Ep #189: Calm in the Storm: How Co-Regulation Can Strengthen Your Bond With Your Kid(s)

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. I am so excited to be with you here today. Welcome. As you know, we’ve declared 2024 the year of self regulation. And as we turn to the second half of 2024, I want to let you know that I am committed more than ever to continue to bring you tools, support and ideas that help you improve the regulation in your family.

I got you. I’m here for you. And I will be with you every step of the way. So with that in mind, I’m going to ask you a question to kick off today’s episode. Have you ever felt like you’re about to lose it? Like really on the verge of losing it. And then someone comes along and just their mere presence helps you calm down and regulate.

Yes, that my friend is the magic of co regulation. And today we’re going to dive into this powerful concept And how it can help transform your parenting journey. You see, co regulation is an essential part of creating a peaceful and connected family. It’s about using our presence, our words, and our actions to help our children move from a state of distress to calm.

And today I’m going to help you unpack what co regulation is. and why it’s so important and how you can start practicing it today. I remember when I first learned about co regulation. I had not heard that term prior to Malcolm being about four years old. And it was a total game changer for me, for Malcolm and for David, because what I understood is that I was not offering Malcolm regulation when we were interacting and things weren’t going well and he was melting down and storming.

I was offering him co disregulation. I was upping the intensity. I was reactivating the storms for him. And it was an absolute game changer in my parenting to understand that I had the power. and the skills and the tools to offer my kid co regulation at any time. And I’ve been doing that for the last, however many years it’s been from the day I learned it to now and my kid’s 20.

And it is one of the things that connects us. And it is one of the tools that he’s absolutely learned not through me lecturing him and telling him about it, but me modeling regulation and offering co regulation. And I can’t wait to share these insights with you today. So let’s dig in. Okay. So in simple terms, co regulation is when someone you trust connects with you in a warm and empathetic way, helping you work the cortisol out of your body.

Move from your middle brain back to your higher brain and feel safe and regulated in the face of big emotions. And this can be accomplished through words, actions, or even just calm presence. When we’re feeling overwhelmed as humans, having someone there who’s in a regulated state in their higher brain can help shift our nervous system into our regulated state.

As parents, we kick off co regulation right from the get go as soon as we birth that baby. Think about those first few days, weeks, and months. The baby starts crying and fussing, And we swoop in, pick them up, hold them close to us, settle them with a pat and a shhh and a hug and a holding. And what’s actually happening in that moment.

When we pick up that baby, they are dysregulated. We offer them our calmness. We offer them our regulation. And they learn to co regulate. It’s a powerful lesson in emotional management. And in those early moments, it’s the beginning of our kids grasping and managing their own emotions, drafting off of our regulation that we’re offering them.

So at its heart, co regulation is about connecting, With a child who’s in distress, who’s in their middle brain, who’s secreting that cortisol through their body, whose central nervous system is dysregulated. So we’re connecting with a child who’s in distress and being able to help them in that moment by evaluating what they need and help teach them to calm themselves.

It requires us, the parent, to sync up with our kids and offer calm. Now, we have to be calm first to offer the calm. Oh, and that’s the hard part, but the so interesting, helpful, evolutionary part. It involves recognizing and responding to the other person’s emotional cues. So let me share an example with you.

Uh, one of my clients, let’s call her Jane, was having a tough day with their toddler. Things were not going well. We’ve all been there. The toddler was having meltdown after meltdown, having tantrums, wouldn’t put their shoes on, wouldn’t cooperate, saying no, storming, throwing themselves on the floor. Again, we’ve all been there.

And through the work that Jane has done with me, she recognized that her little one was overwhelmed, was having big emotions and needed assistance in regulating himself. So instead of her old way of doing it, of getting frustrated and telling him to cut it out and get over it, Jane took a couple of deep breaths.

Regulated herself first, then got down to her child’s level and spoke softly. She said, Oh, sweetheart, I can see you’re having a hard time. Come here. I’m here for you. She gently placed her hand on her child’s back. Stayed close and offered her calm presence. Gradually, over a few minutes, the toddler began to settle, feeling the comfort and safety in Jane’s calm demeanor.

This is co regulation in action. Co regulation helps build secure relationships. When we’re able to connect and calm each other, it strengthens the bond between us and our kids. It’s like creating a safety net where our kids get a chance to feel understood and supported. Now the tricky part of co regulation.

is that the parents have to recognize how they’re feeling and we have to be able to regulate our own emotions in difficult moments so that we can help our children gain these skills. And this is really where my journey started. When my son was really little, I was often dysregulated by his big emotions, by his storming, by his melting down.

And while trying to parent him completely dysregulated, I was trying to command or demand him to be regulated. My current self laughs at my old self. You know, I didn’t know any better, but what I was doing was definitely not working. And it may not be working for you either. So, the part here is that we have to get regulated first, and then be able to extend and offer some of our regulation to our child as though they’re drafting behind us.

The long term benefits of this, of learning the skill of modeling co regulation for our kids are huge. Kids who experience co regulation learn to manage their emotions better, studies show. They feel more connected and secure. Let me say that again. Kids who experience co regulation learn to manage their emotions better.

They feel more secure and connected. And as parents, we also benefit. When we model co regulation because we’re creating a more peaceful home environment. Co regulation offered on the regular to our children enables them to learn to handle stress better, resist immediate gratification, avoid ill informed behavior.

Hasty decisions, move and stick to plans, solve problems, adapt to challenges, and take healthy risks because they’re going to spend more time in their higher brain. And all of those skills that I just mentioned are capable, are possible when we spend more time in our higher brain are prefrontal cortex using our executive function.

Okay, this episode wouldn’t be complete if we didn’t talk about distress. All secure work relationships require us to tolerate a healthy amount of distress. It’s not about avoiding tough emotions, but learning to navigate them together, learning to slow down and stay connected. Even during those tough moments, this is a life changing skill.

This right here raises emotional intelligence. Let me share a personal story. Recently, Malcolm was home From break from college. He’s 20 and he’s a rising sophomore and he came home for a couple weeks and he was having a really, really, really tough day. We had a lot going on and I could tell he was stressed and frustrated.

He was being snappy, raising his voice and just really, really, really a grumpy Gus. And instead of reacting to his frustration, instead of letting myself get dysregulated like the old me would have and have a lot of really negative thoughts. Oh my God, he’s being so difficult and disrespectful. Why is he doing this?

I can’t believe it. I checked in with myself. I saw that I was getting dysregulated by his dysregulation. I took a deep breath. And I approached him calmly from a regulated place. I extended co regulation and I said, Hey, I can see your You’re having a tough time. Can we take a break? Can we go for a walk and talk about it?

So we went for a short little walk around the block. And while we were walking, I listened to him vent about what was bothering him. The whole time, my only goal was to stay calm and present and offer him co regulation. I validated his feelings without trying to fix the problem. I was just offering him co regulation.

As we made our journey around the block, I watched him start to regulate, relax, work the cortisol out of his body. And then he was able to figure out his next best move on his own when he got into his higher brain. That, my friends, is co regulation in action. Now, maybe some of you don’t know how to do this yet, and I totally get it.

I didn’t know how to offer co regulation either. You know, we’re supposed to learn this as a child from our parents or caregivers. But let’s be honest, not all of us got that training. We didn’t grow up in homes where someone was validating us. and offering us co regulation. Probably because they weren’t even regulated themselves.

So that we weren’t able to learn it. I know I sure didn’t learn it as a kid. I had to learn it as a parent. And that’s okay. It’s okay if you didn’t develop this skill. You’re not responsible for your upbringing. But you are accountable for your healing as an adult. And learning now how to co regulate so you can offer it to your kids.

So it’s not our fault we didn’t learn it, but it is our responsibility to take it on now and learn it and model it for our kids. And I know it’s totally possible. I’ve helped thousands of parents learn how to co regulate. And I know that if I can learn it and do it, you can learn it and do it. And I’m here for you.

I’ve got you. To learn it, we have to take active steps to learn and practice emotional regulation and co regulation. So here are four practical tips. That are going to start out by helping you get better at regulating your own emotions when your kids are losing it. And then we’ll talk about how to offer them the co regulation.

Step number one is really identify your triggers. Think about the situations that are likely to set you off. Is it when your kids are fighting? Is it when you feel stressed or late for somewhere? Is it when you feel behind? Is it at bedtime? Is it when your daughter is rolling her eyes? I know for me, it’s most likely to happen when I get surprised in my parenting or when my kid calls me up on the phone and says, Hey, I’ve got bad news.

Every single time I get triggered by this. So now I know the situations, the times and the places that are going to set me off and I can plan for it. Step two is identifying your patterns. Notice if there are reoccurring themes, like I tend to get really triggered when I get angry, or I tend to get really triggered when I feel unheard, or I tend to get really triggered when my kid tells me no, or I get really triggered when my older kid physically hurts my younger kid because I was the younger kid that was in pain all the time from my siblings hitting me.

Try to identify your patterns. These help you you. avoid or head off the getting triggered into emotional dysregulation yourself. And number three is practice pausing multiple times a day throughout the day. Just take a few seconds or a minute and check in with yourself. Check in with your body. Ask yourself, what am I feeling?

Set an intention that when I get triggered, can I pause and respond rather than react? That is a total game changer. These three steps right here. And then the fourth one is to check in and make sure you’re meeting your basic needs. Make sure you’re hydrated. You’re moving throughout the day. You’re eating well.

You’re getting enough rest. They sound so simple and easy and obvious, but what I will tell you is that when you do these things, you’re much more likely to respond rather than react when you get triggered. The pause is so much easier when we’re meeting our basic needs. Sound good? Okay, now here are the steps to co regulation.

Once you’re able to pause and regulate your own emotions, then you have something to extend and offer to your kids. So step one is always check in with yourself. That example I gave of Malcolm. I realized that his dysregulation was causing me to be dysregulated and step one was to take a deep breath and to really regulate myself and then go to him.

Observe that he’s dysregulated. Offer him co regulation. Validate his feelings. Be there with him to help him calm down by offering a kind word, a gentle touch, or merely just my presence and deep breathing with him. When you’re able to teach your kids to self regulate over time, they have a better emotional awareness.

and literacy, including ability to identify their emotions. They learn to self regulate and self soothe over time and take on that job themselves, which is where I’m at mostly with my kid now. Years and years and years of offering co regulation has built up his emotional regulation skills, and 90 percent of the time he can now self soothe and self regulate.

The secret sauce to regulating your emotions is practice and patience. Practice and patience for you as the parent and practice and patience for your kid as you offer them co regulation. Now listen, I’m fully aware that consistency is difficult, but it’s the key. It’s about showing up every day and trying your best, even when it feels hard, even when your kids are triggering you.

Even when you’ve had a poor night’s sleep, even when you skip lunch today, or you have no idea what you’re going to make for dinner, and you feel completely behind in your work. You just keep showing up and trying your best. It’s all about trial and error. And I beg you, beg you, please don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

Because each mistake is a learning opportunity. If you keep at this regulation and co regulation, over time, you will see improvements. I’ve had many clients. who felt like they were never going to get the hang of this. But with encouragement and practice and talking about the skills and the process to offer co regulation, they started seeing changes.

They felt more in control. The co regulation that they could offer their kids was more and more and more each time. Relationships improved, and a byproduct is that they felt even more connected to their kids. So let me share another example with you. Let’s say that there’s a 12 year old boy named David, and he’s tackling a writing assignment at the beginning of the school year.

He’s in his bedroom. He’s working at his desk. He doesn’t like to do homework as it is. And his mother noticed after school that day he seemed to be having a really rough day. But he’s in his bedroom trying to rush through his homework and get this writing assignment done. Suddenly, from the kitchen, his mother hears loud noises.

She marches into his bedroom and finds him throwing a stapler, a notebook, and a container of pens off his desk. While he’s yelling in a very angry, loud voice, What is wrong with me?! I suck at writing and I hate school! And then he puts his head down on his desk. And starts banging his head lightly on the desk.

Okay, let’s be honest, this is very dysregulating to David’s mother, witnessing all this. So she recognizes that first, and takes a couple seconds, while standing at the threshold of the door, to take a couple deep breaths, and tell herself, she is safe, and she can go help him. She knows that he needs help.

She recognizes, That he needs help calming down first. Not help being told he can write the paper. Not help being told he shouldn’t hate school. She doesn’t need to rush in there and tell him to just put his head down and get it done. She recognizes through the work we’ve done together that step one is she needs to help him regulate his Work the cortisol out of his body and bring his brain back on line.

So she herself takes a couple deep breaths and when she feels ready, she walks over to him. She whispers his name and she places her hand on his shoulder and she just stands there with him for a few seconds. Breathing and offering him her calm. David gradually starts sitting up in his chair. He looks at her and she says, I can tell how frustrated you are with the assignment.

It must be a really challenging one. And I know the last thing you want to do is come home from school and start homework. And she just stands there and offers him co regulation. With some deep breaths. After a few seconds, he mutters, I can’t do it! I just can’t do it! She continues to rub his back and says, I know.

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now. She says, let’s go into the kitchen and get some water. David glumly follows her into the kitchen, stomping almost in. She pours him a glass of water, and they just stand there. And she bears witness to him drinking the water and then taking some deep breaths.

After a few minutes, she watches him take a giant deep breath and walk back to his desk to return to his homework. She didn’t encourage him to do the homework. She didn’t rush him. She offered him co regulation. So now I want you to take a moment and think about your own triggers. What situation set you off?

Reflect on your patterns. When are you most likely in interacting with your kids to get dysregulated? Write them down. Share your thoughts with me on Instagram at the space peaceful space parent or send me an email at lisa at the peaceful parent dot com. I’d love to hear about your aha moments and your patterns and what you notice.

Just noticing the patterns and the triggers and committing to take a deep breath and regulate yourself. before you rush in is an absolute game changer in this process. Again, I can’t say it enough. We have to regulate first before there’s anything to offer our kids, anything in the cup of regulation or for them to be able to draft off of us.

Now, here’s the thing. If you like what you’re hearing, but you have no idea how to do this, or you’ve gotten started at it, but you’re ready to dive deeper and practice more and become an expert at this. If this speaks to you in any way, I want you to hear my personal invitation to join The Hive. In my program The Hive, I teach parents just like you exactly how to calm their nervous system with personalized strategies that I will create just for you.

You’re going to get practical tools and support to move you along the journey of self regulation so you can offer co regulation to your kids. If this speaks to you in any way, I want you to go to thehivecoaching. com. We’ll also put a link in the show notes so you can learn more about the program and join us so that I can help you.

Learn to calm your nervous system and offer co regulation to your kids. I can’t wait to see you there. Alright, let’s recap what we’ve covered today. We talked about what co regulation is and why it’s important, the challenge of distress tolerance, and practical tips for regulating your emotions. We explored how co regulation starts from the early years and continues to play a critical role in our relationships and in our connection with our kids.

Remember, co regulation is not just about responding to a moment of distress. Beyond it, it builds a foundation of understanding and support. It teaches us and our children that emotions are manageable, and they’re not alone in their feelings. As you’ve seen through the stories I shared with you today, Whether it’s helping a toddler calm down from a tantrum or supporting a college student like Malcolm through a stressful day, co regulation is about connecting deeply and meaningfully.

It’s about us being the stable, calming presence your kids can rely on that helps them feel safe and learn to manage their own emotions. So I want you to take these insights, I want you to reflect on your own experiences, and I want you to think about how you can incorporate more co regulation practices.

into your daily interactions with your kids. It’s about progress, not perfection. Be patient with yourself. And remember, every step forward is a step towards a more peaceful and connected family life. And again, if you’re looking for more support, want to deepen your understanding of these concepts, come join us at thehivecoaching.

com where we’ll delve deeper into the practices with tools and coaching designed to support you every step of the way. Oh, so good, right? You’ve got this, and I’m here for you. Every step of the way, you have the power to transform your family’s emotional health. So keep practicing. Stay patient and know that every small step makes a big difference.

You’ve got this. Okay. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.