Ep #226: The Yelling Guilt Loop—and How to Get Out of It

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. I am so grateful to be with you today. I am fresh back from visiting the boy on his college campus, and boy does he look good and happy and doing well, and it warms this mama’s heart to see him thriving. Let me ask you something. Have you ever said to yourself, my kid won’t do anything unless I yell?

Have you ever found yourself asking nicely, repeating yourself, maybe even begging or bribing, and then boom, you snap. Me too. It used to happen to me all the time. If I’m totally honest with you and what I know about you, yes you, is that you don’t yell because you want to. You don’t yell because that’s the kind of parent you dreamed of being.

We often yell because nothing else seems to work, and then the guilt rolls in the pin in your stomach, the voice in your head, whispering, why do I have to yell to get them to listen? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with them? If you’re nodding right now, I want you to know from the bottom of my heart, you are not alone, and more importantly, you are not failing.

Lemme tell you a story. I love story time, don’t you? I call this the volcano over the socks. Hey, mom, I was coaching once, told me about this moment that broke her, her 6-year-old son, left his socks in the hallway again. She asked him to pick him up. He ignored her. She asked him again. He ignored her. She asked him a third time and he grunted at her, and then something in her just snapped.

She stormed in yelling at him. How many times do I have to tell you? Why don’t you ever listen to me? And just like that, she saw it, the fear in his eyes, the overwhelm. The tears and then came the crushing guilt. Now, this mom and I knew, and maybe you do too, that in that moment it wasn’t really about the socks, it was about the exhaustion, the overwhelm, the fear that she was failing.

It was the volcano that was building up over time. And this my real world peaceful parent is what yelling is. It’s the eruption. Here’s what we know. You and I, we know that yelling doesn’t solve the problem. Sure. Sometimes it gets compliance in the moment for a period of time because your child feels afraid or shocked into action.

But at what cost? Because it breaks the trust, it severs the connection. It teaches our kids to respond to fear not understanding. And worst of all, it doesn’t feel good for us, the parents. So what I wanna address today is what’s really going on when kids don’t listen? And in order to do that, we’ve gotta go a little deeper.

You with me? Now here’s what I want you to hear today. When your child doesn’t listen, it’s not because they’re being disrespectful. It’s really not. It’s not because they don’t care. It’s certainly not because they’re trying to make your life harder. It is because their nervous system is overwhelmed and they’re in fight, flight, or freeze mode, and in that moment, their brain literally can’t access logic, reasoning, or listening.

What I’ve learned over the last 20 years is that their behavior is a signal, not a strategy, and I feel like I need to say that again. Their behavior is a signal, not a strategy. And when we yell, we’re actually reinforcing their dysregulation. We’re conforming the storm and we’re making it harder for them and for us.

So I wanna help you break the cycle, and I wanna help you understand what to do instead. Here’s what I wanna offer you today. You can break the cycle. You. Yes, you do not need to yell to be heard. You do not have to choose between giving in or blowing up between permissive, giving in or dominant blowing up.

There is a better way, and it starts with a few powerful shifts. First, pause and regulate yourself. Pause and regulate that moment where you feel you’re a volcano bubbling up. Pause. Breathe. Give yourself 10 seconds. That pause is power. Number two, name what’s really going on. Instead of yelling, try it.

Looks like you’re having a hard time right now, or I’m having a really hard time right now and getting super frustrated. Naming what’s going on in a sentence or two can change the temperature of the moment. By the way, this works with adults too. Number three. Connect before you direct, get on your kid’s level.

Make eye contact, gently touch their shoulder, help them feel safe and connected with you, and then give them your instruction. And lastly, get curious instead of furious. Instead of why won’t he or she or they listen to me? Try what’s going on for you right now? This moves you from control to connection.

What’s going on for you right now? Help me understand why you’re not putting your shoes on or getting in the car or arranging your backpack to go to school or doing your homework. When we agreed this is the time that you would do it. You want to move from control and power, struggling to connection with your kid, and here’s the good news.

These are skills you can learn. I’m here to help you. So what if there was a better way to parent a way that doesn’t rely on yelling, bribing, or giving it? Well, there is, and I want to teach it to you, and that’s exactly why I created my free live three day challenge. It’s called Get Your Kids to Listen Without yelling or Giving in.

During this challenge, I’m gonna show you exactly what’s going on in your kid’s brain when they don’t listen and what to do instead. And we’re gonna talk about how to get your kids to listen without losing it. We’re gonna talk about how to set boundaries that actually work for you and your unique family.

And then we’re gonna talk about how to stay calm even when your kids aren’t right. Like what, Lisa? Yes. I. You can stay calm even when your kids aren’t. Now, this three day challenge is interactive and a hundred percent FREE. I’m not charging you a single thing to come and join. So if you’re ready to get out of the yelling, guilt, repeat cycle, this challenge is for you.

So let’s take a moment to reflect. I want you to ask yourself, when is the last time you yelled? And what were you really feeling in that moment? Maybe you were overwhelmed, late, exhausted, frustrated. What were you needing? Support, rest, clarity, space, cooperation. And what do you wanna feel instead in those moments?

So if you’re ready to do it differently, if you’re ready to learn some new tools, if you’re ready to show up in a new way and work on getting your kids to listen without yelling, without losing it, you’re ready to set boundaries that work, and you’re ready to learn how to stay calm even when your kids aren’t, then I want you to go right now quickly to the peaceful parent.com/challenge.

That’s it. All you need to do is go to that page, the peaceful parent.com/challenge and sign up. You put in your name and your email address, and that’s it. That’s the next right step. I’ll take it from there and deliver all the details and the content to you once a day for three days, because here’s the truth, when we know better, we do better, and I’m here to help you know better so that you can do better.

I want that for you. I want that for your kids, and I want that for your family. So if you’ve ever thought, why won’t my kids just listen? I invite you to shift that question to what are they trying to tell me? And even more importantly, how can I do this differently? You don’t need to yell to parent with authority.

You don’t need to threaten to be taken seriously, and you don’t need to storm to be heard. There is a new way forward and it starts with connection, empathy, and yes, practice. And that’s what we’re gonna do together. In the three day Challenge. I’ll meet you there, and until we meet again, I’m wishing you Peaceful Parenting.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.