Ep #216: Breaking Free From the ‘Good Kid, Bad Kid’ Trap

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so excited to be with you here today. My voice is back to its full force and the laryngitis is gone. So I’m especially excited to be bringing you today’s episode. And, you know, one thing I know for sure. When it comes to parenting is that sometimes the most powerful moments in our parenting journey come when we least expect them.

Just last week, something incredible happened in the hive that I knew I had to share with you. One of our members, we’ll call her Sandy, shared a photograph that absolutely stopped me in my tracks. It was an old handwritten list of screen time rules that she’d created for her daughter Haley years ago before she discovered peaceful parenting.

At the top of the page in bold letters, it read how to earn screen time in all caps and underlined, followed by a list of demands like. All chores completed, and then in all caps in parentheses, no cutting corners. All homework completed, 30 minutes of reading, 30 minutes of creative time, and then came the other rules.

No eating during screen time, again, in all caps. No screen time before chores. No lying or getting in trouble. No backtalk or disrespect. Now, Sandy estimated that about the time that she wrote this down and pasted it up on the fridge for her daughter, She estimates that her daughter was about eight years old.

Her daughter’s a teen now. And at first glance, this might just seem like another parenting artifact that Sandy came across. You know, one of those many lists and charts we create as parents trying to maintain order in our homes. But what made this share so powerful wasn’t the rules themselves. It was Sandy’s profound reflection on how far she’d come in her parenting journey.

As I read her words, I was struck by her courage and strength to look back at her past parenting choices with such honesty and self awareness. Inside the hive, this is what Haley wrote. She said, I found this list going through some old stuff. Long before I joined the hive. I wish this was dated. I know Haley couldn’t have been older than 8 when I put pen to paper.

I see younger me taking screen time seriously and creating rules and limits based from family values. But Sandy writes, What I was once oblivious to, I see so clearly now, that my approach to correcting her behavior was all wrong. A lot of the behavior that needed to be corrected was in fact my own, Sandy wrote.

She said, I recall how rigid I was about lies and disrespect. I’d taken on my mom and dad’s way of parenting. Good girl and bad girl was constantly splitting the room for us. Those terms not only described the behavior, it created a subconscious identity. for my daughter in my own mind. She was a good girl when she followed the rules and stayed out of trouble.

If she refused to abide by the rules, she would be punished like bad girls should be. Sandy wrote, To think of how much I cared for her and only wanted the best for her, but it’s heartbreaking to know how much hurt I caused for both of us. I swung back and forth between being permissive, feeling guilty and lost after punishing her, never quite felt like I was doing it right, and being overbearing about following these rules to a T.

Not a day goes by that I miss the old vicious cycle. I give myself grace because I didn’t know any better. So good, right? So I responded with this to Sandy. Thank you for sharing this powerful reflection. It takes real courage and strength to look back at our past parenting choices with such honesty and self awareness.

What I hear in your words is not just recognition of old patterns. But the deep wisdom about how those good girl and bad girl labels and rigid approaches affected both you and your daughter. The fact that you can now see how those inherited parenting patterns impact your relationship with Haley shows tremendous growth.

I told Sandy, you’re absolutely right to give yourself grace. We all parent with the tools we have at the time, often repeating what we’ve learned from our own parents. until we learn new and different ways to show up. What stands out to me most, Sandy, in your insight is how behavior based labels can shape how we view our own children.

That awareness is transformative. You’ve done the challenging work of examining your approach and making changes, which benefits not just your relationship with Haley, but breaks an intergenerational cycle. I went on to share with her that I’m deeply moved by her journey and honored to have been a part of the path.

Conscious parenting for her, her willingness to share this story will truly inspire other parents who are working to break free from similar patterns. And I hope that’s, what’s happening for you right now is that you’re inspired. You’re recognizing where you might have similar patterns, intergenerational cycles that you want to break.

I hope you can see Sandy’s wisdom about how these behavioral based labels shape not just her daughter’s experience and her daughter’s thoughts about herself, but their entire relationship. That awareness is truly transformative. And you know what touched me most? Is when Sandy wrote, I give myself grace because I didn’t know any better.

It’s beautiful. And isn’t it true for all of us? Whether you realize it or not, you started your parenting journey with the tools you inherited, often repeating what you learned from your own parents until you learn different ways, which is why I meet you here once a week and share tips, ideas, and coaching to help you break the intergenerational cycles that are not working and learn new ways to show up in your parenting.

So right now I want you to do something. Grab a piece of paper or open the Notes app in your phone and think about your own parenting rules and boundaries. Write down three of them. And next to each one, ask yourself. What message is this rule really sending to my child? What am I trying to teach them?

Ask yourself, is this boundary or rule or limit or consequence coming from a place of connection and guidance? Or is it rooted in control and fear? Ask yourself, is there a way to maintain this boundary while building connection instead of creating division? You see, the magic happens when we shift from controlling behavior to guiding growth.

Instead of No lying or getting in trouble like Sandy’s old list. You could say something like in our family, we practice honesty and trust. Feel the difference. I know I do. All right, let’s look at how we can reframe some common household rules to maintain boundaries while building connection. Instead of no screen time until homework has done no exceptions.

What if we try in our family, we take care of responsibility first so we can truly enjoy our free time. How can I support you in creating a routine that gets your homework done first and works for you? Yeah? How about instead of, if you’re not ready for school on time, you’ll lose privileges. How about if we shift that to, let’s work together to create a morning routine that helps all of us start the day feeling calm and prepared.

How can I help you with this? What parts of the morning are the most challenging to you? How about instead of, your room is a mess. You’re not going anywhere until you clean it. How about if we shift to we all contribute to keeping our home peaceful and organized? What system would help you keep your space clean and organized?

Instead of no backtalk or disrespect, period, what if we shift to in our family, we speak to each other with respect, even when we’re upset. Let’s find ways to express our feelings that work for both of us. Now, that one is also dependent that you’re walking your talk, that even when you’re upset, you’re speaking with respect.

So can you see how each reframe maintains the boundary while opening the door for connection and cooperation? That, Real World Peaceful Parent, is the sweet spot we’re looking for. So here are three things I want you to focus on this week. Notice your language. Pay attention to the words you’re using when setting and enforcing boundaries.

Are they inviting cooperation or creating resistance? Choose one rule to reframe. Pick one existing household rule and experiment with reframing it using some of the principles we’ve discussed today. And then document the impact. Write down how your child responds to the reframed approach. What changes do you notice in their behavior?

As a single mom, Sandy’s shown incredible commitment to breaking this cycle. Today, she and teenage Haley are building an incredible connection. Yeah, there are still challenges. I mean, show me a parent and teen who don’t have challenges. But here’s what I’ve witnessed. The foundation has shifted from control and punishment to understanding and support.

Sandy’s pride isn’t in having a good girl for a daughter. It’s in seeing her daughter grow into herself. Knowing she’s loved unconditionally. Let me share a personal story with you. As you probably know, my son, Malcolm, who’s now 20 and I have been on this journey for many, many, many years. And I started out with lots of control, trying to exert control over him, trying to get him to quote, follow the rules to a tee.

And then I stopped and I started choosing connection over control. And here’s what I’m witnessing real time after years of choosing connection over control. When Malcolm has a problem, challenge, or makes a mistake, he runs to us for support rather than from us. He doesn’t try to hide things from us. He knows when he’s screwed up, believe me.

Learning to adult comes with plenty of those moments, but here’s the key. He takes responsibility for his actions without feeling like a bad person. And I love that for him. You know, there’s a reason I felt called to share Sandy’s story with you today. And one of the many reasons is because You know, it can be really hard to stop and really look at our parenting.

It can be hard to take inventory. It can be difficult to look at our blind spots, recognizing that some of our rules and patterns might be outdated and inherited. It can feel overwhelming, but here’s the beautiful thing that awareness. That willingness to look honestly at your parenting like Sandy did and say, maybe there’s a better way.

That is not weakness. That is courage. That is growth. That is showing up for your kids and the relationship that you want to have with them. That’s becoming the parent your child needs. And here’s what I really want you to hear. You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Just like Sandy found support in the hive.

In working with me to shift from controlling behavior to guiding growth, from rigid rules to connected boundaries. I am 100 percent here to help you make that shift because that sweet spot where boundaries meet connection That’s where cooperation flows from trust rather than fear and that’s possible for your family Just like sandy so i’m going to end with this today with a real call to action If you’re ready to take that step if you’re feeling Call to learn a new way to break generational patterns, to look at what you’re doing and be open to some new ways of parenting.

They move away from fear and into trust, and they create deep connection. Then I have just the solution for you. If you’re feeling the weight of the daily power struggles. And if you’re tired of the disrespect and the drama, I’m hosting a free masterclass on Thursday, February 27th and 9am Pacific, 10am Mountain, 11am Central and 12pm Eastern time.

And the masterclass is called how to get your kids to do what you ask the first time. And yes, it’s completely possible. I promise. In just 90 minutes, I’m going to show you how to get your kids to actually listen and hear you. Something we’re all looking for. I’m going to show you what you can do to get more cooperation and respect.

without yelling, threatening, or punishing your kids. And I’m going to show you how to get your kids to do what you ask. The first time, the first time I said it, and yes, it’s possible. You give me 90 minutes, and I’ll show you how to get your kids to listen, cooperate, and do what you ask. And I promise you this, it’s not too late.

I don’t care how old your kids are. It’s not your fault. And you’re not alone. All you need. Our few new tools, and I’m here to help. So if this feels like the moment, this feels like the time I want you to head over to the peaceful parent. com forward slash masterclass and save your spot. This class is 100 percent free and you’re welcome to invite any and all of your friends.

I can’t wait to show you what’s possible when we lower those defenses and create real connection with our kids. So I’ll see you there. Sound good? Again, you want to go to thepeacefulparent. com forward slash masterclass. All right, Sandy, I want to thank you personally for being so open and sharing your story.

I know we all learned from bearing witness to your transformation, and I’m so proud of you and listener. I know you got this. I know you can do this, and I’m here with you every step of the way. Okay, until next time, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting.

If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.