Ep #245: Why You Get Triggered: Understanding the Psychology Behind BIG Parenting Reactions – Part 2

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so thrilled to be with you here today, and let me tell you why. Last week in part one, we dug into the science of triggers, those three hidden psychological threats that hijack every parent, you know, identity, social standing, and loss. We talked about how our amygdala, our brain’s alarm system flips into overdrive before your thinking brain.

The CEO can even catch up. Psychologists call it the amygdala hijack. I call it a royal pain in the patootie. And neuroscience shows us the triggers aren’t proof. You’re broken, they’re proof, you’re human, right? But today we’re getting real. Today I have invited some brave parents from our hive community to share their actual stories, and not even the polished version, but the messy honest truth about what it looks like to recognize your triggers in real life and transform them.

So listener, grab a cup of coffee, glass of wine, or put your sunglasses on and settle in because we’re gonna listen to some stories that might sound a lot like your own. So please join me in saying a hardy thank you. And hello to Trina. Viv and Erin. Welcome y’all. Glad to be here. Happy to be here. It’s gonna be fun.

Yay. Yeah. Yay. Alright, let’s start with identity triggers. And as we know, this one hits the deepest y’all. These are the moments when your child’s behavior. Feels like it’s questioning who you are as a parent. So their behavior makes you question who you are or maybe even as a person. And inside the hive, this comes up constantly, right?

Whether it’s a toddler biting, a tween arguing, or a teen making a bad choice. Parents, often we think subconsciously, if my kid is doing this, what does it mean about me? Or what does it say about me? So we’re gonna start with Viv, our most veteran podcast guest here. Viv, tell us about a moment when one of your kids’ behavior made you spiral into questioning your identity as a parent.

So actually, this example just happened just this past weekend. I think my identity before I found the peaceful parent and found you was that I was an angry mom. Like that is just what my identity was. I thought I would always be angry and it was just my lot in life to figure out, but that I would never be a non angry parent.

I now think. Very, very differently. Um, so this weekend we were traveling, we were away helping with, uh, some nieces and nephews go for college orientation. And it was the last day and we were grabbing lunch before hitting the road. And I had asked my daughter, who’s 13, you know, come order lunch with me so I know what you want and I’ll bring it back to the hotel where we were going to eat.

Well, she decided not to come, so I was like, that’s totally fine. So I took her order. I went and I ordered it. Of course, they didn’t have what she wanted and I just made a decision on the spot. She wasn’t next to me. Got lunch and I’m bringing it back. And as soon as. I brought it back. Oh, my son took it over to the hotel before I walked in, and when I made it to the hotel, she came out and right away she’s like, you didn’t order what I wanted and now I don’t have enough to eat.

And I wanted these chips and I didn’t get these chips. And I just total triggered in that moment and snapped at her like my voice went high. And I was like, well, if you wanna come, you would’ve been able to order what you wanted. And I’m standing with one of my sisters and so. Being the watcher of my thoughts, I’m like, I can’t believe I just snapped.

I’m sleep deprived for sure. We’re all sleep deprived after that weekend, but I just snapped at her. And you know, that thought of like, there’s the angry mom, you know, coming out at you and she’s tired. You’re tired, and you just snapped at her. So I had to repair and recover later on, once I’d had a chance to regulate and just say, you know what, like.

Too many things, you know, kind of went askew really fast and I just snapped at you and I’m sorry. That just mind. Yeah. So looking back at that, what was that trigger really about, when you think about it like the angry mom, was it that she was mirroring back anger that you didn’t get it right and that is, maybe there was some fear there that, oh my gosh, I have, I’m, I used to be an angry mom and now I have an angry daughter.

I think it was more the mirror of, I constantly want to try to control things so that I keep everything like flowing and going well, and I had asked her to come and when she said, no, I won’t, I was like, I asked you to do this because I can think 10 steps ahead. Like what if it doesn’t go right and what if I need to ask you, and I can’t ask you if you’re back here.

But I was like, no, I’m trying to listen to her. She doesn’t wanna come. Okay. Right. Yes. And these are the consequences. Of not coming to order your own sandwich is I had to make an on the spot decision and now you daughter are angry about it. Right. Which then right. Tapped into your anger. That’s good. Yeah, that’s good.

Yeah. Alright. Erin, tell us about a moment when, um, one of your kids, Erin has two daughters. Yep. Two daughters, 10 and eight. And you know it, actually listening to Viv, uh, this morning I woke the girls up for school and my oldest one started off just not in a good mood and was yelling at her sister.

Younger one just came down with a cold like yesterday, so she’s coughing and, you know, groggy in this morning. And I just, I kind of the same thing. I just snapped on my 10-year-old and I was just started yelling at her like, just get dressed and ignore your sister and why is everything that she’s doing bothering you?

And like just went on a whole slew of things that weren’t even said. Like she was just irritated because. She was just woke up and was grumpy and then it started into a whole arguing match between the two of us, and it took about what to wear and it just snowballed into a big. Big blowout between the two of us.

And then I started snapping at the younger one and she wasn’t even doing anything wrong. And I kind of paused and, ’cause I learned the lovely pause from Miss Lisa and I was like, I need to walk away. And I went downstairs and I got the dog, her food and her medicine, and calmed myself and then went back and I apologized.

To my 10-year-old for snapping at her and that it wasn’t her fault that, you know, she, for my reaction and we had a great talk and we just decided to start the day over and she kind of took a few breaths and then got dressed and we had a great morning after that. But it really like brought me back to kind of like they was saying, I am angry because before I found.

Lisa and the peaceful parent, like I was yelling all the time and I’ve learned how to pause and come back to it and I, my snap, I, you know, I think, I don’t really know why exactly I snapped. I think everybody was just tired and I wasn’t prepared for grumpiness first thing. Well, what I hear is a common thread between you and Viv, so let’s talk about this.

What I hear is a common thread is my identity as a parent. Is that my children should listen to me because I have the gift of wisdom and age, and I want to be in control. I want to provide a happy environment for my children. I want my daughter to have the sandwich she wants, and in order to have it, she needs to come with me.

I want my girls to wake up in the morning in a good mood. That’s part of our identity as a parent, right? We want our children. We want our children to be happy. We want our children to be kind and nice. We want our children to be respectful and when we butt up against anger coming from them for whatever reason, I think it challenges.

Our sense of creating a peaceful home, our identity of creating a peaceful home, it challenges our identity of being in control, of providing the right environment. And when we get surprised by our kids’ pushback, whether it’s anger about a sandwich, which on one hand is totally understandable. I asked you for A BLT and you brought home Turkey and Swiss, and I don’t like Swiss, and you got the wrong chips.

Right. But when we are met with this pushback from these kids, what I hear is it challenges our identity of a good parent who’s raising respectful children that do what we say and are in a good mood, and that triggers us. I agree. I think especially because, you know, like growing up we were always like, you did as you were told and that was that.

And trying to kind of break that cycle and you know, let my kids have their feelings and be who they are, but also learn how to control, not control, but learn how to manage their feelings and waking up angry and me not being able to. Help her through that this morning, I think was my trigger that like I couldn’t stay calm in the moment in order to help her through her grumpiness when she woke up and show her how to wake up grumpy, but turn it around.

That was hard for me. That definitely, because I’ve worked, you know, I’ve been with you for, gosh, I was thinking I think like four years now, and I’ve worked really hard to not react that way. I mean, and it happens. We all, you know, yes, we’re human. Yes. And, and I’m allowed to have grumpy mornings also. And yes, learning that grace to give myself that grace also is, has been super helpful with my identity as a parent.

Nice. I like it. Yeah. I, I think one of the points that I want the listener to hear is, and I, I am finding this to be a hundred percent true when my reaction. Is disproportionate to the crime when my trigger seems not to be reasonable, right? Or I get super triggered by something. I have been reflecting on that, and what I find is that.

It’s often related to identity, social standing, or fear of loss, right? You know, so waking up, you might be someone. Aaron, and I’m gonna move on to Trina here in a minute, but a last comment. Here’s another example of how this might present. Listener Aaron might be someone who identifies as waking up happy in the morning and in a good mood, and she gets up ready to start her day, and I certainly am this person.

I wake up very ready to go, very awake, very alive like I am working out within a half an hour of waking up. I live with two people who call themselves diesel engines and are very slow like. The first half an hour, my husband’s awake. We barely speak because I’m like, good morning, how’d you sleep? What do you wanna do today?

What are we gonna have for? And he’s like, do not talk to me. And Malcolm is that way as well. And so I think that the other thing that might have happened this morning is your identity of just the kind of home you provide. Right. Uh, you know, when our kids wake up grumpy sometimes if it’s unusual, it triggers how we see the world and the identity of the peaceful home that I provide and the way I wake up in the morning.

So, just an interesting observation Now, Trina is on the other end of Aaron with older children, and so I think it’s great to also hear how this just continues to pop up no matter what age the kids are. Yeah, I was thinking about this and I’m thinking, I’m gonna go back to when they were teenagers, but again, we’re human.

And I find that it still happens now, even though, you know, the work helps and it really happens a lot with my spouse, so, oh, okay. Tell us, throw that in there too. So, I remember when my kids became teenagers and they’re just, you know, kids are learning, right? And they’re, they’re trying out the way that they speak to you.

I would find that I was incredibly triggered if they would say something like, well, duh mom. You know? And just in that attitude it was like, don’t speak to me like that. Or, you know, like, and I would just unreasonably react and thinking about that. It is definitely a childhood wound. I was the youngest of three, two older brothers and, um, I think quite differently than the rest of my family.

I often got chastised for asking questions or like, well, that’s stupid. So now whenever there’s anything in communication with my kids or my husband, if it sounds like they’re trying to say, well, that’s obvious or that’s stupid, I’m like, and I just bristle. But definitely an identity thing from childhood.

Yeah. Yeah. Because you’re not that person you were as a child, and you don’t ask stupid questions. So when they have that tone or those words, you make it mean that it’s challenging your identity as a stupid person. Yes. Which started, that’s an intelligent person, right? Right. Yeah, it’s, that’s a better way to say it.

It’s challenging your identity as an intelligent person. Yeah. That’s how I want to be seen. And then through doing the work, you begin to realize their tone has nothing to do with me. Right. It has to do with them and, and figuring out the world and how they’re gonna communicate and you know, so again, we talked about the pause.

That pause is amazing. I know. It’s so incredible. Right? Yeah. And then the repair afterwards is always good too. Yes, for sure. For sure. Okay, let’s go to the second category. This is my favorite. I mean, seriously favorite in that I think this one comes up more than we realize. Mm-hmm. And it’s social standing triggers.

And this one’s sneaky because it’s not just about how things look, it’s about belonging. As I said in part one in last week’s episode, you know, human beings are hardwired to be in community. You know, there’s, there’s our immediate family. There’s back in caveman days, then there was the tribe, then there was the society.

You know, there’s layers of community, right? So there’s social standing within our own family. What is our spouse or partner, co-parent? Think of us as a parent. Then there’s the extended family. Then there’s social standing with the teacher or your mom friends, or the soccer team, or your church or your neighborhood, right?

And. Humans are hardwired for connection. So when our brain thinks our child’s behavior threatens how we’ll be judged, our nervous system reacts like it’s a matter of survival. Right? And this one, you know, this is one where. You identify as someone who’s buttoned up and on time and has your act together.

Maybe you’ve been this person your whole life. Maybe you grew up in a family where things were very scattered and there was never a plan or the opposite. You grew up in a family that lived by the planning credo and your kid is late for school every morning. Or doles in a way that threatens that you’re gonna be late for school.

And so your brain thinks that the trigger is, I need to teach my kid not to be late for school. And I agree that is important. We do need to help our children be on time, but the level of dysregulation that comes up is beyond that. It’s more, it’s not only that, it’s also. I identify as an on-time person, and my brain is sure that Mrs.

Jones, my kid’s third grade teacher, is going to judge me as being a scattered hot mess that can’t get her kids to school on time. And the idea that Mrs. Jones is gonna have that impression of me contributes to my dysregulation in the morning where I suddenly. And losing it on my kid because they don’t have their shoes on and we’re going to be late.

Right? This is the way this social standing trigger sneaks into our parenting. So I’d love to hear one of you tell us about an example of this in your own life where your child’s public behavior triggered that hot flush of shame. I think this is part. Why I joined the Hive, because I’m sure Lisa remembers when I first started, my youngest would wear one outfit and one outfit only every single day.

I forgot about that, Erin, but yes, I yes, yes. One outfit. One outfit only. It was a romper. It wasn’t even the softest thing she could have chosen, but it was what she chose. And I really struggled. I mean, we struggled with things in the house. Getting it on her was, even though it was the only thing she’d wear was always a struggle.

And then, you know, going, taking her to preschool and she’s wearing the same thing every day. And of course it’s stained and it’s, you know. Got holes in it and everything. And I was mortified because I’m like, how I can’t get my child to wear something else. And people are like looking at me and they’re looking at her like, why is she in this same thing every day when like there’s no reason for it.

And that’s what I’m thinking. They’re thinking. And it was hard and I really struggled with wanting to look like a put together because I am, I am, how you described, Lisa, I am on time. I am always ready. Like nothing is, you know, amiss and yeah, buttoned up. I am buttoned up. Thank you. And she is not and that’s okay.

I’ve learned that. That’s okay. She is who she is, but I really struggled going to preschool and kids and parents would look at me and she’s in the same thing as she was yesterday. I even tried to buy the same outfit and try and sneak it in so I could wash the other one. Nope. She totally knew. She knew the difference.

And it was, yes, it blew my mind. Okay. So looking back on this now, Erin, this is such a great example of social standing, and I remember now that you bring it up. When you first came to the calls, you were looking for ways to convince her to wear other clothes. Yes. And at some point you just stopped and let her wear the same thing every day.

Yeah. And so now I’m looking back on this. Can you so clearly see. That a lot of what triggered you was the social standing identity. Like you’re saying, you were gonna be deemed maybe lazy or not buttoned up, or what is wrong with you, or why can’t you just convince your kid to wear other clothes, that a lot of your dysregulation was completely rooted in fear of judgment and rejection.

Absolutely. Yep. And then we got through it. And one of the biggest things that helped me was you telling me she can’t wear some more outfits yet, and the power of the word yet that we will get there. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But she can’t do it yet. And now we’re up to like four outfits and it’s great.

And I actually was happy that I had more laundry to do when I realized when we got to the point that she was up to like four outfits and I was like, I am excited that I have more clothes of hers to wash. But that was a huge win, and it was wonderful. And after a while after coaching and lots of coaching, um, I quit worrying what other people thought because I knew that she was okay.

And I knew her clothes were clean and we got through it. Now, like I said, we’re, we’re miles from there now. Sure. And what I also love about this story is I know you worked hard to accept that she was gonna wear one outfit for a while until she didn’t. The message she got, I’m guessing from you is I love you.

The exact same. If you’re wearing the same outfit every day, doing it your way, as if you’re wearing a different outfit every day doing it other people’s way, and you did not let fear of social standing and that trigger get in the way of showing up and accepting her for who she is. You see, listener, this is the beauty.

Of identifying these triggers that the social standing, the fear of identity, losing your identity or challenging your identity, and the fear of loss when you understand this is functioning or, or scrolling in the background, you get a chance to recognize it and then you’re not projecting. All of this onto your kid, right?

Erin could have easily said to her daughter, oh my God, you can’t do this. What? What are you thinking? What are people gonna think of you? We can’t have this. And all of this would’ve created an insecurity within her daughter that she wasn’t okay as she was. And now your daughter. It may not even register on her radar as she grows up because you did not let social standing continue to trigger you and then project all of your emotions onto your daughter.

This is what I want you listener to kind of. Grasp out of this is that when we take a step back and identify our triggers, we get to manage them in a way, lessen the intensity, and we can show up and be fully present with our kids. Okay. Who has another story for us? We’ll take one more and then we’ll move into the third category.

So mine was moving from that identity of angry mom and transforming into peaceful parent. So over the summer we go down and we visit my parents and my son is now a teenager. And we were down there and it, the example is probably something like the schedule changed and my son really struggles to be flexible.

Like when the plan changes, he gets dysregulated. And he must have raised his voice at my husband. But my mom was standing there and she. Thinks that is completely disrespectful and she jumps in right away and she corrected my son on the spot of you do not speak to your father that way and you need to apologize and.

When you come at my son directly, it usually doesn’t go well, but I give so much props to my son because in that moment, like he caught it, he saw it and he, I think he did apologize, and I just thought to myself like, I just need to speak with him later, but. In me, you know, that social trigger of, I felt very judged by my mom and you know, her view of him being disrespectful, where as I know in my family, like, okay, we have big emotions.

Both my son and I, we both have really big emotions, and so that comes out in our voice a lot. And I’ve learned that I’m okay with that. Like as long as we’re not like. Like saying mean things to each other. It’s just more like all this emotion is inside and it just comes out in a raised volume. And it’s not meant as disrespect.

He was just flustered that he couldn’t do what he wanted to do or the schedule changed or whatever it was. And so I’ve really learned too that that is a trigger for me, how people judge me and, oh, well you’re a peaceful parent and yet your child raises his voice like. Is it really working to, I feel so much more connected with my son because I can understand why he’s being triggered.

I can understand why I’m being triggered and how to like work through that. Yes. Which may look differently to people. Like for my mom, it’s not okay ever to raise your voice in my mind. In my mind as a parent now I’m thinking like, no, I understand why he raised his voice. He was agitated. I need to help him with that.

Just like I need to work on my own tone and I’m okay with that. So I really, I think, grown in my confidence as a parent when I see those other people judging and I’m like, no, wait. This is okay. Yeah, that is a beautiful example of, uh, working through the identity and turning it around. I would say. First of all, that’s why we call it the peaceful parent.

Not the peaceful kid. ’cause the kid has the underdeveloped brain. Right. And when I hear you tell that story, Viv, as a side note, what I hear is your son is signaling to you with the tone, with the volume. I am dysregulated and I’m asking for help. Right, right. That’s what he’s saying. When a kid is yelling, and I agree with you, Malcolm yells occasionally too, and it’s never.

At me or unkind or aggressive, it is, I am signaling in the worst way, the loudest way that I need help with something that’s going on and that I’ve moved from green, yellow, orange, red, I’m in red and I’m signaling parent that I need help. And because you’ve worked through the social standing trigger, especially in front of your mom.

She did her comments to him did not pull you into your middle brain and get dysregulated. You were able to stay in your higher brain and say, thank you, mom. But he really isn’t being disrespectful. He’s communicating in a loud way. Yes. And we, we allow this in our house and you know what else? I love the side note.

The fact that you understand you are a loud volume communicator when dysregulated, if you, you would be a hypocrite to be a loud volume communicator and not let him not let him, right? That would be confusing to him. He, your kid would grow up thinking, oh, well the person with the power gets to be loud.

The person without the power can’t be loud or they get in trouble. Therefore, I want to grow up to have the power, and then that would translate in a family to the oldest, yelling at the youngest all the time because the oldest has power over the youngest, or yelling at people at school or yelling at friends to assert a power that he’s trying to have because the parent is allowed to yell, but the kid isn’t.

Yeah, that’s a hundred percent spot on. Right. Well done. Well done. Working that through that social, standing within your own family. That’s, that’s great. So what I’m hearing is how social standing triggers make us parent for the audience instead of parenting for our child. Like goal moment here. Yeah. And social standing, because Viv could have easily turned around.

And felt the support of her mother, or felt the shame of her mother and turned around and said, you know, son, don’t talk to me like that. And the son would’ve been like, but I talked to you like this at home. Right? So when you understand your social triggers, you’re less likely to be performative for the audience you know, and more likely to be able to parent the child in front of you who’s struggling in that moment.

Right. So it might be in the morning saying, okay, you know what? Like Erin did this morning, let’s take a deep breath and have a do-over, and if we’re five minutes late for school once, we’re gonna be okay. Let me see what my kid needs. Maybe my kid needs a hug this morning. Maybe my kid needs help finding the shoes.

Right? Viv resisted the urge to perform in front of her mother to abandon her peaceful parenting beliefs, which ironically include that when her son is dysregulated, he gets to. Communicate at a loud volume that that is peacefulness. She didn’t abandon that to perform in front of her mother for her mother’s approval.

That is such a brilliant example because here’s the truth. The people who matter will understand kids are learning and growing, and the people who judge their opinions say more about them than you. That’s what happens. And inside the hive, parents often say. This is one of the most freeing realizations that they don’t have to parent for.

Show that they can parent for connection, which is what Viv and Aaron both just beautifully illustrated the one outfit every day, right? That’s parenting for connection, that’s accepting it, and then celebrating when there’s laundry, which I’m sure she never thought she would say. I love laundry. Right? So that’s a beautiful example.

So now let’s move into the third category, which is loss triggers. And these are some of the most painful because they activate grief. Not always the big kind, but these little micro griefs, the fantasy of how it was supposed to go. Unraveling bit by bit. Research on grief often calls these ambiguous losses.

They’re not obvious. But they still ache. So Trina, tell us about a moment in your kids’ behavior that triggered the sense of loss, maybe losing control, connection, or the family vision you dreamed of. I think what comes up for me here is, uh, not necessarily one specific time, but a loss of agency. Like, I could even be fully anticipating doing something for my child, like their laundry.

But as soon as it became. The expectation if, if I felt like they expected me to do that, I no longer wanted to do it. That loss of agency, that loss of being able to be the one to say, this is what I’m gonna do if I’m about to go do the dishes, and my husband says to me, you know, those dishes need to be done.

I immediately don’t wanna do ’em anymore. I no longer have the agency to make that choice. Right. Yeah. And so I. Now I have, uh, my youngest possibly on the autistic spectrum, the autism spectrum, with a profile of PDA. They do not like being told what to do. Right. And understanding that trigger in myself and that like taking away their agency because you’re nagging them to do something makes them not wanna do it that much more.

I have so much more compassion for them now because I’m able to see it myself through the coaching and the, and the thinking about, you know, so that, that loss of agency for me is a big one. That brings up a lot of anger and frustration. I totally get that. Yeah. And being in control is probably underlying that as well, right?

Being in control. Yeah, having it all together. I identify as someone who is in control, who has it together, who anticipates things. So the loss of agency probably also really taps into a fear of loss of control coming from a chaotic childhood. I think we find safety and control. As adults. Yeah. And so, yeah, so when, yeah, it all ties together for sure.

Yeah. I know for me, as Malcolm has grown up, you know, and I think about the first day I brought him home from the hospital, how in charge and responsible I was to all the way now to having a 21-year-old who really identifies as being an autonomous, proud kid who wants to do everything on his own. There are a lot of micro griefs on not being in charge, not deciding what he’s gonna do, not knowing all of his friends, not, uh, being able to always help him with some of the things that he struggles with.

And I think that a sense of loss really is one of those triggers that comes up a lot for me. And I notice. The pain that it causes, and sometimes I also feel very triggered by a lack of connection. Malcolm is at about the age that I really lost all connection with my father and his side of the family.

And when Malcolm and I have a disagreement over something, when I want him to do something that he’s clearly not going to do, or he makes a decision that I don’t completely agree or understand, and we get into some conflict over it, because conflict is a natural part of any relationship. When we get into conflict, I immediately get scared that the relationship is gonna end.

And I get triggered by it, and I get into a state sometimes of almost a little bit of panic, and then as soon as my higher brain says, you’re panicking not over what’s actually going on, you’re panicking over the fear of losing the relationship. I can begin to calm myself down. I can begin to regulate. I know that we will not lose our relationship.

In the middle of conflict. I know that we are connected, but my initial instinct is to panic over the fear of the relationship. And I think this is an example of where this third category, just a, a fear of a loss of some kind can often trigger us into having a bigger reaction. Then required or necessary, or we would like, right.

A bigger reaction over what’s going on in the moment. And then we end up parenting from that fear instead of just saying, do I really care that my daughter wears the same outfit every day? I mean, I don’t like it, but I don’t really care. Right. I don’t need to project that. She’s gonna be 35 and wearing the same outfit every day, living under a bridge at the shopping cart.

Right? Or that my son is never gonna not be able to not yell at people when things don’t go his way. Or in my case that if I disagree with Malcolm about something, the relationship is gonna end. When we can see how this category is affecting us, we can come and parent in the present moment instead of parenting to the fear or trying to.

Control the other human to alleviate the fear. Right. Viv, does that, does that resonate with you? Definitely. The parenting from the fear, so one of my childhood wounds is that I wasn’t heard and I have four kids and so my third one, um, 10-year-old son. He’s tends to be quieter. And so I have this fear of like, he’s not going to be heard and he will have that wound, which I have that I’m working on and I of course wanna like snowplow and get in front of it.

And there was a story just recently where, um. I had bought my younger son a toy from the store. He was with me and I just, you know, bought a toy for him. Well, the other son came home and he saw that his brother had a toy and he was really upset. And the 7-year-old came downstairs and said, you know, 10-year-old is really upset.

And I was like, okay, tell him to come down. And I realized the trigger in me, ’cause I was like. It doesn’t matter that I bought him a toy like you should, I just got you something the other day when you came with me to the store. Like, that should count. Like now we’re just comparing. But I was able to catch myself before he came down and so he came down and I said, you know, are you upset that he got, you know, this toy, this, these.

Ninja swords, and he said yes. He said, I, I’m upset that he got something and I didn’t because you got me gum at the store, but Mom, I can’t blow bubbles with this gum. And I’m like, my brain was like. We’re crying over gum that doesn’t blow bubbles. Like I had no idea. And normally I would’ve tried to just jump in and try to just be like, well, you should be grateful that I got you something.

And instead I slowed down enough to listen to him and realize like, we’re crying because the gum doesn’t blow bubbles. And you know, this is something that I can fix. But I didn’t fix it in the moment. I just let him talk. And he even cried about it. I’m like, wow, we’re really, we’re really wrapped up in this.

Bubble gum thing, but I was just so proud of myself in that parenting moment of I stopped and I listened to him and was completely surprised by what he said because it’s not what my thoughts were about. Why he was upset wasn’t the swords, it was the bubble gum and just being able to hear him and that.

That’s big, you know, in a very small way. But just that connection. ’cause I always fear not having that connection with one of my kids, um, and not having them being heard, you know, specifically by me. That is a beautiful example because when you slow down and you don’t fear, he’s not gonna be heard. What you were able to hear.

Was not jealousy or ungratefulness. It was disappointment that the choice I made doesn’t match my reality. So your son was having a trigger of grief of not blowing bubbles and when he is, probably what happened is when he saw his younger brother thoroughly enjoying the ninja sword, thoroughly enjoying his choice, he was able to reflect that.

His gum choice wasn’t blowing bubbles. And what he was telling you is, I’m disappointed that I can’t blow bubbles. And you just gave him all that space to experience that and feel that. That’s just, that. That’s beautiful. That’s great. Anyone else have a story to share about the trigger of loss? Erin, anything you wanna add here?

Um, you know, I am sitting here thinking, you know, trying to think of a good example. I think the biggest one for me is my girls fighting because I like my brother and I growing up did not have a good relationship and even now, like we can only handle each other in small doses, and I’ve learned that when my kids fight, I feel the loss of.

My, like I always wanted a sister and I always thought we would be best friends. And the reason I didn’t get along with my brother was ’cause he was a boy and you know, we just fought because we were different. And I had this idea in my head. Having two girls, oh my gosh, they’re gonna be best friends.

They’re gonna love each other and they’re gonna, you know, play together. And they’re, you know, had this whole wonderful idea and that is not what happened. So when they fight, or argue or bicker or whatever level of not getting along, it really like, it triggers me that they’re not. Being who I imagined them to be together.

It’s big and it’s still something I’m still working on and being okay with them not always getting along because they are human and they are their own people and they don’t have to get along. You know, they, we have to be nice to each other and treat each other with respect, but they don’t have to be best friends just because they’re sisters.

And that’s something that Lisa has helped me with in the Hive and. Seeing that, you know, other kids, other people’s kids don’t always get along either. Like it’s not normal for kids to not to get along 24 7. So, well, what I’m hearing is I lo I’m so glad, I’m so glad, Erin, you shared that example. You guys have had amazing examples that really hit the mark and what I’m hearing is the real issue isn’t the fighting amongst the girls, it’s grieving.

A vision that doesn’t match reality, right? Yes. You had a fantasy. I had a brother. We got along, but I wanted a sister. Now I’m gonna give these two girls sisters, and it’s supposed to be like Polly pockets, braiding hair, holding hands, dressing alike, getting along. And the reality is, is that they’re learning to work conflict out amongst themselves.

They’re learning to find their voice. They each have, they have very different opinions. They are different people. And what, when you see. That, oh, I’m not only getting triggered by the quote fighting, but I’m getting triggered by the loss of the fantasy that I had. You can let them grow while also just showing up for them and what they will grow up to be based on how you’re showing up.

Erin, is world class conflict resolvers. They’re getting a masterclass in how to negotiate compromise. State your opinion, have an opinion, work things out like you are raising girls that are gonna go out into the world and be amazing leaders because you’re giving them the space to work all this out.

Yeah, it’s a very healing part of this work we do as parents. Thank you for sharing that example. ’cause I, I think it hits the mark incredibly. So now let’s bring it all together. Triggers aren’t about our child being difficult or our kids, they’re about our psychology getting activated and neuroscience shows us that even just labeling our triggers reduces the intensity.

The amygdala response, it literally calms your nervous system, literally, as Trina and Viv and Erin have done a great job of illustrating today, when you identify the trigger, whether it’s kids fighting or your mother telling your son to stop being disrespectful, or the agency that’s being banted back and forth in Trina’s home like a tennis ball, it literally calms your nervous system.

So what I heard today, and I hope you did too, listener, what I heard from the beautiful examples that Viv, Aaron and Trina shared is the magic isn’t in never getting triggered. It’s in noticing it sooner. It’s in naming it and choosing differently, and that’s the work we practice together. As you’ve heard today in the hive, the real time awareness, real tools and real support so that you can parent from your values instead of your wounds.

So y’all know I love to give homework assignment every week. So this week’s homework is pretty simple. Listener. Before you react to your child, pause and ask, what am I really afraid of here? What’s triggering me? Is it identity, social standing, or loss? Try the phrase one of our parents shared in the hive recently.

This is about my trigger, not my child. Say it to yourself when you feel the heat rising. Neuroscience shows the naming your trigger literally helps reengage your thinking or CEO brain. It helps it come back online. And if you want the tool, strategies and support to really make this stick, then you know what I’m gonna say?

Come join us inside the hive. It’s where parents just like you, learn how to regulate their triggers, stay connected to their values. Transform their family dynamics just like Trina, Viv and Aaron have shared with us today. Listen, you don’t have to do this alone, so run, don’t walk, run to the hive coaching.com and come join us.

I wanna give a sincere thank you today to Trina, Erin, and Viv, for sharing so openly and so. Vulnerably with us so that we could hear your stories and see the examples and have our own transformation. Thank you each for being here. I’m so grateful for your time and your stories and your support that you provide.

Happy to do it. I just wanna thank you, Lisa, for guiding us because I know my family is on a different trajectory than it would’ve been. Had we not encountered you in peaceful parenting and just all the tools that we get to put in our tool belt in order to be able to have that connection with our kids and parent in the way that we really truly wanna parent.

So thank you, Lisa. Yes, I agree with Viv. You’ve really changed how I parent and even through my working on. Being a peaceful parent, I’ve noticed changes in my husband and the way he reacts, and it’s just been a ripple effect that I could not be more grateful for. Oh, well thank you Erin. And I will say I love that you both said that.

And I wanna also say Erin is a good example of how it just takes one parent in the family, the rising tide that lifts the boat. And just as much as I talk about modeling. For our kids. We can also model a new way of showing up for our co-parent, which I know Trina and Viv do as well. So even if your co-parent is not jiggy with joining the hive or isn’t on board with FE parenting, you can be the rising tide that lifts all boats within your family as these three moms.

Our evidence of. So thank you for sharing that, and again, it was a pleasure to have you all here today and listener. Until next time, I’m wishing you Peaceful Parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com.

See you soon.