Ep #185: Tiny Tweaks, Huge Transformations: Peaceful Parenting On the Go

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so excited to be with you here today. In today’s episode I want to share some insights with you from a trip that I took last summer with my son Malcolm to London, and I want to share some ideas. I know it’s summer in North America and many of us are going on vacation with our kids or doing special activities or outings.

So today I wanted to share some observations, some lessons learned on my trip in the hopes that it might help you and your family do fun things this summer, travel with ease by offering you some things to look at and consider as you’re traveling this summer. So let’s dig in.

So last summer Malcolm and I decided, really at the very last minute, to take a trip to one of my favorite places in the world before he started his first year of college. The journey was filled with ups and downs, moments of growth, and profound realizations that I believe can help you on your summer travels or winter travels with your kids. So as they say in the UK grab a spot a tea, get comfy, and let’s dive in.

One of my biggest goals for the trip before we even left Arizona was to pay attention to Malcolm, to really connect and hear what he was saying. So on this trip when something was important to Malcolm, I made an extra effort to really hear him. I feel like I do this all the time, but I really laser focused on this while we were traveling together.

For instance when he showed interest in visiting the British Museum, I didn’t just go along with it, I fully engaged. I listened to his thoughts and his observations. I’m sure this made him feel valued, and I know that it deepened our connection. I felt like I was really showing up in the relationship.

So my question to you is have you ever found yourself only half listening to your kid or kids because you’re distracted with something else? I wonder what would happen if you gave them your full attention. I want you to reflect on that for a moment. Here’s a tip to help you apply this insight.

The tip is or the invitation is to pay attention to what excites your child and be present in those moments at any age. Show genuine interest in their preferences. This is a small shift that can make a big difference in your relationship because it creates connection. They feel seen, heard, and valued over what’s important to them not just what’s always important to you. Yeah? Awesome.

Well as we all know traveling is rarely smooth sailing, right. I mean come on. So for us the flight was long and it was pretty turbulent about 50% of the way over. Malcolm wasn’t able to sleep at all in the flight. So when we arrived in London, he was tired and cranky. I recognized my own dysregulation in the first couple of days because he was tired, crabby, and out of sorts.

For some reason I felt very responsible for him on this trip, and I was really struggling to relax and enjoy myself. Once I noticed this by checking in with my body, by scanning my body, by understanding my thoughts and my feelings, by understanding that I wasn’t relaxing, that I was feeling responsible, that I was frustrated, that he was tired and crabby.

Once I noticed all this, everything immediately got better for me. I was able to regulate myself. I was able to really focus on me rather than focusing on him, and I was able to get back into a regulated state. Then if you’ve been listening to me for a while you won’t be surprised that I say this. Once I got regulated then I was able to offer him co-regulation, and he immediately was also able to regulate.

I also dropped my expectations of how this trip was supposed to go because I definitely had an idea in my mind before we left. As I’ve said before, frustration is when there’s a gap between expectation and reality. I had to admit to myself that I had an expectation that this trip was going to be rainbows and unicorns the entire time, and I realized that that was unrealistic and causing my frustration. As soon as I dropped the expectation, I was also able to step deeper into regulation and offer him co-regulation.

Here’s the thing. Kids have this incredible ability to live in the moment, and I saw this on the trip. When their mood passes, it’s over, and they’ve totally moved on with no remorse, regret. They’re just able to move into literally the next moment. On this trip, Malcolm modeled for me how to let go of bad moods quickly, how to pivot and regroup. It was really incredible.

This did mean acknowledging our feelings to each other but not letting them control our entire day. It was so cool to see this in real time and to experience this for myself. A year later I’m still successfully practicing this skill.

So here’s my question to you. Can you think of a recent moment when holding on to a bad mood ruined an otherwise good day? How might things have been different if you’d let go quickly? How might they have been different? Take a moment and think about that. Don’t think about it from a place of guilt or shame but just as an opportunity to have a wake-up call and learn a little bit.

Going forward, I encourage you to practice letting go of bad moods swiftly. Use your kids as an example. Let them teach you and model for you the tool of acknowledging feelings, pivoting, and moving on. It’s so beautiful when we let our kids model living in the moment for us. Yes? I know, I love it myself.

One of the most powerful things I realized on this trip was the importance of listening more than talking. Over the years, Malcolm and I have done a good job of practicing not being responsible for each other’s feelings and avoiding trying to manipulate each other with our feelings. This trip really highlighted the fruits of that work. By truly listening to Malcolm, I was able to see his growth and respect his individuality.

There was a moment when Malcolm acknowledged, “Mom we’ve done a lot of things I wanted to do on this trip. Today let’s do what you want to do.” It was so cool to have this moment with him. So of course, off to high tea we went. He genuinely meant it. He was fully present during the high tea, and this showed me that our efforts to truly listen and respect each other had paid off.

We’ve created a dynamic where we both feel heard and valued. When was the last time your child was able to speak without you interrupting or immediately responding? What insights might you gain from listening with a curious open ear? I encourage you to try to listen without immediately responding. Let your kids express themselves freely. This builds mutual respect and understanding, strengthens your connection and increases the cooperation.

Now as I mentioned earlier at the beginning of the trip, I felt very responsible for Malcolm’s mood. I mean the trip was my idea. I organized it. I was paying for it. I guided us there, and I felt very responsible for us having an amazing time. The reality is he was tired and crabby, and I was having trouble relaxing.

But as I mentioned, once I noticed my thoughts that were attached to his feelings and behavior, I was able to drop my unhelpful thoughts and choose much better ones that served me, him, and our relationship. Over the years, we’ve practiced not being responsible for each other’s feelings. Instead, I focused my thoughts on my goal for the trip, which was simply to spend time with him without expecting him to be grateful or excited.

The reality is Malcolm doesn’t love traveling as much as I do, and that’s okay. The reality is he was probably nervous about the impending going off to college, about the end of the summer, about his future. He was probably thinking about some of the things he was missing out on by being with me on this trip. He was tired and a bit overwhelmed, and I decided to make all of that okay. I decided to drop my expectations and let him be his own person.

When I did this, it created an instant shift in the energy of the trip and significantly increased the joy of the experience. So my question to you is do you often find yourself feeling responsible for your kids moods or feelings, especially as they get older? How might letting go of those expectations change your experiences together? Think about that for a moment.

Going forward can you let go of expectations and embrace your child’s individuality? Can you focus on enjoying time together rather than expecting them to behave in a certain way or to have fun or to be grateful? Yeah?

Now one thing that helped the trip a lot is that we both took breaks when we needed them. One morning I was itching to get out of the hotel room, and Malcolm was definitely in a lazy and slow to wake up mood. So I went out to breakfast by myself to recharge. I went and had a lovely latte and a beautiful chocolate croissant and had a walk around the neighborhood and just really allowed us to take a break from each other.

What I know for sure is that anytime you do something like this, go on a trip together, do a special outing to the zoo or Disneyland or go visit someone for the day or go to the beach, the entire week, day, and hour can be 50-50. 50% fun and amazing and 50% challenging. This is how life goes. 50-50. So I didn’t expect traveling to be any different, and I think it’s important to recognize when both you and your child or children need some space and some downtime and to be flexible with the plans.

So my question is how do you handle it when you or your kids need a break? Are you able to recognize the moments and adjust accordingly? I know that being flexible and taking breaks when needed definitely enhanced the memories of the trip.

So I want to encourage you on your next outing, if everybody needs a little downtime or a pivot or a change in the itinerary, let that naturally happen. Embrace that, and really allow yourself to give yourself what you need.

I also really use this trip as an opportunity for Malcolm to get to know me better, not just as his mom but as a person. I shared my humors, my stories, my successes, and my failures. I made a real effort to let him see the real me. Dare I say, I let him get to like me as a person and an adult. This deepened our connection and allowed us to bond on a different level.

My question to you is do you share your own stories and experiences with your kids, and how might this change your relationship? Use your time together to let your child get to know you as a person. Share your stories, your humor, your mistakes, your successes, your failures. What I know is that it can strengthen your bond and help your kids see you as a whole person and a new light.

Letting my mind be open to the growth in Malcolm was another really profound experience. On this trip I made a commitment not to over parent and correct him all the time. I didn’t need to be in charge or the cruise director of everything we did. Malcolm is really good at making decisions and directions. He knows what he wants even with little things like what to eat.

So I invited him to take the lead. I invited him to decide where we were going to go often and map out how we were going to get there and then I just sat back and watched him use his skills. A couple times we got lost, but it was no big deal. I was able to really let him find the error of his ways, get us back on the path, decide where we were going to go eat, and really embrace the choices he made. I invited him to take the lead.

This gave us time to dive deeper, slow down, and really appreciate each other’s strengths and skills. I saw him evolve right in front of me. It made my heart ache in the happiest ways possible. My question to you is when is the last time you let your kids take a lead at something? Deciding where to eat without question, baking something, cooking something in the kitchen, organizing a project or a trip somewhere? Think about how that might build your kids confidence and impact your relationship.

My invitation is for you to reflect on your child’s growth and celebrate their individuality. Allow them to lead in areas they’re good at and appreciate their unique strengths.

Now here’s the thing, I will never forget the day I had my epiphany that my old way of parenting wasn’t working. Malcolm was about five years old. At the time, my biggest fear was that Malcolm and I wouldn’t have a relationship when he was an adult. That as an adult he wouldn’t like me, appreciate me, or want to spend any time with me.

This trip to London felt like collecting data that taking a chance on peaceful parenting was the right bet. This trip was by no means joy every second. It wasn’t rainbows and unicorns. There was a bit of storming on both parts. There was fatigue. We had to take a break a few times to regulate, and Malcolm even called a couple do-overs. He was grumpy and tired and even bored, I would say, a couple times, but he was totally allowed to feel his feelings. In the end we made some great memories. It’s a trip neither one of us will ever forget.

To be a part of the beginning of a hopefully healthy but not perfect adult-child relationship feels like cycle-breaking and healing for me. Something I’d only heard about but had not personally experienced until now. The culmination of the years of peaceful parenting and the ability to see a real-time the trust we have in each other felt priceless. Absolutely priceless.

My question to you is what would it mean for you to see the culmination of your peaceful parenting efforts? Can you imagine the depth of connection this way of parenting is and is going to continue to bring to you? Take a moment to think about that, and I encourage you to trust in the process of peaceful parenting. Allow your kids to feel their feelings and focus on creating meaningful memories together. Yeah?

So there you have it folks. My journey to London with Malcolm. It was filled with valuable lessons about paying attention, managing emotions, listening, embracing individuality, and reflecting on growth. I hope these insights and tips help you on your next family experience or outing. You don’t have to go all the way to England to put these tips into place. You can apply them when you go to the zoo or your in-laws for the weekend or the beach or even a staycation.

Remember it’s not about perfection or perfect looking photos. It’s about connection and creating meaningful memories together. I’d love to hear about your own travel experiences and tips. Share them with me on Instagram at The Peaceful Parent or send me an email to [email protected]. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

Thank you so much for listening today. I want to personally invite you to head over to thepeacefulparent.com/welcome and sign up for my free peaceful parenting minicourse. You’ll find everything you need to get started on the path to peaceful parenting just waiting for you over there at www.thepeacefulparent.com/welcome. I can’t wait for you to get started.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.