Ep #191: 5 Ways Your Thoughts Are Sabotaging Your Parenting

Welcome to real world, peaceful parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. I am so excited to be with you today. Amazing parents. Can you feel my energy? Can you? Because today we’re diving deep into a topic that’s going to rock your parenting world. The energy you, yes you, bring to your parenting. Now I want you to pause for a moment and ask yourself, what thoughts are renting space in your head right now regarding your kids?

What thoughts are renting space in your head right now? And how do you feel about these thoughts? Well, I want you to buckle up because we’re about to embark on a journey of self discovery that could change everything, everything about how you show up with your kids. Let’s start with a little story.

Picture this. It’s Monday morning and you’re trying to get everyone out the door. Your seven year old can’t find her favorite shoes. Your toddler has decided pants are optional. And you’re running late for an important meeting. How do you feel on that Monday morning? And more importantly, what thoughts are racing through your mind?

For many of us, it might sound something like this. Why can’t they be ready on time? I’m going to be late again. I’m such a failure. Why can’t my kids just cooperate? Why can’t they listen? Does this sound familiar? Now here’s the kicker, and you may not know this, but those thoughts create feelings. And those feelings, they’re shaping your energy.

And that energy, it’s affecting everything. And I mean everything about how you interact with your kids. But here’s the good news. You have the power to change it. So let’s break this down. Number one, the power of parental energy is important to understand. Say what, Lisa? Yep. Your energy as a parent is like a superpower.

It can lift up your entire family or bring everyone down. Your energy as a parent is contagious. It’s powerful and it can set the tone for your entire household. Think about it. Have you ever walked into a room and instantly felt the tension? Or been around someone so positive that you can’t help but smile?

That, my friend, is energy at work. Number two, I want you to think about thoughts that rent space in our heads. This is really an important concept when it comes to parenting. Because we have those pesky thoughts. And we all have them, by the way. Every one of us. They take up residence in our minds. They rent out a part of our brain.

You know, the ones that whisper things like, I’m not good enough. My kids are so difficult. I don’t know how to handle this. I can’t handle it. I’m always messing up. Nothing goes my way. I never get it right. These thoughts are not just harmless mental chatter. They’re shaping your reality moment by moment.

So how do you recognize what energy you’re bringing to your parenting? Here’s a quick exercise. Close your eyes and think about the last interaction you had with your child. A few minutes ago, an hour ago, earlier today, Just think about the last interaction and think about how did you feel? Were you frustrated?

Were you loving? Were you impatient? Were you joyful? And then think about the thoughts you were having before and during these feelings. It is a fact, my friend, that the feelings that you were having are direct results of the thoughts you were thinking right before and in that moment. Our feelings are created by our thoughts.

And here’s where things get really interesting. Your thoughts create your feelings, and your feelings create your actions. I always think about this as well lined up, spaced apart dominoes. It’s the domino effect. Let me say it again. Your thoughts create your feelings, and your feelings create your actions.

Let me give you some examples. Let’s say you have the thought, my kids never listen to me. My kids never listen to me. My kids never listen to me. That immediately creates a feeling like frustration, yeah? And then you end up, your action is you end up yelling or giving up. But what if, what if we could change that first domino?

What if instead you thought, my kids are learning and growing every day? Or my kids haven’t learned to listen to me in that area yet. You might instead have a feeling, instead of frustration, of patience. And instead of yelling or giving up, your action might be to calmly repeat the instructions or find a new approach.

Can you feel that shift in the energy? I know I can. Whenever I reframe a new thought, it moves me from a feeling of frustration to one of patience. I feel that shift in the energy. Now you might be thinking, okay, Lisa, that sounds great, but how do I actually do this? I’m ready. I want this. How do I do this?

Well, I’m so glad you asked. I’m going to give you some practical strategies right now to create that domino effect, to create that shift in the energy, and it all begins with changing that first domino. So the first thing I want you to do is I want you to catch yourself in the act. Literally, when you notice a negative thought, I want you to pause and ask yourself, is it Is this thought helping me or hurting my parenting?

Is it helping or hurting my parenting? If it’s helping, keep it. If it’s doing anything other than helping, Then the next thing to do is reframe your thoughts. Just reframe them to something slightly less negative, neutral, or positive. So instead of this is so hard, you might reframe it to I’m learning and growing as a parent.

Super helpful. It’s the first domino that we’re changing because as we change our thoughts. We’re going to change our feeling and our action. The next step in this strategy is going to sound weird, but it fits, I promise. And it’s to practice gratitude. Start each day by thinking of three things that you’re grateful for.

or about your child. Three things every day. By practicing this gratitude and this acknowledgement, it forces your brain to look for the good, the things your kid’s getting right, which will make reframing negative thoughts so much easier for you. This is a complete game changer, practicing this gratitude.

And then lastly, I want you to use positive affirmations. All the time with yourself, even when you don’t completely believe them, you can try saying things like, I’m a calm and patient parent. I choose to respond with love. I am learning and growing as a parent. I trust that this will all work out positive affirmations on the regular, and you really only need one or two.

You can pick the same one or two and just repeat them over and over and over throughout the day, day in and day out. Let me share a personal example with you. Okay. When Malcolm was younger, I used to constantly think, he’s so stubborn, why won’t he just listen to me? He’s so stubborn. I used to think this over and over and over.

It’s like I had a recording in my head on repeat. And think about this. I’m telling myself all day, He’s stubborn, and why won’t he listen? I’m affirming that he’s not gonna listen, and I have no idea why. Which was 0. 0 percent helpful in being in relationship with Malcolm and creating connection and cooperation.

And you know why? It’s because these thoughts made me feel frustrated and angry. It wasn’t what Malcolm was doing that was making me frustrated and angry. It was my thoughts about what he was doing that made me feel frustrated and angry. Which only made our interactions worse. and took me further away from connection and cooperation.

And then one day I decided to shift my thinking. I started telling myself, he has a strong spirit and he knows what he wants. And you know what happened? I felt proud of his determination. My new thoughts created a feeling of pride. I used to sometimes also say to myself, he knows what he wants and man, it’s hard, but I love how determined he is.

And literally within a couple days. Our interactions became more positive. We were more connected and I got more cooperation and I was better able to guide him because I changed the first domino in the domino effect. I shifted away from he’s stubborn and won’t listen to me too. He has a strong spirit and he’s very clear about what he wants.

He’s 20 years old, and I still think he’s very clear about what he wants. And I love this about him. You ask that kid what he wants for dinner, he will tell you. You ask him where he wants to go on vacation, he knows. He’s very clear about what he wants. And I see it now as a superpower rather than something to be frustrated and angry over.

So we’re going to catch ourself in the act. We’re going to reframe our thoughts. We’re going to practice gratitude, and we’re going to use positive affirmations. All in an attempt to change the first domino and create a different domino effect. We’re intentional with our thoughts to create the feelings that we want, to create the actions that we want as a parent and the actions we want with our kids.

Now let me give you some real life examples of how shifting your energy can transform your parenting. Let’s say we’re in the middle of morning rush. And your old thought is the old tape recorder playing in your head is we’re always late. My kids are so slow. I’m a terrible parent and we’re never going to be on time.

So you shift from that to new thoughts that are we’re learning to manage our time and every day is a chance to get better Let’s say you have a picky eater and you marinate in thoughts like my child is so difficult He won’t eat anything and mealtime is always a battle Let’s say the first domino you change is to this new thought my child is learning about food I can be patient and offer variety I mean, imagine how that shifts the energy around mealtime.

Let’s look at a bedtime example, or should I say a bedtime struggle? Maybe the current thought that you start to marinate in all night is, oh, here we go again. Why can’t they just go to sleep? I’m so tired of fighting every night. Maybe the new thought is, bed is a chance to connect. We’re creating peaceful bedtime routines.

I’m teaching them how to go to sleep. Maybe you have a lot of sibling fighting going on in your house. Sibling rivalry, sibling fighting, negative interactions, and the tape playing in your head is, Oh my gosh, my kids are always fighting. I can’t handle this constant bickering. Could you reframe that to my children are learning to navigate conflict and relationships.

And I’m here to guide them. Maybe you have a lot of stress. There’s a lot of storming over homework each night. And the tape playing in your head is, why can’t they just get their work done? I don’t want to help them. I’m not cut out for this. Imagine the energy shift that would be created if you moved into a new thought, a new domino.

We’re working on building good study habits. And it’s going to take time and I can offer support and encouragement. Couple more and then we’ll wrap up. Let’s say you have the difficult to get up in the morning teenager. I had one of those. Maybe it’s 7 15 a. m. and your teenager is still in bed, despite needing to leave for school in 15 minutes.

Sound familiar? Yeah? Let’s look at how our energy can shift the situation. Maybe the current tape playing in your head is why is she so lazy? She’s going to be late again. I’m failing as a parent She’s never gonna be able to get to work on time. She’s never gonna hold down a job. Oh my gosh She’s gonna be living under a bridge with a shopping cart.

Okay that energy I think we can all agree is not gonna be helpful For the morning for getting her up for getting her to school on time nor for your relationship with your teenager So imagine if you took a deep breath and instead of going down that Black hole. You just said, you know what? I know from research and from talking to Lisa that mornings are challenging for teens.

We can work together to find strategies that help her start her day smoothly and get to school on time. We can do this. This is possible. Can you feel that difference? When we shift from the frustration and judgment to understanding and problem solving, we open up to possibilities. Maybe your teenager needs a more gradual wake up routine, or perhaps moving some morning tasks to the evening could help.

By approaching the situation with a positive energy, you as the parent, with a fully developed brain, are more likely to find these solutions that work for both of you when you’re marinating And a positive energy rather than a negative energy. Now imagine you have a struggling nine year old. He comes home from school upset because he’s having trouble making friends.

Here’s how our energy can impact this delicate situation. You might think what’s wrong with him? Why can’t he just get along with others? I must’ve messed up somewhere along the way. I think we can agree. That energy is not going to be helpful to be empathetic with your nine year old Or have them figure out a different process in making friends.

Imagine if you shifted the energy and thoughts to something like, friendships can be challenging and I can support her in developing social skills and building confidence. When we shift our energy from worry and self blame to support and guidance, we create a safe space for our children to express their feelings and work through the challenges.

Instead of seeing the situation as a problem, We’re shifting and we’re viewing it as an opportunity to help our kids grow and learn valuable life skills. In both these examples, I hope you’re able to notice how the afterthoughts focus on growth, support, and collaboration. This shift in energy not only helps us feel better as parents, but it also creates a more positive environment for your kids to navigate their challenges.

It’s not about ignoring challenges or pretending everything is perfect. It’s not. It’s about approaching those challenges with a mindset that empowers both you and your children. Okay, now I want to give you a homework assignment. Think about a recurring challenge in your parenting. What thoughts do you usually have about it?

How do those thoughts make you feel? Again, the feelings come from your thoughts, not the situation. Now try to reframe those thoughts into a more positive light. And just observe how that shifts your energy. This is in no way about being perfect or having perfect thoughts all the time. No one does. I promise.

No one. This is about progress. It’s about becoming aware of the energy you bring to your parenting and making conscious choices to shift that energy when needed. We’re human and negative thoughts are going to pop up often and on the regular. It’s how the human brain works. The key is to recognize them, understand their impact, and make a conscious choice to shift them when we can.

So here are some ways to support your homework assignment and support you when In shifting into a more positive energy and positive thoughts. Number one, keep a thought journal, write down your most common thoughts about your children and your parenting and invite yourself to be totally honest. Number two, practice reframing, take those thoughts and try to shift them into a more positive perspective, even slightly less negative.

Number three, set an energy intention each morning. Decide what kind of energy you want to bring to your parenting that day. You can do this. I do this every day. I decide the energy that I want to bring to my business, my coaching, my parenting, my relationships. I set an energy intention every morning.

Number four, do an energy check in. Several times throughout the day, pause and ask yourself, What What energy am I bringing to this moment? And number five, share your journey, talk to your partner, a friend, or even your children about your efforts to bringing more positive energy to your parenting.

Remember the energy you bring to your parenting has the power to transform your relationship with your children. It’s not about never having negative thoughts or feelings. We’re human. This is what the human brain does. What you have the power over is recognizing these thoughts. Understanding their impact.

and making a conscious choice to shift away from the negative energy and the negative thoughts. You, yes, you have the power on your own. You have the power to create a more peaceful, joyful parenting experience. And it all starts with you. With the thoughts you allow to rent space in your head. So what thoughts will you choose today?

What thoughts? This is the question. Before we wrap up, I want to give a special shout out to one of our amazing listeners who took the time to leave a review. Let me read it to you. Lisa has given me so many tools on this podcast that I can apply right away to my daily parenting. It’s amazing when you begin applying.

The deep listening tool. I realized how little I listen to my five year old. I’ve been more thoughtful about deep listening. Thank you, Sony Mama. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave this review and all of you who have taken the time to rate and review the podcast. I am incredibly grateful because when you rate or review the podcast, you’re paying it forward to other families.

How, you ask? Well, when you leave a review on a podcast platform, that service is much more likely to recommend the podcast when people are looking for a resource, like a parenting resource, in the case of real world peaceful parenting. So, when you take the time to rate and review, The podcast here, you’re paying it forward to other families, to other children who really need their parents to listen to the information.

The more reviews we garner, the more opportunity for this podcast to get in the hands of those that really need it. So from the bottom of my heart, Thank you for helping me to change the world one family at a time. As we wrap up today, I just want to leave you with the thought that you have the power to change the energy in your family.

You have the power. You can see your energy as a parent, as a superpower. It’s contagious, it’s powerful, and it sets the tone for your entire household. So please be incredibly intentional. and mindful of the energy you bring into your family, the energy you bring to your kids before school, after school, before a game on the weekends while on vacation at bedtime, you have the power to set the tone for your entire household.

So good, right? Thank you for listening to this. Thank you for working on your energy. Thank you. For putting the domino effect into work in your family. You’ve got this. I know it. And until we meet again I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to real world peaceful parenting If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.