Ep #195: Reactive Anger as a Signal: How to Guide Your Child Through Big Emotions

Welcome to real world, peaceful parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach, Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. Today, we’re diving deep into a topic that many parents grapple with, reactive anger in their children. In today’s episode, you’re going to hear a coaching conversation between myself and Dina. Dina is a Hive member seeking guidance on managing her nine year old daughter’s outbursts of anger.

But before we get to that conversation, I want to provide you with some context about reactive anger and offer strategies for coaching your children through these challenging emotions. You see, reactive anger is often a defense mechanism. When children and adults feel vulnerable emotions like fear, grief, powerlessness, jealousy, sadness, resentment, left out, we may instinctively shield ourselves with anger.

Let me say that again, when children and adults feel vulnerable emotions, we may instinctively shield ourselves with anger. And it’s crucial to understand that beneath this anger often lies deeper feelings of sadness, hurt, and disappointment. Anger is always a complex emotion, meaning it does not appear on its own.

And there are always other emotions underneath it. Sometimes we, especially kids who do not have fully developed brains, Do not know or realize that anger is a cover emotion for other emotions. Kids often haven’t been taught to go underneath the anger or are afraid to go underneath the anger. Put another way, sometimes it feels safer to stay with the reactive anger than dig into what’s underneath it.

And sometimes kids live in a home where digging underneath it is not modeled for them, pointed out, encouraged, coached, or helped. One of the most important skills we can help our children develop is the ability to tolerate life’s everyday disappointments without resorting to anger on the regular, often, or occasionally.

This journey is a fundamental part of emotional growth and emotional intelligence. And it leads to resilience and what we might call unshakable internal happiness and coping skills. As we explore Dina’s situation with her daughter, keep in mind that our goal as parents is to not suppress our child’s emotions.

But to help them understand and navigate them, we’ll discuss strategies for setting loving limits while allowing children to express their full range of feelings. And we’ll discuss how empathy can be a powerful tool in these moments for the child and the parent. Stay tuned as we unpack these concepts and more in our coaching session.

Whether you’re dealing with a child’s reactive anger, Or simply want to deepen your understanding of emotional regulation. This episode promises valuable insights for every parent. So let’s begin. Hi. Hi. It’s been a long summer, but a good summer back to school. Yay. Those are always good days. Yes. Okay. So my question becomes.

Around connecting and this, this and anger. So let me see if I can spell this out for you. Um, I’ve been doing a lot of left brain connecting with Kenzie, you know, situation happens. Hey, honey, I really hear you. That’s, you know, I’m really sorry for that. Whatever the situation is, she has a tendency to get angry at times.

For an example, the other day she wanted to sit in my computer room with me and she wanted me to hook a mouse up to her computer. Well, I physically couldn’t do it because I didn’t have one that worked. So I just kind of said, Hey, honey, I understand you really want to do this right now and stuff, but I don’t, I don’t, it can’t physically be hooked up.

Oh, but mom, it’s right here. And like, all you got to do is this, I’m like, honey, it doesn’t work that way. I hear what you want, but I can’t. And then she got really angry, right? But I just let her kind of go with her emotion and a little bit of storm But sometimes what happens after that is she goes and does something and I can’t even remember what it was but it’s like She’s like poking at me trying to get me to get angry with her because she’s angry.

She wants me to be angry. Yeah. And I’ve, I’ve had this conversation with her. I’m like, Kenzie, are you really trying to just get me angry too? And she’s like, yes, I’m mad. I want you mad. I need a different way to approach this because like it kind of baffled me. I’m like, Okay, so I don’t want to go to her level, but at some point she’ll turn around and the behavior, you know, or the storm, shall I say better is the storm.

She knows she shouldn’t do or something, you know, like in the past I might’ve really exploded on. So she’s trying to see if she can get me to like dive in, you know, pull the rope, pick up the rope and pull. And I’m like, I’m, I’m getting a little baffled because I don’t want to get back into that tugging.

Does that make sense? Yeah, no, I know exactly how to help you. Okay. So what’s happening is your daughter is getting stuck in reactive anger and it’s anger. It’s a defense against the feelings underneath it. Fear, grief, frustration, powerlessness, right? Like, and it could even be that her brain can’t, can’t understand why there’s a mouse right there, but you won’t plug it in.

Right. And so it’s like frustration and, and it seems so simple. Why can’t you just do it? And then maybe there’s an assumption that you’re, you know, being difficult or whatnot. And really, I come back to this. Anger is always a defense against deeper emotions like unhappiness or sadness or disappointment.

And one of the most critical tasks of childhood is to learn to tolerate the wounds of everyday life. You know, like the little disappointments. And so one of the best tools kids can learn is to tolerate the wounds of everyday life without moving into reactive anger. And so when she says, you know, but the mouse is right there and you’re like, but it can’t happen.

And you see her physically have an emotional experience. You could then help her by, well, I bet you’re really disappointed that you don’t understand why this can’t happen. Help her dig underneath the anger and uncover because the, the additional emotions, because what many kids are hardwired to do is to fend off any of these intolerable feelings.

So they get attached to their reactive anger because I don’t want to be disappointed or hurt or sad. But that’s the magic is to feel those feelings underneath it and even eventually be able to articulate it to you. You know, mom, I’m really sad. I want that mouse and, and you know, I, I’m frustrated that I can see it, but I can’t have it.

You know, my media gratification is wanting the mouse and you’re telling me no, and you stand in between me and the mouse because I have a 10 year old brain or how old she is. And I can’t understand that the connectors don’t work. I can’t grasp that. So you’re standing in between. So I’m going to get mad at you.

And then misery loves company. And I want to power struggle with you. I want to, I’m like, it turned into a kangaroo. I want to box with you because that feels better. My brain thinks than admitting that I’m frustrated and sad that I can’t have the mouse. Cause I want to be just like you. Gotcha. And as you’re saying this, like, I feel like we’re on this, this teeter totter of this because at times, She, she does verbalize her, you know, her frustration.

I’m really sad, mom. I’m really, and she can move forward. But at times on other things, it’s like, like you said, she gets stuck. So I guess maybe that’s why my brain is having a hard time. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like I’m on a teeter totter sometimes. And it could be sometimes, Dina, that. The mouse is the sixth thing.

She’s gotten sad and frustrated over in that day. Right. And it’s just throwing her into a storm. So you might also ask her, you know, have you felt this other times today? And can we talk about that? Okay. Right. Dig more. Yeah. Dig more deeper into that. Yeah. Okay. This is, this is holding space for her, which is a big thing that I’ve been talking on Thursdays about with Peaceful Parenting 1 0 1 members and last week.

Had a whole conversation with Anne about this, about just holding space for our kids. to unload the emotional backpack and not tolerating them getting stuck at reactive anger. Okay, honey, I see you’re really angry. What else might be going on? Are you mad? Or I mean, are you sad? Are you frustrated? Are you disappointed?

Are you You know, do you find this unacceptable that you can see the mouse, but I can’t connect it? Do you think I’m, you know, are you, are you suspicious that I’m just saying no on purpose? Do you not understand that the mouse actually won’t connect? And in that moment, it’s not your job to explain it again, why it won’t connect.

It’s, it’s letting her feel the feeling of, yeah, I’m bewildered. As to why you can’t make this happen when I can see it right there, you know, gotcha That’s yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I’ve been thinking about the whole unpacking of the emotional backpack because Obviously we started back to school and there’s girls in our class.

So she’s come home and I’ve noticed when she’s starting to unpack it and we’ve changed our routine a little bit and stuff, but I’m definitely on a teeter totter because sometimes she seems to be okay and move and using her words and tells me how she feels and stuff like that. But then there’s other times she’s just stuck right there.

Well, girl, that’s all of us. Yeah. I mean, sometimes you could ask me how I feel and I can tell sometimes they will ask me. What’s going on for you? And I’m like, I don’t know. And then later, you know, I mean, that’s the human experience, right? Right. You know, just because I’ve mastered cooking a pizza in the oven doesn’t mean occasionally I burn the crust.

Right. I have the ball. I forgot we put the pizza on a cookie sheet and we preheat the cookie sheet. Dave and I just had this conversation. I forgot. that we haven’t, we haven’t made pizza in a long time. We discovered that preheating the cookie sheet with the oven. I forgot that, that we do that. The other day I made a cauliflower crusted.

I followed the directions. I threw it on straight onto the, what’s that thing called? The, um, the tray or the, with the, what’s it called in the oven? The rack rack. I threw the cold pizza right onto the rack and it turned out all hardened. And Dave’s like, I thought we learned to put the cookie sheet in and warm it up with it and throw a piece of fun.

I was like, yeah, I just, I forgot. We haven’t done it a while. And my brain forgot that that’s our protocol cook a cauliflower crested pizza. Like, I just forgot. I mean, I’m not a bad person. I’m not a bad cook. I just forgot that we tested. And realize and now maybe that he and I had that conversation. I won’t forget again.

Maybe I will right I told him he could also cook his own pizza. No, I didn’t say that All right, okay i’m gonna have to keep digging on this one Like I said, it’s just been interesting to see Because I feel like it’s a teeter totter recently It’s just kind of like sometimes she’s stuck in the anger and sometimes she’s expressing herself But we’re definitely making way leaps and bounds, but I wasn’t really You I need to, to connect a little bit more with her about what the situation is versus trying to explain it again, which is where I get stuck all the time.

It’s like, I’ve explained it once I’ve explained it again. Why do I have to, and it’s not about explaining about it. It’s about just connecting with her where she is completely frustrated. So I get what you’re saying. Yeah. We have to figure a scuba dive down. You’re snorkeling at the top. Yeah, we need you to scuba dive down and maybe, you know, it’s been a long summer and you’re ready for to go back to school and you’re ready for, you know, you could be storming a little bit too.

Like I want this easy. Yeah, this actually happened the first day of school, right after school. So it was probably like a combination of everything. And in, when I reflected on it, I was like, okay, there’s more going on, but there was a little examples and I couldn’t just talking to you helps me think about it differently for the reactive anger to where I’ve got to just kind of.

Keep connecting with her and kind of really get her to to use the words of the emotions. She’s feeling so she can move through it because I’ve seen her when she does that. It just deflates her. She’s like, okay, I’ve talked about it. I know how I feel now. I know it’s okay. So now I can move forward instead of being stuck where she was too.

So yeah, yeah. Not getting the mouse to work when you can see it and you want it. You want to be in the office with your mom pretending you’re playing mom’s work, you know, and you see this mouse and you want it. Your mom’s telling you it can’t work and you don’t understand why. That is learning to unpack all the emotions underneath reactive anger, the everyday disappointments in life, not getting stuck at reactive anger, right?

That’s so good. Dina. Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah. And there you have it. Listeners. We’ve journeyed through the landscape of reactive anger with Dina and her daughter, exploring strategies to help children move beyond anger to recognize and process the underlying emotions. Remember, when your child expresses anger, there’s almost always, I would actually say always, more beneath the surface.

By approaching these moments with empathy and understanding, we create space for our children to feel safe expressing their true feelings, be it sadness, disappointment, or fear. As we’ve discussed, the key is to not suppress the anger, but to help our children recognize it as a signal, as a beacon, as a compass of deeper emotions.

By validating their feelings and offering support, we teach them that it’s okay to feel all of these feelings and that they can trust us to be there as they work through the difficult emotions that we are their safe place. Parenting through these challenging moments isn’t easy, but it can be incredibly rewarding.

Each time we help our children navigate their big feelings, we’re building their emotional intelligence and resilience, setting them up for healthier relationships and better emotional regulation. In the future. My hope is, is that this episode has given you some new perspectives. and practical tools to use in your own parenting journey.

Remember, it’s okay if this process takes time, both for you and your child. Be patient with yourself and your kid as you practice these skills together at any age. Thank you for tuning in today to the episode. If you found this episode helpful, please share it with other parents who might benefit. You’re always paying it forward when you do this, and I’m so grateful and appreciative.

And don’t forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode. Until next time, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit ThePeacefulParent. com. See you soon.