Ep #183: Transform Your Family with the New Respect Revolution!

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. Today I want to ask you a hard but important question. Have you ever thought or said to your kids you’re so disrespectful? Before I found peaceful parenting, this was my go-to script in my head over and over and over again. it was dysregulating, I will share with you, to constantly entertain this thought. it is just a thought.

So in an effort to serve you and work towards self-regulation in 2024, the year of self-regulation, I wanted to visit, as Aretha would say, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. So let’s take Aretha up on her offer and let’s ask ourselves what does it mean to me? Respect.

What’s your definition? What’s your definition as a parent? How do you know if your kids respect you? How do you know if they’re intentionally disrespecting you? Let’s dive deep into this topic because I know this touches the core of every family. Respect.

this comes up a lot when I’m working with parents, the word respect. My kids are disrespectful. I’ll often ask what does it mean to you? How do you define it? What does disrespect really mean? Sometimes it’s a real struggle for parents to articulate this. Not to mention, I believe, that it requires a hearty and healthy look at what respect is and what it isn’t. That, my friend, is what I’m going to try to help you take a good look at today. I hope by the end of today’s episode, you’ll have an old definition and a new definition of respect.

Because the truth is that our understanding of respect has evolved over the years. It’s evolved from what many of us experienced growing up, and it’s evolving in what we aim to create within our own families. Sometimes the old definition, what you experienced and what you’re trying to create, clash and get in the way of each other.

So what I’d really like to do today is help you really define respect for you, for your kids, for your family. Really wrap your arms around the definition that you want it to be and to feel really good about what it is, what it means for you and your family, and how you’re going to go about leading the family in increasing the respect by modeling the new definition of respect for everybody in the family. Sound good? I know I’m super excited to bring you this content today.

So growing up, many of us learned by modeling from our own family that respect meant authority, dominance, and above all, blind obedience. Right? For many of us growing up, respect was a one-way street. Children were expected to respect their parents and elders without question, often equating this to never challenging authority, asking questions, or stepping outside the established norms. That right there, folks, pretty much defines my childhood and probably yours too.

So let’s break down the old way parents often thought of and demanded respect. It included things like blind obedience. You will not challenge authority ever. You do not ask questions as the child. You are not allowed to have an opinion as the kid. You should never challenge what I say, even when I’m wrong. You will never challenge family norms, which are things like how we dress, who we partner with, what we believe, what we celebrate, what we worship. As elders and people of authority, we are allowed to treat you, the kid, however we want, and you must always show respect in return.

I’m upset just listing these out for us. My stomach is super tight and clenched, and my heart is beating super-fast. Because, I mean, come on, was that really respect? Certainly not what I would have called respect, and it certainly didn’t feel good. I would call it compliance born out of fear on that one-way street.

So in today’s episode, I’m advocating a seismic, and I am using that word intentionally, a seismic shift in how we define respect. True respect is not about fear or unquestioned obedience. It is about mutual understanding and empathy. So you’re going to get off the one-way street and get over onto the two-way street of mutual understanding and empathy.

True respect is about creating a family environment where every member, every member feels valued, heard, and free to express themselves. It’s about trust and safety. Yeah? Yeah.

Consider the old demand, and man, I heard this a million times, children should be seen and not heard. Did you get this? Did you hear this on repeat when you tried to speak up or advocate for yourself or be heard? This outdated view limits children’s ability to express themselves and communicate openly with their parents. It ignores kids’ feelings and does not take needs into account at all.

Now in contrast, a respectful parenting environment encourages children to share their thoughts and feelings, even when they’re sometimes loud and big, because it fosters a deep connection and understanding within the family.

In many traditional settings, questioning authority is seen as a sign of disrespect. However, when we allow our children to ask questions, often while regulated, but still when we allow them to ask questions, we’re not just answering their queries, we’re empowering them to think critically and engage with the world around them. This is respect rooted in encouragement, not suppression. Respect in the old sense often meant adhering strictly to family or societal norms.

Now imagine a family that respects each child’s unique interests and passions, even if and when they diverge from traditional expectations. This approach respects the individual’s growth and personal journey. let me tell you, I want that for every single one of our children in the world. I believe if we just did that, we respected each child’s unique interests and passions, even if and when they diverge from traditional expectations. I mean, come on. We would have a much, much, much, much, much more peaceful world today. So I want that for your kids. Right now, I want that for you.

Traditional discipline might have leaned heavily on punishment, but respect can be taught through problem-solving and understanding. When a child makes a mistake, discussing what happened, exploring solutions, and understanding consequences is a respectful process that teaches responsibility and empathy.

finally, consider the dynamic of fear versus trust. A child who only behaves because they are afraid does not respect their parent, they fear them. True respect involves building trust and safety, ensuring that your children feel secure enough to be their true selves.

So, consider this the new way of showing respect, the new definition. Everyone in the family feels safe. Connection, every member of the family feels seen, heard, and valued. Relationships are resilient. We know we can get through anything. Empathy is a two-way street. It’s given and received openly. Communication both ways is at the heart of the family. Problem-solving is encouraged. Trust and safety is created and rested in. Self-regulation and co-regulation are the ethos that the family lives by.

There is an invitation to share personal feelings and ideas. There is an interest in each other’s lives, even when they’re different from ours. Everyone in the family is allowed to be themselves. There is a very high tolerance for different beliefs and exploration of those beliefs. Boundaries are set and respected and discussed when crossed. There’s two-way respect up and down between generations.

To me, that’s respect. How about you? I want that for you and your kids. This is really fundamental to creating a safe place for our kids. This is important to foster safety in the home and co-regulation. Here’s my question for you. How do you show respect to your children today? How do you show respect in ways that foster security, empathy, and individuality? I would love to hear how you do this. I would love to hear your stories. I would love to hear your ideas.

If you need help learning this, implementing this, creating this environment in your home, I am 100% here for you. I will guide you every single step of the way. I’d love to hear from you. I’d love for you to DM me on Instagram. You can find me at The_Peaceful_Parent. Drop into my DM and tell me. If you need help, reach out to me. if you want to share with me ways that you show respect to your kid or kids to foster security, empathy, and individuality, I would love to hear it.

I would love to string together a series of examples for those that are just turning on to this or just getting started or needing some extra help and support. If you don’t have Instagram, you can email me directly at [email protected]. I absolutely cannot wait to hear from you, support you, guide you, and share your successes. Your insights. Yes, you, your insights enrich our community.

Together we’re redefining what it means to be a respectful family that no longer drives on a one-way street, but instead glides up and down a two-way street. as we close today’s episode, I ask you to remember that to receive respect, you must give it. Let me say that again. To receive respect, you must give it. Model respect daily. Shift your understanding of what it means.

When your child is expressing big emotions or challenging norms, remind yourself my kid isn’t giving me a hard time, they’re having a hard time. Yeah? So good, right?

All right. So today we’ve explored the evolving concept of respect within the family. From a one-way street, from a rigid obedience-based approach, to a two-way street that values mutual respect, communication, and understanding. as you move forward this week, I want to encourage you to reflect on how you can foster an environment of true respect within your home. So good, right?

Thank you so much for joining me today, for listening to this, for being open-minded. Thank you for shifting your perspective on this one-way street to the two-way street of mutual respect. I’m so incredibly proud of you for putting this work in, and I cannot wait to hear from you. So reach out to me via DM or email, I can’t wait. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

Thank you so much for listening today. I want to personally invite you to head over to thepeacefulparent.com/welcome and sign up for my free peaceful parenting minicourse. You’ll find everything you need to get started on the path to peaceful parenting just waiting for you over there at www.thepeacefulparent.com/welcome. I can’t wait for you to get started.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.