Ep #265: Not Every Hill Is Worth Dying On: How to Choose the Parenting Battles That Matter

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. I am so grateful to be with you here today, and I wanna tackle the question I hear all the time in coaching today, Lisa, which battles should I actually fight? Because here’s what might be happening in your house right now. Your kid wants to wear shorts in 30 degree weather.

Do you fight this? They want to eat dessert before dinner. Do you hold firm? They’re refusing to do homework. Is this the hill to die on? They won’t brush their teeth without a 20 minute argument. Do you force it and you’re standing there thinking, wow, if I hold firm on every single one of these, then I’m the bad guy all day and I’m exhausted.

But if I let everything slide, then I lose all authority and I’m not really parenting. Yeah, and you waffle between feeling exhausted from fighting every battle and feeling terrified that you’re becoming a pushover or worse, a permissive parent. Well, if this is you, here’s what I want you to know right from the start.

Not every boundary deserves the same energy because some hills aren’t worth dying on, and some are. And if you don’t develop a framework. For deciding which is which you’ll be exhausted from fighting the battles that don’t matter, while letting the important things slide. So today I’m going to give you a decision framework you can actually use no more second guessing yourself at 3:00 AM Wondering if you’re being too harsh or too lenient.

Just clarity today. So let’s dive in. Let me paint a picture of what it looks like when parents try to hold firm on everything. Everything. It’s early morning and your 7-year-old comes downstairs wearing a shirt with a small stain on it, and you say, go change your shirt. That one has a stain on it. And your kid says, but I like this shirt.

And you say it’s dirty. Pick a new one. And the 15 minute battle ensues. And then. You get home after school that afternoon, it’s homework time. And you say, sit at the table to do your homework, and your kid says, I wanna do it on the couch. And you say, sit at the table. That’s the rule. And then there’s another 20 minute battle over where to do homework.

And then later at bedtime you tell your kid, brush your teeth, and your kid says, I did it this morning. You say you have to brush twice a day, your teeth are gonna fall out, you’re gonna get cavities, I’m gonna have to take you to the dentist, and another giant battle explodes. By the end of that day, you’ve had 12 separate battles, over 12 separate things, and you’re exhausted.

Your kid is exhausted. There has been little to no connection with lots of battles, and frankly, you may not even remember what half of them are about. This is what I call everything matters parenting, and it’s destroying your energy and your relationship and your connection with your kid or kids because here’s what happens when you try to enforce every boundary with the same intensity.

You run out of energy, you run into decision fatigue. I mean, let’s be honest, you only have so much parenting fuel in a day. If you spend it all on the shirt stain, you have nothing left over for the big stuff and your child stops taking you seriously when everything is a big deal, nothing is a big deal.

Your child can’t distinguish between. This matters a lot, and this matters a little because they have an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. The other problem with trying to enforce every boundary with the same intensity is the relationship suffers. If every action is a battle, there’s little to no space for connection and compromise and your child finding their own voice.

Instead, you become the enforcer of everything and that leads to you losing perspective. You start treating small things, shirt stains with the same urgency is big things, safety, respect, and values. Let me tell you about a dad in the hive named Joe. Joe came to coaching, completely burned out. He was fighting with his 9-year-old son about everything.

The way he tied his shoes, the order he did his homework, how he organized his backpack. You’re gonna recognize this one, whether he wore a jacket, what he ate for a snack. Every single thing became a power struggle between Joe and his son. When I asked him, which of these things actually matters to you, he paused.

He said, I don’t know anymore. I just feel like if I let anything go, I’ll lose control. This is the trap so many of us parents fall into. We think holding firm on every boundary equals good parenting, but actually holding firm on everything equals exhausted parenting with diminishing return and little connection.

Your strong-willed kid especially, will push back on every boundary if they’re all delivered with the same intensity, because to them you’re being unreasonable. You’re fighting about the shirt stains the same way you’re fighting about safety, and they’re looking to control some things in their lives and they can’t tell or verbalize what actually matters.

So here’s the truth I want you to hear today. Choosing which battle or which hill to die on isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom. It’s strategic parenting. It’s knowing where to spend your limited energy so it has the maximum impact. So how do you actually decide which battles to fight? Well, here’s your framework.

I’m gonna give you six questions to ask before you dig into a boundary. And these are really good. Questions to incorporate when sitting down and deciding a boundary or a limit to enforce in your household. Question number one, safety is anyone’s physical or emotional safety at risk. Now, this is your non-negotiable filter.

If the answer is yes, you hold the line every time. No exceptions, right? So wearing a seatbelt is safety and non-negotiable. Running in the street. Safety, non-negotiable, hitting siblings. Safety, emotional and physical. Non-negotiable. Staying out all night with no check-in. Safety, non-negotiable, but wearing shorts and cold weather when you’ll be inside most of the day.

I don’t know. I don’t see it as a safety issue. I say you could let it go. Eating dessert before dinner, occasionally. Not a safety issue. Pick your battle. So if safety is genuinely at risk, the answer is always hold firm. No more questions need to be asked, no framework needed. Question two, regarding values.

Does this align with your family’s core values? What are your three to five values that matter most to your family? Maybe it’s respect, responsibility, kindness, honesty, following through. What you say you’ll do, or maybe it’s connection, independence, curiosity, or maybe it’s integrity or taking care of your body.

Whatever your values are, use them as a filter. If a boundary is directly connected to a core value, it’s worth holding. So here are some examples. If respect is a value, then how your kid speaks to you matters. If responsibility is a value, falling through on your commitments matters. But if health is not a top value, the exact vegetables they eat may not be a hill you die on.

When boundaries align with your family’s core values, your child learns what matters most in your family, and that clarity is powerful. Question number three, capacity. Do I have the energy to follow through right now? This is one. Parents hate to admit it matters, but it does. If you don’t have the capacity to follow through consistently, don’t start the battle because starting a boundary battle and then caving midway through is worse than not setting it at all.

If it’s 8:45 PM and you’re exhausted and your child refuses to pick up toys. Let it go for tonight. Address it in the morning when you have the energy. If you’re sick and your kid wants a snack, 20 minutes for dinner, maybe say, yes, just this once. This isn’t weakness. This is self-awareness. You can say, tonight, we’re letting this go tomorrow.

The exception is back in place. Question number four, pattern. Is this a one time thing or part of a bigger pattern? One time things let ’em go. Patterns, address ’em. Example, your kid forgets their homework once, one time, let it go. Your kid forgets their homework three times this week. A pattern. We need to look at this, talk about it, and figure out about boundary patterns, reveal deeper issues.

One-time things are just life. Question number five, regarding relationships. Will holding this boundary strengthen or damage our connection long term. Now, this one is nuanced. Sometimes the truth is holding a boundary strengthens a relationship because the child learns you’re reliable and trustworthy, and sometimes holding a boundary about something small damages the relationship because you’re being rigid and focusing on behavior over something that doesn’t matter.

Some examples might be your child wants to skip their chores today because they’re genuinely overwhelmed. Letting it go might strengthen trust because your kid might realize, my parents sees me. Your child wants to skip chores every day because they don’t feel like it. Holding firm strengthens the relationship long term because your kid learns that.

My parents help me be responsible and follow through on my commitments. Maybe your teenager wants to dye their hair purple. Letting this go builds trust and autonomy, whereas your teenager wanting to get a tattoo at age 15 holding firm protects them from permanent decisions they might regret down the line.

So maybe a question to ask yourself is, five years from now, will my kid remember that I held firm here? Will they remember with gratitude or resentment? That’s how you can tease out the nuance here. And then question number six is regarding the developmental stage. And I want you to ask yourself, is this expectation age appropriate?

Some battles aren’t worth fighting because they’re developmentally unrealistic. Like expecting a 3-year-old to sit through a two hour event, not developmentally appropriate. You gotta let that go. Expecting a 3-year-old not to hit when they’re angry, developmentally appropriate to teach. So we hold the boundary expecting a 13-year-old to keep their room spotless at all times.

I don’t know, maybe not realistic. Pick different battles. Expecting a 13-year-old to speak respectfully and guiding them with a do-over to speak respectfully, developmentally appropriate. You hold firm with that every time. Because here’s what I know. If you’re fighting against normal child development, you’ll lose every time.

So let me share a story about Malcolm that illustrates his framework in action. When Malcolm is 10, he went through a phase where he wanted to wear the same hoodie every single day. Like every single day. I’m not kidding you, the same gray hoodie. And I had to ask myself these six questions. Because if I’m honest, it bothered me.

Why is he wearing the same hoodie every day? So I asked myself, is it a safety issue? No, it’s not. Is it connected to our values? No, not really. Is it a capacity issue? Do I wanna fight about a hoodie every morning? No. That it’s definitely not how I wanna start my day. Is it a pattern? Yes, but it’s not a harmful pattern.

It’s just a phase. Is it about our relationship? Fighting about this would damage connection over something small. For some reason, this was really important to him. Developmental. Is it totally age appropriate for a 10-year-old to have strong clothing preferences? Yes. Yes, it is. I have a kid who really values autonomy and I could see that this was him reaching for control, so I made a decision to let it go.

I also decided to put some boundaries around it. So I said to him, you can wear this hoodie as much as you want, and it needs to be washed twice a week. You decide which days. So he wore that hoodie for three months straight, and we washed it twice a week on Sundays and Wednesdays, and we didn’t have any battles over it.

We put our emphasis on making sure it was washed twice a week. Then one day he just stopped wearing it and moved on to something else. If I had made that a battle, we would’ve fought about that every single day. For months. For what? For what? It didn’t make me less of a parent because he wore the same hoodie every day, and occasionally parents would comment on it and I would just say, Hmm.

I was able to see that it mattered to him. It was not a hill I needed to die on. What I needed to do was put the boundary in place that we were gonna wash the hoodie twice a week. Now, here’s a contrasting story. Around the same time Malcolm’s grades in math were slipping, not failing, not dropping, but slipping.

So I ran through the framework again regarding the math grade slipping. Safety. No, not immediate, but long-term academic success affects future opportunities. Values, well, responsibility and following through on commitments are core values in our family. So yes, capacity, yes. I had the energy to follow through on this and I realized it mattered to me and his father.

Pattern, definitely a pattern developing over several weeks. Relationship holding firm here would strengthen long-term because I was showing him that I cared about his future. Developmental, absolutely age appropriate to expect effort in school and in homework. So my decision was to hold the line and we set up a boundary.

If grades drop below BS in any subject, no gaming during the week. He was allowed to game on the weekends, but no gaming during the week until the grade came back to a B or above. Now, let me tell you, this kid pushed back. He was upset and I held firm while acknowledging his feelings. And you know what? By the time he was in high school, he had internalized this value he had managed in high school, his own gaming time around schoolwork.

Without me saying a word. Same parent. Same kid. Two different decisions based on the framework. One battle I let go, one battle I fought, and both decisions that I made were right for our family. Had I battled the gray hoodie at the same time I was battling the math homework, it would’ve been a disaster for all of us because frankly, I didn’t have.

That much energy to put into both battles. Can you see this? Okay. Let me walk you through this framework with common scenarios at different ages. So let’s look at preschoolers. So you might consider letting go of what they wear unless it’s truly weather inappropriate for safety. Where you might hold firm is no biting, no hitting or hurting.

Others where you might consider letting go is them eating every vegetable on their plate. Where you might hold firm is sitting at the table during meals because you value family connection and fellowship. Elementary school kids, you might consider letting go how they organize their backpack as long as they can find things, even if there’s food wrappers and papers out of folders inside the backpack.

As long as they can find things where you might hold firm is speaking respectfully. When they’re dysregulated because it centers around the value of respect. Where you might consider letting go is whether they make their bed every day. And where you might hold firm is completing homework before any screen time because we value getting work done before playtime.

Let’s look at tweens between the ages of 11 and 13. What you might consider letting go is their fashion choices. Even if you think they look ridiculous because they don’t match where you might hold firm is that their clothes cover their body in a way that feels appropriate when they leave the house.

Where you might consider letting go is the exact method they use to organize their time. Where you might hold firm is no phones after 8:00 PM on school nights because you value health downtime. Their mental health and getting enough rest in the teenage years where you might let go is something like hair color or how many piercings they have in their ears because it’s a temporary example of self-expression where you might hold firm, or I would say definitely hold firm is no drinking and driving or riding with impaired drivers because this is a safety issue and it’s completely non-negotiable.

What you might let go is whether they eat when they come to the dinner table, but require them to come for 20 minutes of fellowship at least two nights a week. What you might hold firm is contributing to household chores because you value pitching in and responsibility. Can you see the pattern? The hold firm boundaries connect to safety and or core values.

The let it Go items are about control. Preferences that don’t really matter long term, but what can you do when you run through the framework and you’re still not sure? Well, here are three tiebreakers. Number one, when in doubt connect. First. Decide later. If you’re not sure whether this is something worth fighting over pause, say something like, let me think about this.

I’ll give you my answer in 10 minutes or tomorrow, and then run through the framework. Make an intentional decision instead of reactive one. Tiebreaker number two, ask yourself, will this matter in five years? If the answer is no, it’s probably not worth the battle. Did it matter in five years of Malcolm Moore Gray hoodie every day?

It really didn’t. Does it matter if he makes his bed every day? It really doesn’t. Will it matter in five years if they wore mismatched socks? No. Will it matter in five years that you held firm on respectful communication? Probably yes. Yes. Tiebreaker. Number three, consider your kid’s currency. What matters most to your specific kid right now?

If they’re going through a hard transition, a new school loss or change, maybe you let the smaller things go while holding firm on big stuff. If they’re in a season of testing everything, maybe you choose two to three non-negotiables and release the rest. You know your child well, so use that knowledge.

Here’s your homework this week. Assignment number one, identify your top three to five family values. Write ’em down. Put ’em in the notes section of your phone because these can become your filter for, is this battle worth fighting? And every family has different values. Some families value health and exercise while others don’t.

Some families value not eating processed food, others don’t. Some families value lots of fellowship together as a family. Others don’t. When you identify your three to five top family values, and listen, I’m not talking about a scroll of 27. If I asked you to narrow it down to the top three, that’s what I want you to do here.

Really narrow it down so you can use this to decide which battles you’re gonna fight and which you aren’t. Assignment number two, the battle audit. This week before you engage with the battle with your kid, run through the six questions. Safety values, capacity pattern, or one-time relationship impact and developmentally appropriate.

If it doesn’t pass at least three of these filters, consider letting it go. Just consider it for a moment. What would happen if I let this go? If my kid wants to wear shorts to school every day in fifth grade, even in the winter, can I let it go? Does it matter? Is it gonna a matter of five years from now?

Is it a safety issue? I mean, is it really, I think there are studies out there that prove that we don’t get less sick when we wear less clothes. Or isn’t an autonomy issue, or is it about him trying to fit in with his peers or look cool? Can you give him that? Can you give him that? Is it gonna matter five years from now?

Really? Question. If it doesn’t pass at least three of these filters, consider letting it go. And then assignment number three, track your energy. I want you to notice which battles drain you most, and are those battles, those actually connected to your values? Are you fighting about shirt stains or when your kid has a snack or are you battling things that really matter, like exercise or.

Choosing healthy snacks or speaking respectfully to their siblings, or being in fellowship on game night. As a family where you spend your energy should align with what matters most to you and your values. This is a total game changer. Okay, here’s what I want you to take away from today. You don’t have to fight every battle.

In fact, you shouldn’t. Strategic parenting isn’t about being permissive, it’s about being intentional. It’s knowing exactly which hills are worth dying on and which ones you can walk around the math homework versus the gray hoodie. When you use this framework, I promise you something amazing happens. The battles you do fight become more effective because you’re not exhausted from fighting everything and your kid learns what really matters most.

Because the boundaries are clear and consistent and enforced with kindness and firm, your relationship improves because you’re not the battle all day parent anymore. You’re the parent who holds firm on what matters and releases what doesn’t. That’s wisdom. That’s peaceful authority. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Until next time, I’m wishing you Peaceful Parenting.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.