Ep #200: Understanding The Hidden Pain Behind Your Kid’s Anger

Welcome to real world, peaceful parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so energized to be with you here today. Because we’re diving into something that can completely transform your relationship with your kids and honestly everyone in your life. You know those moments when your child is having a big reaction? Maybe slamming doors or letting loose with words they can’t take back?

Yeah, I know. Those are tough moments in parenting, aren’t they? Well, what if I told you that beneath all that anger, There’s actually a hurt person trying desperately to be understood. Stay with me here because this revelation changed everything in my own parenting journey. Before we dive deeper today, I want to share with you a quote that stopped me in my tracks when I first read it.

The wise Eckhart Tolle said, There is always pain underneath. Let that sink in for a moment. Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath. This truth has completely transformed how I parent, how I coach other parents, and honestly, how I understand human behavior. Because once you really get this, once you truly understand that anger is just the guard dog protecting deeper hurt, everything changes, and you can see the world through a new lens.

Let me share something that happened recently with my son, Malcolm. He called me one day, clearly frustrated. His voice tight with tension that I know so well, going on and on about his situation, and how it was completely impossible, and how nothing ever works out. My old reaction might have been to jump in with solutions or dismiss his feelings as dramatic.

But instead, I remembered what I’m about to share with you today. I took a deep breath and I looked beyond the anger. And you won’t believe what I discovered. But before I tell you what happened next, let’s talk about why understanding the pain behind the anger is so crucial for real world peaceful parenting.

Here’s what I want you to visualize. Most of us are just snorkeling, if we’re honest, at the surface of anger, barely scratching the surface of what’s really going on. We see the splashing at the surface, we hear the noise, the storming, and we react to what’s right in front of us. The behavior. But today I’m going to teach you how to scuba dive down deep.

Yes, we’re going all the way down to where the real feelings and needs live. Because here’s the amazing thing. When we scuba dive down to the feelings and needs, the behavior at the surface often takes care of itself. Let me say that again. When we scuba dive down to the feelings and needs, the behavior at the surface often takes care of itself.

Now I want you to visualize. Anger like an iceberg. What you see above the water, at the top of the iceberg, above the surface. The water is the yelling, the defiance, the attitude, the eye rolling, the screaming, the fighting with the sibling, the talking back. That’s just the tip. But underneath, oh, underneath, there’s so, so, so much more.

Underneath All of that. There’s fear, disappointment, shame, feeling misunderstood, feeling not good enough. That’s the pain we need to connect with. As Eckhart Tolle reminds us, the pain is always there underneath. Always. And our job as real world peaceful parents, is to be brave enough to look for it. I have a client, let’s call her Valerie, who came to me frustrated about her 10 year old daughter aggressive outbursts during play dates.

She’s just angry and uncooperative all the time, Valerie told me. And then we dug deeper. We scuba dived down to the feelings underneath. Valerie did this work with her daughter, and what she discovered is that her daughter was actually terrified of losing friends. The anger was protecting her from the pain of feeling rejected.

Here’s what’s fascinating. This doesn’t just apply to our kids. It applies to us too. The parents, when we snap at our children, when we lose our cool, what pain are we protecting? What pain? So my question is, are you ready to dig deeper? Because here’s where it gets really interesting. Let’s break down the three key insights that will transform how you view anger.

Anger is a protector. It shields us from vulnerable feelings. It feels safer than showing pain. And it gives us a sense of power when we feel powerless. Another key insight is the pain needs. To be acknowledged the hidden feelings really want to be seen and understanding this model leads to healing and what I know with 100 percent certainty is the connection happens in vulnerability and the third key insight is that anger is the bridge to compassion and you might be going what?

Let me say it again. Anger is the bridge to compassion. Because when we see pain, when we can scuba dive down, the empathy flows naturally and the defensiveness melts away. And that’s when real solutions become possible. Remember what Eckhart Tolle said about anger, always having pain underneath? Well, let me show you exactly what that looks like in real life.

You know what I find fascinating, when I work with parents in the hive, they often come to me with a list of challenging behaviors that feel overwhelming. Let me share something that might completely shift your perspective. I want you to imagine these behaviors as distress signals. Each one trying to tell us something important about what’s happening inside your child’s emotional world.

Yeah? All right, let’s dive deeper together. And yes, we’re going to have to put on our scuba gear for this one. There’s no snorkeling at the top. I’m going to share with you what we often see at the surface, and then we’ll explore what might be hiding in those deep waters beneath. So at the surface, you might see backtalk and resistance.

or ignoring you, or showing disrespect. You might see physical reactions, like hitting or kicking. At the surface, you might see fighting with siblings, or snapping at them, or putting them down. You might see non stop complaining. You might see taking things that don’t belong to them. You might see yelling and explosive reactions from your kid or kids.

You might see them telling lies or making up stories. Or you might see the full blown meltdown and tantrums. But here’s where it gets interesting. When we scuba dive down, when we get what I call curious, not furious. It’s one of my signature terms, curious, not furious. Here’s what we often discover in those deeper waters.

A child feeling completely overwhelmed. Nervous energy that your kid doesn’t know how to handle. Deep hurt that they can’t express from something that might have happened just now or earlier. Embarrassment of something they’re trying to hide. Sometimes past trauma they’re still processing. Sadness or grief they don’t understand.

Loneliness and insecurity. Exhaustion. Stress from changes or transitions in their lives. Simple boredom they can’t navigate. Confusion about expectations. A desperate need for some control in their world. Anxiety, fears, and worries. Feelings of isolation, uncertainty about their place in the world, lagging skills that they haven’t developed yet.

Their unique temperament, trying to be heard and accepted. A need for connection or sensory needs that aren’t being met. Take a moment and let that sink in. Can you feel the difference between what we see at the surface and what’s really going on in those deeper waters? Remember my story at the beginning about Malcolm’s call?

Well, when I scuba dived down, when I got curious not furious, and I scuba dived down beneath the anger, I took a breath and said, sounds like you’ve got a lot of disappointment under this frustration. The anger softened. And suddenly we were having a real conversation. It turns out he was feeling lonely and missing his high school friends, but expressing that vulnerability felt too raw.

His anger was protecting him from the pain of admitting that he was having a little bout of homesickness. That he was struggling with the transition back into the school year. Keeping Eckhart Tolle’s wisdom in mind, the anger always signals pain underneath. So let’s talk about how you can put this understanding into practice right now today.

Here’s your homework. Yes, I’m giving you homework because I want you to experience this transformation firsthand. So there’s two assignments this week. The first one, I want you to practice getting curious, not furious. Next time your child shows anger, pause and imagine putting on the scuba gear. Take a deep breath, and dive down beneath the surface.

Dive beneath the behavior at the top, and ask yourself, What might my kid be protecting themselves from feeling? Don’t try to fix anything. Just get curious, not furious. Just observe and wonder. Okay, your second assignment. Turn that lens on yourself. The next time you feel angry with your child, pause and ask, What pain am I trying not to feel right now?

Maybe it’s feeling like a bad parent, or feeling out of control, or disappointed in yourself, or feeling disrespected, or frustrated that you’re running behind. Remember, the goal is to stop snorkeling at the top and scuba dive down to the feelings and needs. Okay, now listen to this. You know what’s beautiful about this work?

It not only helps us understand our children better, but it helps us understand ourselves. And when we understand ourselves better, we become better parents. Remember, just like experienced scuba divers know that the ocean conditions can change day to day, what’s underneath your child’s behavior might change too.

One day, defiance might be covering up anxiety about a test. Another day, the same defiance might be signaling a need for connection. This is why getting curious, not furious is so important. And it’s such an impactful mantra to go to over and over and over again. Each dive beneath the surface is a new chance to understand your child’s emotional world.

If you’re thinking that sounds powerful, but how do I actually put it into practice? Or I might need some more help and assistance. I want you to know that you’re not alone. In my parenting membership called The Hive, we dive deep, pun intended, pun intended. Into these concepts with practical tools, real time coaching, and a supportive community.

I teach parents exactly how to spot these moments, how to respond effectively, and how to create deeper connections with their children through understanding the pain and the anger. So if this speaks to you in any way and now feels like the exact right time to join the hive I want you to go to the hive coaching dot com or click on the link in the show notes That’s where you’ll learn all about all the amazing things Happening inside the hive community and get a link to join us.

I absolutely Cannot wait to work with you. Alright, let’s recap what we’ve covered today. Anger is often a protective shield for deeper pain. Today, I’m encouraging you to stop snorkeling at the surface and scuba dive down to the feelings and needs. I’m encouraging you to get curious, not furious so you can discover what your kids really need.

And I want you to remember that small shifts in how we respond to anger can lead to massive breakthroughs and connection. Remember, every time you look beyond the anger to see the pain, you’re not just helping your child process their emotions. You’re teaching them one of life’s most valuable skills.

Emotional intelligence. So good. Yeah. Awesome. Okay. Until next time, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit ThePeacefulParent.com. See you soon.