Ep #215: Why Your Child Gets Defensive—And How to Change It

Welcome to real world, peaceful parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. I am so excited to be with you here today. I know I say this every week, but I promise you every week. I mean it. I am just thrilled to be with you each week, bringing you what I hope is. Useful, relevant, applicable coaching tips and ideas that are really helping you on the path to real world peaceful parenting.

And today’s no different. Let me start today’s episode by sharing this moment with you that I recall vividly. When Malcolm was about nine years old, I discovered that he had been sneaking snacks, junk food, things that were supposed to be saved for a rare treat. He had been sneaking them and eating them by the bucket loads.

Wee! after I’d specifically told him no more treats that day. I mean, I think we’ve all probably been here, right? And when I confronted him, and I’m using that word intentionally, when I confronted him about it, my tone was harsh, my body language was tense, and honestly, I, if I’m, you know, totally honest with you, which I work hard to be, I was in full on reactive mode.

And what happened next was so predictable, but at the time, I couldn’t see it or understand it. It was a true blind spot for me. Malcolm got immediately defensive. And he insisted, I didn’t eat those snacks, I wasn’t stinking anything, even though the evidence was right there, the wrappers were in the garbage can in his bedroom.

And he crossed his arms, he avoided eye contact, and started power struggling about everything except what had actually happened. Sound familiar? Have you been there? If you’re nodding your head right now thinking of Your own child’s defensive reactions. Then today’s episode is especially for you today.

We’re going to dive deep into understanding why our kids get so defensive, why these conversations are so difficult and why our kids insist upon being argumentative. And more importantly, what we can do about it. Here’s something crucial. I’ve learned both as a parent and in the last almost now 20 years as a parent coach, if your home is an environment where mistakes are met with punishment and criticism, and your kid feels like they’re getting personally attacked or where being good is tied to being loved.

Guess what happens? Defensiveness becomes your child’s armor. Think about it for a moment. When your child makes a mistake, screws up, says no, or doesn’t follow through, how are you as the parent addressing the issue? Now, this is asking a lot to ask you to take a look at this. I get it, but it’s important if you want the dynamic to change.

The question you need to ask yourself is number one, are you in reactive mode, maybe from a place of anger or fear, which I understand both. And when you’re having these conversations with your kid, are you dysregulated? Take a moment and think about that. And be honest with yourself, because here’s the thing.

When we approach these situations from a place of aggression or frustration, our kids aren’t hearing, Hey, I want to work through this with you. They’re not hearing that instead with their hearing and what they’re making it mean. Chances are, are things like they’re failing. They’re not good enough and they’re the problem.

And what happens next, instead of listening, which is what we really want them to do. Your child gets defensive. Your kid reacts, she shuts down, he argues, and they deflect. And that is what we don’t want to happen. Let me share with you another story from my journey with Malcolm. One evening, I discovered he’d lied about finishing his homework.

And my old parenting style would have jumped straight into lecture mode. Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you lie to me? How could you lie to me? I can’t trust you. You’re being so dishonest. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Coming from a place of both anger and fear. But you know what that approach would have gotten me?

A defensive child who dug his heels in deeper and power struggled. The problem is that this defensiveness doesn’t protect your relationship. With your kid or teach your child right from wrong. What it does is it creates a distance between you and your child. And here’s the fascinating part. This isn’t your kid being difficult on purpose.

This is how humans are hardwired. It’s their nervous system responding to a perceived threat by going into fight or flight mode, even when no real threat exists. Okay. We’re going to have a science moment here. This happens in a part of your brain called the amygdala. It’s an almond shaped looking part of your brain that sits right in the middle of the brain.

And it’s how humans are hardwired. When your child feels attacked or criticized, and they’re feeling it when we’re reacting and dysregulated, their brain goes into protection mode. It’s like their emotional security system getting triggered by a false alarm. You’re not trying to attack them. You don’t mean to.

Again, you might be coming from a place of anger or fear. But what’s happening is, for whatever reason, their emotional security system is getting triggered by a, quote, false alarm. And in this moment, your kid’s brain does not know the difference. This is honest to goodness true. Does not know the difference between being held at gunpoint and answering your question.

And here’s what I really want you to understand today. Something that took me years to learn with Malcolm. Your regulation is the parent. Your emotional steadiness is the anchor your child needs to feel safe enough to lower those defenses and report the facts. Let me say that again. Your regulation, your emotional steadiness is the anchor your kid needs.

Just feel safe enough to lower their defenses and admit, yes, I have homework. Yes. I told you I had homework when I didn’t. Yes. I got up in the middle of the night and got on my phone. Yes. I ate that chocolate. You told me not to eat. You are the anchor that begins to create a safe environment for them to lower their natural defenses and override their amygdala.

Think about it this way. When we as a parent can control our emotions, when we can stay steady, even in those challenging moments, we create a relationship with our kid or kids. That our kid can actually relax into. And when your child can relax, really relax and feel safe, it’s when your child can hear you and can digest what you’re saying so they can learn and grow.

So the internal compass can get turned on. So the question then is what happens. When we can’t regulate. Well, when our emotions set the tone of the household and we’re dysregulated and reactive, instead of pause and respond, our kids don’t get that sense of safety. I’m not saying they’re not safe. Their amygdala just doesn’t feel safe.

So instead of leaning into our presence, they’re forced to hold it together. And on top of it, if you have a strong willed or spicy kid, like Malcolm was, and still is. They often get defensive. Let me share something really vulnerable with you. There was a time when my emotions were like a weather vane, spinning with every challenge Malcolm presented.

One moment I’d be calm and collected, the next moment I’d be reactive and harsh. And you know what? His defensiveness matched my instability. And it’s because he couldn’t relax into our relationship. And I think it’s because he never knew which version of mom he was gonna get. It didn’t feel safe. It didn’t feel naturally relaxing to him.

If this is hitting you hard right now, and if you’re feeling that knot in your stomach recognizing yourself in my story, please know you’re not alone. Here’s the good news, and I mean really good news. When you master self control and learn to regulate your own nervous system, you gain the tools to lead your family with safety, steadiness, strength, and clarity.

Imagine this for a moment. Imagine a home where your presence brings peace instead of pressure. Even when your kids screw up at any age, even when your kids make a mistake, even when they storm, don’t listen. And don’t tell the truth. Imagine a home where your child feels safe, supported, and free to be themselves because they trust your emotional stability.

That’s what real world peaceful parenting leadership looks like. Here’s something critical to understand on that path. If we respond negatively or punish our children for being truthful, we unintentionally teach them to withhold information. I feel like I need to say that again. If we respond negatively, if we react, if we yell and shout and threaten and punish our children, For finally being truthful.

We’re unintentionally teaching them to withhold information. And over time, this erodes trust and creates a gap in communication that only widens as they grow. Think about it today. It might be about sneaking candy or lying about screen time, but what happens when the secrets become bigger when they’re teenagers facing peer pressure or difficult choices.

Okay. But imagine this. When children feel safe being honest, when they know you’re on their side to help, not to scare or judge them, something amazing happens. They feel safe coming to you, even with difficult truths. This mindset sets the tone for a household where trust and understanding take center stage.

Strengthening your relationship and keeping the lines of communication open for years to come. When you develop these skills, something magical happens. You stop creating tension and start building a home where your child wants to come to you because they know they can. They won’t have to walk on eggshells guessing whether today is emotionally safe.

They’ll have a parent who is their anchor, not another storm to weather. So what can we do differently? You’re asking? Okay, let me share four powerful strategies. That has transformed not only my relationship with Malcolm, but have helped thousands of families around the world. You ready? Number one, check in with yourself first.

Before addressing any situation, pause, take a breath. Are you in reaction mode or pause and respond mode? And if you’re in reaction mode, Do your best to get in pause and respond mode before proceeding. Number two, offer co regulation. This isn’t just about staying calm. It’s about being the emotional anchor your child is needing in that moment.

When you regulate your nervous system, you create a safe harbor for your child to process their emotions without defensiveness getting in the way. Number three, use language that lowers defenses. Let me give you some specific phrases that work wonders. Thank you for telling me. You’re safe here. I just want to understand what happened.

Do you want my advice or do you just want me to listen? How are you feeling about what happened? What do you think you could do differently next time? It took courage to tell me that. I appreciate your honesty. You’re human and all humans make mistakes. You’re not in this alone. We’ll figure this out. Even though you messed up, I’ve got your back.

Those are good. Yeah. Write those down. Number four, know when to pause. If you feel the defensiveness rising in either of you, it’s okay. No, let me say it’s recommended to take a break. You can always, always, always come back to the conversation when you’re both regulated. Let me show you how these strategies work in real life situations.

Here’s how the same scenarios can play out differently. Scenario one, your child hasn’t done their homework. The old way might be, why haven’t you done your homework? You always wait till the last minute. You’re so irresponsible. If you pause and respond, it might look like, Hey, I’ve noticed you haven’t started your homework yet.

What’s your plan for getting it done? Would you like some help figuring out where to start? Scenario number two, your teen breaks curfew. Your old way might be. I can’t believe you’re late again. Clearly you don’t respect me or the roles you’re grounded. The new way might be, I was worried when you weren’t home on time.

Let’s talk about what happened. I want to understand and make sure you’re safe. And then tomorrow we can talk about the consequences and next steps. But thank you. For sharing with me what happened. Scenario three, your child lies about eating the extra candy. The old way. You’re lying to me. I can see the wrappers.

You’re sneaky and dishonest and you’re a liar. I hate liars. The new way. Hey, I see candy wrappers in your room and I want to make sure that we’re creating a safe place where you can tell me the truth. What made you feel like you couldn’t be honest with me when I asked you about the candy? Notice how each new approach keeps the focus on problem solving and understanding rather than criticism and punishment.

This is how we help lower our kids defenses while being the anchor and still addressing the behavior and setting limits and boundaries and consequences for this time or next time. So I want you to try something this week. Next time your child does something that really triggers a defensive response, Maybe they’re sneaking screen time, or you discovered they haven’t done their chores.

Pause before reacting. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, How can I approach this in a way that keeps their defenses down? Yeah? Okay, here’s your homework for this week. Number one, notice a moment where your child gets defensive. Write down what happened just before. Check in with yourself. What was your tone?

What were your words? What was your body language? And number two, choose one phrase that I shared today. And practice using in a challenging moment. Remember, this isn’t about letting your kids get away with things. We’re not here to turn you into permissive parent. It’s about addressing issues in a way that maintains connection and actually allows your message to be heard.

That’s what I want for you and your kids. And if you’re feeling the weight of the daily power struggles, if you’re tired of the disrespect and the drama, and you’re ready for change. Then I have something especially for you. I’m hosting a free masterclass on Thursday, February 27th, 9 a. m. Pacific. 10 a. m.

Mountain 11 a. m. Central time and 12 p. m. Eastern time and it’s called how to get your kids to do what you ask The first time without yelling threatening or punishing now hear this even if you’ve read all the parenting books Listen to every podcast and try everything suggested on facebook and nothing’s working This class is for you in just 90 minutes I’m going to show you how to get your kids to actually listen and hear you, how to get your kids to cooperate more and show you respect, and how to get your kids to do what you ask the first time.

And I promise you this. You’re not alone. It’s never too late. It’s not your fault. You need a few new tools to change this around, and I’m here to help. And we can accomplish this in just 90 minutes. So if this speaks to you in any way, I want you to head over to ThePeacefulParent. com forward slash masterclass.

To save your spot. It’s completely free. And if you can’t make it live, you can still sign up and we’ll send you a recording. I cannot wait to show you what’s possible when we lower our kids defenses and create real connection. So in closing, I want you to hear your child’s defensiveness. Isn’t a sign that they’re difficult or disrespectful or broken.

It’s often a sign that they need a different approach. One that helps them feel safe enough to lower their shield and really hear you. You’ve got this. I know it. And if you don’t feel like you can do it on your own, please sign up for this masterclass where we can begin to do it together. I can’t wait to meet you there and help you.

Okay, until next time, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit ThePeacefulParent. com. See you soon.