Ep #192: The Magic of Holding Space: Transforming Your Child’s Emotional World (Part 1)

Welcome to real world, peaceful parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. I am so excited to be with you here today, truly, because today we’re diving into a topic that’s absolutely crucial for raising emotionally healthy, confident kids. And who doesn’t want that, right? So today we’re going to dive into holding space. Now I know you might be thinking, holding space, Lisa, I mean, what does that even mean?

And how does that help? My kids be emotionally healthy and confident. Well, don’t worry my friend, by the end of this episode, you’ll not only understand what it means, but you’ll also have practical tools to start doing this with your kids right now, today. Sound good? Let’s jump in. Alright, picture this.

Your child comes home from school, slams the door, and bursts into tears. What’s your first instinct? Is it to fix it? Is it to tell him to calm down or try to get him to calm down? Is it to get the big negative emotions to go away? Well, holding space is about creating a supportive emotional environment where your child feels safe to express themselves, safe to explore their feelings, and safe to be vulnerable without fear of judgment or criticism.

It’s really about being there, fully present. with them without trying to change or dismiss their emotions. Let me say that again. It’s about being there fully present without trying to change or dismiss their emotions. I remember when Malcolm was going through a tough time in junior high with some friends at school and instead of rushing to solve the problem or minimize the feelings, I would simply sit with him.

I would listen and I would let him know I was there. Those moments of holding space were more powerful than any advice I could have given him at the time. But let me be totally honest with you. It was so, so, so hard in the beginning and sometimes still is to resist the urge and the impulsivity to want to rush in and fix, correct, or redirect.

I mean, I hate being uncomfortable with other people’s big emotions and my impulsivity and my instinct, how I’m hardwired is to rush in to fix, correct, and redirect. But I don’t do that. I resist that urge because I understand the value of holding space. And that’s exactly what I want you to take away from today’s episode is the aha moment.

Because when the person is suffering and we take the moment to hold the space, being present and honoring their feelings, Without trying to change or dismiss their big emotions, we create connection. They feel seen, heard, and valued. Side note, this works in all relationships in your life. Coworkers, bosses.

mother in law’s neighbors, partners, teachers at the school. It works everywhere. Holding space is an incredible tool and I am so excited to share it with you today. And I’m only sorry that it’s taken me this long to share this important tool with you. Now you might be wondering. Why is this so important?

Well, let me tell you, it’s absolutely game changing. When we hold space for our kids, we build trust. We strengthen our relationship and we support their emotional development and self esteem. Holding space also relieves the suffering of the person suffering. It lets our kids know that their feelings are okay and that they’re safe with their feelings.

And they don’t need to feel bad. They don’t need to be. Rushed through or brushed aside. Also, listen to this. They learn to trust themselves and their feelings. Let me say that again. They learn to trust themselves and their feelings. Here’s a thought that always gives me goosebumps. One day in the future, your teen, tween, young adult, or adult will make a mistake or a bad choice.

And when that happens, I know you, I know what you really want. is you want your child to run to you instead of away from you when they make that mistake. And in that moment, you’ll know the immense value of peaceful, positive, respectful parenting. Respectful parenting. They will run to you, not away from you, because you’ve been holding space for them all these years.

Isn’t that powerful? Think about that. I don’t know about you, but I definitely wasn’t running to my family. When something went wrong or when I made a mistake or I needed help sorting out what was going on. Why not? Well, honestly, because no one was holding space for me ever. No one was comfortable with my big emotions.

Nobody was. letting me just talk and work through and help me understand that my feelings were not something to be shoved down or pushed aside or ignored for the sake of other people’s feelings. Nobody was rushing in. Instead, people were rushing in, telling me what to do, how to stuff my feelings down, how to solve the problem.

So when I made a mistake, there was no safe place. No one was holding space for me. To go and rest in that holding space environment and in that safety of having the confidence and the trust to sort out my own feelings. When we create an environment of understanding and acceptance, we’re laying the foundation for a lifelong connection with our kids.

We’re showing them that no matter what, we’re their safe harbor in the storm of life. Let me say that again. We’re showing them that no matter what, we’re their safe harbor in the storm of life. Now let’s clear up some misconceptions. Holding space isn’t isolating your kids, telling them to go to their room until they feel better, fixing their problems, or getting them to rush through their emotions.

It’s not about sending your child to their room when they’re upset or telling them to get over it. And it’s definitely not the same as permissive parenting where anything goes. Holding space is about being present, being supportive, and allowing your child to work through their emotions in a safe environment.

Safe environment. That is, all caps bolded and underlined. And you’re the person to create that safe environment for your kids. I feel like I need to repeat that sentence. Holding space is about being present. Being supportive and allowing your child to work through their emotions in a safe environment.

It’s about connection not correction in the moment. Now, let’s get practical here for a moment. One powerful technique is labeling your feelings and needs for your children. You might say you seem really frustrated or it looks like you need some cuddles right now. But here’s the key be willing to be corrected because you might get it wrong.

You might guess the wrong feeling. You You might be projecting your feelings onto your kid. You might have interpreted the situation incorrectly. So you might get it wrong, and that’s okay. Let your child explain what’s really going on. When we do this, we’re not only helping our child feel understood, but we’re also teaching them to recognize and express their own emotions.

It’s like emotional intelligence boot camp. Remember, the goal isn’t to agree with why they’re feeling a certain way. You don’t have to agree with what they’re feeling. You just have to acknowledge that this is what they’re feeling in the moment. I mean, think about this. As adults, how hurtful would it be to be ignored or sent away during times of distress?

So why would it ever be effective discipline for our kids? Now, I’ll be the first person to admit that holding space for our kids isn’t always easy. I still struggle with it at times and I’ve been doing it for a lot of years. Sometimes our own emotions get in the way. Sometimes we just want to fix everything and make it all better.

Sometimes we see the path forward and we just want to communicate it. Sometimes we’re wildly uncomfortable with other people, let alone our children’s big negative emotions. Sometimes we find it almost intolerable to watch our kids be upset in distress, hurt. and have these big emotions. But here’s something I want you to remember.

I say this all the time inside the Hive. The calmest person in the room is the most powerful. When our nervous system is regulated and grounded, we think clear, we feel deeper, and we radiate a deep sense of power. We are in our higher brain using our executive function instead of our emotional center of our brain.

So make it Your goal to try to be the calmest person in the room, holding space for big emotions does not require problem solving. Often when we see someone we care about feeling a hard feeling, being really upset, being distressed, suffering, the inclination is to want to fix it or stop it or solve the problem.

And as parents, we often want to make the sadness, frustration, tension. It’s such a natural response to want to rescue humans we care about from feeling hard things. And it can be hard to be with your kids during their big emotions. Maybe you didn’t have that as a kid. Nobody modeled that for you. And you needed it.

Maybe you were raised in a you’re okay, brush those knees off and keep going kind of household. I know, I relate to that. Or maybe you were raised in a hide your feelings right now kind of family. I relate to that. Or maybe you were raised in a family where the adult’s feelings always took priority over the kid’s feelings.

I relate to that. I so know all of these reasons, and I know this feeling of not knowing how to hold space and be wildly uncomfortable not being able to fix or being able to solve the problem. The impulse to tell your kids they’re okay, giving our kids what we needed and didn’t get can be hard and frustrating, but it’s so worth it.

Just the act of holding space. Changes generational patterns and break cycles for generations to come. When we resist the urge to tell our children that they’re okay. Brush it off and move on when it’s clear they’re not. Oh my gosh, you are totally pointing your family in a new trajectory with just this one tool.

I promise you. So here’s what I want you to do. Breathing breath work. Use your breath to take a deep breath. Ground yourself. Really aim to be the calmest person in the room. Remember that by staying calm and present, you’re modeling emotional regulation for our kids. You’re showing them how to handle big feelings in a healthy way.

And our kids don’t do what we say. They do what we do. So every single time you do this, Every single time you’re teaching your kids that they’re safe with their big emotions, that you’re the safe harbor and you’re modeling emotional regulation for them. Here’s what I know your impact of holding space for your kids.

Yes, you is profound. With this one tool, you’re nurturing their emotional growth. With this one tool, you’re building their self esteem. And with this one tool, you’re strengthening your relationship. You are creating a foundation of trust that will last a lifetime. You are teaching them to trust themselves and their feelings.

I cannot emphasize how important this is for your child’s self esteem, self confidence, and future. Teaching your kids to trust themselves and their feelings. It’s one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids. Because you’re teaching them that their feelings are okay and not something that they need to run from, ignore, or stuff down.

Yeah? So good, isn’t it? I just love talking about holding space. Now think about it this way. Behind every storm, no matter what age, is an amazing person overwhelmed by a challenging world. Storms require understanding, not judgment. And when we hold space, we’re saying, I see you. I hear you and you matter.

Now, remember, it’s okay if you get it wrong. It’s okay if you rush in to help. Just step back and begin again. The attempt to hold space itself is powerful. Just keep trying. You’re not going to be great at it the first time out. It takes some consciousness and some intention. To be the calmest person in the room.

It takes some thought work and some presence to overcome the impulsivity You might have been engaging in for a long time to rush in and fix The problem at hand in the heat of the moment it takes some real effort to resist the urge To tell your kid they’re okay Stuff down your feelings stop it right now.

But remember our mantra here at real world peaceful parenting is progress Progress over perfection. Now, if you’re loving this concept of holding space and want to dive deeper, or want somebody To help you understand this on a deeper level and maybe coach you and hold you accountable to get there. Or maybe you want to make rapid progress because you understand the value of holding space.

You just don’t quite know how to do it because nobody’s ever held space for you. Well, then I want to invite you to join us in the hive in the hive. I teach parents how to create a supportive, emotional, intelligent environment for their children with strategies tailored just for you. We go beyond the basics.

and dig into how to apply these principles in your unique family situation. Because I know your family is unique and I can help you get to your goals. I can help you learn to hold space for your kids consistently and be the calmest person in the room on the regular. So if this interests you, you can learn more.

About the hive and join at the hive coaching dot com. That’s the hive coaching dot com Now as we wrap up today, let me share this holding space is about creating a safe emotional environment for our kids It’s about listening Accepting validating and being present. It’s not always easy, but it is an incredibly Powerful parenting tool.

Remember connection is our child’s greatest need and our adults, most effective influence. Yeah. All right. Thank you so much for joining me today. I want you to know that I’m holding space for you as you learn to hold space for your amazing kids. Sound good. All right, until next time, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit ThePeacefulParent. com. See you soon.