Ep #210: Breaking Patterns, Building Futures: Being the Parent Your Kids Need

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so energized to be with you here today. I want to share a story with you from many years ago, back when I was first transitioning to peaceful parenting. Back then, my son Malcolm was a little tyke. And on this particular day, I was sitting on the couch, exhausted, barely holding on to my parenting tools as he was trying to build a Lego truck.

It was one of those days where I was questioning everything. My ability to parent, my patience. My composure, you know, white knuckling, keeping it all together. You know, these days, right? When parenting feels like a never ending marathon and you’re running on empty with the get fuel soon light blinking at you.

And on this particular day out of nowhere, I heard Malcolm say clear his day. It’s okay, mommy. I know you’re having a tough time. I froze. He was mimicking the exact words and the exact tone I had used with him just the day before. When he got frustrated because his Lego truck kept falling apart in that moment when I heard his voice, my heart swelled and tears pricked the corners of my eyes because he wasn’t just repeating my words.

You see, he was modeling the kindness and encouragement. I tried so hard to show him even when I felt like I was falling short myself. This moment transformed my understanding of parenting completely. And I want to share some real insights, light bulb moments, and ahas with you today. But before I share, I want to ask you a question.

Who was your child’s first teacher? Take a moment and really think about it. Was it that amazing preschool teacher? Was it their kindergarten teacher? Maybe it was a coach or mentor. Well, it’s kind of a trick question. Because the truth is you. You are your child’s first teacher. Yes, you. And you’ve been teaching them.

Since the day they were born, you see back then, like so many parents, I was caught up in the cycle of punishments and timeouts believing that was how I needed to fix Malcolm’s behavior. I thought being a good parent was having a consequence for every single action. There wasn’t in line or going well, but right there in that simple moment with Legos, everything shifted.

Malcolm wasn’t learning from my punishments or timeouts. He was learning from my modeling. He was mirroring back the very compassion and understanding I had shown him. In that moment, I realized the connection wasn’t just a nice to have. It was the foundation of teaching and guiding our children. Here’s what I want you to do.

I want you to take a moment right now and think about a time. When your child mirrored your words or actions back to you. What did that feel like? What did it teach you or show you about your impact as a parent? I want you to let that sink in for a moment. Before they ever step foot in a classroom, before they ever meet their first school teacher, your kids are learning from you.

They’re learning how to treat others, how to handle challenges and stress, and even how to treat themselves. Your words, your actions, your tone, all of it shapes the way they see the world and their place in it. So right now I want to invite you to take out your phone or grab a piece of paper, as long as you’re not driving, and write down three words or phrases.

You’ve heard your child or your kids use recently that you know came directly from you. Were they words of encouragement, words of frustration, words of love, words of leadership? Now here’s something crucial I’ve learned both as a parent and a parent coach over the last 16 years. When we think about teaching our children, the obvious things Come to mind first, right?

Teaching them how to ride a bike, tie their shoes, use a fork, get dressed. Those tangible life skills we consciously pass on. But there’s a deeper layer of teaching happening every single day. Every day in countless small moments, our children are absorbing things like how we handle stress and emotions like anger and disappointment.

How we regulate ourselves after a storm. Our ways of expressing joy and excitement. Our approach to challenges and problems, our spending patterns and financial habits, how we interact with others, how we resolve conflict, our approach to responsibilities, our empathy towards others, our prejudices and stereotypes, our self esteem and confidence, our traditions and beliefs every day in countless small moments, our children are absorbing how we handle mistakes, how we repair and recover.

after messing up and losing our cool and how we manage relationships. Yeah. And going even deeper, there are profound truths about what our children learn. From the environment we create. These are the lessons that shape who they become, because here’s what I know. If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If kids live with hostility, they learn to fight. If kids live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If kids live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with acceptance. They learn to love. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children learn with ridicule. They learn to be shy. I remember thinking back when Malcolm was little and I was in the heyday of my dominant parenting, something like, it’s not my job to be the kind, encouraging, empathetic kindergarten teacher. No, no, I have to be the principal. I have to be the enforcer so that he turns out well and my thoughts were like, if I don’t punish bad behavior, how will he learn?

Can you relate to this? Is this a thought or a worry of yours as you listen to this podcast weekend and week out? Well, the truth is what I discovered was actually the opposite of what I feared when we focus on connection rather than correction, when we guide rather than punish, I know without a doubt that our Children not only learn better, they develop the emotional intelligence.

and resilience they need for life. Let me repeat that again, because I think it’s too important to skip over. When we focus on connection rather than correction, when we guide rather than punish, our children not only learn better, but it is proven, this is not just the world, according to Lisa Smith, it is proven that they develop the emotional intelligence and resiliency they need for life.

Yeah? Okay, I want to do an exercise together. I want you to take a moment and reflect. What are one to two things you want to be intentional about teaching your kids? And just as importantly, what do you want to make sure you’re not teaching them? Ho, ho, ho! That’s a good question, isn’t it? I ask that because I want to share something personal with you.

In my early parenting journey with Malcolm, I wasn’t always clear about what I wanted to teach him, but I was crystal clear about what I didn’t want to teach him. And that clarity became like a beacon guiding my parenting decisions. I knew the generational cycles I wanted to break and the patterns I didn’t want to repeat.

I knew the ways I didn’t want him to suffer or doubt himself. I knew with absolute certainty that I didn’t want him to hate his body or constantly question his appearance. I knew that I wanted him to know he was worthy because he existed, not because he performed or had good behavior or got great grades.

I wanted him to know that my love was unconditional. And here’s the thing. Sometimes knowing what you don’t want to pass on to your children is just as powerful and maybe even more powerful. Then knowing what you do want to teach them, because those don’ts are often connected to our deepest values and our most heartfelt wishes for our children’s wellbeing.

So this is why I asked you to think about one to two things. You want to be intentional about teaching your children. And I’m not talking about tying shoes or using a fork. What are one to two things you want to be intentional about teaching them? And just as importantly, what do you want to make sure you’re not teaching them?

This brings us back to why being mindful of our role as our kid’s first teacher is so crucial. Every decision we make, every pattern we choose to break or continue. shapes their understanding of themselves and the world around them. Fast forward to today. Malcolm is now a 20 year old, strong willed, fiercely independent young man, working his way through college and learning to navigate adulthood.

And you know what? All these years later, I’m still his teacher. Not because I’m forcing it or demanding it, but because we have this incredible connection that was built on empathy, understanding, and genuine support, rather than threats, punishing, and control. And I want this for you and your kids. And believe me, if I can do it, you can do it too.

Just this morning, Malcolm reached out to talk through a challenging situation he’s facing. He wasn’t looking for me to fix it or tell him what to do. He wanted the same encouraging, empathetic guidance that helped him build his Lego trucks all those years ago. He was seeking support in developing his emotional intelligence and resilience.

Skills we’ve been working on together his entire life, with me as his teacher. And that’s the beautiful thing about being your child’s first teacher, through connection and cooperation, rather than command and compliance. You’re not just teaching them for today or tomorrow. You’re building a foundation of trust, emotional intelligence, and resilience.

You’re creating a relationship where they continue to seek your guidance, not because they have to, but because they want to. Yeah. Again, I want that for you and I know it’s a hundred percent possible. So here’s today’s homework. I want you to notice one moment today where your child mirrors your behavior, positive or negative.

Just notice no judgment. Just notice. Number two, I want you to choose one area where you want to be more intentional with your modeling where the mind goes, the energy flows. So pick an area where you want to be more intentional. And then number three, write down three things that you want your kids to learn from you this week.

You got it. Awesome. Okay. Before we wrap up today’s episode, I want you to know something. You’re already doing this important work every day. In your interaction, you’re teaching your children something valuable about love, life, and resilience. If this episode resonates with you, and if you’re feeling the weight of being your child’s first teacher and wondering how to do it better, I want you to know you don’t have to have it all figured out alone.

I created my membership, The Hive, just for parents like you. Parents are struggling with getting their children to listen the first time, managing tantrums and meltdowns, reducing the yelling in your home, and building better parent child connections, especially with strong willed kids. In The Hive, we focus on practical, actionable solutions to build strong, loving relationships.

With our kids while also taking care of ourselves. This isn’t about punishment based discipline. It’s about connection, growth, and creating a home where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued. Listen, you’re already your child’s most important teacher. Let’s make sure you have the tools, support, encouragement you need to thrive in that role.

If this interests you, I want you to head over right now to thehivecoaching. com. Where you’re gonna get all the details, learn more, and have an opportunity to join our community of parents who are committed on the path of real world peaceful parenting. Come join us. I can’t wait to see you there. And in until next time, I’m wishing you I peaceful parenting.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.