Ep #190: The After-School Meltdown Rollercoaster: Buckle Up, Parents!

Welcome to real world, peaceful parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so excited to be with you today. Today, we’re about to take a wild ride on the afterschool meltdown rollercoaster. So buckle up amazing parents and make sure your seatbelt is snug and tight. Now picture this, you’re excited to pick up your little one from school, right?

I mean, here in North America, many kids are already back to school or planning back to school as we head into the end of August. So as I said, picture this, you’re excited to pick your little one up from school. You’ve got visions of big smiles, warm hugs, and animated stories about their day, but instead, boom, the second they hop in the car, it’s like world war three has erupted in your backseat.

Sound familiar? Now, maybe this happens after daycare pickup or after soccer practice. If you experienced this in non afterschool times, just substitute in the scenario that I’m talking about and hang on for the wild ride. So if World War III has erupted in your backseat, sounds familiar. Let me tell you, I’ve been there.

Oh boy. Have I been there? When Malcolm was in kindergarten, I swear he turned into a tiny tornado. The second school let out. And you know what? It still happens now that he’s 20. Yep. You heard that, right? 20. It is hard to believe that I am the mother of a 20 year old, but here’s the kicker folks. This isn’t just normal.

It’s actually wait for it. A compliment. I know. I know you’re probably thinking, Lisa, have you lost your mind? But stick with me here for a minute and let me break it down for you. Number one, you are not alone. Repeat after me. I am not alone. Number two, nothing has gone wrong. Let’s say it louder for the parents in the back.

Nothing has gone wrong. And number three, this meltdown, this storm, it’s actually a backhanded compliment to your awesome parenting. Now I want you to try something. Close your eyes if you’re not driving and imagine your kid or kids at any age wearing a big, giant, invisible backpack to school every day.

And throughout the day, the backpack gets stuffed full of all sorts of unprocessed emotions and commands. Things like, when they hear, sit still, in the backpack goes frustration. You can’t play with us. Plop, inside goes rejection. Hey, pop quiz everybody. Anxiety, meet backpack. Time to switch classes. Hello, stress.

These jeans are itchy. Discomfort joins the party. I don’t understand the math problem. Confusion sneaks in. And by the time you pick them up, this emotional, invisible backpack is ready to burst. And guess what? You, my real world peaceful parent, are your kid’s safe space to unpack all that emotional baggage.

Yes, you. You think about it all day long. Your child has been holding it together all day long. They’ve been following the rules, managing social dynamics, tackling academic challenges, and navigating a world that’s not always kind. Nice or built for their needs. It’s exhausting. I mean, when I put it like this, can you see that it’s exhausting?

And when they finally see you, they’re safe person, they’re safe place, their emotional home base, all that pent up stuff comes pouring out of the invisible, emotional home. Backpack. Remember my kindergartner turned tornado? Well, I’ll let you in on a secret. I used to take all of this so, so, so personally.

I’d think things like, why is he being such a brat? Doesn’t he know how much I missed him? Why can’t he just behave? But here’s the truth bomb. It wasn’t about me at all. I remember one day in particular, I picked Malcolm up, all excited to see him. I’d missed him during the day. And all excited to hear about his day and bam, he started screaming the second he got in the car.

I felt my blood pressure rising, my teeth clenching. I was ready to lose it right along side him, but then something clicked and I took a deep breath. I got curious, not furious. And I thought, what if this isn’t about me? What if he needs something right now? That moment changed everything. I remembered that every behavior communicates a need.

So instead of yelling back, I stayed quiet for a few minutes. I just drove taking deep breaths and looking at him with empathy. He calmed down a bit. And then I calmly and gently said, sounds like you had a tough day, buddy. Wanna talk about it? And you know what? The floodgates opened. He told me about a project that didn’t go well.

A friend that wouldn’t play with them at recess. And how worried he was about a spelling test. Now let’s fast forward to present day. My 20 year old son still calls me after his college classes sometimes. And you know what? He still needs to unpack that emotional backpack. The difference. Now I know how to handle it.

Just a couple of months ago, he called me after a particularly grueling day of school. I could hear the stress in his voice. And as soon as he said, Hey mom, Instead of peppering him with questions or trying to fix everything, I just listened. I let him vent about his frustrations with the group project, his worries about an exam, and his disappointment in a grade he received.

By the end of the call, he let out a big sigh and said, Thanks, Mom. I feel so much better now. And that, my friends, is what it’s all about. Being that safe place where our kids can unload, reset, and face the world again. Sometimes right after school, day in and day out. So are you ready for the game changer?

Here are my top five tips for navigating the after school meltdown madness. You ready? They’re pretty easy, but hopefully you’re going to have light bulb moments as you hear each of them. Number one’s probably not going to surprise you, Number one is, drumroll please, don’t take it personally, I beg you, it is not about you.

Remember, your child’s behavior is about their thoughts, their emotions, and their experience. Not a reflection. Of your parenting or their love for you. Not one bit. So don’t take it personally. Number two, manage your expectations. No, they’re probably not going to leap into your arms every single day. So maybe instead of expecting a cheerful recap, prepare yourself for the possibility of a meltdown.

This mental preparation can help you stay regulated. And calm, respond more calmly, right? Pause and respond rather than react and offer them co regulation. Number three, be at your best, put your phone down and take a couple deep breaths before you pick them up. Drive to school, pick up in silence, regulating yourself, checking in with your body.

Make sure that you’re in your higher brain and fully regulated. So that you can be fully present with them when you pick them up. You want to be the calmest person in the car, in the room, at the bus stop when you interact with them. Because what I know for sure is that your calm can be contagious.

Number four, connect, connect, connect. Be a feelings detective. Remember, every behavior communicates a need. Look beyond the behavior to the feelings and needs underneath. Ask open ended questions like, What was the hardest part of your day? How did that make you feel? What’s going on for you right now? And never be afraid to pull out a parent’s greatest tool.

Tell me more. And number five, create a routine. Kids thrive on knowing what to expect. Maybe it’s a quiet car ride home. Where you wait until they’re ready to talk and they initiate the conversation. Maybe it’s a snack and a chill out time when you get home with some quiet music playing in the background.

Maybe it’s a quick workout or a play session before homework. Find out what works for your family and stick to it. Now I want you to try something. Next time you’re in the midst of an afternoon school storm, take a mental step back, get in your higher brain, pause and respond. Instead of thinking, why are they being so difficult?

Maybe try, wow, they must’ve had a really full day. I’m so glad they feel safe enough with me to let it out. You could also remember the mantra that he, she, or they are not giving me a hard time. They’re having a hard time. Can you feel the shift? It’s like magic. I tell you, it’s like magic. Let me share with you an example to illustrate this.

A mom I work with, let’s call her Sarah, was at her wits end with her eight year old daughter’s after school tantrums. Sarah’s word for it, not mine. Every day was a battle, and Sarah felt like a failure. We worked on implementing these five strategies. Not taking it personally. Managing expectations. Being at her best, connect, connect, connect, and creating a routine.

Within a week, she noticed a huge difference. A couple of weeks in, her daughter got in the car after school and immediately started complaining about everything. Instead of getting frustrated, Sarah took a deep breath and said, sounds like you had a lot of big feelings today. Want to tell me about them?

And then Sarah just paused and kept driving. Her daughter’s surprised by the response. Looked at her mom and blinked for a few seconds and then opened up about a conflict with her best friend. She told her mom the whole story. And Sarah just listened with empathy, nodding, and taking it all in. By the time they got home, her eight year old daughter was calm and even smiling.

She told me later, Sarah said, It’s like I have a different child, but really I think I’m the one who’s changed. I’m not taking it personally anymore, and it’s made all the difference in the world. So good, right? All right, I’m going to give you a little homework this week in the spirit of back to school.

You as the parents get a little bit of homework, but don’t worry. It’s kind of fun. Number one I want you to ask yourself. What’s your typical reaction to after school meltdowns be honest with yourself. Do you get angry? Do you get frustrated? Do you get sad number two? I want you to ask yourself after listening to today’s episode.

How might you reframe that reaction using what we talked about today? Instead of he or she is so what ungrateful Disrespectful, difficult. Can you switch to something like, He trusts me with his big feelings. His emotional backpack is obviously full. And I need to give him a minute to unload it. I can just wait until he’s ready.

You could also go to the mantra, She’s having a hard time not giving me a hard time. Our kids are not hardwired to give us a hard time. Oftentimes they’re sending up an SOS that they really need help processing what’s going on around them. Unfortunately, sometimes the SOS’s are big, loud, messy, storming, melting down, you know, that kind of thing.

Number three, ask yourself, what’s one small change you can make. And your afterschool routine tomorrow. Maybe it’s having a snack in the car or starting with the joke, a silly joke, a knock knock joke, instead of how is your day. Maybe it’s just simply telling your kids you’re so happy to see them and then driving home in silence while they have a quiet moment to process.

What happened to him that day and wait for them to talk at the end of the week, reflect on how these changes affected your afterschool experiences, what worked, what didn’t remember here at the real world, peaceful parenting community. It’s all about progress, not perfection. And I want you to also consider that we’re not just raising kids.

We’re raising future adults and we want to help them know how to process their emotions in healthy ways. And that starts at home with us. What we offer, how we’re the safe place, what we model for our kids, it all starts with us. When we provide a safe space for our kids to unpack their emotional backpacks, we’re teaching them invaluable life skills.

If you hear nothing else today, please hear this following sentence. We’re showing them that it’s okay to have big feelings. And that they can trust us and themselves with those big feelings. And they can learn to manage them in healthy ways. Let me say that again. When you provide a safe place for your kids to unpack their emotional backpacks, you’re showing them that it’s okay to have big feelings.

Big negative feelings. You’re showing them that they can trust you with those feelings, and they can trust themselves. And that they can learn to manage their big feelings So good, right? So the next time your sweet angel transforms into a post school gremlin, take a deep breath and remember, you, yes you, you’ve got this.

You are their safe space. You’re their emotional landing pad, and that, my friends, is the greatest compliment our kids can give us. It might not feel like it in the moment, but staying calm and supportive during these after school meltdowns, you’re strengthening your bond with your kids. At any age, every day, you’re creating a relationship where they know they can come to you with anything.

Even when they’re at their worst. And isn’t that what we all want as humans? I want to wrap today’s episode up by telling you that you are doing an amazing job. I want you to hold on to the concept that every meltdown navigated with love and understanding is a step towards raising emotionally intelligent, resilient adults.

You’re not just surviving the afterschool madness. You’re laying the groundwork for your child’s future emotional wellbeing. And that, my friends, is a true parenting success. Yes? I think we can all agree upon that. Now before we wrap up, I want to give a special shout out to one of our amazing listeners named Christina who took time to leave a review.

Let me read it to you. She said, Lisa is amazing. Thank you, Christina. I appreciate that. She said, I highly recommend this podcast to anyone who Looking for real world research back tools to improve parenting. Lisa provides so many great tips for helping parents identify triggers, heal wounds, and become the peaceful parent they strive to be.

Go listen now. Thank you, Christina. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave that review. And I appreciate all of you who’ve taken the time to rate and review the podcast. I’m especially grateful because when you rate or review the podcast, You’re paying it forward to other families.

How you ask? Well, when you leave a review on a podcast platform, that service is much more likely to recommend this podcast. When people are looking for a parenting resource, when you take your time to write and review, you’re paying it forward to other families and other children who really need their parents to hear this information.

So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for helping to change the world. One family at a time. And if you feel moved by today’s episode, I would really, really, really appreciate if you would leave a review and rate the podcast. Thank you in advance. Okay. The afterschool rollercoaster buckle up parents, but I know you’ve got this.

I know you can use the five tools. I know I’ve changed how you see the afterschool meltdown today. You can shift your perspective. and understand the compliment this is coming from your kids. Until next time, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit ThePeacefulParent.com. See you soon.