Ep #206: Why Kids Don’t Listen (Yet): A Peaceful Parenting Approach

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so grateful to be with you here today. Especially during this bustling holiday season. And I so appreciate you tuning in. I have a special gift for you today. We’re revisiting one of our most downloaded episodes of all time. And let me tell you why.

As we head into the holidays around the world, I know many of us are feeling the pressure. You know, our kids seem to listen even less, our patience grows thinner, and chaos feels amplified. In some instances, stress is at an all time high. And that’s exactly why I wanted to share this episode with you again.

Whether you’re listening for the first time, Or joining me for a refresh. This message about why our kids struggle with listening is absolutely transformative. It’s the kind of perspective shift that can change everything, especially during the holiday season when we need it most. You see, understanding why our kids don’t listen isn’t just about improving communication.

It’s about developing deeper empathy, strengthening our connection and bringing more peace into our homes. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t want more peace during the holidays? Yeah. So consider this one of my holiday gifts to you. A powerful reminder that will help you navigate the upcoming weeks with more understanding and less frustration.

Are you ready? Let’s dive in. Today, we’re going to talk about being great at things. And let me start by asking you a question. What are you great at? Think about that for a moment and just shout your answer out loud. What are you great at? Are you great at your job? Are you great at grilling? Are you great at singing?

Are you great at lifting weights? What are you great at? And I ask this because it’s really something important to think about when it comes to parenting. Are you familiar with Malcolm Gladwell’s principle that it takes about 10, 000 hours of deliberate practice to be world class at something? Most of us know that to be great at something, we have to put in the focus, the effort, and the time, right?

Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, over and over and over again. Let me give you some examples. Want to be a ranked tennis player? You got to be on that court playing matches all the time. Working on your serve, working on your return, getting stronger. You’ve got to put the 10, 000 hours in. Want to excel as a chef?

You got to chop thousands of onions. Just ask Julia Child, right? Want to be the last person standing in Fortnite? Your kids will be the first to tell you that in order for that to happen, you got to play a lot, right? Piano, chess, soccer, knitting, parent coaching, writing, scrapbooking, the list can go on and on and on.

You get the idea, right? Let’s look at one of my personal mentors. One of my biggest mentors is, and this might surprise you, TB12. I am a big, big, big TB12 fan. Tom Brady, the GOAT, winner of seven Super Bowls, right? And I’m not a fan of Tom’s because Um, he’s flashy or good looking. I’m a fan because Tom Brady is the epitome of 10, 000 hours of deliberate practice.

I mean, come on. No one can dispute this. And at this point, whether you’re a TB12 fan or not, you’re probably shaking your head going, Yeah, I see where you’re going with this, Lisa. And yet at the same time, you might be wondering, Okay, but what does any of this have to do with my parenting? Stay with me.

Stay with me. Recently, I was working with one of my one on one clients. Who has two small children. She has a daughter that’s about to turn one and a little boy that just turned three. And this mom is amazing. She’s really dedicated to peaceful parenting. She works mindfully at it. So in one of our sessions, she was talking about how she feels triggered because her three year old son doesn’t listen to her.

Can you relate to this? I mean, hashtag the struggle is real, right? So she said, what really bothers her is how easily frustrated she is. when her son doesn’t listen. She gets frustrated with him, but she gets even more frustrated with herself for being frustrated with him, and she doesn’t like it. So we dug into this, and we talked about what she could do.

And the conversation went like this. I said to her, let me ask you this. When your one year old daughter doesn’t answer or doesn’t listen to you, why do you not get frustrated with her? And my client was like, Lisa, seriously? Because she’s a baby and she doesn’t understand. And I said, Oh, so would you say she’s yet to learn to listen, that she’s new to listening?

You know, we have to learn to listen. We’re not born with the skill of listening. We’re actually born with very few skills. Very, very, very few. Our skills have to be developed with practice over time. Right? For example, I really have to work sometimes at listening to my husband. Um, I was telling my client, sometimes I don’t want to listen, or I’m tired, or it’s hard to pay attention.

And I have to really work at the skill of listening. My client laughed and she said, yeah, I do the same thing. I said, yes, but isn’t it interesting that we expect our kids to listen. Well, all the time, the first time, constantly, and be great at it. And you know, the thing is, at three years old, he’s just learning how to listen.

He doesn’t have the competency yet. He doesn’t have the 10, 000 hours in yet to be great at something. I said to her, at three, he’s maybe, what, 200 hours into listening? Maybe? And she said, Oh, Lord. This kid is maybe, maybe at best a hundred hours into listening. And I said, okay, so let’s put this in perspective.

He’s got like another 9, 900 hours of deliberate practice at listening before he’s even going to begin to approach world class. My client said, wow, I think you just put this in perspective for me. He is learning how to listen and I’m expecting him to already be great at listening the first time. Every time she said, I think I just needed to hear that.

I said, yeah, we forget as parents, we lose perspective. I do it all the time. We all do it. I said, I think that’s why parenting can be so triggering because it’s such a mirror to ourselves. And our complex emotions. I told her, just remember that your three year old is only a hundred hours. Into his 10, 000 hours.

He doesn’t know how to listen yet. He’s learning and growing and developing the skill of listening. So then the question we all have to ask ourselves is how do I react? How do I show up? How do I support my kid? And how do I model for them while they’re building a competency, while they’re putting their 10, 000 hours in?

I really want you to think about this. How do you want to support your child or children when they’re building a skill? Like really think about this for a minute. As adults to adults at places like work or with friends or strangers or maybe in our volunteer life, How do you approach, manage, coach, and support those that are learning something new?

If you train people at work, or you coach your son’s t ball team, or you volunteer at your daughter’s Girl Scout, or you help out with PTA, how do you approach, manage, coach, and support those that are learning something new? If we’re honest with ourselves, many of us afford newbies patience, grace, and understanding.

Our brains automatically see that they’re new at something and they’ve just got to work at it over and over and over again to get to their 10, 000 hours of deliberate practice, right? And yet at home, sometimes we don’t have the same empathy, patience. Encouragement and understanding for our kids as they learn something new and think about this for a minute.

Our kids are learning lots of new things all the time. This client of mine, her three year old wasn’t just a newbie at listening. He was a newbie at eating and putting his shoes on and brushing his teeth. And his entire world was all about a hundred hours into everything he’s doing. He is an expert at nothing.

Nothing. Let that shift your perspective for a minute. And remember, this doesn’t matter if your kids are 3, 13, or 23. They’re still putting their hours in, their 10, 000 hours in, to be a world class expert at something. Tom Brady was not the quarterback the first year in the NFL that he is today in his 10th Super Bowl appearance.

Why? Because he didn’t have the hours in being an NF starting NFL quarterback. He didn’t have the hours in a seasoned rock band is much better at live performances than they were when they were playing the college tour. Why? It’s not because they have a deeper love of music. It’s because they have more hours in to their profession.

So the question we have to ask ourselves is, do we expect our kids to be experts at something automatically? Or just because, even though they are little beings with little experience. Hashtag their struggle is real too. I have to admit to occasionally having low patience with my son. And honestly, before my peaceful parenting journey began, it was often.

I’m talking really often. Sometimes I expected him to be ready at the exact time I said. I expected him to turn off the lights after being told a few times Because it’s important to me. Sometimes, I still expect him to remember that Tuesday is garbage day. Sometimes, I expect him to not be nervous about a new experience.

And when he doesn’t meet my expectations, I get triggered, and frustrated, and annoyed. And then, I remind myself. That he isn’t 10, 000 hours into building the competency yet. And this reminder helps a ton. It calms me down and it lessens the probability of being triggered. The reminder gives me perspective.

It shifts how I see the situation. It reminds me that he hasn’t been on earth that many years. and that he has an underdeveloped brain, specifically an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. It reminds me that while he’s learning and growing, I want to be patient, kind, understanding, and calm with my requests.

And I tell myself one day, yes, one day, Lisa, he will remember to turn off the lights when he leaves the room on his own. Probably about the time he becomes barren himself. Let me give you some more examples. Let’s say your eight year old is working on soothing herself at bedtime. She’s new to that experience.

Or your 12 year old is working on getting off gaming at an agreed upon time. He’s really enjoying the gaming, and he’s new to cutting himself off in a certain amount of time, even though he’s having a good time. Let’s say your teenager is working on driving safely. She’s just not 10, 000 hours in to driving the car around yet.

Your tween is working on not melting down every time she hears no. Her brain’s just not a world class expert at that yet. Your six year old is working on sitting in front of the computer all day for online schooling. Nope, not an expert, probably 50 hours in your high schoolers working on planning out her homework and not getting behind.

Certainly not 10, 000 hours in. Remember your first job, your latest job change, learning a new art. Or a new sport. Can you relate? Let me share this again. Malcolm Gladwell’s principle is that it takes about 10, 000 hours of deliberate practice to become world class at anything. Most of us know that to be great at something, we have to put in the focus, the effort, and the time.

We have to rinse and repeat over and over and over again. If this resonates with you, I encourage you to keep this at the front of your mind and let it shift your parenting perspective. Let it shift how you view your requests. Let it shift how you view your child’s performance. And as real world peaceful parents, your homework this week is to keep asking, keep making the requests, keep encouraging the listening, asking him to turn off the lights, ask him not to splash the water, ask him to pick up the toys, ask him to get off gaming at the agreed upon time, ask him to stay on zoom rather than running around the room, ask him to put the phone away during class, et cetera.

Just do it from the new perspective that creates connection, empathy, and understanding. Remind yourself. That they’re not world class experts at anything at this point and approach it from a perspective that creates connection, empathy, and understanding hashtag progress. You in? Can I count on you? Can your kids count on you?

I love it. Before we wrap up today, I have another holiday gift to share with you. I’m hosting two special free events called Q& A with Lisa Smith, and I’d love for you to join me. Are you ready to transform your holiday season from chaotic to connected? Are you ready to create those magical moments with your kids that you’ve been dreaming of?

Maybe you’re wondering how to maintain. Peaceful parenting through family gatherings, changing routines and big emotions, yours and your kids. Yeah. Time and time again, parents come to me feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of modern parenting, especially during the holidays, the constant power struggles, the disconnection, the guilt over losing your cool, the feeling that these magical moments are passing you by.

So with that in mind, I’m offering two free 90 minute coaching sessions where you can bring specific questions and challenges that are going on right now in your home and I will help you navigate through them. Together, we’ll explore how to create genuine connection, how to handle triggers with grace, and how to truly enjoy this special time with your family.

On this live call, I’m going to be sharing practical tools and strategies Plus offering live coaching to help you transform your holiday season into magic. So this is how this works. You have two opportunities to join me for free Tuesday, December 17th at 8am Pacific, 9am Mountain, 10am Central and 11am Eastern time.

And the second opportunity will happen on Thursday, December 19th at 4 p. m. Pacific, 5 p. m. Mountain, 6 p. m. Central, and 7 p. m. Eastern Time. And here’s something extra special. Don’t miss this opportunity. Head to ThePeacefulParent. com forward slash coaching to reserve your seat for either of both sessions.

And it’s absolutely 100 percent FREE. Remember, this upcoming holiday season isn’t just about surviving. It’s about creating more meaningful connections and joyful memories for you and your kids. I can’t wait to connect with you live and help make this holiday season your most peaceful yet. And absolutely, feel free to bring a friend, the more the merrier.

I’ll see you there. And until next time, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.