Ep #199: The ABC’s of Co-Regulation

Welcome to real world, peaceful parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. I am really excited to be with you here today. Because number one, my voice sounds better, right? Then last week. And number two, today, I am going to share with you seven co regulation techniques that every parent should know. Yes, every parent, including you, need to know these seven co regulation techniques.

And I’m going to help you master them. And this is going to help your child manage emotions and build a stronger bond with you. Are you ready? All right, let’s dig in. Let me ask you, do you ever feel like you’re speaking a different language when your child is having a storm? You’re not alone. And co regulation is the bridge that connects your world to theirs.

Helping both of you find calm in the chaos. So today we’re going to dig into seven game changing techniques that will revolutionize how you handle these tricky emotional moments with your kids. And by mastering these techniques, you can help your child develop emotional intelligence and strengthen your bond with them.

When you incorporate these techniques into your daily interactions, you’re going to see lasting positive changes. In your child’s emotional regulation and your ability to manage your own emotions will go up and positively impact your effectiveness. In co regulating with your child. So let’s begin by answering the question of what the heck is co regulation.

What is it, Lisa? Tell me. Well, co regulation is a powerful parenting tool, a superpower, really, that helps children manage their emotions through supportive interactions with caregivers. It’s the secret sauce that can turn meltdowns into moments of connection and growth. Coregulation is a process by which parents and children regulate each other’s emotions and behaviors through their interactions.

It’s crucial for emotional development because it lays the foundation for a child’s ability to self regulate later in life. And let me tell you, I can certainly see this with my 20 year old now. Years of co regulating together, years upon years, day in and day out of co regulation allows this kid at his age to regulate himself.

And it’s really impressive. According to research from the National Center of Biotechnology Information, co regulation supports children’s burgeoning regulatory capabilities, shaping their self regulation skills over time. And here’s how it works, the magic of co regulation happens through a dance of mutual influence.

The parent responds to the child’s emotional state with empathy and calmness, then the child in turn begins to mirror the parent’s regulated state, and then through repeated interactions the child internalizes these regulation strategies. Now here’s the thing you need to know, both the caregiver and the child play active roles in this process.

The parent models healthy emotional responses while the child gradually learns to apply these strategies independently over time. Mastering co regulation techniques isn’t just about managing your child’s emotions. It’s about fostering a deeper connection and setting the stage for lifelong emotional intelligence.

Said another way, co regulation is the training ground for emotional intelligence. Want your child to be emotionally intelligent? Start right now, today, right now, today, co regulating with them, if you aren’t already. By helping your child navigate their feelings, you’re teaching them to identify and label their emotions.

understand the causes of their feelings and develop strategies to manage strong emotions and feel safe with their own emotions and trust them. These skills are the building blocks of emotional intelligence, which is crucial for success in relationships, academics, and future careers. Co regulation helps children develop healthy ways to deal with difficult emotions.

Setting them up for emotional resilience in the long run. Now, co regulation isn’t just about managing emotions. It’s about connection where the other person feels seen, heard, and valued. When you co regulate with your child, you’re sending a powerful message. One that says, I’m here with you and we’ll get through this together.

This approach stands in contrast to punishing or shutting down emotions, which can damage the parent child relationship. By consistently showing up for your child during emotional moments, you’re building trust, Enhancing communication, creating a safe place for vulnerability and strengthening your emotional bond.

These deeper connections make parenting more rewarding and set the stage for a positive lifelong relationship with your child. So let’s dig into the seven techniques of co regulation. You ready? Technique number one is empathy and active listening. Empathy and active listening are the cornerstones of co regulation.

of effective co regulation. They’re your superpowers for turning emotional storms into opportunities for connection and growth. So empathy is about putting yourself in your child’s shoes, even when their reactions seem wrong or overblown. So let’s look at how to flex your empathy muscles. Number one, validate their feelings.

I can see you’re really upset by this. I can understand why you feel that way. I hear you that this is happening for you. Number two, avoid dismissing emotions instead of it’s not a big deal. Try this seems to be really important to you. Number three, share a time you felt similarly. I remember feeling frustrated when I couldn’t do something I want to, or I feel frustrated every night when you won’t get in the shower when I ask you to.

Empathy doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with everything. It’s about understanding and acknowledging their emotional experience. Technique number two, shared breathing exercises. When emotions run high, a simple yet powerful tool can bring both you and your child back to center through shared breathing exercises.

This co regulation technique Although it might sound a little wonky, at the beginning taps into your body’s natural calming mechanisms. Creating a shared experience of peace and connection. So here’s what you do to try this. You find a comfortable position with your kid sitting down or laying down, place one hand on your chest and encourage your child to do the same.

Take a deep breath in through your nose for a count of four, feeling your chest rise. Hold the breath for a count of two and exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of six. Repeat this cycle over and over again, maybe three to five times until you both feel calmer. For younger kids, you can make it playful by imagining or having them imagine they’re blowing up a balloon together.

Or pretend to be sleeping on a dragon. Shared breathing exercises offer a host of benefits for both the parent and the child. Deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress hormones and promoting relaxation. As you breathe together, your emotional states align, fostering a sense of connection and understanding.

This exercise encourages present moment awareness. Helping to break cycles of worry or frustration and you can use this technique anywhere anytime Making it a versatile addition to your co regulating toolkit. Give it a try It’s really a pretty incredible technique technique number three validating feelings Validation is the secret sauce co regulation.

It’s about acknowledging and accepting your child’s emotions without judgment, creating a safe place for them to express themselves fully. When we validate our child’s feelings, we’re sending a powerful message. I see you. I hear you. And your emotions are valid. This has profound psychological benefits.

Your kids feel understood and supported. which builds trust and openness. Regular validation helps children recognize and name their emotions more easily. Knowing that all feelings are acceptable, even if and when all behaviors aren’t helps children bounce back from difficult experiences. Remember, validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything or giving in to demands.

It’s about acknowledging the emotion behind the behavior. And you know I’m all about that. Technique number four, modeling self regulation. Now, here’s the truth. As parents, We’re our children’s first and most influential teachers. When it comes to emotional regulation, our actions speak louder than words.

By modeling self regulation, we provide a living example of how to handle life’s up and downs. Here are some ways to demonstrate self regulation in everyday situations. You can narrate your process by saying, I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a couple deep breaths and calm down. I’m feeling incredibly mad right now, so I’m going to take a walk out to the mailbox and come right back.

You can show healthy coping strategies by using a stress ball or going for a walk or having a dance party or practicing mindfulness when you’re upset. You can apologize when needed. I’m sorry I raised my voice. I was feeling overwhelmed. And that’s not an excuse. And I will try better next time. You can express emotions appropriately.

I feel disappointed that we can’t go to the park today because of the rain. And I was really looking forward to it. You can demonstrate problem solving by talking through your thought process when facing a challenge. Children are keen observers, constantly learning from their environment. And when they see you managing your emotions effectively, they’re absorbing valuable lessons and learning how to manage their emotions effectively.

By consistently modeling self regulation, you’re equipping your child with the essential life skills that will serve them well into adulthood. Remember, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing that emotions are a natural part of life and that we all possess the power to manage them effectively.

Technique number five, effective established routines. Listen to this. Routines are the unsung heroes of emotional regulation. They provide children with the sense of predictability and security, which is crucial for managing emotions effectively. When children know what to expect, they’re better equipped to handle the ups and downs of daily life.

Technique number seven, use fewer words. This was one of the greatest things I did in my transition to peaceful parenting. My son used to say to me all the time, fewer words, mom, fewer words. Now, here’s the thing I need you to hear. When emotions run high, less is often more. Using fewer words during moments of distress can be a powerful co regulation technique.

It helps children process their emotions without feeling overwhelmed by verbal input. My biggest tip here is to keep it simple by using calming phrases. I’m here. You’re safe. Let’s breathe together. We’ll get through this. This will pass. I understand. Remember, the goal is to provide comfort, not to solve the problem immediately.

And don’t forget nonverbal communication. Your body language and tone speaks volume. Consider these nonverbal cues. Maintain a calm, open posture. Use a soft, soothing voice. Offer physical comfort if welcomed. A hug, hand holding. Match your child’s energy level and then gradually bring it down. Use facial expressions that convey empathy and understanding.

The truth is nonverbal cues can sometimes communicate more effectively than words. Especially when a child is in distress. Have you ever squatted down on a two or three year olds level when they’ve skinned their knee or fallen down or really upset and just open your arms wide up in an inviting stance that’s using nonverbal cues to communicate empathy when a child’s in distress.

It works on older kids too. Technique number seven, holding space. One of my favorite things in the whole world to do for other human beings holding space is a powerful Co regulation technique that involves being fully present with your child without trying to fix or change their emotions Holding space happens when we’re present without judgment when we allow emotions to exist Without trying to change them when we create a safe environment for emotional expression.

And when we offer support without taking over, it’s about acknowledging that your child’s feelings are valid, even if you don’t fully understand them to effectively hold space for your child. I want you to work on practicing mindfulness. Stay present in the moment without getting caught up in your own thoughts or reactions without catastrophizing or predicting or globalizing.

Resist the urge to problem solve. Sometimes our kids just need to be heard and understood. Use reflective listening when appropriate. Repeat back what you’ve heard to show that you’re listening. Offer physical presence. Sometimes it’s just about sitting quietly together and finally respect their process.

Allow your child to work through their own emotions. Transcribed At their own pace and speed by holding space, you create a safe container for your child’s emotions, fostering emotional intelligence and resilience. Incorporating co regulation techniques into your daily routine and parenting doesn’t have to be overwhelming.

Start small and build consistency over time. Consistency is the secret sauce of effective co regulation. Make a commitment to practice these techniques regularly. Listen to this episode over and over and over again if you need to. Take notes. Put posted notes around the house to remind you. Do a printout and put it on your fridge.

Make a commitment to practice these techniques regularly. Not just when your kids are melting down, do what you need to do to be consistent. Set reminders on your phone. If you need to create the visual cues around your home to prompt you, for example, place a breathe together, sticky note on your bathroom mirror as a daily reminder, try the good old tried and true sandwich method in your interactions.

Start with connection, address the issue, end with connection. This approach helps you maintain a positive emotional climate, even when addressing challenging behaviors. Now, we all have heard the saying, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Well, neither was co regulation. Choose one technique to focus on each week.

I’ve thrown a lot at you today, and there’s really a lot here. So choose one technique to focus on. For instance, dedicate a week to practicing active listening during dinner conversations. The next week, focus on validating feelings during bedtime routines. Remember, progress, not perfection is always the goal at Real World Peaceful Parenting, but especially when working on co regulating techniques.

You can celebrate small wins and be patient with yourself and your child as you learn together. Learning about co regulation is an ongoing process. I work on it all the time. So again, I need you to be kind to yourself as you explore these resources and implement new techniques. Your commitment to just trying it, to growing as a parent, is a beautiful gift.

To both you and your kids. And here’s what I know. Mastering co regulation and the techniques are like learning a new language. It’s the language of emotional connection. It takes time and practice and patience, but the rewards are measurable. As you implement these seven techniques, remember that you’re not just managing behavior.

You’re building a foundation for your child’s emotional intelligence, and you’re strengthening your bond with them. Every calm breath, every moment of active listening and every validation of feelings is a step towards a more peaceful and connected relationship with your kids. You’re not just parenting, you’re partnering with your kids in their emotional growth.

So in conclusion, I want to encourage you not to aim for perfection, aim for progress, celebrate small victories. Learn from the challenging moments and no matter what, keep showing up. Your commitment to co regulation is a powerful act of love that will ripple through your child’s life for years to come.

And remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Lean on me. Listen to this podcast over and over and over again. Connect with like minded parents and be gentle with yourself. You’re doing important work. And it matters more than, you know, and if you need more resources and you want to lean on me even harder and you want to jump into this with both feet and you want accountability and implementing the seven techniques that I’ve talked about here today that I’ve shared, then I personally invite you to go to the hivecoaching.

com and join our community where you’re going to find like minded parents. To be around, to talk with, to connect with. You’re going to find ways to implement these seven techniques in detail and get the support you’re looking for to create the transformation you want so that you can partner with your child to build, to grow their emotional growth and strengthen the bond you have with your kids.

And in the meantime, here’s to calmer days. Stronger connections and the joy of growing together through the art of co-regulation. You’ve got this. I know you do, and I’ll be with you every step of the way. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting.

If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.