Ep #193: The Magic of Holding Space: Transforming Your Child’s Emotional World (Part 2)

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

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Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so excited to be with you here today and bring you part two of I decided to bring you a part two of holding space for our kids because 2024 is the year of self regulation. And I know we’ve been working on this all year. And when I concluded last week’s episode, part one of holding space for your kids, I realized that I had more in me.

And that I could go deeper and that I could bring you the exact steps for doing this. Because what I know is that when you know the steps and you have the confidence to hold space for your kids, it also helps you stay regulated and be the calmest person in the room. So today we’re going to dig deep into this topic because I really believe that it’s absolutely transformative for your relationship with your kids.

As I mentioned in our last episode, I introduced this powerful concept. And today I’m going to get super practical with you. And I’m going to give you the eight steps to holding space for your kits. Now you might be thinking, well, at least the eight steps, that sounds complicated, but don’t worry, my friend, by the end of this episode, you’ll not only understand these steps, but you’ll also have practical tools to start using them today.

Right now today with your kids. Before we jump in to the steps, let’s quickly recap the definition of holding space. It’s about creating a supportive emotional environment where your child feels safe to express themselves, explore their feelings, and be vulnerable without fear of judgment or criticism.

It’s about being there, fully present, without trying to change or dismiss their emotions. And, as I mentioned in part one, connection is a child’s greatest need and an adult’s or a parent’s most effective influence. When we hold space, we’re building that connection in one of the most powerful ways. So you ready to dive into the eight steps?

Alright, let’s do this. Step one is to listen attentively, which is a hard word to say. This might sound simple, but it’s so powerful. When your kid speaks, give them your full attention. And I mean your full attention. Put down that phone. I know it’s hard. Stop what you’re doing, turn off the TV and really tune in.

I remember at different times throughout Malcolm’s life when he’s been going through tough times, whether it was with a basketball challenge or in school or with friends or stress about where he was going to go away to school instead of half listening while scrolling through my phone or thinking about my to do list.

I made a conscious effort. each and every time to put everything aside and just listen. The difference in his response was night and day from listening attentively versus halving it. And even now while he’s away at college and our biggest mode of communication is over the phone. When I’m realizing that he needs me to hold space for him, I give him my full attention.

Step two, accept emotions. This is all about allowing your child to experience and express his, her, or their emotions, even the tough ones. Remember, all feelings are valid. All. Even the ones you don’t agree with or understand. Even the big, messy, uncomfortable ones. And, I know firsthand how hard this can be.

Our instinct is often to try and fix negative emotions or distract our kids from them, or tell them not to worry about them, or insist they stuff them down or make them go away. But when we accept all emotions, we’re teaching our kids that it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling. Step three, provide a nonjudgmental presence.

This is where you’re going to offer support and understanding without criticizing or lecturing. And again, I know how tempting it can be to want to turn every moment into a teachable moment. But this is not the time for life lessons. Instead, try saying something like, I’m here with you or simply sitting quietly beside them.

Your presence alone can be incredibly comforting. Step four, be patient. Give your child time to process their thoughts and feelings at their own pace. There’s no rush here. Sometimes kids need to sit with their emotions before they’re ready to talk or move on. I remember times when I wanted to rush Malcolm through his feelings because let’s face it.

Big emotions can be uncomfortable for us parents too. But I learned that by being patient, I was showing him that his feelings were important and worthy of my time and attention and worthy of his time and attention. Step 5. Offer physical and emotional comfort. Be physically present and provide reassurance Through maybe rubbing the back, touching the shoulder, through using words when appropriate.

This might mean a hug or holding hands or sitting close by. Sometimes comfort can be as simple as saying, I’m here with you. It’s okay to feel that way. I can see you’re very upset. Step six, resist the urge to fix. This is a big one, folks. This is a big one. Instead of immediately trying to solve the problems, allow your child to work through the challenges with your support.

I know, I know, as parents, we want to swoop in and make everything better. We love our kids. We want the best for them. It’s so hard to watch them be uncomfortable. When we do Step 6, we’re giving them the opportunity to develop resilience. And I don’t know about you, but I want a resilient kid. Step seven, validate their experiences, acknowledge their feelings and perspectives.

Even if you don’t fully agree, you might say, I can see why you’d feel that way. Or that sounds really tough. Validation doesn’t mean you agree with everything they’re saying or doing. It simply means you’re recognizing their emotional experience as real and important. Step eight, maintain boundaries. In step eight, we want to provide a safe space.

While still upholding necessary rules and limits, holding space doesn’t mean anything goes. It doesn’t mean that we turn into permissive parents and we let our kids do whatever they want. We can be empathetic and understanding while still maintaining our role as parents and guides. Now you might be thinking, this sounds great in theory, but how does this work in real life?

Hive members. That show exactly how powerful these steps can be. Let me share a story from one of our recent HIVE members who shared with us about holding space for a six year old son. She said, I’ve been getting so good at being and staying regulated when my son has his storms. When he can’t do something exactly how he pictures it so perfectly in his mind, he gets really upset and starts storming.

And my job, which I’m working on and doing really a good job at, is to just hold space for him. I’m just there for him. I’m quiet, and then I check in with them. I don’t try to fix it, and I don’t try to fix him. It’s really, really cool. I’m so grateful for everything I’ve learned here. And I’m so confident that I’m parenting the very best I possibly can.

Isn’t that beautiful? This mom is applying several of our steps. She’s staying calm. Being present resisting the urge to fix and giving her son some space to process his emotions. I love it Here’s another example from a hive member with the 10 year old strong willed daughter She wrote I have a success story to share last night.

I gave my daughter two choices And set a limit on each of those choices. She chose one and we moved forward. When the limit was reached, she definitely tried to get more and gave me a little eye rolling and a lot of sass. I simply looked at her and I said, I understand, I hear you. And then I gave her space and kept completely quiet.

Lisa, she was definitely annoyed. Then she moved towards going up to bed by herself because she was annoyed with me or at least acted like she was. But right before going upstairs, she came over and gave me a big hug, cuddled for a minute, and then asked me to come and put her to bed. I was very proud of myself for giving her choices, setting a limit, and then holding space when her big emotions showed up on the scene.

This mom is beautifully demonstrating how to maintain boundaries while still holding space. She validated her daughter’s feelings, gave her space to process. Okay, now that I’ve shared the eight steps with you, and I’ve showed you some real life experiences, let’s dive into how these steps can be applied in some common scenarios.

Because let’s face it, parenting throws us all curveballs every day, right? In scenario number one, imagine your child didn’t get the part they wanted in the school play, and they’re devastated, really upset, sad, brokenhearted. Here’s how you might apply the eight steps. Step one, listen attentively, put everything aside and give your child your full attention as they express their disappointment.

And maybe even using words that are triggering for you. Like I hate that stupid play and I can’t believe I didn’t get the part. It’s so stupid. Number two, accept emotions, allow them to feel sad or angry without trying to cheer them up. Number nonjudgmental presence, resist the urge to say things like You’ll get it next time.

It’s just a play. Your part is really good. Don’t worry about it. Be patient. Give them time to process their feelings. Don’t rush them through their emotions. Step five, offer comfort. Maybe a hug or simply sitting close by if they’re not ready for physical touch. Maybe you’re driving home and you just want to send out loving energy from your body to theirs during the quiet drive home.

Resist the urge to fix is step six. Don’t immediately start brainstorming other activities they can do instead. Number seven, validate their experience. You might say, I can totally understand why you’re so disappointed. You wanted that part. Number eight, maintain boundaries. While being supportive, maintain any existing rules about respectful behavior.

If their disappointment turns into anger and their anger turns into inappropriate actions. Remember, we’re always allowed to feel whatever feelings we have and we’re responsible for the actions that result from our feelings. The goal isn’t to make the disappointment go away in this scenario, but to help your child feel supported as they navigate through it.

I feel like I need to say that again. The goal is not to make the disappointment, the anger, the hurt, the frustration to go away, but to help your child feel supported as they navigate through the big negative emotions. Yeah, okay. Let’s look at another scenario. Let’s look at handling anger and frustration.

We’ve all been there. Your child is trying to complete a task like a puzzle or homework assignment or practicing putting or shooting free throws or making necklaces or baked goods and they’re getting increasingly frustrated with how it’s going. Here’s how you might hold space. Step one, listen actively.

Stop what you’re doing and give your child your full attention. Do we see a pattern here on that step one? So often we’re phoning it in and doing something else while pretending to give our kids our attention. Step two, accept emotions, allow them to express their frustration without immediately trying to calm them down.

Step three, provide a nonjudgmental presence. Avoid saying things like you’re overreacting. It’s not that hard. Figure it out. You’ve got this. Step four, be patient. Give them time to work through their frustration. Step five, offer comfort. You might say, I’m here if you need me, or offer a supportive touch.

Step six, resist the urge to fix. Don’t jump in and solve the puzzle for them, or do the homework for them, or tell them the next step. Let them figure it out themselves. Step seven, validate the experience. I can see this is really frustrating for you. It’s okay to feel upset when things are difficult. And then step eight, maintain boundaries.

If their frustration leads to destructive behavior, calmly reinforce the rules about treating objects and people with respect. We’re on a roll now, so I want to give you one more scenario. Scenario three is supporting a teenager through social challenges. Ah, those teenage years, right? Your 15 year old comes home upset about a drama with their friends.

I mean, I know this one for sure. Here’s how you can hold space with the eight steps. Step one is not going to surprise you. Put down your phone, turn off the TV, and give your teenager your undivided attention. Now maybe you need to do this while taking a walk or making dinner. because they’re often able to open up easier when we’re alongside them rather than directly in front of them.

Step two, accept emotions, allow them to express their hurt, their anger, their confusion without judgment. Step three, provide a nonjudgmental presence, resist the urge to criticize their friends or offer unsolicited advice. That’s a really important step. Step four, be patient. Teens often need time to open up.

Don’t push too hard if they’re not ready to talk. Step five, offer comfort. This might be trickier with teens, but even when saying, I’m here for you, can mean a lot to them. They want to know they’re not alone and that they’re going to be okay. Step six, resist the urge to fix. Don’t immediately try to solve their social problems.

parents involved. Don’t try to wrestle an invitation to something to them or suggest that they organize their own party to counteract the one they weren’t invited to. Remember, we’re just holding space at this point. Step seven, validate their experience. Wow. High school friendships can be really complicated.

It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot right now. And then step eight, maintain boundaries. While being supportive, maintain rules about respectful communication, even when they’re upset. Now, at this point, you might be thinking, Lisa, this sounds great, but it’s not always easy to stay calm and hold space when my kid is having a meltdown or pushing my buttons.

And you’re absolutely right. It’s not easy. I’m not perfect about this all the time myself, but what I will tell you, having done this myself for many, many, many years, remember I have a 20 year old and having worked with thousands of families around the world, what I can tell you is that holding space is so, so, so worth it.

Let me share a personal story. Just the other day Malcolm was having A tough time figuring out how and when he was going to get into his new dorm for the school year. Communication was low and time was running out. He was frustrated and really angry about the details coming his way. And I could feel my own frustration rising.

I wanted to just take over and do it for him. I wanted to make the phone calls and get this thing handled. But I took a deep breath and I reminded myself of these steps. I reminded myself of how when I hold space, We feel more connected. He builds his resiliency. He problem solves and he works through.

His problems on his own so I simply sat with him and I said this seems really challenging. I’m here for you Let me know if you need me and then I just took some deep breaths put my hand on my heart and just Reminded myself that in this moment. My only job was to hold space for him It wasn’t easy and it took longer to solve than if I had just done it myself But the pride on his face when he figured it out was priceless and more importantly You He learned that he can work through difficult emotions and challenges and solve his own problems and be resilient.

The truth is, holding space can be challenging for all of us. We often have the urge to fix, correct, and redirect. And it is uncomfortable to let our kids be with their big emotions. But here’s what I want you to remember. The calmest person in the room is the most powerful. When our central nervous system is regulated and grounded, we think clear, we feel deeper, and we feel stronger.

And we radiate a deep sense of power. We’re also able to help and support and hold space in a much more profound way. So how do we stay calm in these challenging moments? Well, this is where self care comes in. And no, I’m not talking about bubble baths.

I’m talking about practical techniques you can use in the heat of the moment, just like I used in the example with Malcolm that I mentioned above. They include things like deep breathing. Take a few deep breaths. I know it sounds simple, but it’s incredibly effective at calming your nervous system.

Ground yourself in the present moment. Notice your feet on the floor. Pick out the sounds around you. Find four things that you can identify with your eyes. ground yourself in the present moment. And if you need to take a parental timeout, it’s okay to say I need a moment to calm down. Let me step away for a second.

This not only helps you regulate, but models emotional regulation and emotional intelligence for your child. Because remember, you can’t pour for an empty cup. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary to be the parent your child needs. Now let’s talk about the long term benefits of mastering these eight steps.

When we consistently hold space for our kids, we build trust and strengthen our relationship. Our kids learn that they can come to us with anything. We help develop their emotional intelligence. They learn to recognize, understand, and manage their emotions. They learn that you’re comfortable around their emotions and they learn to get comfortable around them.

They learn that their emotions are safe and that they’re safe while having big emotions and they’re not in a hurry to rush on acting on those emotions. When we hold space over time, we also foster resilience and problem solving skills by not rushing to fix everything. We give our kids space to develop their own solutions.

I mean, that’s a pretty powerful list. Yeah. Think about the impact this could have. Not just on your day to day interactions, but on your child’s future relationships and emotional wellbeing. So good, right? All right, it’s homework time. Don’t groan. I promise this is good stuff. This week, I want you to notice and practice one step each day.

Start with step one. Really focus on listening attentively. The next day, move on to step two and so on. Keep a journal of your experiences. What felt easy? What was challenging? How did your child respond? I will close with reminding you that our official motto here at Real World Peaceful Parenting is progress over perfection.

You don’t have to, nor are you probably going to do this perfectly right out of the gate. Newsflash. In a moment of true honesty, none of us do it right all the time. Nobody holds space 100 percent perfectly each and every time. Nobody, not even myself. But every time you make an effort to hold space, you are strengthening your connection with your child.

Now if you’re loving this concept and want to dive in deeper and have hands on support, then I want to invite you to join us inside The Hive so you can have Success stories, just like the two mom stories I shared earlier in the episode. In The Hive, we go beyond the basics and really dig into how to apply these principles in your unique family situation.

Because every family is unique. And this is where I walk you through, step by step, consider it like a magic wand. in how to hold space for your kids, how to learn to stay regulated, how to help them experience their big emotions, and how to get maximum cooperation from them. You can learn more and join by going over to The Hive Coaching, all together, no spaces, thehivecoaching.

com. So let’s recap. We’ve covered the eight steps to holding space, seen real life examples of how they work, and talked about how to apply them in common scenarios. We’ve also addressed the challenges and the importance of self care in this journey. Remember, holding space is about creating a safe emotional environment for our kids.

It’s about listening, accepting, validating, and being present. It’s not always easy, but it’s incredibly powerful. And now you know exactly how to do it. So thank you, thank you, thank you for joining me today. And your children thank you for learning how to hold space, for making a commitment to do that for them.

And I hope this episode today has really inspired you to learn, practice, and dig in to holding space for your kids. It’s so worth it. I promise. Okay. Until next time, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit ThePeacefulParent.com. See you soon.