Ep #227: Beyond the Storm: What Your Child’s Meltdowns Are Really Telling You

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so energized to be with you here today, and I’m super excited because I’ve got a very special guest joining me. Hive Member Devoted Mama and Peaceful Parenting Trailblazer Drum roll. Please meet Stephanie. Stephanie reached out to me recently with a podcast idea that stopped me in my tracks in the best way.

It was thoughtful, insightful, and asked a question. I think so many of us have wondered in those quiet, hard parenting moments, now you’ve probably heard me say maybe a dozen times, that when your child storms with you, it’s because they feel safe and that it’s actually a parenting compliment, right?

You’ve heard me say this, and I feel this deeply in my bones. As the mother of an almost 21-year-old, which is hard to believe after years of working at Peaceful Parenting, when my son struggles, he runs to me, not away from me. And I love that it speaks to the connection that I’ve worked to bring into our relationship.

But what if that’s not the whole story? What if sometimes a storm is about more than just safety? What if it’s a signal that something else is going on, a need that’s not being met, a change that’s thrown them off, or even a connection gap that we didn’t notice. And that’s what Stephanie’s bringing to us today, and I can’t wait to dive in.

So welcome, Stephanie. I’m so happy to have you here. Tell us, what were you noticing that led to this idea? Thank you, Lisa. I am really excited to be here. Um, I have had so many, um, parents that I meet with and that I work with. Um, many of them say, um, in the be very beginning, they’re talking about how their kids are having a lot of meltdowns and they’re very, they, they, um, yeah, they storm a lot and they, and then they say, oh gosh, but you know, I know that means that they feel safe, and so I know I’m doing something right, which.

I agree with them, yes, absolutely. They feel safe with you. Um, but also I tried to lead them in the being curious about it. There might be something behind that, and we don’t wanna just sit back and go, oh, great, you know, my kid’s storming and this just means they’re fantastically safe and I’m doing, um, everything I’m supposed to be.

And this is wonderful. Um, because yes, they feel safe enough to do that with you, but it could be a signal, like you said, it could be a signal for them that they. Aren’t exactly feeling safe and they don’t know how to say that. Maybe something’s going on at school, maybe just. In their development, things are changing and they don’t know how, what’s happening and they don’t know how to express it.

And so I just encourage parents to yes, be happy that they’re, your kids are willing to be open with you, but also take that as a cue to kind of dig a little deeper and see is there something that I might be missing or that, uh, maybe is my, is my connection, um, how, how’s my connection been? You know? Right, right.

Um, and don’t just take that as face value, just to always dig deeper and always be curious right as to what’s going on. I love how you articulate this so thoughtfully. You’re picking up on something that takes many of us years to see, and it’s that that storming doesn’t only mean safety. It can mean confusion, change disconnection.

Big negative emotions, resentment, jealousy, feeling left out, feeling unheard. And that as parents, we can’t just assume, right? We have to pause and ask what else could be going on here? And you laid that out for us so beautifully. And I wanna take a moment to expand on what you brought up because it’s so important, I believe, and I, I coach that storms happen in safe places, right?

And what do, what do we really mean by that? And you know, when your child storms with you. It’s because you’re their anchor. You’re their emotional home base. It’s like they’ve been carrying around a big bulging emotional backpack all day, and when they get to you, they finally get to unpack it. But, and this is the key.

It doesn’t mean we stop there. Right. Which is what you’re saying. It’s not a license to ignore the storm. It’s an invitation to get curious. Let me say that again because it’s so important. Just because your child feels safe to fall apart doesn’t mean that the falling apart isn’t trying to tell you something.

That’s the shift that I think you’re focusing on. That’s the moment where peaceful parenting really begins. Not in the calm, but in the chaos, and when we need to learn to choose to wonder instead of react. Right. Get curious, not furious. Absolutely. Yeah. So let’s talk about what that something more could be.

So Stef. In your experience, what are some of the things that you realized might be contributing to your own family’s big feelings beyond just the safety? Well, um. You know, I notice, um, many times when kids come home from school, my kids are, are not, um, uh, immune to this, but they have to unpack their emotional backpack.

And, um, many times it’s pretty standard. So, um, you know, another, another reason why this is important is because we want to learn our kids and learn our, learn their rhythm and learn what is a normal storm and what might be, um. What might be a little bit different that might be, you know, you’re like, wow, that’s not a normal kind of un, you know, unpacking of the backpack.

Something must be going on. So my younger son, he’s, he’ll be six pretty soon here. He typically comes home and, you know, he’s, he’s pretty good about unpacking it in a, in a calming, calm kind of storm. But sometimes he, you know, it’ll be the simplest thing that just. He just breaks down into crocodile tears and just cannot get it together.

And I’m all, you know, my first thought is, okay, did he have a rough day at school today? You know, did he sleep enough last night? Uh, how were they in the morning? Uh, did I connect with them enough in the morning? You know, did I rush them off without having conversation? You know, what, what was off that could have, you know, it’s, it’s almost like, um.

It doesn’t take much, especially as kids are growing. You know, if you, if you put a tiny little, um, crack in in the day, it could eventually be, uh, you know, an avalanche of something later, right? So, um, I start by in the morning how things were in the morning and I just kind of run through it and see. Um, and you know, it doesn’t always mean that I know exactly what happened because.

He’s five, almost six. He’s not always gonna be able to articulate that. But what it does for me and what I would encourage parents to do is by taking that inventory of the connection, what maybe what, you know, what happened between siblings or how the morning went, whatever. It puts me in a place to be, to be able to handle the, the storm is not, it’s not really what I wanna say, but like maybe.

Accept it in a way that’s not so like what’s going on kind of thing. It’s just like this, you know, I may not be able to pinpoint it, but it gives me a little more cushion on my end. Right. To be able to be that safe space for them and you know, kind of figure out if I need to have a conversation or dig a little deeper.

Yes. And I think it depends on your kid too, so like. Yeah, just you just need to learn your kid basically. Yeah. I couldn’t agree more. And I think what you’re talking about is the transition that a lot of. Parents make from being the judge to the scientist. Right. I like to think about taking off the black robe, right?

Where we’re judging our kids. He’s doing it to be difficult. He’s giving me a hard time. We’re taking their behavior personally. You know, I, I, I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day, and you get in the car right, and you’re being bad. And then we get triggered. We get stuck in our middle brain. And the next thing we’re now we’re storming alongside them, starts out as being the judge.

And I like to say that when a storming child meets a storming parent, there’s gonna be an explosion a hundred percent of the time. So I think what you’re offering is the transition from being a judge. To a scientist, and I always think about putting on a white lab coat with a clipboard where you’re curious, scientists are curious by nature, right?

They’re not quick to jump to conclusions. They might have a hypothesis, but they look at the data before drawing the conclusion. And so what I heard you beautifully say. Um, is that you’ve developed a checklist maybe for each of your kids, and when they’re storming, you know, especially if it’s category three, four, or five, then you start going through the checklist as the scientist, not the judge, like, Hmm, I wonder what happened here.

Let me see if I can ask some questions. Let me assess. Oh yeah, we had baseball practice last night until nine 30 and they didn’t get in bed until 11, and then I had trouble getting him up this morning, so he didn’t have his natural downtime, so he might’ve gone to school completely behind the eight ball all day.

Or in another instance, like he had a fight with, you know, a friend on the playground, or no one wanted to play flag football or the teacher. Called him out in front of everybody and he got embarrassed or he raised his hand because for once he knew the answer and didn’t get called on and now he’s upset.

So I love how you illustrated for us that transition of judge to scientist. Yes. Now it’s good. It’s good stuff. And you know, especially, I mean I do this with my 20-year-old. Um, I get the clipboard out and I put on the white lab coat. Um, especially when he calls and he’s dysregulated about something, school’s about to end.

They’re making all their plans for next year. There’s been a, a bit of dysregulation, but at least at 20 my son can articulate yours at six. You have to do a lot more data collecting because of the underdeveloped brain. So it’s just great that you, I love that you said learn your kid, don’t assume, learn and then develop your checklist and then start working through the checklist.

Right, right. Yeah. Because when you know every kid’s gonna be different and you know, we, some kids, no matter how strong our connection is, some kids are just born with strong will, maybe they’re born, um, whether it be like. You know, through the history of, of our family, um, and maybe they are more high prone to stress and, you know, sometimes I can ask my one, I can ask one child, Hey, what happened at school today?

And I might be able to get an answer. My younger one I can ask that he’s, he’s. He’s not gonna answer me. You know, so you, you can’t, it’s not a cookie cutter kind of thing. You really have to put in the work to, to know your kids. And that’s why, I mean, it always comes down to connection. I mean, the, if you’re unsure about what’s going on, connect first always.

And then, um. You can learn how to connect with your kid. And again, just because you’re connecting and you’re like, I’m doing this, I’m connecting. Why is he still giving me a hard time? Don’t take it as like, what am I doing wrong? Just it, it might be their temperament, it might be, um, just how they are and just learn how to connect with them and then learn their way of, um, exploring and expressing their themselves in, in the way that they need.

’cause it is not gonna be the same for every kid. Totally, and I wanna throw out some other examples for the listener. You know, you might have a kid that loves school and is, you know, almost sad when the school day ends. Or you might have a kid that really is, does not like school. I. Still gonna go to school.

So it’s exhausting for him or her throughout the school day to be there. Or you might have a child who has trouble sitting still and holding it all together. I, I know this certainly was my guy when he was little. So the first hour when he got home from school, it was letting all that, holding it together all day.

That, that sort of. I, I used to think about it as he basically held his breath all day at school and then he needed a good hour after school to exhale and then, and if I could just support him and connect with him during that hour of exhaling, the rest of the night went great. Yeah. So listener, here’s the thing.

So many of these things go unnoticed until Stephanie so beautifully put it. We learn our kids until we stop taking it personally and we get curious. And you know, that’s really what I love about your message, Stephanie. You’re reminding us that my child feels safe isn’t the end of this story. It’s the starting point, right?

It’s the starting point. Okay. We’ve got the connection, we’ve got the safety. Now instead of getting frustrated with the storming, I’m gonna put on the scientist lab coat. And begin to unwind. Why is the storming there? So I wanna offer a few guiding questions for our listeners that you can ask yourself when your child is storming.

And this is where one of the most powerful mantras in peaceful parenting comes in. And I wanna share it right here. It’s a, it’s a phrase I’ve coined. Get curious, not furious. So I wanna say that again. Get curious, not furious. This single phrase has saved so many parents. From going down the storming spiral.

I, I, Stephanie, I know will agree with me a thousand percent. When you see your kid starting to storm, I beg you not to take it personally. Do not get swept up in it. Do not become the judge of your self or your kid. Instead, pause and get curious. Literally, sometimes y’all, I literally see myself. Putting on the white lab coat in my mind, I, I had a coach once that taught me this concept of, she’s a friend of mine and, and she taught me this revolved around weight loss, but it can be brought over into parenting instead of being the judge in the, you know, big black robe where you sit up on the dais and you pound your gavel and judge yourself or your kids.

You become the scientist again with the clipboard where you’re curious, and you know, this one, change alone. If all you ever did was stop taking your kids, storming personally, and you got curious, not furious, it would be a complete game changer in your parenting. Wouldn’t you agree, Stephanie? 1000%. Yes. And even with, um, staying on the, the weight loss analogy, it’s.

You need to analyze things as you move forward because when you start a situation like a, like a weight loss or with your child and as they’re storming and what you learn with them as they grow and as your weight loss, um, progresses, the thing that used to work might not work anymore, right? So you need to reevaluate.

You always have to put on that lab coat and go, okay. You know, it’s, it’s not stagnant. You’re not just gonna be like, this is how my kid is, and they’re always gonna be that way. They’re going to grow and their storms are going to change. The reasons are gonna change. Um, so you need to be able to adapt with them and grow with them as they’re, as they’re growing.

And, and in that way it’s almost like connection is, it becomes so much easier because you are so in tuned with, you know, when they do do something different that you’re like, this is. This is weird. Yeah. Instead of being like, well, what am I doing wrong? You just go, okay, what can I do to adjust? You pivot you, you know, you, you move forward and you just change whatever.

You tweak things here and there and see what works. Um, and you just continue to grow with your child. Totally. And I, this reminds me of, you know, a story. I like to give examples, so I tell this story often because it’s so profound. I had a client once. Uh, Nicole and she had this 7-year-old little boy and she goes to pick him up.

She’s running behind. Uh, it looks like it’s gonna rain. She, when she’s running late, she gets super stressed, so she thinks she’s gonna pull into the school parking lot. And he’s gonna jump in the car and he walks up to her and throws his backpack at her, and she immediately becomes a judge, you’re being a brat.

What are you doing? Why is this going on? You can’t throw this at me. She, you know, starts barking at him. You know, if you leave, go pick that backpack up right now. You know, if you leave it out and it gets wet, I’m not buying you a new backpack. And he runs and gets in the car and he’s like, slumped down in the backseat.

She remembers, get curious, not furious. So she pauses for a moment. She gathers herself, essentially pauses and moves from judge to scientist, right? Puts on the lab coat. This is such a good visual. Gets in the car, turns to her son and says, Hey buddy, what’s going on? And I remember the story so well. He looks at her and he says, mommy, no one wanted to play with me at recess today.

I wanted to play tag and no one would play. They wanted to play hide and seek, so I had to stand by the tree all by myself. The whole recess. And you know, his tears started welling up in this little boy’s eyes. And in that moment she realized like everything clicked for her. The storm wasn’t about being disrespectful, it was about a struggle that he’d had that day in school.

That it happened to him, which for a 7-year-old being ignored at recess is a real life problem. And then not only that, but it wasn’t resolved. So he stuffed all those feelings in his emotional backpack, carried him around all afternoon. Right? He is not gonna raise his hand and go to the front of the class and say, excuse me, everyone, I, I need to get this off my chest.

Right? So he carries it around and it probably multiplies while he is stressing over it. He sees her, she’s the safe place. I. So he throws the backpack as a signal to the word you used. Help SOS see me, connect with me, ask me what happened, because I don’t know the backpack is the way I get your attention, albeit it’s not ideal, right?

So she says to him, oh buddy, it sounds like you were frustrated. And I remember her telling me, Lisa, in that moment. He looked at me like I understood him, like I could see into his soul, and she said that connection, I will never forget that moment. It’s been like 10 years since this person has been my client.

And I remembered this story like it’s yesterday because if she had focused on the behavior. She would’ve missed the signal. She would’ve missed the opportunity to get, you know, she could’ve gotten in the car and been like, listen buddy, we blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right now, of course, later that evening, she said, Hey, by the way, when we’re feeling frustrated, let’s not throw backpacks.

But in the moment. That the throwing of the backpack wasn’t the top priority of the agenda. The top priority was connection. And I see you and I see you’re struggling with something. I see that you’re throwing a backpack, which you don’t normally do, so you’re signaling me to connect with you by getting curious, right?

Right. I mean, is it such a great story or what? Absolutely. And it reminds me of the reason why this kind of came up for me when I, so when I pick up my kids, I sometimes bring a treat for them or I get something, um, for them at home. And, uh, this day I, uh, you know, thought I play a little, like, guess what I have for you at home?

And my, my kids love strawberries. I think we. Single handedly support all of these strawberry growers in my area because we can’t buy enough, you know? And so when they’re not in season, it’s not, you know, it’s awful. And so when they start to come in season, I, I bought some and because they always ask me, do we have strawberries?

And no, they don’t have any, so, and it’s a bummer. And so I thought he would be so excited. He is just. He’s gonna be so excited that I have strawberries. And so he’s asking, I’m, I’m like, what do you, I got something for you at home. What do you think it is? And he’s asking, he’s, um, giving me answers. And I’m like, Nope, not that, not that.

And finally they’re like, well, what is it? And then I say, oh, strawberries. And he. Just breaks down and starts crying. That’s, I don’t want that, that, you know, and I’m going, what is going on? And, you know, in that moment, like you said, um, I, I could have been like, are you kidding me? You love strawberries? I bought this for you.

How do, how ungrateful, you know, but I, I remember it as clear as day we’re, I’m passing the, the railroad tracks and I’m like. Hmm, what’s going on? Because he loves strawberries. In my mind, I’m thinking all these things and I’m like, okay. So I just let it go. I let him have his moment. We get home and I wash the strawberries and I give him some, and of course he takes them.

Now. I didn’t ask him, because again, he’s, he’s five and he doesn’t always just give me his reasons. Um, so later on. Uh, he brings it up about school and I asked him how school was like, how was school today? And he says, oh, well, um, I got a question wrong at, you know, a math question wrong or something. I think it was math.

And I thought, oh, I. That’s why, because he got all the answers wrong that I was giving him, and he was upset because in school he got it wrong. So he probably felt really like, I, I’m wrong, I’m not smart. I don’t know, you know? And then he’s not getting the answers wrong in the car. And it just added, it reminded him of that.

It added to it. Totally. And, um, you know, just giving him the space to be allowed to have those meltdowns. You know, that’s the other key is that we don’t wanna shut him down because. They need to be able to work through those kinds of things and those feelings and those disappointments. And if we just shut it down because we don’t wanna handle it, we’re not giving them a chance to grow in that, those feelings and that, you know, that situation.

So that’s kind of where it came from and I thought, oh gosh, I could have gotten so mad at him about that. But yeah, it just was because of what happened earlier in the day and I just had to wait it out, figure it out, and ask the right questions. Totally. Or, or. You know, told him he loves strawberries. Stop that right now.

You love strawberries and you know, but what you did beautifully is you went, Hmm, he does love strawberries and he is arguing with me. So you saw it as a signal, not a defiance. And then what I also love about your story stuff is you paced yourself. You took your time, right? It wasn’t like this had to be solved in the next five minutes, right?

Like, okay, again, it’s the scientist. I’m gonna collect the data. I mean, if, if listener, if you know about science, right? You, you write a hypothesis and then you collect the data, and then you analyze the data, and then you write the conclusion, right? So this is what you did, Stephanie, like, he loves strawberries.

He’s gonna be excited, I’m gonna play this game. And then like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m collecting. Whoa, data doesn’t match. Hypothesis, he’s arguing. Then you’re like, Hmm, what else could be going on? But he’s storming, so let’s let the storm happen. Then we ask questions, then we find out about the math. Then we draw the conclusion, oh, he’s dysregulated because again, he got another answer wrong.

Which, you know, for a kid his age, there’s all this awareness happening. Like, until you’re you, you answer a question in class. And your teacher in a very, you know, scholarly, educational way, says, no, Stephanie, that is not the answer. Your brain doesn’t even really know you’re capable of getting answers wrong.

So then you have this like, whoa, wait a minute, I. I’m wrong. Does that mean I’m bad? That didn’t feel good. I’m uncomfortable. I thought I was smart. Like all these things float around in the kid’s subconscious brain to create negative feelings that then create the action of storming. Exactly. And you know, it all, it goes back down to knowing your kid.

You know, if, if it were my a different kid, I could. Probably ask maybe right then and there what happened at, something happened at school today. ’cause my middle, my middle son, he’ll tell me, he’s very, he’s very talkative and very open. Um, so it, again, it just goes down to knowing your kid and knowing when to give him space and, um, asking the right questions at the right time.

And that comes with learning your kid with connection. It all, you know, it all comes down to that. Yeah. Yeah. That’s the magic and that’s the point of today’s episode. I, I would, I would summarize with, with learn your Kid. Learn, not Assume. Learn. Be open to learning. Be open to being wrong. Know they’re gonna change.

Know your different kids. Don’t try to shove them all into one lane. Right. Know your kid. Learn your kid, and, and be open to being a detective, a scientist, and getting curious when something doesn’t feel normal. I am, I’m telling you, I don’t love strawberries. You know, really get curious about what’s happening underneath this behavior.

What is your child really trying to communicate? That’s the magic. That’s the shift, and that’s where the wor work really begins after the connection. Now, here’s the truth. Without the connection, you’re not gonna get underneath the behavior. You’re not, it’s just a fact you can take that to Vegas. So it’s connection before questions or correction or redirection.

That’s the magic. So I wanna give you listeners some questions. You know, and Stephanie really covered most of them. Uh, so we’ll just summarize these, you know, has there been a change recently? A new routine, a new school, a new sibling? Ho, ho, ho that we could do a whole episode on the feelings that come up with a new sibling, right?

Um, have we had real undivided connection time this week? Not just shared space? Is my child struggling with a new developmental change? Could there be a skill they’re missing, like transitions, emotional naming, impulse control? Am I feeling connected or distracted or overwhelmed, or running on empty? You know, my story of Nicole, it starts with her being late.

Stressed when she’s late, it’s gonna rain. She doesn’t want it to rain. Uh, he had soccer practice that day, so stressing about was it gonna be canceled. She admitted she had a lot going on in her business. At the time. Her marriage wasn’t in great shape, so she was already feeling. Distracted, overwhelmed and running on empty when she pulled in hot on two wheels into the parking lot.

Right? So, so it isn’t just, does my kid feel connected to me, but do I feel connected to them? And am I making time for that? So, you know, thank you Stephanie. I love, I love what we talked about today, and you know, what I hear so clearly is that you didn’t just. Change your response. You’re changing your lens, you’re learning your kids, you’re becoming the detective.

You’ve moved from reacting to responding, from assuming to investigating with love. And that’s, I mean, that’s real peaceful parenting in action, right? Yeah, absolutely. And it all, you know, I, I couldn’t have, honestly couldn’t have done it without you in the hive. So, um, thank you because it’s, it’s really, you know, it, I have learned so much about myself.

Which in turn helps me learn more about my kids. So it’s, it’s just, it’s not just about the kid. It’s, it’s like the whole package. Everything has to work together. And that’s, you know, I, I couldn’t have done it without you, so. Well, thank you. I appreciate that. You’ve, you are just a tremendous asset to the Hive and a member and watching your growth has just been.

Uh, you know, a salve from my heart, a balm the best, you know, the best soulful currency that I could receive. So I’m just, I’m so pleased to know you and have you in the hive and to watch you grow and get to get to work with you. So thank you for all you do. Thank you. Alright, let’s land this plane with three big takeaways.

Yes. Your child’s meltdowns, Mike. Mean they feel safe with you. It’s beautiful and, and that safety is your cue to get curious and not to excuse or dismiss their behavior and not get furious. And sometimes as we discuss today through the beautiful examples, I. That Steph brought. Sometimes a meltdown is really a message that I need more from you.

I need you to go that extra mile. I’m signaling to you that I need more connection, more structure, more understanding, more questions, more co-regulation. You know, in Stephanie’s son’s beautiful example, I’ve got these feelings that I can’t name, and I’m going to signal with the strawberries. And I need you to probe and then give me a language to name what I’m feeling inside, right?

So here’s your homework this week, watch for the next meltdown. And instead of thinking, ugh, not again, ask yourself, what might this be? Signaling? Um, audit your connection. Have you had 10 minutes of true face-to-face undistracted connection today? And. If you’re thinking, wow, Stephanie sounds amazing and I wanna be her.

I wanna learn how to do this like she did. I wanna get better at reading signals and responding with tools that actually work. When my son says he hates strawberries, even though I know he loves them, then please accept the invitation and come join us in the hot. In the hive, I’ll teach you how to pause, connect, decode the storm, and create personalized strategies that can bring calm and clarity to your home, just like Stephanie.

So go to the hive coaching.com. To learn more and join us. And Steph, I just, from the bottom of my heart, I wanna say a big thank you not only for being here, um, but I want to thank you for your heart, your honesty, and really your suggestion of this episode. I know that thousands of people are gonna benefit from the topic and from our conversation, so thank you so much.

Well, you’re welcome, and I appreciate the time and letting me, uh. Share this. I think it’s really important for everybody to know, and I know if I struggle with it and I have learned from it, I knew that others would benefit from it too. So thank you for giving me the space to share. Beautiful. I. Okay.

Until next time, I’m wishing you Peaceful Parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.