Ep #188: Conflict Resolution Made Easy

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach, Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. As I say every week, I am so excited to be with you here today. Because we are going to dive into a topic that affects every family, how to teach our kids to handle conflict. I know, right? It’s a good one. In this episode, we’re going to explore why conflict resolution is so challenging.

And we’re going to discuss strategies for handling the conflicts you and your kids, and then how to teach your kids to handle conflict and I’m going to introduce a powerful framework called empowered conversations. My goal is at the end of today’s episode, you, yes, you, I’m talking to you. You are going to have concrete tools to help both you and your children approach conflicts with confidence and empathy. I know I can’t do an episode without saying the word empathy. And I have a special guest for you today. Joining me is Kris who has been on the podcast before. Kris is a repeat. I think if not, a four-peat on the podcast, and we love having her on.

You may remember Kris as a mother of two daughters. who recently inside the Hive mentioned or discussed that you’ve been grappling with this very issue. And so we decided to join forces and dig in. So welcome to today’s episode, Kris. Thank you. I’m so happy to be here. And, uh, it’s always exciting to get the opportunity to talk real time about issues that We face every day in family and I just so appreciate the opportunity to sort through this today.

Awesome. Awesome. I’m so glad you’re here. You’re the perfect sidekick for this episode. So let’s dig in. You know, conflict is something we all face, but it is especially challenging when it comes to our kids. So let’s start by reframing how we think about conflict. Kris, when you hear the word conflict, what comes to mind?

Well, if I was saying the first word that came to my mind was argument, which to me sets a really negative connotation for what conflict can be about, because I do think that there can be such a thing as healthy conflict. Um, I feel like in our family though, we are lacking some tools for understanding how to not take things personally when something is brought up.

Um, so our conflict usually ends in somebody’s feelings getting hurt and Some type of argument that ensues that keeps us from really getting to solving whatever problem was maybe brought up to the table. Hmm. Yeah. So just, uh, um, arguing, taking things personally hurt feelings. And maybe scattering to the other room with nothing really resolved.

Yes. Yeah. Or sometimes coming to a standstill where the argument actually diverts and goes off from maybe whatever the original conflict was about. And so then as the, things come to a, to a head or come to, uh, I guess a conclusion, the problem that we went into solve wasn’t necessarily solved. And I think sometimes there’s just a loss in the process of how to circle back.

If somebody does have hurt feelings or somebody does take something personally, how do we circle back and get regrounded in the fact that there was something that we wanted to try to solve in the first place? I love that. I love that. Yeah. And I think everything you described is common. I’m sure that the listener right now is nodding their head and saying yes, yes, and yes.

Right. Yeah. I mean, I often think about conflict in a work environment. Conflict in a work environment can include taking things personally and hurt feelings. But I feel like there’s just a different level of as professionals how we may show up in a in a situation dealing with the conflict. But when it comes to the family and especially helping our kids whose brains are not fully developed as you help remind us I want to better understand process and how to teach them.

So it’s not about only solving that problem in the moment, but how can they take those skills and then transfer them, whether it’s a conflict that they’re having in the home with sibling, with a parent or. Or a conflict that maybe they’re having on the playground or with a friend or, um, in a, in a romantic relationship.

However, it is learning how to say, okay, I, I understand what conflict is about. I understand that I have tools in order to help me solve, um, issues in whatever environment I’m in. Right. For sure. So to start, I want us to consider what if we thought about conflict in the home with our kids. For our kids, not as a battle to be won, but as an opportunity to resolve an issue.

Yes. Even more. What if we saw conflict is growth trying to happen? I love that definition. Me too. Me too. Cause I think so often, particularly in sibling fighting, right? There’s a battle and the goal is to win the battle, right? Get the remote control or Um, get the toy or convince mom that we should do it my way or eat where I want.

And that’s really confrontation, right? But conflict. is an opportunity for resolution and it’s growth trying to happen. It’s a game changer, right? Yeah. And it’s interesting that she, that she said in growth trying to happen, I often think about listening to some of the conflicts that my daughters will bring to me.

It’s usually trying to get another family member to see things from their perspective and to agree with them. And then that’s the win. If they get their way that they get their their view across and then other people’s behavior is changes because of this point of view that that one of the, you know, one of them wants everybody else to see and accept and, you know, we don’t always have that option to change another person’s mind or to choose another person’s behavior.

And so how can you still approach conflict without this idea of somebody when somebody loses? Right. I love that. I love that. When we approach conflict with this mindset, it opens up possibilities for connection and understanding, right? I always, when I talk about things like this, I’m always brought back to one of Stephen Cove Covey’s God rest his soul.

He was a great man. You know, one of his seven habits of highly effective people was seek first to understand them be understood. Right? So when we’re trying to resolve issues, rather than win a battle, it opens up the possibility for connection and understanding. Now, here’s the thing. That is not an easy thing to do for adults, whether it’s in relationships or in the workplace or with friendships, and we have the fully developed brains.

So it’s definitely not easy for our kids to do this. And I wanted to say that many of us struggle with conflict resolution because of our own past experiences, right? Maybe in the sibling battles growing up. Or maybe in the way conflict resolution was approached and modeled in the home. So let me ask you, Kris, have you, do you find yourself?

Avoiding or struggling to address conflict calmly at times with your kids? Certainly at times. I feel like one of them may come to me with a concern or an issue about what the other one is doing and wanting me to almost be that, that mediator person. And basically what they’re asking me is change my sibling’s behavior.

Change this. So I then, you know, I can feel better resolved. Exactly. So I feel better. So it all goes away. And yeah, as, as kids get older, it’s, it’s helping them learn how, how do you approach this? How do you say this? And so, yeah, so there, there definitely are times when it can be, It feels, um, like I’m put in the, in the middle.

And then of course, um, you know, you might get, um, it’s not fair. You always take that person’s side. And so by learning to have a strategy for vocabulary, to teach them to keep me out of the middle, I mean, even if it is, you know, initially some guided practice and some assistance, But helping them see that solving a problem is not telling mom and then expecting mom to fix it, because mom isn’t always going to be there as they continue to grow as they start to leave the house.

So how, you know, how do we work on. Learning that strategy, learning confidence and learning to, you know, keep regulated because I think that’s tends to what happens if, if, you know, they’re attempting to solve it on their own is the dysregulation pops in and then again, we go off on the wild bird chase where it’s no longer about trying to solve the issue at hand.

Um, and so I, I really am, am looking forward to learning more about tools. So not only equip myself to, to know my role, but to help them understand they have tools that they can use then, um, to, to help solve their issues. I like that. I like that. We’re going to dig into that here a little bit, but here’s the truth is we weighed into this.

If we really want connection with anyone in our lives, especially our kids. And if our kids want connection, which is to feel seen, heard, and valued, we need to learn to be vulnerable and authentic with our feelings. So let’s talk about some key strategies for handling conflict. The first step is to figure out, and this is really, I think the hardest step.

The first step is to figure out how you feel and what you want. So often we’re rushing into the confrontation, into the argument. into the addressing an issue. We just rushed right in. And what happens is We often get dysregulated, especially with an underdeveloped brain, because we’re not sure of our position.

We’re not sure what we want. And so our brain jumps around, right? And so if I’m a 15 year old girl and I want my sister to stop doing something that I find really annoying, or I want more rights to the car, or I’m frustrated with something and I jump right into the confrontation and I don’t really have a feel for.

What are my real feelings underneath the anger and what do I really want to come out of this? Then I’m more likely to get dysregulated because I haven’t really set my position with myself to start with. Yes, that, that really resonates. And what, what struck me is when you said how I feel and what I want, because a lot of times what I will hear first coming out is what I want the other person to do, change, be, however, and getting that.

Clarity on self I think really could help set the course very differently. I agree. I agree. And then the next step, which is also equally as important is to avoid jumping head or catastrophizing. It’s easy to spiral into worst case scenarios, but that rarely helps resolve the conflict. Another crucial point is to avoid presuming to know how the other person thinks feels or what they’re going to say.

And the truth is, this is often. Why we interrupt other people in, in confrontation or conflict. Because our brain assumes we already know what they’re going to say. So we’re thinking about our response to what they’re going to say. So we barely let them get it out because we already know. We’re so sure we know.

Which to me is always a tell. A conflict situation with someone else when people are interrupting each other, it’s because I’m, I, I think I know what you’re gonna say and I’m jumping ahead. I don’t even need to listen because I know what you’re gonna say and I’m ready for my rebuttal. Yeah. Lisa, do you think that.

Most of the time that might happen, perhaps based on past experience. So as a kid’s trying to, to draw from past experience or draw relevancy to the particular situation that, um, if they’re catastrophizing, maybe it’s because last time it ended such and such, or last time we argued, it talked about, You know, we, this, this is what came up.

Do you think that some of that is based on past experience? And then how do we help if it is, how do we help them see that just because something happened a certain way in the past, it doesn’t mean it always predicts how something is going to happen in the future, especially if you’re learning tools to, to address it differently.

Yeah, that’s a great question. And here’s what I think this is happening. I think that. If you are a child growing up who believes the goal of conflict is to win versus come to an agreement or resolution, then you go in with a heightened sense of dysregulation, cortisol screening through your body. You’re less willing to be vulnerable and open, and you’re really in battle to win.

And that really heightens everything. It jacks the conversation up, tempers flare, things get intense, and then your body builds the habit of that being your process when conflict comes up. So I think it’s apparent when you feel that beginning to happen, there’s a side note, a little bonus tip. But I think one of the rules that could be set forth is like, remember, we’re here to resolve the issue, not win the battle.

Right. And it’s, it’s, it’s recalibrating the goal here. And I think that will help a lot. I like that. Even just being able to use that vocabulary helps them look just from a, from an operational definition differently. This is about resolving an issue, not winning a battle. Right. You know, anytime we’re at battle, like there’s, there’s defense, you know, we’ve got it, we’ve got to like protect ourselves, that sort of thing.

And I think when you were saying that it struck me as maybe that’s why they come to me as the middleman is because then if, if they take it to me, they think I can avoid having to kind of be into that conflict. Maybe, you know, mom will go and do some of that instead of them learning how to address it.

So. It’s a common habit. Yeah. Uh, this catastrophizing jumping ahead, interrupting. The problem is it shuts down communication, right? And that’s. So that’s another clue that we’re trying to win versus resolve is that is, is the, the tools that shut down the communication. So instead, and even as you, as the mom, your girls are coming to you, this is the tool I want you to use so they can see what it is.

It’s reflective listening, right? So it means even before, if they come to you, And they want you to resolve something for them or with them. And the answer is super easy and simple. I would practice reflective listening, which means really hearing what the other person is saying and reflecting it back to them to ensure understanding.

So what I hear you saying, Kris is often your girls come to you and you’re thinking that they come to you to resolve it, uh, so that they don’t have to go and battle with each other. That’s what I heard. You just say, did I hear that correctly? Yeah, and that was really validating to, to know that someone just heard what I said, someone, someone’s understanding.

And it, what I noticed when I’m, when I’m hearing that back, it’s like I said, it’s like, yeah, she heard me. And it also helps me feel a lot calmer. Now. I, I realized that maybe if. In reflective listening, sometimes we might not get it right. We might reflect back, but then it gives that opportunity for clarity again.

No, that’s not what I, that’s not what I said, or that’s not what I meant to say. Oh, tell me more, help me understand, you know, some of those key phrases that you teach us in so many situations, you know, as long as we’re staying the calmest person in the room, we can understand and, and, having the kids experience that from us also then models that for how they can show up with that same mind frame of understanding.

Here’s a tool called reflective listening. This is what it looks like. This is what it feels like. So, yeah, I find even in conversations. where I use reflective listening, particularly with my son, who will be 20 this Saturday, which is hard to believe. Uh, but I find our most productive conversations are when I reflective listen back to him and I get it wrong, right?

Because they’ll say, no, mom, that’s not what I mean. And I’m like, oh, okay, well tell me what you mean. And one of the two things happens either He doesn’t even know what he means, which, you know, that’s good to know. Sometimes I will say, well, I think you need to figure out what you really want here. I don’t know that you’re clear or I’m not listening clearly.

And it gives me a chance to make sure. That I’m really hearing and I’m tracking down the path that he’s trying to take me down, right? Because five minutes before he came in to talk to me, I might’ve been thinking about something else contemplating world peace or a problem I’m trying to solve for someone and I’m completely off track.

So I, I think one of the keys really to my son and I’s connection that we have. That I feel so strongly and I know he does too is that tool of reflective listening and we use it all the time because so often you’re saying one thing through your lens and I’m hearing another thing through my lens, whether the lenses.

My past experiences. I’m tired. I’m dehydrated. I’m hungry. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep. I was doing something else. You’ve been thinking about this for 5 hours. I’ve thought about it for 30 seconds. I was doing something else before I switched over. You know, it’s so often I find that when I get it wrong, that’s like the sweet spot.

That’s like the overlap of the Venn diagram. Like, Oh, we’re really getting somewhere now. It almost brings you back full circle back to that first step of how I feel and what I want. Um, and, and the ability to practice the articulation of that, because like you said, sometimes maybe the kids are really clear upfront about what that is.

And other times They may still be scattered trying to figure it out. So just to make sure, cause I’m, I’m going to absolutely use this as an advantage for, for coaching for myself. So I just want to make sure I’m with you. You said the first step is having that clarity and how, as, as whoever’s trying to solve the conflict, I’m going to just say it from a kid’s perspective, how I feel and what I want.

Not jumping ahead and catastrophizing, um, and oftentimes in doing so, we presume we think we know what somebody else is feeling and saying. So then we almost have a script in our head that keeps us from that fourth step, which you said is reflective listening. So if, if I’m in a reflective listening space, I really have to be in tune to know I’m hearing what this person’s saying because I’m going to be reflecting it back to them.

And then that gives that quality check as far as yeah. Okay. That is what I said. Yes. I’m here. You, you heard me, which provides a little bit of validation and sense of we’re getting somewhere or no, that’s not what I said. And it brings it kind of back into that. Okay. Let me be clear. Let me say again, what I’m starting with.

I like that so far. Yes. Yes. Much better than just going in saying I need you to do this or you’re not doing that. You know, then that’s where that argument is. And so the, I can see where this provides a pathway to work toward that resolution. Right. And let’s take it a step further. Even, you know, if, if I come to you and I say, you need to tell sister that she needs to not park her car behind my car at night.

Let’s just pick that as an example. You need to tell her right now, you know, it might be a real opportunity to say, Rather than you tell me what to do to tell her, why don’t you tell me what you need and how you feel about it? Right? So then the reframe might be, I’m super frustrated when I get up in the morning to leave for work and there’s a car parked behind me.

I’m, I cut it close as it is because it’s so early in the morning and I would like to be able to pull straight out of the driveway onto the road and go to work. Yes. And then maybe the resolution is maybe that daughter needs to park on the street instead of the driveway. So no one blocks her. Right. And she has free access to get up and go to work in the morning and no one’s behind her.

Yeah. Right. So that’s where being clear about what I want. I want to get up in the morning and not have a car parked behind me when I’m rushing to get out the door and go to work. That leads me to wonder about, are there multiple solutions? You know, I guess sometimes I’m thinking in that particular example, the daughter that would need to get to work would want to be like, no, I need, you know, the other person to park in the street because my car’s in.

So, you know, maybe it’s even whoever gets. You know, whoever gets home first gets to park in the garage and, um, because, you know, her parking on the street would certainly be one solution, but there might be other ways that they could come to us or other solutions as well. So, right. And if the daughter says, ultimately what I need is free reign to pull out onto the street and go to work.

And not have anybody encumber me, probably not the word a teen’s going to use, but not have to wake anybody up, find anybody’s keys, right? That’s getting the original daughter to focus on what does she really need, rather than you go tell sister not to park behind me. You could tell sister not to park behind you, but then sister’s friend could park or sister’s boyfriend or dad, or grandma comes over first thing in the morning, or God forbid you park behind her.

So this is why when we’re focused on the other person, we’re not really resolving the problem. The problem is I need free access to get to work in the morning. So we’re having a different conversation about resolving the problem rather than winning the battle. I love that. And it really takes the onus back on the person who’s experiencing the issue.

And I think once that issue becomes clearer, then it doesn’t become about blaming and accusing and, and, and saying it’s the other person’s fault. As much as it is, I’m empowered to be able to make choices around this that can help bring resolution myself. Right. And let’s be honest in the human species.

Most of us, if we go to the other person, whether it’s Your parent, your sibling, your coworker, your partner. If I come to you and I say, I need help or this is what I need. Most of us are going to help each other because it’s phrased in a way. I don’t need to shut down and get defensive, right? I or you don’t need to shut down and get defensive because I’m not talking about you.

I’m talking about what I need. Let’s say it’s siblings fighting over a toy. I need access to that toy. Or I want to watch a show that I’ve been planning a movie that I’ve been planning all weekend to watch. And now I’m sitting down to watch it and brothers playing Xbox on the TV. Right. I mean, it’s a different way to resolve the problem.

So let me throw this out as well as parents. Our goal should be to be the calmest person in the room. We need to model this. We need to check in with ourselves and notice when we’re getting dysregulated, right? So as we’re moving ourselves from green to yellow, to red. We might need to say, Hey, I need to take a break from talking about this for a moment because I’m getting dysregulated.

I’m getting into my middle brain. I’m starting to hit the red zone and that’s another beautiful tool to model for our children. Right. And that just really helps take the temperature down. Okay. So these strategies that we’ve talked about so far, they build the foundation for handling conflict building on these.

I’d now like to introduce us to a more structured approach. called empowered conversations and this is framework from Marshall Rosenberg and the Center for Nonviolent Communication. I’m a big Marshall Rosenberg fan. God rest his soul. And these provide a step by step guide for navigating difficult conversations.

So these are the tough things to talk about and empowered conversations framework. Is based on three principles and four steps that can guide us through these difficult conversations. So let’s start with the three principles. Number one, we’ve already discussed this, but just to say it this way, listening to yourself and being honest and clear about your feelings.

The nonviolent communication work is really all about starting with yourself. I don’t go running into the living room and yank the remote control out of the kid’s hand, my sibling’s hand, or call my mother and tell her to, you know, mediate something between my sister and I. And so I’m clear about my feelings.

I’m feeling judged. I’m feeling hurt. I’m feeling left out. I’m feeling like I’m not getting my time. I’m feeling like things aren’t fair. I’m feeling like you favor her, right? You want to be clear. Number 2, we want to value our voice. And speak up for our needs. Again, this is not about the other person.

This is about I’m feeling left out. I need more autonomy. I would like to decide where we go to dinner once in a while. So it’s really focusing on you. And then third, listen deeply hard to do, but a good goal to the feelings and needs of others. So the four steps in empowered conversation here they are.

So one, you state your intention to the other person. Right? I would like to resolve X. You share your feelings and needs. I would like to resolve it because I get super stressed out in the morning. We’re going to stay with car example. I think it’s a good one. I would like to figure out, or I would like when I get up in the morning to nobody for nobody to be parked behind me because I get really stressed out about being late for work.

And if I’m late for work, I get in trouble with my boss. Right? And then the step three is asking about and empathizing with the other person’s feelings and needs. Why do you park behind me when you come home at night? Why is it a problem for you to park on the street? Or is it a problem? And then the request might be, could you park on the street?

Could we talk to mom about another plan of action here? Could we agree that during the weeknights you won’t park behind me when you come home from work? You know, maybe you’ve got one daughter at least for work early in the morning and one daughter that comes home late at night. So Kris, can you think of a recent conflict where this framework might apply?

Oh, absolutely. I love, I love the example that you’ve been sharing. So a recent example that, that we talked about was one sister was very concerned about what another one was posting on social media and felt like perhaps what was being posted would have a negative reflection, not only on the, the one posting it, but on, on the sibling as well.

And I think it was meant with, you know, intention of, Hey, you gotta, you know, you just need to be aware of what’s, what’s out there. Um, I think had we had these steps, uh, and understood. where they were coming from. I think that the process of trying to solve the problem could definitely have been resolved with a lot more peace and just with a lot of clarity with that.

I like the idea of of making a request. One of the questions that I had with that is Once the request is made, I would think it sounds like maybe there can be a series of small agreements. Maybe that person can’t answer right away of, yeah, I can do that. Or no, I can’t. Is that something then that they can circle back to?

If like, sometimes people just need a little time to think or process if that’s going to be something that could happen. You know, in, in the situation you gave, uh, the daughter doing the posting says, No, I’m not going to stop posting. And then maybe the second daughter says, okay, that’s good to know. I have, I know now that I know that I have options.

I can get off Instagram. I can change my Instagram name. I could make. My account private, I could unfollow my sister. So there’s no connection. Now that I know you’re not willing to do what I requested. Now I can figure out what I’m going to do about it and not in a vindictive way, but in a now that I know that I know how to handle this.

The other thing is, again, let’s say. The daughter posting says, no, I don’t want to do that. Here’s my legitimate reason why I’ve got some new friends and I tagged them and I want them to see what I’m doing. And I’m trying to work on relationships. Uh, your other daughter could say. Okay, I don’t like it, but I understand where you’re coming from.

I’m going to check back with you in a week and see if maybe you’ve had a chance to change your mind. Or again, she can decide to unfollow the sister, you know, sisters do not have to follow each other. Right. Right. So there’s lots of options when we’re stating our request. You know, the fine print, unfortunately, says just because we’re stating our request doesn’t mean the other person’s always going to agree, right?

But that also gives us an opportunity to say, okay, we now have some data. And like you said, what do we want to do about it? And when I look back to those three principles, you know, value our voice and speak our needs. We can do that. But it It doesn’t mean that the other person has to receive it, but what it does do is it allows us to then say, well, I have choices around this.

So it’s not this feeling of stuckness, not this win, lose again. It’s like, okay, how do I want to proceed with whatever just unfolded? Because To me, conflict resolution doesn’t mean that everybody walks away, you know, Oh, this just worked out just right, you know, perfect and happy on both sides in a great world, or, you know, that, that could happen sometimes, but sometimes we don’t get the end result that we’re looking for.

And then it’s also being able to say, and now what, what are my options and what are my choices now? And I feel like it’s really an important. all of us to learn. I often think about, you know, conflict resolution, thinking about as an adult, we have a need, like, you know, something didn’t go well, we’ll go up to a person in customer service, you know, we want a resolution, they may not be able to give it to us.

Is there a way that there’s this happy medium or is there a way that, you know, we’re going to be able to walk away and be okay with Okay, that that didn’t work out the way that I wanted. What did I learn from it? What can I take away from this? And when you said that last step of making the request, it just made me think a request can be made.

It’s not always granted, but what can I learn from, from that opportunity of if it, if something didn’t come out with my end result that I wanted? Yes, I couldn’t agree more. And let me say this. I was introduced to Marshall Rosenberg’s work when I went Through my parent coach training some 15 years ago now, which seems like yesterday in many ways.

But one of the things before I learned about nonviolent communication and after the difference I would say is before I didn’t really understand the value of making a request to people in all, in all relationships, right? So sometimes what will happen is if you’re not clear on your request, The argument just goes on and on and on and on and things linger, right?

So, so even for me as an adult, when I make a request of my son or my husband, or let’s say I’m, I’m going into a store, you know, I bought something and I want to return it. I had a situation recently where I wanted to return something. And the guy let me know that I was outside the return window. And I said to him, well, I’m, I’m making a request to you to waive the return policy.

And the reasons that I’m asking this of you, uh, are that I was out of town. I didn’t know the return policy. I now do, and going forward, we’ll make sure I follow it. And I’m a really good customer here. And I’m asking for a one time exception to return this item. And he said, yeah, I can totally do that for you.

Right. I was very clear about the requests that I was making. And I think so often in conflict, this is why it’s confrontation and not conflict. Right. It gets confrontation when we’re just arguing back and forth, back and forth, but it can be conflict resolution when we’re clear about the request. And I think that as parents, if we model that for our children, right.

If we show them what that looks like. They can learn that from us. Right? So let me walk through how you might use this in a situation as the parent. So first you state your intention, or you can use this as the kid too. First you would state your intention. I want us to talk about X in a way that works for both of us.

Right? So, so we’re stating the intention. I want us to talk about your grades, or I want us to talk about the upcoming school year, or I want us to talk about your screen time in a way that works for both of us. Right? Yes. Then you share your feelings and needs. I’m feeling upset or sad or nervous about your screen time because there’s all this data coming out saying that excessive amounts of screen time is bad for kids mental health.

So you would just say that I’m worried about it because of this. Can you tell me now next you’re going to ask about their feelings and needs. Can you tell me how you’re feeling about this when I bring it up? Right. Are you surprised? Would you like some time to think about it? Are you a whoa, whoa, whoa, kid, you’re getting defensive on me, right?

Maybe we need to take a break about this, right? That’s it can sometimes kids can get very heated, right? But, but in actuality, you know, can you tell me how you’re feeling about your screen time? What’s important to you about this? Well, well, I’m one hand mom. I realize I’m on my screen a lot, but I never know when my friends are going to get on.

And what’s really important to me is that I’m on gaming when my friends are on. And so a lot of times I’m just on waiting. My son used to say this a lot of times I’m just on waiting for them to get on. And that, you know, and that would be like, Oh, okay. So what I hear you saying is, number one, you know, you’re on it for too long.

You do realize that, but you’re worried you’re going to miss out on playing with your friends. So you’re kind of on trolling, waiting for them to get on. And while you’re on, you’re playing with other people, right? And then my request might be in this example, well, would it be possible for you and your friends to make a text thread where you’re texting each other updates about when you’re all going to get on.

So that when your friends aren’t on, you actually get off and do something else. And we set a limit of an hour and a half a day. And we say that hour and a half for when your friends are on, I’m going to hold you to that limit. And we find another way for your friends to inform you when they’re going to get on that day.

Right? So now I’m making an actual request. I’m not just griping at my kid about how much time he spends. Amy, I’m making an actual request. We set a limit of an hour and a half. I’d like to stick to the limit as much as possible. How do we solve the problem that you get to spend the hour and a half with your friends and know when to get on without being on for an excessive amount of hours, waiting for them to get on?

As I’m listening to you share that example, Lisa, all I can think about is how both of you. would likely feel at the end of that discussion versus one where there really is no strategy or plan and it becomes an argument it becomes a confrontation because you want something he wants something and in a sense You both kind of want the same thing.

You want awareness around, you know, having that sweet spot for time, but by having that process and having everybody have the opportunity for their voice to be heard and a request to be made, it leads to a solution. And it’s like, man, that just feels so much lighter than getting into an argument and then still not having a resolution or having, you know, a lot of hurt feelings that go on that linger on, um, that, that then might lead to.

Well, I’m not going to, I’m not going to follow through with that. I’m not going to do that. Yeah. And it, it really helps the child not get rooted down in the power struggle that comes from the panic of, well, deep inside of something like, I need to be on when my friends are on and I’m going to miss out because then FOMO and fear of missing out and feeling left out and right.

And, and it just goes down this rabbit hole and really 99 percent of these things are solvable. Yeah, they are. If we follow this process. So let me give you another example. Um, for the listener, if none of those have resonated with you. Okay. So let me give you one more example. So you might go to your kid and say, I want us to talk about bedtime in a way that works for both of us.

Right. That’s step one. You’re stating your intention. Then you would share your feelings and I’m feeling concerned because I know how important sleep is. for your growth and your health and your mood. And it’s my job as a parent to make sure you’re getting enough rest. And then you ask about their feelings and needs.

Can you tell me how you’re feeling about bedtime? What’s important to you about staying up so late? Why are you so determined and driven to stay up late? And you listen and you offer empathy. I hear that you’re feeling frustrated because you want more time to relax and do the things that you enjoy in the evening.

Makes sense to me, right? You’re empathizing. Doesn’t mean you agree. Empathy doesn’t. Maybe we need a podcast on that. Doesn’t mean they’re right or we agree or we’re going along with it. We’re saying I understand why you feel this way in this moment and then the final request in this example might be, would you be willing to try going to bed at a set time for a week?

And then look at your schedule to include more downtime in the evening. Right? So could we say every night you’ll be in bed by 11 o’clock, no matter what this obviously would be an older teenage kid, maybe over the summer. So, if, you know, you’re going to go to bed by 11 o’clock, that allows you to work backwards to do all these.

you know, downtime activities you’d like to do in the evening, but no matter what you’re in bed at 11 o’clock again, that’s a way to find a solution rather than win the battle of forcing my kids to go to bed. I can see how, especially coming into this time of year where we’re probably just a few weeks away from school, starting again, at least I know when my kids were younger, we definitely had a little different bedtime rule during summer than we did.

you know, during the school year and just having this kind of conversation about there’s going to be a switch in bedtime and a switch in some evening routine as we get more prepared coming into the school year. I could see where that could be so much more effective than just a hardened core. You’re now going to bed at, you know, 8 30 instead of, you know, maybe now they’re staying up till 9 30 or something.

So and the kid might have an option like, well, could we, could we go from midnight to 11 30 to 11? Right. And the parent might say, that’s reasonable because ultimately, ultimately my goal is there you’re back to a 10 o’clock bedtime before school starts. So yeah, we can walk it backwards that way. Yeah.

Right. And when we’re not, Defensive as the kid or the parent or the two siblings talking to each other. When we’re not defensive, we can be in our higher brain, which is where we’re calm. We’re creative. We’re empathetic. We’re open to ideas, right? So all of that can come about. So as you teach your daughters, these skills, They’re going to develop conflict resolution skills that they can use with each other and others that not only will create compromise and resolution, but will create connection and help them feel empowered.

Absolutely. I was just looking back over the notes that I took with this particular section called empowered conversations and how important that is. And I really, really appreciate the opportunity to learn from you and with you and hopefully to be able to share this with others. I think it can apply across All ages and, and, and very different situations.

And I feel like I, I now as mom, have new tools to be able to go and approach my girls in, in a very different way. The next time they come to me and say, Hey, can you help me solve this? It’s like, you know what? I can, and here’s a way I can help you learn. That feels so empowering to me as opposed to being the, the middleman.

So thank you so much for giving the, these strategies and these tools to, to help us move forward. Thank you. Yeah. Kris, thanks for joining me. It was a, it was a really good conversation. You brought great insights to the topic and to the content and to the episode. So I’m grateful to you for joining us today.

And as we wrap up, I want you all the listener to remember that teaching our kids to handle conflict, it’s an ongoing process. It’s not a one time event. It’s like, it’s like the Olympics. It’s that one and the Olympics, not a one time event. It requires patience practice and leading by example by using these strategies and the empowered conversation framework.

We can create a home environment where conflict becomes an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. So I want to encourage you to practice these techniques just as Kris is going to do in our own families. And remember that every conflict is an opportunity to model healthy communication for our kids.

Okay, until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit ThePeacefulParent. com. See you soon!