Ep #187: From Catastrophe to Calm: A Parent’s Guide

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so happy to be with you because today we’re going to dive into a topic that I believe affects many of us as parents and it’s catastrophizing. We’ll discuss what it is and how it impacts our parenting. And most importantly, how to overcome it in today’s episode.

So let’s dive in.

Understanding and ending catastrophizing is a critical part of self regulation. In our journey as parents, learning to manage our thoughts and emotions can significantly improve how we respond to our children. Let me say that again. Learning to manage our thoughts and our emotions can significantly improve how we respond to our children.

When we allow our minds to spiral into worst case scenarios, we often find ourselves getting triggered and reacting out of fear and anxiety rather than responding with calm and clarity. And as we strive towards self regulation in 2024, the year of self regulation, addressing catastrophizing is both important and timely.

By working on this cognitive distortion, we can better serve ourselves and our families. And this episode aims to equip you with the tools to recognize and combat catastrophizing, ultimately leading to more peaceful and balanced parenting. And as your parent coach, I’m here to help you as much as I possibly can.

Let me ask you, do you come from a long line of warriors, catastrophizers, over planners and anticipators? I know I sure do. And if I’m totally honest with you, this is one of my biggest challenges in parenting. My mind often jumps ahead, wandering into judgment and leading to fear and anger, which always causes dysregulation. Sometimes even before I realize it, I’m down that black hole of worst case scenarios, filling in the blanks with dark, unsuccessful thoughts.

This, my friend, is known as catastrophizing. And this was modeled for me nonstop growing up. I come from a long line of professional catastrophizers. I hated it growing up. It made me very feel fearful. I hated it growing up and it made me fearful of almost everything as a child. And I can see now, I hated it growing up because it made me fearful of almost everything. And I noticed this when Malcolm was really little, that my mind was catastrophizing nonstop and I made a full commitment to work on this and rid it of fear.

The problem with catastrophizing is that it prompts us to jump to the worst possible conclusion, usually with very limited information or objective reason to despair. When a situation is upsetting, but not necessarily catastrophic, it can still feel like a crisis.

I get it. I’ve been there, and sometimes I’m still there. As I said earlier, I’m prone to catastrophizing. Often jumping to the worst possible outcome in seconds. Over the years, I’ve spent countless hours focusing on the worst happening. Has this ever been beneficial? No. Catastrophizing is never, ever, ever helpful. Ever. Even if the worst were to happen, why would we start experiencing the negative effects before it has actually happened?

In the majority of cases, the worst never happens. But for a period of time, it’s as if it has, because we’re tormented by the mere thought of it. And here’s what I know for sure. Catastrophizing is emotionally and physically draining. It saps our energy and leaves us feeling exhausted. And in the majority of the cases, since the worst never happens, all of our energy is drained, leaving us with nothing left to effectively deal with the situation right in front of us.

You feel me? Have you ever caught yourself spiraling into worst case scenarios? The question to ask ourselves is, how did you feel? But even more importantly, how does that worst case scenario thinking impact your interaction with your kids.

I know for me it triggers me and I’m dysregulated a hundred percent of the time. So let me share with you some examples of catastrophizing while parenting kids at different ages and really look to see if you can relate to this or you, if you can see yourself in the exact example. Or a similar example to what I’m sharing.

So your toddler has a tantrum in the grocery store and your mind races to thoughts like if they don’t learn how to behave now, they’ll grow up to be out of control. And just if they don’t learn how to behave now, they’re going to grow up and be out of control and disrespectful. And they’ll never learn any discipline.

That’s catastrophizing, my friend. Maybe your elementary age child brings home a bad report card or a bad mark on the report card or a note from the teacher. And you immediately think, Oh my goodness, they’re going to fail school, never get into college, never be successful at holding down a job and end up living under a bridge with a shopping cart.

That was my go-to with Malcolm for many, many, many years. Every time something in school was a challenge. Maybe you realize your tween isn’t turning their homework in. There’s three or four missing assignments in the system that you happen to look into after not looking for a couple of weeks. You panic and immediately catastrophize with thoughts of, They’re irresponsible and lazy. They’re never going to be able to succeed in life. That is catastrophizing.

Maybe your teen misses curfew. Your mind immediately jumps to, oh, I know they’re getting into trouble and they’re hanging out with the wrong crowd and they’re going to end up in serious trouble or worse and make nothing of their lives. That is catastrophizing. You’re done. And finally, your young adult child struggles to have a job over the summer or before they graduate college or immediately after college.

And you start to think, they’re never going to find a job. They’re never going to be able to live on their own. They’re going to be living with me for the entire rest of my life.

So here’s the check in. Do any of these examples resonate with you? How often do you find yourself? Going to these worst case scenarios and getting triggered and reacting rather than pausing and responding. See, this is the real problem with catastrophizing. Not only does it drain us as the parent of our energy, both emotionally and physically, but when we get triggered from catastrophizing, we immediately go to react rather than pause and respond.

We get trapped in our emotional center and our middle brain and we go all ham on our kids. Sometimes we don’t even know what we’re saying, right? Have you been there? I know I have. So let me share with you some strategies and tips that are going to help you break the habit of catastrophizing if you relate to doing it occasionally, sometimes, or all the time.

And what I’m going to propose is four steps that are going to really help you break the habit of catastrophizing because that’s what it is. It’s a habit and, and maybe you have the habit because it was, it was modeled for you in your childhood, right? That certainly was my story. And if that’s true, it’s not your fault that you have the habit of catastrophizing.

But it is your responsibility to work on it. It is. And to model something different for your children and to break the habit of catastrophizing that a lot, that leads you to getting triggered, that leads you to react rather than pause and respond. Okay. So number one, I want you to recognize that you’re doing it and resist the urge.

The first step is to recognize when you’re starting to catastrophize. Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body. If you feel the tension, you feel it brewing, you feel your heart racing, your mind jumping 40 steps ahead in mere seconds. Resist the urge to jump ahead. Train yourself to recognize what’s going on, right?

When we know better, we do better. Train yourself to break the habit and resist the urge to do it. Number two, stay present. Instead of jumping ahead, stay in the present moment. Ask yourself, what is happening right now? There’s missing assignments. My kid is melting down. My young adult is struggling to find a job.

My teenager missed curfew and I don’t know why yet. I’ll wait for them to get home. Stay in the present moment. Number three, challenge your thoughts. When you catch yourself catastrophizing, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself, what evidence do I have that this worst case scenario will happen? Is there a more likely, less catastrophic explanation?

My teen missed curfew because maybe the movie got out late or there was traffic or they dropped someone off. And I know they’ll explain it to me when they get home. My young adult will find a job. I’ll help them keep looking. We’ll talk about it. My kid is melting down in aisle six of the grocery store, but I remember my older kid doing that when they were little as well, and they outgrew it.

My elementary kid is struggling with math and not doing well in the assignments, but there’s plenty of time. to learn and catch up and get with the program. Really challenge your thoughts. And number four, develop coping skills. Over the years, I’ve developed skills, the ones I just mentioned for handling catastrophizing so it doesn’t consume me so that I’m not triggered so that I don’t go into reaction mode and instead I can pause and respond.

I also use mindfulness. Deep breathing and grounding exercises. I resist the urge to jump ahead. I tell my brain to focus only on the facts in the moment. And it has made a huge difference. You see, my brain, like yours, is imaginative. And I’ve had some pretty outlandish. You see, my brain, just like yours, It’s pretty creative and imaginative, especially in worst case scenarios.

I mean, I’ve had some pretty outlandish catastrophizing stories over the years and to be totally transparent with you. My brain still does it sometimes. I mean, I have a 20 year old in college, 1400 miles away from home. My brain still does it. It wants to do it just the Saturday night. I woke up in the middle of the night and I started catastrophizing as I was going to the bathroom thinking about what my son might be doing.

But the difference is I’ve learned. and develop skills for handling it so that I stop it as soon as I recognize it so it doesn’t consume me as it would have in the past. So I’m up in the middle of the night going to the bathroom and all of a sudden my brain starts thinking about what could, what something that could be happening to my son.

I have no evidence for this whatsoever. It’s just a random thought that popped into my brain that my brain wanted me to run with. And as soon as I recognized it, I just went, stop, stop. You’re catastrophizing. And it is 0. 0 percent helpful. And I just practiced this over and over and over again. I recognize and I resist the urge to keep going.

I stay present. I challenge my thoughts. I take a couple of deep breaths. I finished going to the bathroom and I’m right back in bed going back to sleep. So what are some ways that you can start challenging your own cat? So here’s your homework. What are some ways? So here’s your homework. Do you relate to this?

Do you often have your kids living under a bridge with a shopping cart? Do you recognize yourself in my stories? Do you see? The catastrophizing is not helpful, that it drains your energy. Do you see that it causes you to get triggered and go to react rather than pause and respond? It traps you in your middle brain when it would be much better to parent from a higher brain where you’re able to stay calm, creative, empathetic, and solutions based.

Yeah? This, I promise you, just the recognition of it is a total game changer. on the path to peaceful parenting. So your homework assignment is to really start to see and plot out some ways that you can challenge your own catastrophizing thoughts, challenge yourself to stay more present in the moment, challenge yourself to fight the urge to resist the habit of catastrophizing.

I know you can do it and it is a total game changer. So there you have it, real world peaceful parents. Catastrophizing can be a significant trigger. for anger, fear, and dysregulation in our parenting. But by listening to this episode today, naming it, understanding it, and then going forward, recognizing it, staying present, challenging your thoughts and developing coping skills.

You can manage this cognitive distortion. You can, I know you can, and you can create a more balanced and peaceful approach to your parenting. You’ve got this. I know it. And I would absolutely love to hear about your experiences with catastrophizing and any tips you have for overcoming it. You can share those with me on Instagram at the space, peaceful space parent, or you can send me an email: [email protected]. And if you found this episode super helpful or even mildly helpful, I would ask you to leave a review for me so others can find it and share it with your friends. It makes a huge difference when we share this kind of information with others that are struggling as well. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.