Ep #204: The Calmest Gift: How To Be Your Child’s Anchor This Holiday Season

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. As always, I know I say it every week, but every week it’s true. I am so excited. To be with you here today. And with the holiday season right around the corner, I couldn’t think of a better time to talk about something that might just transform your family’s experience this year, and it’s this, I want you to realize.

That your child is borrowing your nervous system. Yes, you heard that right. And let me tell you, this becomes even more critical during the holidays when everything is amplified. You know, the excitement, the overwhelm, the family dynamics, the sugar highs, and those inevitable meltdowns in the middle of Target’s toy aisle.

Let me share with you a story from last December. One of my clients, let’s call her Amanda, came to me completely overwhelmed. Her four year old had been having massive tantrums every time they passed the holiday displace. Which was often and she found herself matching his energy every single time. He’d raise his voice She’d raise her voice.

He’d get frustrated. She’d get frustrated and As I like to say when a storming child meets a storming parent, there’s going to be an explosion 100 percent of the time and in the end Amanda felt terrible. Can you relate? Does this sound familiar to you? I bet you might already be anticipating some similar scenarios this holiday season.

Yeah? Well, here’s the thing about our nervous systems. They’re like sophisticated emotional Wi Fi networks, and our children are constantly connecting to our network. And downloading our emotional states, our reactions, and our ability or inability to handle the stress. And during the holidays, that Wi Fi signal gets tested like never before.

Think about it. How do you feel when you’re racing through your holiday to do list, juggling family expectations, Managing sugar fueled excitement and trying to maintain some semblance of routine. Now, imagine that your kid or kids are picking up on all of that energy. The stress, the excitement, the anticipation, the overwhelm.

You see, being the calm in the holiday storm isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present and making progress. It’s about noticing what you’re putting out and being intentional about it. And if you’re Putting out the inability to manage stress, pivot real time and become about the ability to manage the stress.

I remember last year when Malcolm was having a little bit of a meltdown as seeing his friends during the holiday break, things weren’t quite working out like they were supposed to. And he was getting really triggered and frustrated and melting down. And I had to consciously remind myself to take deep breaths, And stay grounded so that he could borrow my calm and it worked.

Here’s what I want you to understand about your role as an emotional anchor during the holidays. Your calm is contagious, even during the holiday chaos. Let me say that again. Your calm is contagious. Your regulated state can help balance the extra holiday excitement. When you maintain your center during family gatherings, you’re teaching valuable coping skills.

Your calm becomes their safe harbor in the sea of holiday stimulation. And your response matters more than your reaction. It’s not about never getting triggered by Aunt Sally’s comments about your parenting. It’s about how quickly you can return to center. Every time you pause before responding to the holiday overwhelm, every time you’re modeling emotional maturity.

Let’s talk about something really important here, something that might completely change how you view these holiday meltdowns and storms. When we respond with harsh words, punishments, or our own triggered state, we’re actually wiring our child’s brain to be on high alert. Think about that for a moment.

We are literally shaping their neural pathways. To be more reactive and less able to regulate. Lightbulb moment right there, right? You know what science tells us? A child can’t think logically when they’re anxious. And they definitely can’t learn in that state. So when your kid, at any age, is having a meltdown over the wrong color candy cane, or your teen is storming about missing their friend’s holiday party, loaning them your calm has to be the top priority.

And then everything else can come afterwards. Science. Take a moment right now. Yes, right now, wherever you are, as long as you’re not driving and put your hand on your heart and take four deep breaths with me. And as you’re doing this, visualize this as your holiday reset button.

The simple act of connecting with your own body. This is your anchor during the holiday chaos. But Lisa, you might be thinking, how do I make these storms stop, especially during the busy holiday season? Well, let me share with you my three step approach that has helped countless families. Calm and reset during the holiday season.

Number one, pause and respond rather than react. Take that breath. We practiced earlier. Remember your regulated state is a gift to your child. And this is especially important during the holiday chaos. Number two, validate the emotions. I see how disappointed you are about missing the party. Oh my gosh, it’s so hard when your brother got to open the first present, isn’t it?

The holiday lights and sounds can feel overwhelming. I realize that you’re excited and scared at the same time. Validate the emotions. And then number three, connect and redirect. This is where the magic happens, my friends. When your child is upset, you need to connect with them emotionally first, right brain to right brain connection.

And only after making the emotional connection should you move to the logic and reasoning, which is the left side of your brain. Your right brain to their right brain, that’s the connection. And then we redirect them with logic and reasoning over to the left side of the brain. So pause and respond.

That’s your job. Validate your kid’s emotions. And then connect and redirect. Let me share some real life examples of how this works. One of my clients we’ll call her Maya was dreading the annual holiday dinner with her in laws because their toddlers meltdowns always seem to peak at the family gatherings, right before they sat down to eat, we worked on what I call the holiday anchor breath technique before entering any holiday situation.

She would take four deep breaths. and set an intention to be the calmest person in the room and to be the calm her daughter needed. The result? Both Maya and her daughter were able to navigate family gatherings with more ease. Why? Because Maya’s regulated nervous system was on loan to help her daughter regulate her own nervous system.

She was drafting behind Maya and Maya was leading the charge by being the calmest person in the room. You And for those of you with multiple children or teenagers. Here’s what this looks like in action. One of my clients, let’s call her Jennifer, has three kids, six, eight, and 11. Last Christmas morning, the inevitable happened.

A massive fight broke out over who got to open the first present. I can picture this. Can you? Jennifer could feel her blood pressure rising as the screaming escalated, but instead of joining the cast, which she admitted was her go to response in the past, she tried something different based on the coaching we had done together.

She took a deep breath. Sat down on the floor and started speaking in a low calm voice. She said, hey, I see how excited everyone is Maintaining her regulated state. The amazing thing is that within minutes her child’s voices started to get quieter and quieter Their movements became less frantic. They were quite literally all of them borrowing her calm nervous system state.

Together they created a new present opening ritual that honored everyone’s needs. And for those of you with teenagers, oh yes, they’re barring your nervous system too. Here’s a powerful story from another client, let’s call her Rachel. Her 15 year old daughter was absolutely furious, y’all I am talking furious about having to attend the annual family holiday dinner instead of getting to go to her friend’s party.

You know those moments when your teen looks at you like you’ve ruined their entire life? Yeah, that look. Rachel shared with me how she used to match her daughter’s intensity with defensive explanations and frustrated responses. But after working on her own regulation, she tried a different approach.

Instead of reacting to the door slam and the I hate this family comments, she took four deep breaths and she regulated her own nervous system first. She decided that she was going to be the calmest person in the room and that her calm was on loan for her daughter when she was ready to take it. Once she felt centered, she went into her daughter’s room, sat quietly and said, I can only imagine how disappointed you are.

Her regulated presence created space for her daughter to move through her big emotions. Without escalation. By the end of the evening, her daughter was actually engaging with the younger cousins at the family dinner and was still sad that she missed her friend’s party, but was able to borrow her mom’s regulation to calm the chaos.

And here’s something I want you to really take in as you’re digesting today’s episode and lessons. You don’t have to be perfectly calm all the time. In fact, this can be a beautiful opportunity, letting your kids see you catch yourself. Take the pause and choose a better response, which can be incredibly powerful.

Let them watch you shift from reactive to responsive by using the calm. Just yesterday, I caught myself getting frustrated about a conversation I was trying to have with my son about an upcoming visit with him, but instead of letting my stress spiral, I paused. Right in front of him over FaceTime and said, wow, I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now.

I’m going to pause and take four deep breaths. And you know what? He watched me regulate in real time. That’s a real world master class in emotional maturity right there. And you can show your kids that over and over and over again. Okay, here’s your holiday homework. Yes, I’m giving you two powerful assignments this week.

The first is the holiday trigger tracker. Try saying that three times. For the next three days, notice what holiday related situations activate you. Write down what happens before. Is it the crowded stores? The holiday planning? The family dynamics? The money spent? The overwhelm? Notice What triggers you?

Notice where you feel it in your body. Rate your emotional temperature on a scale of 1 to 10 and pay special attention to sibling dynamics and teen responses. Just notice them. This is super helpful to know where your triggers are coming from and when they’re likely to show up. Remember, the goal is to be the calmest person in the room.

Homework assignment number two is to integrate and practice the holiday reset ritual. Create a 30 second reset ritual for the holiday overwhelm. Take those four deep breaths. It could be walking around. It could be touching a special ornament while taking four deep breaths. Practice this daily as we move into the holiday season, especially when overwhelm arises with your kids.

Remember, this isn’t about having a perfect holiday season. It’s about being real and human while still showing up as the emotional anchor. Your family needs during this exciting but challenging time. Yeah. Okay. And if you’re resonating with this message and wanting more support and becoming that regulated calm presence for your kids during the holidays and beyond, then I want to invite you to join us in the hive.

In The Hive, I work closely with parents just like you, yes you, providing personalized strategies for emotional regulation and nervous system co regulation during high stress times like the holidays. Basically, I help you become the calmest person in the room. No matter what’s going on around you. We do this by diving deep into understanding your unique triggers and creating custom tools to work for your family’s specific needs.

If you’re looking to transform your parenting experience just in time of the holidays, then come check us out. That’s thehivecoaching. com. I can’t wait to see you there. Okay, let’s recap what we’ve covered today. Your child is constantly borrowing from your nervous system, especially during the holiday excitement.

Your calm is just as contagious as stress, even in the holiday chaos. Let them borrow your calm. Being regulated doesn’t mean having a perfect holiday. Small moments of conscious breathing can create big shifts in holiday experiences. Believe me, I know. Sibling dynamics and teen emotions are opportunities for co regulation.

Our kids don’t do what we say, they do what we model. Your regulated state helps wire your child’s brain for emotional resilience. Connection before correction is the key to handling holiday storms. Your imperfect moments can become powerful teaching opportunities. And you have the power to be the anchor your kids need this holiday season, regardless of their age.

So remember this holiday season. Every time you choose patience over frustration. Every time you pause before reacting, every time you connect before correcting, you’re not just managing the moment. You are literally literally helping to wire your child’s brain for better emotional regulation. The greatest gift you can give your family this holiday season is to be the calmest person in the room.

You can do it. I know you can, and I’ll be with you every step of the way. Okay. Until next time, I’m wishing you Peaceful Parenting.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.