Ep #159: How to Raise Kids Who Don’t Have to Recover from Their Childhood

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. Today, I want to delve into the essence of a secure childhood, and how it shapes the foundation for a peaceful and fulfilling life. As a parent coach, I really, really, really love the concept of let’s raise children who don’t have to spend their adulthood recovering from their childhood.

I want you to think about that for a moment. Are you an adult who spent a lot of time in different ways trying to recover from your childhood? I know that’s certainly true for me. I’ve never wanted that for my child.

Now, that doesn’t mean that we don’t want our kids to experience adversity. Because, as we’ve talked about in a previous episode, adversity leads to resiliency. We want our kids to experience life. We want them to understand the entire feelings wheel. We want them to be able to recover from problems and feel all their feelings.

But we also want to provide them a secure childhood. I know without a doubt, you absolutely want that for your kids. Often, when I meet parents for the first time to work with them, they’ll tell me I just want my kids to be happy. I really encourage them to question that. Do you?

What happens if, at the end of the day, your kids are 18, and they’re moving out of your house to live on their own, and all they know is how to be happy. They don’t know how to overcome problems, meet obstacles, lose relationships and recover, set boundaries, be sad and still have hope for the future. To me, that is the definition of a secure human.

Today I want to explore with you the idea of a secure childhood. What does it mean to grow up feeling safe, understood, and loved? Some of you may not know because that was not your experience when you were a child. As you’re listening to this, you think yeah, that’s what I want for my kids, Lisa. That’s why I’m here every week listening. That’s why I’m doing the work I’m doing. I hear you. I get that.

So my goal today is to break it down for you and help you identify exactly what a secure childhood might look like. As I propose some of these concepts to you and they resonate with you, write them down, put them on a post it note on your fridge, work towards them, pick the ones that work for you, and focus on them.

If you need help further defining them or implementing them, as you know, I’m your person. I’m your parent coach. I can help you achieve these. This is a very large part of what we do inside my community called The Hive. This isn’t meant to be a sales pitch or commercial. It’s merely an invitation.

If you like what you hear and you don’t know where to go to get more support and help and skills on implementing these into your parenting so that your children can experience a secure childhood, then come and work with me. My hand is extended out to you. You can find out more on how to do that at thehivecoaching.com.

So let’s break it down what a secure childhood can, should, might, will look like. A secure childhood is where big feelings are acknowledged and processed together. It’s crucial to understand that emotions, even if adults don’t completely grasp them, are valid. As parents, embracing these feelings is pivotal in creating an environment where your kids feel heard and supported.

In a secure childhood, relationships matter more than momentary behaviors. Instead of focusing solely on correcting actions, nurture the bond between you and your children, allow that to take precedence. Rules and boundaries play a crucial role. But in a secure childhood, they’re reasonable and aimed at fostering growth rather than controlling behavior.

I want to say that again. Rules and boundaries play a crucial, critical, important, necessary role in peaceful parenting 1,000%. You hear me talk about this over and over and over again. But in a secure childhood, the rules and boundaries are reasonable, and they’re aimed at fostering growth rather than controlling behavior. This approach helps children learn the importance of responsibility and accountability.

affection in a secure childhood is given without conditions. It’s about demonstrating love consistently Irrespective of a child’s actions. I feel obligated to say that again. Affection in a secure childhood is given without conditions. It’s about demonstrating love consistently irrespective of the child’s actions.

Predictability and reliability are key. Children thrive when they have a sense of stability in their environment, knowing what to expect from their caregivers. Adults in a secure childhood take accountability and lead by example in making amends when mistakes happen. This teaches children the significance of acknowledging errors and making things right.

Correction and guidance focuses on addressing the problem rather than criticizing a child’s character. This approach nurtures a growth mindset and encourages learning from mistakes. Consistency in meeting a child’s needs is paramount. When children know they can rely on caregivers, it builds trust and a sense of security. Encouraging curiosity, exploration, and interests helps your children discover their passions and strengths. This nurtures a sense of independence and confidence.

Acceptance for who your kids are is fundamental. A secure childhood is where children feel valued and appreciated for their unique qualities. Children, just like adults, need to feel that it’s okay to show vulnerability, knowing that they will still be loved just as much. It’s about accepting both their light and shadow sides. They need to know it’s okay to show vulnerability when they don’t have all the answers, when they’ve messed up, when they’re unsure, when they’re scared. They need to know they will still be loved just as much. I love it, don’t you? Okay, on to the next one.

Grownups in a secure childhood don’t burden their children with their own emotions or make them responsible for how they feel. So important. Finally, a child in a secure childhood knows that no matter what, no matter what, the grownup’s love is unwavering. This does not mean condoning every action, but rather separating behavior from unconditional love.

Let me say that again. The essence, the foundation, the cornerstone of a secure childhood is when a child knows that no matter what, no matter what, the grown-ups love is unwavering. Now, this doesn’t mean condoning every action. But it does mean separating the behavior from unconditional love. I want that for you, and I want that for your kids.

I dream of a world where every child, every child in the world grows up feeling that the grown-ups love is unwavering. Can you imagine the world we would live in? I get goosebumps and the world’s biggest smile on my face and tears in my eyes, just thinking about a world like that.

A secure childhood sets the stage for healthy relationships, for emotional intelligence, and for resilience in adulthood. It’s the cornerstone for a peaceful and fulfilled life. I want that for you, and I want that for your kids, and I want it for the world.

So thank you. Thank you for listening today. Thank you for considering the areas where you could do better or more or work on ensuring a secure childhood for your kids. You’re making an investment in your family for generations to come, and you’re making an investment in the world.

I want to leave you with this every moment. Every moment is an opportunity to foster security and love in your child’s life. Every moment. I’m so passionate about helping you create a secure childhood for your kids. Because, as I said, it sets the stage for their adulthood, for healthy relationships, for emotional intelligence, for resiliency. I’m here this year to help you raise kids who don’t have to recover as adults from their childhood. I want that for your kids.

So thank you for doing your part. Thank you for being here each week and listening. I’m going to ask a favor of you today. Please share this podcast with someone that needs to hear this. Share the podcast with a friend who might be struggling with their parenting, with someone who might need a little extra boost or help and support. Let them know they’re not alone. Let them know that together we can create a secure childhood for all of our kids.

Share this with someone who’s likeminded in your parenting, who you know is looking for tools and tips and suggestions. It would mean the world to me. The more we can get this information out there together, the more we all benefit from it. So thank you in advance for paying this forward by sharing today’s episode with others who are seeking peaceful parenting strategies. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

Thank you so much for listening today. I want to personally invite you to head over to thepeacefulparent.com/welcome and sign up for my free peaceful parenting minicourse. You’ll find everything you need to get started on the path to peaceful parenting just waiting for you over there at www.thepeacefulparent.com/welcome. I can’t wait for you to get started.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.