Ep #194: Flipping the Script: Real Parenting Questions with Lisa Smith

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach, Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I know I say this every week. But I am super excited to be with you here today. We are going to do something new and different. So hang in with me for a second and be sure to let me know if you like this format. Uh, you can reach out to us at support at the peaceful parent.com or send me a DM on Instagram at the space, peaceful space parent.

So today I am joined by an extra special guest. Today, Neil is joining me. Neil is a Hive member. He is a parent who has had a massive transformation in his own parenting. He is the father of two adorable little guys and a husband and an entrepreneur.

He and his wife own several businesses together. Neil also is the primary caregiver of his boys. He stays home with them during the day while running businesses. And so we call him a, I guess we would call him a stay at home dad. And he’s also devoted to pickleball and his meditation and he’s an active, a very active and integral member of the Hive, and I’m thrilled to have gotten the opportunity to know him.

We’re also. Both fellow basketball fans. So we have that in common, although we don’t root for the same team. So Neil, I’ve invited Neil today. We sort of cook this up together if you will, and I am going to hand over the microphone to Neil, the host duties for today and Neil has taken on the task of interviewing me.

And he’s compiled a list of questions from his fellow hive members of things that he anticipates you might want to know or ask me. So with no further ado, I’m going to welcome Neil and hand over the hosting responsibilities to him for the day. Thank you, Lisa. I’m really excited to be here. I’m honored that you would allow me to do this.

You know, I’m going to talk about the theme of trust before I get into these questions and for you to trust me like this. To flip the script, uh, it’s an honor. I really appreciate it. And it just shows how much you believe in Hive members and how much, uh, you believe in our relationship and I’m excited to be here.

Outstanding. Yes. Yes. To all of that. That feels good. Awesome. Awesome. So I wanted to give a brief introduction. So this podcast, uh, Lisa had dubbed it, ask me anything. And I ask a lot of questions, my whole life. You know, I’ve asked questions in my religious community after every sermon, uh, there’s an opportunity for the congregation to ask questions and I usually always raise my hand.

And so it’s been no different in the hive, but I will say it’s been a journey. Coaching can be uncomfortable. Uh, we’re asking someone to help us with things that we aren’t comfortable with in ourselves and our families. Uh, we let our guard down and basically say, can you help me fix my shiz? It involves trust.

So I’ve recommended the hive to the people in my life like candy. And I noticed that the people whom I’ve told about the few people I’ve told about, they haven’t joined quite yet. So at first I felt disappointed. She likened, it’s kind of like telling someone that they would really benefit from going to the gym.

Uh, you know that going to the gym is good, but it takes energy to make the change and also to consistently do it. Change happens gradually over time and real change happens when you’re ready for it. And when you’ve built up enough trust to do something about it, Renee Brown compares trust to a marble jar where little acts done by someone for you are like little marbles that fill up a jar.

And gradually when that marble jar fills up to capacity, that is what trust is. Uh, it’s built up over time, and the coaching relationship is no different. When we take the step to be vulnerable, uh, to really think about what are we weak in, what are the things that bother us, what are the things we need help with, it takes courage to do that.

And also just a willingness, you know, to, and then perhaps also an excitement, uh, to, to embrace change. And so, I myself started my journey into peaceful parenting. Uh, when I saw the change in my sister in law, uh, who was part of the hive, uh, she went from yelling at her kids, uh, getting stressed out often to gradually over time.

I, when I would visit her every few months, uh, I noticed physically a distinct change in her. Uh, she had gone from yelling to really calmly communicating with their kids and working with them to uncover their feelings, uh, in order to just on a daily basis, you know, get through each other, the parenting.

Needs and challenges, uh, in her life. And so, uh, for me, I started listening to the podcast. Um, I probably listened for, you know, a few months and then, you know, I said to my wife, you know, Carrie, I don’t think, you know, I really liked this podcast. I know our sister in law is part of it. I’m thinking about joining, you know, what do you think?

You know, it’s going to be a very nominal monthly charge. And I think this could be good for us. Like what better thing could I do? You know, as a dad, then to be a good father and to really parent them in a way that, um, sets them up for success. And she said, yeah, sure. You know, go ahead and do it. That’d be great.

Uh, and I did. And I think throughout the evolution of our relationship, uh, I’ve always admired how in every circumstance where I have, uh, some uneasiness, some discomfort about, well, you know, can I really ask you about this? Or are you okay with me asking regular questions? I’m asking too many questions or, um, you know, even the types of questions, like I’ve noticed that sometimes the questions aren’t really even about the Um, your children, I think one thing that literally as a peaceful parent, one of the, uh, the foundation of it is ourselves being peaceful.

And so, um, I’ve asked Lisa about, uh, how to be peaceful with my neighbor, uh, who tried to convert, um, claim adverse possession to take our land. Um, I’ve asked her about things in the past I’ve dealt with and. I can say, honestly, it’s helped me to be a more calm, calmer person. And I want to say this because I think it’s essential, is that if your kids want to change one iota, the benefit of peaceful parenting, I would say the greatest benefit is to yourself.

If you think about dominant and permissive parenting, Uh, styles. It’s exhausting. Uh, in dominant pairing, you’re exerting so much energy to yell, to punish, to control your child’s behavior. And in permissive parenting, your children are basically controlling your life. So peaceful parenting gives you the tools to calmly work with your kid, to build connection and achieve that cooperation.

Many people in my life, my mom, people in my temple community, Have told me the tremendous transformation, uh, that’s taking place and it’s really exciting things that I’ve struggled with for decades. Just the tools that we learned in the hive, the ability to talk to people about things that are so deep.

And I think that it’s really cool working with, uh, with you to just the practical techniques, the humor, the range of topics we discuss. Um, it’s been great. Um, and it’s been great for me as an at home dad that I had the privilege to dial in. To ask questions regularly on a weekly basis. And it’s something I look forward to, uh, every week.

So with that said, uh, my purpose behind participating and being enthusiastic for this podcast, this is my, my homage to, to Lisa that I’ve developed a set of questions that I’ve kind of like been making a note of, but I can’t have been too hesitant to ask Lisa because thinking like, these are kind of like a little out there.

I don’t know if like, She really appreciate, you know, that I’m asking them, you know, during this cooking calls and Lisa has kindly said, let’s do it fire away. And so, uh, with that, I’m removing all my inhibitions and I’m just asking the ask me anything questions. And I want to invite the, for those who are listening to the podcast, who are interested in coaching, and also those who are current Hive members, who maybe are hesitant to ask questions, to open themselves up.

I trust Lisa, and I hope that, uh, you do too, and listening to the podcast and also, uh, looking for peaceful parenting coaching. Thank you. I would like to add that I believe. That inside the hive, we create a community where people do feel welcome to ask what they need to ask. That it’s a community of support.

There’s no judgment. I mean, this is really the mission, a place to come where you don’t feel alone, where, you know, you’re not alone, where, you know, you’re not broken. You may need some support and tools, a place to come where you feel that support and anything’s fair game. And, you know, I’m really proud of the community.

I’m proud that I get to lead it. I’m honored. I’m humbled by the work I get to do. And it brings me so much joy to serve the people through this podcast, but also serve the people that are ready to go a layer deeper inside the hive. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. I appreciate that. Um, you’re saying that Lisa, I think, um, you know, I’ve connected with different people in the community and it’s great to just have another parent that you can talk to about these things that a lot of times we don’t, we don’t talk about, you know, we, we just kind of assume that, you know, there’s no book for parenting and that you just kind of wing it.

And it’s great to just, It’s such an important topic our kids to have a community to have coaching to help you do better. And once you do know better, you do better. Yeah. Okay. Bring it. Let’s jump in. All right. So I’ve organized these questions into several different topics. Maybe this is kind of like jeopardy, but, uh, raising your kid, uh, theoretical questions, questions specifically about Lisa and then edgy controversial questions.

So I’m going to take a sampling from each and there’s, we’re going to keep cycling through it. Uh, as long as we have time on this podcast. All right. So with that, I’m jumping right in. So this is from raising our kid. Uh, is there a peaceful financial parent set of principles that I can cultivate? Uh, how would I get coaching on this or learn to see my blind spots?

What are the financial lessons I need to be building in my kids? Great question, Neil. And, you know, I, I think the answer is really looking at the parent’s relationship with money. Cause I think it all starts. With evaluating, how do I feel about money? Does money scare me? Am I in a place of lack around money?

And I’m not talking about what your bank account says, right? It’s deeper than that. It’s the philosophy of money. Do I feel an abundance for money and things? What principles would I like my kids to learn? Is it important to me that they are savers? Some families say yes, some say no, right? Is it important to me that my kids work for things?

And it’s, so I, I would always bring parents back to what is your core philosophy about running your life, about things you want, about money. In it from a nonjudgmental place. I don’t think that people who spend the money they make are worth more or less than the people who save money. I don’t think that people who are uber savers are worth or have a higher value.

And so it’s really getting clear on. What are my values around money and things and how the money comes in and where the money goes when it comes in? And then how do I want to model those lessons? It’s probably a word we’ll use a lot model those lessons for my children. So, for example, if I’m wanting my children to save.

But I’m consuming all the money that comes in, then I need to have a look at that differential and make peace with that, right? We say frustration is when there’s a gap between expectation and reality. So if the reality is I want my kids to be savers, maybe because I never was, and I’m a consumer, then I might be frustrated that my kids aren’t saving their money.

But what have I modeled at home? Yeah, that’s fascinating. I thought you were going to say like, Oh, read Susie Orman or Dave Ramsey. Um, and, uh, I love that you touched, um, from a very individual level about what are our thoughts about money and, and what it means to pass that on to our kids. So, uh, thank you.

I appreciate that. You know, I have to say this. I work with coaches sometimes that are just starting out building their own coaching practice. And one of the first exercises that we do is we get clear about the messages we got as kids about money, about how we feel about money, you know, about how we feel about taking people’s money.

And there’s a lot of processing. behind the scenes we received growing up and we continue to receive in the current state a lot of messages about money and we’re processing those and making conclusions and you know this could go for any number of topics right this is sort of how the brain works so really understanding that And doing an image.

I’m always a fan of doing an inventory first. Where do I stand on this before I go to my Children and attempt to discuss or model a topic or a value? That’s awesome. Yeah. And you know, you’ve probably just spawned about 10 other questions. I’m gonna ask you in the hive, but I’m really glad that, you know, I asked you that because it’s something that’s been on in my mind.

I’m gonna flip to the next question. What’s the difference between peaceful and gentle parenting? How do you feel about other parenting styles? Is there a hierarchy of some being better than others? You’ve talked about dominant, even in one coaching class I heard you say that, you know, if you had to choose between dominant and permissive, you’d choose dominant every time.

And, um, you talked about the effect that has on a kid. So that said, you know, we podcast about peaceful parenting. What are your thoughts about these other parenting styles and, and, um, yeah, well, you know, I love that we call the podcast real world, peaceful parenting, because I feel like what I really aim to do is give practical tips that are easy and we can put to use today at the end of listening to the 20 or 30 minute episode.

I consider peaceful parenting. To be setting limits for our children with kindness and empathy, but enforcing the limits that are set. I also consider peaceful parenting to value the relationship over the behavior and to really understand feelings and needs. So that’s my middle point. I define it as You know, dominant parenting and you alluded to it earlier, Neil dominant parenting is when we’re using our power to come over and control our Children.

So that’s a key word. Their control permissive parenting is when we allow our Children, whether it’s conscious or unconscious. We allow our Children to use their power and our fears. To come over and control us. And as you eloquently said in the introduction, both of those are exhausting. I think we could call this peaceful parenting and also be called conscious parenting.

It can be called gentle parenting. Uh, I know there’s some other adjectives used. So I see some people. Use gentle parenting to mean permissive parenting, some coaches, some advertisers, some influencers. And I don’t like when they do that because Again, if the definition is you’re a peaceful parenting, gentle parenting is you’re using power to come alongside your child.

So you’re the leader. You’re the peaceful leader of the household. You’re setting the tone. You’re setting the limits. You’re setting the rules. You’re deciding what we’re going to spend our weekends doing. You’re, you are in charge. Because you have the fully developed brain and you’re using all of that knowledge and values and information and decisions to come alongside your child and guide them, not control them.

So if one is in that lane, let’s call it a lane. If you’re in that lane with me, then I don’t care what you call it. What I don’t like is when people use gentle parenting to decide someone’s in a different lane. I, I, I don’t agree with that. And I call it peaceful parenting for the reason that the goal is some of you might chuckle at this.

I don’t call it peaceful kids. I call it peaceful parenting because the goal here is to regulate ourselves and work on ourselves so that we can model what we want from our kids for our kids. And so I intentionally call this peaceful parenting. I intentionally don’t call it conscious or gentle parenting because I’m always working to help you, the listener, be peaceful with your kids and yourself, which is really regulated.

Even when they messed up, made a mistake, done something wrong, hit their brother, yelled, stormed. Because what I know now, having a 20 year old, is the more I modeled that for him, the more he learned it. Sure. Now, my comments, about if you had to choose between dominant or permissive comes from this. What I believe and what I know from research of biology and neuroscience and psychology and parenting at the institute I studied at and, and data coming out now is this rules, rules, not threats and punishments, but rules.

help kids feel safe, loved and know what is expected of them. A child feels secure in an environment where they know it’s expected. So when there are no rules, which is the backbone of permissive parenting, anything goes, there are no rules. Kids grow up feeling insecure and unsafe. I’ve yet to meet an adult who is permissively parented, real true permissive parenting that is roaming the earth in a safe, secure way.

It just, it rarely happens without a ton of work and therapy and reparenting and healing childhood once the same can also be true for dominant parenting. And I guess, you know, I’m certainly not advocating. Let’s be crystal clear here. I’m in no way advocating dominant parenting, but sometimes with dominant parenting and the best, you know, rules are set.

The kid knows what to do. The kid knows the response the parent is going to get. If I had to choose one over the other at the gold medal, if we have to say the ranking would be for peaceful parenting, the silver would go to gentle, dominant parenting. The, Ron’s would go to permissive parenting and the scratch didn’t even place would go to abrasive, over the top, painful, harmful, abusive, dominant parenting.

That’s how I would rank it. Yeah. And that’s helpful. You know, I, I think I want to echo that, that I had an experience where I stayed as a house guest at a family member’s house. And I didn’t know that we weren’t supposed to use the, uh, the laundry machine. And I just popped a couple of clothes in there.

And that was like one of the house rules. And no one told me that. And it just really made me scared about my time there because I didn’t know, like what was okay. And what was that? And I could just see that growing up in a world where you didn’t know what was okay. And what wasn’t at any moment, someone could come down at you and say like, what are you doing?

Like that would be much more scarier than. You know, somebody shouting in my face telling me not that it’s good, but at least I know what to do and what not to do. Exactly. Yeah. And you know, there’s all different ranges of each of these lanes, right? I guess the takeaway I would want the listener to hear from all of that is really when, you know, rules help kids feel loved, know what is expected and safe.

Yeah, and secure connected, you know, and that’s what I’m all about is strip away all the adjectives or descriptors, right? And, you know, if someone asked me what is the underpinning of all of your work, it’s that all behavior communicates a need and we want to always be trying to figure out the need, right?

That’s 1. and then the other is, you know, Rules help kids feel safe, loved and known as expected. By the way, adults operate this way as well. When you’re in a relationship with a partner or a job and you have a boss or a friend, right? I mean, we want to know the rules. Is it okay to drop in? Is it not okay?

Right? I mean, take this, let’s say you and I are friends and I drop in and you have a rule that That is foreboding that damages our friendship when you just drop in on me for a cup of coffee, but you don’t communicate that to me. I don’t know the rules of engagement in our friendship. If we know them, if I somehow figure out, or you tell me, hey, I don’t do drop ins.

You know, just send me a text 10 minutes before you come over. Let’s say we live in the same neighborhood and I walk over and knock on the door to say, Hey, can our kids play together? And it bothers you deeply. Right. And you say, Hey, you know, it’d be great for me. If I don’t function well under these circumstances, it’d be great for me.

If you shot me a text. And gave me a chance to reply because maybe the baby’s sleeping or I’m deep in something. Or once you knock on the door and the boys hear me or hear you, then I have to let you in. And maybe I have something else planned. Instead of a drop in, could we set a rule that we’re going to text each other before we drop in?

That’s how to manage a healthy relationship because now I know what’s expected, rather than you living silently in the frustration and resentment and telling your wife, well, that Lisa, she just feels like she can just drop it on me whenever she wants, but I don’t know the rules. I don’t know how to help our relationship be and stay successful.

Yeah. Yeah, totally. And, and, you know, you hit upon something that, you know, I think it’s important for listeners to hear is that. The podcast is called peaceful parenting. Yes, it is about us becoming better parents and ultimately bettering the lives of our kids. Um, but I would also say, as you mentioned many times that, um, the tools we learn aren’t just for, for parents and kids, like it has made such an impact, like I mentioned to you, like in terms of our relationship with my temple community, um, with dealing with my own passive aggressive behaviors, you know, seeing my blind spots and coming to realization about how that’s affecting other people that.

You know, I would honestly say that even if you don’t have kids, this is an excellent place to work on, you know, your own, you know, upbringing and your own relationship with people, because, um, it’s so relevant to things that we talk about and how it affects our lives. I think about the hive. We actually have had a couple of people in the hive that don’t have kids that just were referred by someone else and wanted to come in and, and learn.

Recently, someone who works on my team doesn’t have children and has been involved in the production of the podcast and has commented that hearing the podcast has been helpful in his relationship with his wife. So I agree with you. And I would put a bow on this topic in this way. And I always think about like a big roundabout, like in Italy and Rome, you know, there’s those eight, eight lane roundabouts.

And this is overall the beauty of coaching. Is that when you get in the roundabout, whether you come in through the lane of executive work coaching or life coaching, or, you know, health coaching or parent coaching, or there’s coaches now for women and men and, and relationships, relationship coaches, and there’s ADHD coaches.

And I’m just a big fan overall of the coaching world, because what I know for sure is that if you’re working with a good coach or a great coach, And you enter that roundabout and you keep circling around coaching is the rising tide that lifts all boats in your life. Right? And this is what I think you’re saying, Neil, and I love it because I do feel that in the hive when we’re working on our kids.

Our relationship gets better when we’re working on staying regulated at home. We bring that to work when we’re working on healing our childhood wounds. Suddenly we relate to our parents better. You even said your relationship with your mother has gotten better. So I do just believe that when you’re with a good coach consistently and in a supportive community, it is the rising tide that lifts all boats in your life.

I agree with that. That’s fine. That’s fine. Excellent. All right. Give it to me. Give me the next topic. All right. Uh, this is a Lisa question. Uh, where do you draw your inspiration from in your coaching? Uh, in the hive, you mentioned, uh, a lot of books, also on the podcast, you referenced a lot of books and authors talk about Carol Dweck, Victor Frankel, Byron Katie, Brené Brown, Oprah, Jai Parenting Institutions, other specific books or authors that are on You’re reading list.

Uh, can you share them? What are your top five books of all time? I really put a lot into this question. Do you have a boy boy? Well, let’s let’s yeah, I don’t know if I’d have to, maybe we can do part two. Cause I, I will tell you a couple of books had been incredibly influential. The first one I’d have to give a nod to my first, if you will, my very, very, very first personal development coach mentor in my life was Franklin Covey.

I read the seven habits of highly effective people when it first launched. I’ve read it probably 25 times since then it sits on my bookshelf, my original copy, and I’ve given out tons of copies. Of it. And I, I’m a big fan of Mr. Covey’s who’s since passed away. God rest his soul. Some of those foundational principles.

And the biggest one was seek to understand before being understood. Right. And that left a really strong impression. And I would say started me down the path of, wait a minute, things aren’t always as I perceive them. I don’t have to believe every thought I have. Right. Another book that I read every January religiously.

It’s the big leap by Gay Hendricks, another phenomenal book about zone of genius, zone of excellence, zone of competence, zone of incompetence. Again, a concept that can be applied To our parenting, to my work life, you know, I run this business in addition to being a coach, I’m the CEO. And it was really, again, like one of those moments where it took my breath away to stop, to not judge myself at the things I’m not good at, but really look at my skills and talents in buckets.

Right. And to understand my zone of genius, do more of that and less of my zone of incompetence, even in my parenting. You know, my husband and I divide up what we’re good at. Uh, and we focus on what we’re good at with Malcolm and the things we aren’t good at, we pass off to the other person or bring in a resource.

My husband is much better at helping Malcolm with things like homework and his major and, and thinking about internships and, and kind of guiding where Malcolm wants to get to educationally. And I am so much better at the, Well, how did that make you feel? What do you need? How can we support you? So we, we stay in our own lanes and we don’t cross over.

I was just with a, with a couple this morning and, and they, they tend to, we were talking about this, and they tend to, You know, get in each other’s way, let’s say so that the dad’s in the kitchen making dinner and the mom’s in the bathroom helping the son get a bath and then the sun starts to have a meltdown and the husband abandons the dinner and comes to help.

Even when it’s not needed, and then all of a sudden, there’s a, you know, an explosion because when a storming parent meets another storming parent, and then add in a child, and then all of a sudden dinner’s not getting made and we’re all in the bathroom storming together. And I said to them, well, what if you just stayed in your lane unless the other parent asks you to come in and help?

And it was like, wow, that’s a new concept. So another, you know, I really love the big leap. Um, I love all of Dan Siegel’s work, big fan Dan Siegel, uh, influencers right now are going to kind of make you chuckle. You know, Tom Brady’s a big influence when he had his podcast. He is not doing it at the moment, but when he had let’s go with Jim Gray for many years, I learned a lot about how the competitive athletes mind works.

I’m, I’m a big fan of, of hearing a lot of counterpoints to how I think. Because I’m, I’m evolved enough to realize that there’s lots of different thoughts and processes and ways of doing things in the world that makes sense. My way is not the only way. So I like to hear how, how does a, you know, successful seven times super bowl champion world class athlete think about his life versus how I think about my life.

So I’m into, I’m, I’m a big fan of Dan Harris. right now. He has a podcast called 10 percent Happier. I’m a big fan of listening to. He does a lot of work on meditation and a lot of thought work. Uh, Martha Beck, I did life coach training with Martha back and I think she has been a big inspiration. in my life.

She taught me a lot about the difference between pain and suffering. You know, pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. And she was a big influence, uh, two more that I’ll, I’ll, uh, in addition to all the people, you said, tick not Han, you know, another, a Buddhist. Monk who’s passed, but his work is absolutely amazing.

His peaceful approach to the world is one that, you know, if I could be 0. 005 percent of the peaceful human, he was that I’m doing well. So he’s a big influence. I have to give a nod to Brooke Castillo from the life coach school. She’s been a big influence on my thinking and introduced me to thought work.

And then two more Byron Katie. I mean, a big influence on me, Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle. Okay. That’s wonderful. I hope, uh, you know, Obama, president Obama, I think he, he produced like a, a list of all the books like he read every year. And I think some of the celebrities do that. So I hope, you know, maybe at some point you do that for us, or you do a book of the month club or something, because I definitely hear it in your coaching and it’s really turned a lot of heads around, you know, especially that zone of genius.

I remember one mom just. You know, she had one question and you talked about, well, what if you thought about this way and it really, uh, little light bulb, you know, in her mind and heart. Yeah, I’m a, I’m a, I’m a personal development junkie and, um, I’m, I’m constantly listening, reading, learning, consuming. I don’t believe everything I hear and I don’t buy into everything I read.

Things have to really make sense to me. But I do love examining a lot of different perspectives. And, you know, I do want to say Victor Frankel, you know, for me, he’s the epicenter of the work. I teach the idea of pause and respond rather than react. And his story is so incredibly compelling. You know, he has so much credibility to me, for me, with me, in that he idealized this concept.

In the worst conditions you can imagine, right? Yeah, definitely. That’s great. That’s wonderful. Yeah, I’ll definitely check out, uh, those authors and those books. All right. My next question, uh, should I have another baby? Yes or no? I’m just kidding. Uh, but what do you think about that? We, uh, my wife and I were actually, we’re, we’re like continuously on the fence about this.

And it’s kind of nerve wracking because we’re just always on a fence, which ends up being no. But, um, if, you know, a parent were to come to you and say, you know, ask this question, what were the factors that you would consider? Because I feel like there’s like a A higher brain, like, do we have enough money?

Do we have enough care? How are we doing, you know, in our lives? Do we have enough energy? But then you also hear couples who like find out by surprise, like, oh, geez, we’re having another baby or, you know, um, parents who got eight or nine kids and, you know, they’ve got a, uh, you know, a low income job and somehow they’re making it work.

So I’m curious what your thoughts are on this question. Well, I would answer this question, the way I would answer any important questions. Anytime someone asks me a question like this, should I do this or that? Whether it’s leave a marriage, enter a marriage, uh, co mingle, you blend families, have another baby, make a move cross country.

As you know, I teach a process of just liking your reasons. There’s no right or wrong decision whether Neil and Carrie should have another baby. There’s not. There’s What are our reasons? Right? So as you know, I would have you take out a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle. And, and I would even have, and this, this is interesting.

I would have you and Carrie do this exercise independently. So she could write out all of her reasons. To have another baby or try for one. And you would write out all of your reasons to try for a baby. And then you would write out all your reasons not to try. And in this case, I would even add in a third category of what are all reasons to just see what happens, which is really trying, just not aggressively try.

And then I would have you and Gary get together and exchange, you know, share your ideas. Here’s why I think we should. She would share her reasons why, and then you would maybe compile a master list of reasons we would and reasons we wouldn’t. And then you would look at those, and the exercise is really, which do I like my reasons more than the other?

Right. And I, I, I really, I learned this, this changed my life. I got to say this when I learned this approach, when I learned to move away from right and wrong answers, right? And wrong decisions, right? Is it the right decision to have a baby or the wrong decision? That is so that is such polarizing, stressful language because there is no right and wrong answer.

Yeah, there’s no crystal ball. There’s no time machine, right? In order to say that you should or shouldn’t. We would need you to have a baby, go all the way to the end of your life, get in the time machine, go back and not have a baby and then examine the two lives. And best I know, that is not possible.

Therefore, it’s not right and wrong. This is the free will that we are afforded as human beings. It takes away right and wrong. What are the reasons, you know, insert all of you listeners, whatever you’re grappling with, right? Have my mother move in with us, sever ties in a relationship, change jobs, go back to work because the youngest child is in first grade.

These are all the things we talk hive, right? So it’s always back to a process of What are my reasons for what are my reasons not to, and then you, you noodle on it, you look at him, you talk about it, you examine it, you say, okay, if I have no new information here, no new information, and these are my reasons to and not to, which 1 do we like?

1 percent more than the other, at least, right? And then you decide formally and you go for it or, or don’t go for it. And that’s it. And until new information, the other thing I love about this is this process also helps you feel secure because it’s not that it’s right or wrong or someone, you know, let’s say you say it’s the right decision to have a baby.

And then you’re talking with someone about it. Hey, you know, Carrie and I are thinking of having a baby. What? That’s the wrong decision. Then you’re like, you’re, you’re dysregulated in your brain. Right? So the other thing I like about this is you stay with it. And less new information comes in. Unless new information comes in and when new information comes in, it might shuffle the deck a little bit.

Right. Right. Yeah. I shuffled the deck. So let’s say that, that a mom is deciding or dad, should I go back to work? Now that the littlest kid, I stayed home for years. The littlest kid is in first grade and you know, I’m going to go back to work. And then all of a sudden new information comes in. Okay. That maybe, you know, a kid is struggling or, or the other parent gets a raise where the incomes doubled, or it turns out the new information is that the working full time at a job is.

Not what’s best for the family because it’s really more of a job than I anticipated. It has more responsibility and we’re all suffering at home for me to have this job. That’s new information. The shuffles the deck. So now all of a sudden I like my reasons for staying home or looking for a part time job.

I’ve got new information. That’s my answer. I appreciate it. Uh, I thought you would say yes, because that would, um, add, that’d be like business development for peaceful parenting coaching and just extend the years. But I appreciate that. Yeah. Well, but that, I mean, I know you’re joking, but I will say that, you know, telling people what to do is not coaching, right?

My job is to hold space, show you your blind spots and teach you tools to manage your life. Yeah. It’s teaching someone to fish, not giving them a fish. So if I say yes or no, first of all, what do I know? But also what I like about how I coach is that I’m giving you a process of decision making that is illustrated through this question that you then can use in all areas of your life and feel confident, secure in your process of decision making.

Yeah. I love that. Uh, I think it gets people out of perseverating to actually Being able to make a thoughtful choice. I agree. I use it daily. You know, we got invited last weekend to go away with another couple. And you know, the answer wasn’t obvious and immediate to Dave and I, we sat down and we said, Why would we go?

I mean, it’s not a long process. Why would we go? And why would we not go? What are the reasons? And we looked at the list and we were like, we should definitely not go. We’ve got a lot of travel coming up. We have to find someone to watch the dog. Dave is in the middle of starting a new company. I have a lot of events coming up.

Um, we can see this couple here locally. It’s a long drive. It just became really obvious to us. The reasons to go were like three and the reasons not to go were like 14 and they were good solid reasons not to go. That’s awesome. Um, speaking of pets, so my next question, uh, I heard you, you were also attending to your dog who was making some background noises.

My mother in law got a dog and it’s, um, you know, we also have a dog. So question is, does peaceful parenting translate to pets? Uh, some owners hit and shame their dogs. What are your thoughts on how peaceful parenting may or may not apply to pets? I think it applies a thousand percent to pets. And I use every tool, every parenting tool with my dog.

I let him know what’s expected. I understand every behavior communicates a need. I set rules and boundaries. I don’t threaten him. I don’t punish him. He was working and this is what Neil’s referring to. I had my door open to my office and he was barking and I know that noise picks up. And so he’s trained that when I bring him into my office and shut the door, he does not bark when he’s out in the living room.

He barks. Some people walk by. We have a lot, we live in a kind of a pretty, an area where a lot of people are walking by during the day. And so it’s a matter of, you know, helping him understand the rules. The rules are he comes in the bedroom, he doesn’t bark. So I just go out and get him and I enforce the rules, the limits that I’ve set in a peaceful way.

Come on, Bentley, come in the bedroom, come in the office. He comes in the office and now he’s done barking. So absolutely. Yes. I mean, it’s interesting. I’ve seen some owners, you know, they, I mean, it’s just like down and panting. They’ll use hitting. And maybe the dog learns, you know, the not to do it. But at the same time, I think it’s, it’s, it’s interesting because dogs can’t communicate.

And so it really got me thinking about how I can change my relationship with my own dog. I think dogs can communicate when they bark, when they chew, when they are destructive, you know, my dog lets me know what he needs. He has to go to the bathroom. He’s hungry. You know, he’s barking. He’s alerting people that he’s here defending me.

Yeah. So I, I do think, you know, I, I think that, um, all beings. want to feel seen, heard and valued. And when we got this puppy in the middle of COVID, I decided to take, to go to real intense puppy training with him and attempt to be a really well behaved dog. And what I quickly learned and the person that I went to Jose, he was awesome.

And we joked, he asked me one day, halfway through the training. Well, what do you do for a living? We had a break and I said, Oh, well, you know, I’m a parent coach. And he was like, well, what’s that? And I explained it and he chuckled because he said, well, what you do with parents. I do with dog owners, which is I get the dog owner to be peaceful and firm, but not really, he goes, we call it dog training, but it’s really owner training because the owner is doing the right things.

The dog follows. And so it’s very similar. It’s ironic that you asked me this question because you know, I’m not, I don’t, I don’t work with the kids. I work with the parents. in showing up and modeling the behavior they want from their kids. And it’s the same thing when you go to dog training. It is the exact same thing.

They’re training the owners to cue the pets. Interesting. Well, Lisa, you opened up a whole new dimension. I’m not only going to ask you about my kids, but I’m going to ask you about how to be, how to, how to work my, my dog too. Okay. Well, we’ll see about that. Okay. Next question. Tim Duncan is your favorite NBA player of all time.

How and why? Not MJ, Kobe, Steph Curry, lay bird or any other member of the 18 Celtics championship teams. It is true. It is a fact that Lisa Smith’s favorite NBA player of all time is the big fundamental. Okay. So tell me, I will tell you. So for those of you don’t know, I’m huge basketball fan, both college, NBA.

I am actually a devout Celtic fan. I, you know, raising that 18th banner this year just gives me goosebumps and I respect the Celtics organization. I, I could name every player on the Celtic team. I love all of them, but if you ask me my absolute favorite NBA player of all time, it is Tim Duncan. And it’s for these reasons.

First of all, he was one of the first all around complete players. He worked on every part of his game. He was not showy. He, he was committed to fundamentals, to core basics. He conducted himself on the court in a incredibly compassionate team oriented. I care about everybody on the court way. He showed, you know, pop Greg Popovich, nothing but respect.

During his entire career, he was not flashy showy. He did not need a lot of attention off the court. He did not get a lot of technicals during his career. He was not trying to intentionally get under your skin on the court. He walked on the court to play his game. He let his game speak for himself. And for that reason, he’s just, and the career, I mean, listen, If you go to his Wikipedia page and you look at Tim Duncan’s accomplishments.

They are incredible MVPs awards, all, all team NBA. And you look at the championships he won and the great success he had. And it was with a multitude of different players, right? From Sean Elliott all the way to, you know, the Tony Parker era and, and what was the constant in all of those teams? Pop and Tim.

So that says that Tim was a great player, but it also says he was, he was coachable and he was a great player in the organization because never once while he was on the Spurs, was there ever a rumor of him being traded? And that says a lot during that time. That’s interesting. And you know, one of the things that I’ve, um, humorously commented on is that how you not only know the NBA players, but also how they were parented.

And so we talked about Steph Curry, Curry, Luca Domkic. And so, um, yeah, it’s been fascinating to hear your analysis and how far you’ll look into each of these players and how it affects their game. That’s another thing in the hive that, um, it’s pretty awesome to hear about. Thank you. Yeah. I just, I really love, I don’t know a lot about his personal life, Tim Duncan, but I love his on court and I often think how you do one thing is how you do many things.

Right. So, so I look at, I look at how he inducted himself and I just, I, I’m really a fan. I’d love to have on the podcast. Okay. We’ll manifest that. All right. You mentioned in coaching that a child is most influenced by the same sex parent up to age 12. So if a parent is concerned that they’re in a non traditional parenting situation, perhaps they’re single or, you know, whatever the situation is.

Will not having a parent with the same sex as my child impact their upbringing? Well, the studies show that the same sex parent is the most influential person in a kid’s life until the age of 10. So it’s just until around the 10 ish years. And I don’t think that if you are a single parent and you are, you identify as one sex and your child is another, that, that, that means that The child is in some way, you know, limited.

I do encourage in those situations, the parent to research and understand the energy, whether it’s the masculine or the feminine energy, and just really kind of have an idea of what that looks like. You know, we do have many single parents inside the hive, some who are co parenting in different households, some that have no co parent.

And it’s really wanting to understand the energy, whether it’s, you know, if you’re a feminine energy and you have a masculine and I had child wanting to understand the energy that that child might be craving or wanting or looking for, and either bringing it yourself in some form or filling in those gaps in other ways.

with mentors and, and other influences that can fill that gap and role model that energy for the child. Yeah. Yeah. And that’s interesting because I’ve heard, I mean, I think there’s a term like this child has daddy issues or this. You know, this kid has mommy issues and like you, you hear of things impacting how that individual interacts with the other, you know, masculine feminine energy later on in life.

And so, um, I think for me as a dad of two small kids, seeing how much they love my wife. It kind of lit a light bulb in me that I didn’t realize that, you know, I had this influence on them and something that I should pay attention to. And I think it’s just interesting to kind of appreciate that. Um, And I think when you talk about issues, mommy or daddy issues, those are really, those are, those are wounds.

You know, none of us escape our childhood without a wound. Nobody, I don’t care who you are. And sometimes those wounds come from the absence of that parent in your life. But also it can come from having the parent. But, but, but either they, they weren’t present or they had their own struggles or you were adultized or you were made to be responsible for people’s feelings, or you might’ve had an emotionally immature parent growing up in the household.

And so those wounds can come up through those experiences as well. And I’m a big fan of, Working with people. We, as you know, this is work we do in the hive as needed. I think the bigger issue here is understanding our own wounds because we all have them. And when you become a parent, sometimes they were dormant for a while.

I know this is what happened to me. I thought I had dealt with all of my childhood wounds because I was living this very successful, you know, dual income, no kid life. And we call it in, in the parenting world, ghosts in the nursery. And then you have a child, you bring it home and all your ghosts come out, right?

Your wounds. And it might, and they come out sometimes. over time or slowly or sometimes they slam me in the face, right? And it’s really about understanding what your wounds might be and how they might be showing up and getting in the way by triggering you, dysregulating you, holding you back, making you resentful.

You might not have had a role model. I’ll give you a quick example. If some people who grew up in a home where they feel unheard. Maybe there was a middle child. Maybe there was a large family and it was loud and they were the more quiet child and so they never got heard. Maybe, um, they had a parent that Uh, was emotionally immature and every time the kid tried to speak up, the parent would take over the conversation and and dominate the interaction with their own feelings.

So, this, this person grows up feeling unheard as the child. Now, fast forward, they’re the parent and the message they got, or maybe they grew up in a dominant home where this is where their feelings never matter. Okay. So now they become the parent and subconsciously way back in the deep of the back part of their brain.

They think, well, now that I’m the parent, I’m going to be listened to. It’s my turn. I’m going to be heard, but maybe they have a strong little kid who doesn’t listen all the time. Or. Okay. a kid who storms a lot or an overly sensitive child in H. S. P. And now they feel not heard as the parents. They didn’t feel hurt as a child.

They didn’t feel hurt as a parent. So they’re storming all the time. They’re frustrated. They’re resentful. They’re dismayed. They’re confused. They’re storming. They’re projecting, blaming and deflecting. They’re upset. They’re anxious all the time. When, when, when I can work with you to uncover that and heal that wound, right?

And, and reparent yourself and put it aside. Then when your kid doesn’t listen to you, you’re not making meaning anything about you and you’re staying neutral and calm and regulated to help your kid listen to you. I love that. Cause I think it emphasizes.

I think one of the biggest things that I, one of the most helpful tools I offer people in all of my work, and hopefully here in the podcast is don’t take it personally. You know, it’s and we come back to this over and over when you do the work, healing skills, regulation, understanding every behavior communicates a need.

When you do all that work together, when you get comfortable being uncomfortable, you get comfortable with your kids, big emotions, and you stop taking it personally when that is is kind of the safety net that you operate with parenting gets. Easier, more fun, more enjoyable. There’s deeper connection with your kid when there’s deeper connection, there’s more cooperation, like just learning, doing the work to not take it personally.

Again, a rising tide that lifts all boats. Wouldn’t you agree, Neil? Totally. Totally. And that’s not a natural thing listener that you’re not supposed to know that you may not have come by that honestly, because that might not have been modeled for you as a kid. But neuroscience tells us neuroplasticity shows us that we can learn to not take it personally.

That is, you are totally capable of that. Every single one of you. I don’t care how many kids you have. I don’t care how much money you make. I don’t care where you live. I don’t care what color your skin is. I don’t care how old your kids are. I have worked with parents of adult children who have learned to not take it personally.

Yeah. Right. Magic. Lisa, I want to thank you for kind of stretching the edges of peaceful parenting with me and to allow me to ask you these questions. Um, you’ve definitely opened my, my perspective and also helping me feel even more comfortable with asking you questions. I’ve got a whole list of more questions.

So if we do another podcast, I’d love to get these through and otherwise, uh, I will see you on the high coaching calls and I want to end with that. You know, if you are a current Hive member, or if you are listening to the podcast, you know, definitely take advantage of, you know, this opportunity to, um, to be vulnerable, to ask tough questions, to really embrace, you know, the opportunity to change.

And you know, it’s made a huge difference in my life, uh, in the lives of people around me and also say, I don’t always get it right. You know, I’ve been in coaching, doing coaching for eight months and, you know, the other thing was yesterday I talked to Lisa about how I felt like I was right back at square one.

Um, and I think. Just this opportunity to be in this coaching environment allows me to not only see my progress, but also to see how it can keep going, even when I fail. So I want to thank you, Lisa, for flipping the script with me, allowing me to ask you a whole range of questions. And, um, thank you again.

You’re welcome. I enjoyed this and I, listener, I hope you grabbed a couple of takeaways, maybe had a couple of light bulb moments from Neil’s questions. They were, they were well written and well presented. And I thought we really. Beyond the questions, I thought we had some really good conversation. Neil, we connected and had some really good conversation and listener.

What I’m hoping happened for you today. My friend is you saw something in a new perspective or a new light, or you heard something in a way that really resonated with you. So your homework is to. Take the 1 or 2 things that you heard today that I said, or that Neil said, and really put them to work in inside your family, inside your thinking, inside your philosophy, try them out, see how they work for you.

And if you want to do this work, even deeper, I would be remiss if I didn’t personally invite you after listening to Neil and I today and hearing about. The questions, the opportunity, the coaching, having a supportive community of people that you can rely on to help you have even deeper and more profound aha moments to do things like heal childhood wounds, learn not to take it personally, learn how to make decisions, learn how to set boundaries and enforce them in a kind and firm way.

Then I. really want to invite you to come and join the hive. It is an amazing community of parents. There’s three opportunities a week to come and ask questions about anything you want, just like Neil did today, anything you want about you, your kids, your parenting. I am there to help you be the rising tide that lifts all boats in your life.

So go to the coaching dot com to learn more and sign up. There’s no obligation. There’s no commitment. Come and dip your toe in the water. Come meet Neil. Come listen to his questions. Come meet other parents. Come and know that you’re not alone. Get the support and help and encouragement that you’re looking for.

So you, so you aren’t unsure, you don’t freeze up, you’re not yelling at your kids all the time, and you know exactly what to do to feel connected and get maximum cooperation from your kids. So, if this speaks to you in any way, again, go to the hivecoaching.com. I’ll look forward to seeing you there.

And until we meet again. I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit ThePeacefulParent. com See you soon.