Ep #207: 10 Truths to Transform Your Parenting: Your Peaceful Parenting Compass

Welcome to real world, peaceful parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so grateful to be with you here today. You know, as we head into the heart of this holiday season, I’ve been thinking about what special gifts I can give you. Something that would really make a difference in your parenting journey. And then it hit me.

One of our most downloaded, most impactful episodes of all time is episode 51. Where I share 10 things I know for sure about peaceful parenting. Now these aren’t just any tips, these are real world practical insights that can help parents stay calm and regulated, especially during challenging times like the holiday season.

So today I’m gifting you The gift of discovering these game changing tips for the first time or revisiting them with fresh eyes and an open heart Because here’s what I know for sure whether you’re new to peaceful parenting or you’ve been on this journey with me for a while These 10 things I know for sure are exactly What we all need to hear right now Think of this episode as your peaceful parenting compass for the holiday season and beyond.

These aren’t just theoretical ideas You They’re tried and true strategies that have helped thousands of parents in our community transform their relationships with their kids. So let’s dive in together and explore these 10 powerful truths that can help you stay calm, regulated, connected, and peaceful, even during the most chaotic holiday moments.

It’s not lost on me that I am sharing these 10 things with you. Right around the holiday season. And if you are getting ready to celebrate something, anything from, uh, Christmas to the new year and anything in between that you might be celebrating in your family, in your corner of the world, what I know is these 10 things.

are going to be helpful. They’re going to be good reminders of how to show up as a peaceful parent, a real world, peaceful parent. And they’re going to be good reminders for what we’re working towards. So let’s dig in, right? We’ll call this like the, the equivalent of the David Letterman top 10 list.

Remember David Letterman. Oh, I loved his tonight, his show on the, in the evenings. And I really loved his top 10 list. So let’s just dig in here. Number one, one thing I know for sure at the top of the list. What I know for sure is that you are not alone. I want you to know you are not alone. I see you. I hear you.

And I’m here for you. I have no judgment of how you’re parenting. And if you’re ready to do something new or different, I’m here for you. It’s really important to me. Really important that, you know, you’re not alone. You’re not the only parent struggling with this. I know when I was at the beginning, or maybe I should say before I got on the path to peaceful parenting, this was one of my biggest roadblocks.

I looked around and when I looked around, everyone else seemed to be doing it right. And I couldn’t figure out how to get there. I felt so alone. I would have given anything back then to have had a podcast and a community to go to someone that spoke to me each week that assured me. That I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t broken.

I wasn’t missing a parenting gene. I just needed some tools. and that someone was there for me and understood what I was going through. So please let me be that person for you. And please understand that you are not alone. I see you and I’m here for you. Yeah. Awesome. All right. The number two thing I know for sure, there is no perfect parent.

No one, there is no perfect parent, not me, not Mr. Rogers, not Eckhart Tolle, not Brene Brown. There is no perfect parent. No one. We all lose it once in a while. It’s part of the human experience. It’s what you make it mean for you and your kids. Once you lose it, it’s how you repair and recover that creates the setback or the step forward.

Just know that everyone loses their shiz once in a while, even Mr. Rogers. Yeah. All right. Number three, progress, not perfection is our mantra here at Real World Peaceful Parenting. I’ve said this many times on podcasts before, but my goal every day is to be a better parent today than I was yesterday. My goal isn’t to be perfect.

My goal isn’t to always get it right. My goal isn’t to be better than someone else that I see. Or that I think is perfect. My goal, and I want this to be your goal too. So I’m, I’m giving it to you as a gift. I want your goal. Every day to be today. I’m going to be a little bit better of a parent than I was yesterday.

And my mantra is progress, not perfection. So good, right? Drop the expectation of perfection. Drop the expectation of perfection. All right. Number four. Number four is a big one. Your kids want to know that you love them no matter what. Your kids want to know that you love them the exact same when they make a mistake or mess up or show you their shadow side as when they show you their quote good side, their perfect side, their strengths, the things that you admire about them.

They want to know that you love them the exact same. Mm. Mm. So good, right? So good. Think about the tone, the language, the approach, the emotion you emote when you’re praising them for what they do well as when you’re getting on them for their mistakes and make sure that you’re communicating to them that you love them no matter what.

So important. Okay. Number five on the top 10 list of things I know for sure. Number five is the connection is when the other person feels seen, heard, and valued. I love Brene Brown’s definition feels seen, heard, and valued. And what I know for sure. Is that when you create connection with your kids, cooperation will follow.

You cannot mandate cooperation. You can mandate compliance, but you can’t mandate cooperation. If you want cooperation, make sure there’s connection, make sure the other person feels seen, heard, and valued. So important. And if you need more on this, you can dig back through some of the other episodes we’ve done.

I did an entire episode on connection. So go have a listen to that to deepen your understanding, especially if you’re new here as to what I’m talking about there. Okay. Number six, number six is a good one. Number six of the 10 things I know for sure is drum roll, please. It is never, never, never, never, never, never too late to get on the path to peaceful parenting.

Never. I don’t care how old your kids are. I don’t care how dysregulated your home’s been. I don’t care how dominantly you’ve parented. It’s never too late to get on the path to peaceful parenting. I have worked with parents of all ages. including parents of adult children. It is never too late to get on the path to peaceful parenting.

And you’re doing it just by being here, just by showing up every week and listening to the podcast. So well done, please. I beg you. I beg you. Please, please don’t ever think something like I’ve already screwed him up or it’s too late or there’s no turning back or this won’t work. Please do not allow your brain to indulge in those thoughts.

It is never too late to get on the path to peaceful parenting. Got it? Awesome. All right, number seven. Number seven is slip, stray, or screw up. Just begin again. Just bring yourself back to center. Just start where you’re at. Take a deep breath, regulate yourself, forgive yourself, and just begin again. I love that so much.

Just begin again. Can you commit to that? It’s so helpful, especially this time of the year because times are stressful and intense and there’s going to be storming by your kids. So if you accidentally slip or stray or join in the storming, or you lose your shiz, or you get dysregulated, just begin again.

Take a pause, gather yourself, regulate, take a time out, come back and begin again. You can start on the path again, over and over and over again. And that doesn’t make you a failure. That makes you someone committed to the practice. Of peaceful parenting. Let me say that again. If you have to begin again because you’ve slipped straight or screwed up over and over and over again, it doesn’t make you a failure or not good at it or doomed or not capable of peaceful parenting.

It just means you’re on the path and you’re working at the practice of being a peaceful parent, just like you’d be working at the practice. of yoga or walking or exercising or playing the guitar. You just begin again. Oh, I love that so much. And I remind myself of that on the regular Lisa just begin again.

All right. Number eight in the 10 things I know for sure. Number eight is definitely one of my favorites. And it’s the mistakes are normal and mistakes are about a process problem, not a character problem. I have a coach. And a few years ago, she taught me that mistakes in life can be boiled down to a process problem or a character problem.

And what I know for sure Is it the mistakes your kids are making are just a process problem. We’ve talked about this before. They’re not giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. They’re having trouble expressing their emotions. They’re having trouble processing their emotions. They’re not having trouble putting their shoes on because they’re a poor character or they’re trying to give you a hard time or they’re trying to disrespect for you.

Maybe They’re not good at putting their shoes on yet. Maybe they’re not 10, 000 hours in, maybe there’s a process problem in the order that you’re getting ready in the morning, maybe there’s a process problem for getting their needs met. And as a result, there’s, there’s a lot of sibling fighting going on in your family.

I encourage you. I, I really, really, really strongly encourage you to look at your kids. all of them’s mistakes as a process problem, not a character problem. Why? You ask? Let me tell you. When you think about something as a process problem, you just think about how am I going to solve this? What’s going on here?

What’s wrong with the operation or the process that we have going on? Right. Like, like maybe you’re having trouble getting dinner on the table at night and you think to yourself, okay, what do I need to do here? Do I need to food shop once a week? Do I need to prep? Do I need to make a menu? What do I need to do to create a situation where dinner gets on the table with ease, right?

That’s a process problem. There’s no moral or character problem there. I just need a system or a process that allows me to get dinner on the table at night with ease. Right? Okay. So the mistakes your kids are making are a process problem. And when we think about it that way, we think about how do I solve this problem?

What is really going on here? How do I scuba dive down to what’s really going on and solve the problem? When you think about your kid’s mistakes as a character problem, you’re judging them. Oh, he’s being so disrespectful. She’s giving me a hard time. He’s being difficult. And when we start judging our kids, we’re going to get triggered.

And when we get triggered, we’re going to start storming alongside our kids. And then nothing gets solved. When there’s a storming parent and a storming child, there’s an explosion a hundred percent of the time. So I want to encourage you to not think about your kids mistakes as character problems.

There’s not a character problem. There’s a process problem here. And I can come at it from a curious, not furious mindset. I can wonder what’s going on. I can wonder what problem needs to be solved and how do we set about to solve it. Completely different than judging and getting triggered and storming.

So one thing I know for sure. Is that it’s easier to stay calm and peaceful and regulated when you approach your kid’s mistakes as a process problem, rather than a character problem. I use this mantra process problem, not a character problem in every aspect of my life. And I will share with you that since I incorporated this language in and started looking at challenges and problems and mistakes through that lens, I’ve had a complete transformation.

It’s changed how I see everything, everything. And it sets my brain up in a way that it just wants to solve the problems, not go down the black hole of judgment and trigger and storming. So again, my gift to you at the end of the year, my gift to you is to incorporate the mantra process problem, not character problem.

Oh, you’re so welcome. You’re so welcome. All right. The number Ninth thing I know for sure is that conflict is growth trying to happen. Whoo! I know. I know, girl. Your socks just flew across the room. I know. Conflict is growth trying to happen. When someone shared this with me, I’ll never forget where I was, what I was wearing.

Exactly what I was thinking when this person said, you know, Lisa, conflict is just growth trying to happen. Total game changer rewired my entire brain. I kid you not. So when you and your kids are having conflict, It’s growth trying to happen. It’s growth expanding. It’s like the egg is cracking open. That doesn’t mean we have to be excited or jump up and down or be thrilled that we’re having conflict in our personal relationships.

But when I do remind myself, When my son is pushing back against something, when he’s pushing back against bedtime or curfew or trying to understand something, I remind myself that he is growing. His brain is expanding. Our relationship is growing. I’m learning, he’s learning and the conflict is growth trying to happen.

It softens me just enough. To be empathetic and understanding, to listen deeply, to wonder what’s really going on here. It sets me up to scuba dive down to the feelings and needs. It’s such a beautiful way to think about conflict that it’s growth trying to happen. I use this in all relationships in my life, all relationships.

I try my best to remind myself. The conflict is growth trying to happen. Oh, I love it. And the number 10 thing I know for sure is that underneath all of our kids, big behavior is unmet feelings and needs. All humans at all times are just trying to get their needs met. Let me say that again. All humans. at all times are just trying to get their needs met.

And when our needs are met, one set of feelings bubble up. And when our needs go unmet, another set of feelings, usually negative, bubble up. The volcano starts to fill with lava. And when the volcano fills up, what spews out the top is quote, bad behavior. If you can remember this and you can remember to scuba dive down to the feelings and needs.

total game changer on your path to peaceful parenting. I promise you when I work with parents to scuba dive down, pass the behavior down to the feelings and needs and solve for the feelings and needs the behavior takes care of itself. So as we begin to turn our attention to 2022, please join me in becoming a scuba diver.

I want to encourage you to leave behind the habit of snorkeling At the top, focusing on the bad behavior, quote unquote, and scuba dive down, become a scuba diver where you get curious, not furious, and you scuba dive down to the unmet feelings and needs. Because what I know absolutely 100 percent with no doubt for sure is that if you scuba dive down and solve for the feelings and needs.

The behavior will take care of itself. I promise you. So are you ready to join me in becoming a scuba diver? Because this is one of the most important things we’re going to work on next year, is becoming a scuba diver who goes underneath the behavior, down to the feelings and needs. And works with their kids to solve the feelings and needs, so that the behavior can fall away, rather than focusing on the behavior.

Yeah. Awesome. So let me just recap here for you the 10 things that I know for sure. Number one, you’re not alone. I see you and I’m here for you. Number two, there is no perfect parent. No one. We all lose it once in a while. It’s what you make it mean for you and your kids that creates the setback or the step forward.

Number three, progress, not perfection is our mantra here at real world peaceful parenting. And our goal is to be a better parent today than yesterday. Number four, your kids want to know you love them. No matter what your kids want to know, you love them the exact same when they show you their strengths as when they show you their weakness, number five.

Connection is when the other person feels. seen, heard, and valued. Number six, it is never ever ever too late to get on the path to peaceful parenting. Number seven, slip, stray, or screw up. Just begin again. Bring yourself back to the practice of peaceful parenting and begin again. Number eight, mistakes are normal and we think about mistakes as process problems, not character problems.

Number nine, conflict is growth trying to happen. And number ten, underneath all quote bad behavior is unmet feelings and needs. And when we scuba dive down to the feelings and needs and take care of them, the behavior will take care of itself. Ugh, I love this list so much and I really hope you do too.

We’ve made a downloadable worksheet of this available to you in the show notes. So if you want to print this out and share it with your co parent, you want to print it out and put it on the fridge. You want to print it out and talk to your kids about it. You want to print it out and put it on your bathroom mirror so you can look at it every morning while you’re getting ready.

I encourage you to do that. That is. Thanks. Worthwhile to remember these to review them on the regular. It will help set your intention for the day as you’re parenting your kids. Before we wrap up today, I have another holiday gift to share with you. I’m hosting two special free events called Q and a with Lisa Smith.

And I’d love for you to join me. Are you ready to transform? Your holiday season from chaotic to connected. Are you ready to create those magical moments with your kids that you’ve been dreaming of? Maybe you’re wondering how to maintain peaceful parenting through family gatherings, changing routines, and big emotions, yours and your kids.

Yeah, time and time again, parents come to me feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of modern parenting. Especially during the holidays, the constant power struggles, the disconnection, the guilt over losing your cool, the feeling that these magical moments are passing you by. So with that in mind, I’m offering two free 90 minute coaching sessions where you can bring specific questions and challenges that are going on right now in your home.

And I will help you navigate through them together. We’ll explore. How to create genuine connection, how to handle triggers with grace and how to truly enjoy this special time with your family. On this live call, I’m going to be sharing practical tools and strategies, plus offering live coaching to help you transform your holiday season into magic.

So this is how this works. You have two opportunities to join me for free Tuesday, December 17th. At 8 a. m. Pacific 9 a. m. Mountain 10 a. m. Central and 11 a. m. Eastern time. And the second opportunity will happen on Thursday, December 19th at 4 p. m. Pacific 5 p. m. Mountain 6 p. m. Central and 7 p. m. Eastern time.

And here’s something extra special. Don’t miss this opportunity. Head to the peaceful parent. com forward slash coaching. To reserve your seat for either of both sessions. And it’s absolutely 100 percent FREE. Remember this upcoming holiday season. Isn’t just about surviving. It’s about creating more meaningful connections and joyful memories for you and your kids.

I can’t wait to connect with you live and help make this holiday season your most peaceful yet. And absolutely, feel free to bring a friend, the more the merrier. I’ll see you there. And until next time, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com.

See you soon.