Ep #248: Discipline Without Damage Part 1

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. I am so energized to be with you here today, and I wanna start by reading you something. These are the actual words from real parents that may sound familiar to you. I’m tired of yelling. I feel like I’m failing as a parent. My kids won’t listen unless I yell.

I’ve tried everything and nothing works. If you’ve ever said or even thought these things, if you’ve ever laid in bed at night, replaying the moment you lost your cool and feeling like the worst parent in the world, I want you to know something right now. You’re not broken, you’re not alone. You’re just exhausted and out of tools that work and that that can change.

And that’s exactly what we’re talking about today. Because here’s what I know. There is a way to set limits and discipline your kids without yelling, without threatening, and without damaging their self-esteem or your relationship. And I’m gonna show you exactly how. Let me take you back to when Malcolm is about three years old.

I was repeating a lot of the patterns I was trained in as a child. The yelling, the punishing in the moment, the consequences delivered when I was dysregulated and angry and I started noticing something, every time I yelled at Malcolm, every time I punished him from that angry dominant place, I’d see the look on his face, disappointment, sadness, like he was a bad kid and there was something wrong with him.

And one particular day I saw his sweet little face. Just fall. This look of such disappointment in himself and in that moment I recognized it because that’s exactly how I felt as a kid. I remember sitting in the backyard with a friend after being yelled at horribly by a parent, and I said to her, kids are people too.

You know? Even as a child, I knew something was wrong with how I was being treated. I felt it in my bones. And now here I was doing the exact same thing to my sweet little boy. And here’s the other part of this story that made it so exasperating. Malcolm wasn’t even listening. He wasn’t jumping up to follow my commands.

He wasn’t sitting around waiting for instructions and happily complying. He was a strong-willed kid, and the tactics I was using, they just weren’t working. So I’d yell louder, I’d punish harder, I’d threaten bigger consequences, and he’d dig in more. And the cycle just kept repeating itself and intensifying.

I was stuck in this place where I was parenting in a way that didn’t feel good inside of me, and I felt guilty about it, and I could see it hurting Malcolm. And on top of all that, he still wasn’t listening. And that, that’s when I knew something had to change. Because if I’m gonna do all this damage to myself, to my relationship with my son, to his self-esteem, you think at least I’d be getting compliance, right?

But I wasn’t. I was just getting more power struggles, more defiance, and more frustration, and I thought there has to be a better way. And so I went looking for it, and what I discovered changed everything, not just for Malcolm and me, but for the thousands of parents I’ve now coached over the years. Let me describe what I see happening in so many homes around the world.

Your kids. Your kids. Yes. You. Your kids push a boundary. Maybe they hit their sibling or they refuse to turn off the iPad. Or they talk back, you’re tired, you’re triggered, and you’re your limit. And in that heated moment, you say something like, that’s it. No TV for a month, or Do that again, and we’re leaving this party right now, or keep it up and Christmas will be canceled.

And here’s what happens next. You feel terrible as the parent. The guilt washes over you. You think I’m a horrible parent and I wish I wouldn’t have said that. But the next day, the TV’s back on and you’re at another party the following weekend. Or of course, Christmas still happens and your kid, they know you didn’t mean it.

So the trust starts to erode. Your word doesn’t mean what it used to. And the boundaries aren’t clear anymore because the boundaries keep changing based on your mood. And for strong-willed kids especially. They see right through it, and it encourages them to fight harder and they push more because when consequences are unpredictable and delivered in anger, kids do not learn the lessons we’re trying to teach.

They just learned to avoid getting caught or tune us out or fight back harder. And you’re left feeling exhausted, guilty, and like you’re failing. Sound familiar. This cycle. Yelling, threatening, punishing in the moment, and then guilt, and then promising to do better tomorrow. And then repeat. It’s not working.

Not for you and not for your kids. I know that. I’ve lived it myself, but here’s what I want you to hear. This isn’t a character flaw in your kids. It’s definitely not a failure in you as a parent or a human. What it is, is it’s that no one ever taught us how to set limits when we’re calm instead of when we’re dysregulated.

No one showed us that there’s a different way, but there is, and I’m here to show you and tell you all about it. Before I go any further, I need to tell you about something happening next week. On October 16th at 9:00 AM Pacific 10 Mountain 11 Central, and 12:00 PM Eastern Time. I’m teaching a free, free Hear That Police Free 90 Minute Live class called Discipline Without Damage, calm, clear Ways to Guide your Kids without yelling, threatening, or punishing.

This class is specifically for parents who are tired of the yelling cycle, who feel like they’re failing, and who have strong-willed kids who just won’t listen. In this class, I’m going to give you the roadmap, the exact steps, so that you can set consequences that actually work without yelling, without threatening, and without damaging your relationship.

With your kids. In this class, we’re going to work through your specific challenges, your bedtime battles, your homework wars, your teenager who pushes every boundary. And here’s the transformation I’m promising you when your kids mess up and they will, because that’s what kids do. When you learn to discipline without damage, your kids are gonna run to you, not away from you.

They’re gonna tell you the truth. Instead of lying, they’re gonna ask for your guidance instead of hiding from you because you’ve learned to discipline without damaging your relationship or their self-worth, even if you can’t make it live. I wanna encourage you to sign up anyway because everyone who registers will get the replay.

But here’s the thing. Registration closes on October 15th. So head over to the peaceful parent.com/class, the peaceful parent.com/class right now, and save your spot. Don’t wait because this class is going to be incredible and I don’t want you to miss it. All right, let’s get back to it. So what is the better way?

Here’s the secret most parenting advice misses discipline is actually allowed, in fact. Kids need rules and limits and consequences. Consequences, help kids feel safe, know what is expected and feel loved. But consequences work when they’re thought through. When you’re feeling calm, age appropriate and realistic, connected to your family values, and share it up front so your kids know what the rules are, the consequences and what to expect.

Yeah, think about it like this. Imagine starting a new job and your boss never tells you what the rules are and what’s expected of you, and then one day your boss is angry, they suddenly yell at you and tell you you’re fired for something you didn’t even know was wrong. I mean, how would you feel? That would be confusing, right?

And maybe scary and for sure would feel unfair. That’s exactly what it feels like to our kids when we make up the consequences in the heat of the moment. Now, when we set clear limits ahead of time, when we stay calm and follow through consistently, well that my friend, that’s the game changer and that’s where everything shifts.

Let me give you examples for your toddler or preschooler. You could say, instead of stop during twice or you’re going to time out. You could say toys, stay on the floor or in the toy box, and if you choose to throw toys, then we’ll need to take a break until you can play safely for school age kids, instead of if you don’t finish your homework right now, there’s no iPad for a week.

Instead, you could shift to homework needs to be done before screen time. If you choose not to do homework, then we need to pause the iPad until the homework is complete. Maybe you have a teenager and instead of keep talking back and I’ll take your phone away. You could try. I need you to speak respectfully, even when we disagree and if you choose to speak disrespectfully, we’re gonna take a break and we’ll try this conversation again in 10 minutes.

Or instead of if you miss your curfew again, or if you’re late tonight, you’re grounded for a month, you could try. Curfew is at 11:00 PM If you choose to come home late, then next weekend you need to come home an hour earlier so we can rebuild trust together. See the difference? It’s firm, it’s clear, it’s connected to values like safety, respect, and responsibility.

But hopefully you noticed that setting limits is not punitive, it’s not reactive, and it’s not delivered in anger. This is discipline without damage. And again, if you’re like me, I wanted this so bad. I just didn’t know how to do it until someone showed me how. Now, when we discipline without damage, you’re still the leader.

You’re still setting the boundaries and you’re still holding your kids accountable, but you’re doing it in a way that preserves their dignity and your relationship. Here’s what happens when you parent this way. Strong-willed kids, they actually start listening. Not because they’re afraid of you, but because they trust you, they respect you, and they know what to expect because you’re consistent and calm.

And when they mess up, because kids will mess up, they come to you for help instead of hiding from you in shame. And that’s the goal, right? That’s what we’re here working towards weekend and week out. I want that for you and I want that for your kids. So with that being said, I have homework for you. I want you to think about one consequence you’ve threatened recently, maybe in the last week, that either you didn’t follow through on or that you regretted how you delivered it.

Got one in mind. Okay? I want you to write it down and then I want you to rewrite it. As a calm, clear, if then limit, you can ask yourself these questions as you rewrite it. Is the consequence realistic? Can I enforce it every single time? Is it age appropriate? Does it match where my child is developmentally?

Does it connect to a family value? Is this about taking responsibility, respect, safety, or is it just a punishment? For punishment’s sake, or because I’m angry and feel disrespected, can I say this calmly before our next incident? Can I share this with my kid When we’re both regulated, write it down, practice saying it out loud when you’re calm, and here’s what else I want you to do, bring it to class on October 16th, I want you to have that rewritten consequence ready?

They’re gonna workshop these together. We’re going to make sure that they’re strong, clear, and effective, and this is your prep work. This is how you show up ready to transform the way you parent. Because here’s the honest truth, your kids are gonna mess up. They’re gonna make mistakes. They’re going to do things they shouldn’t do.

They might lie about it because they don’t wanna disappoint you. They might hurt their siblings. They might not turn in their homework and tell you they did. They might sneak the iPad in the middle of the night. Kids mess up. That’s part of childhood. But here’s what doesn’t have to happen. You don’t have to yell, you don’t have to punish in anger.

You don’t have to damage their self-esteem or your relationship with them. There is a roadmap, there is a game plan, and in this class I’m gonna give it to you. Straight, simple and effective. We’re going deep on October 16th. We’re gonna cover how to set consequences that stick. What to do when your strong-willed kid pushes back.

How to stay calm when everything in you wants to explode, and real scripts you can use this week. This isn’t therapy. This is practical in the trenches. Real world parenting for strong-willed kids. I know. I know how good this class is going to be, and I don’t want you to miss it. So head on over to the peaceful parent.com/class and save your spot because registration closes on October 15th.

And even if you can’t make it, sign up for the replay, but show up if you can, because the live coaching, that’s where the magic happens. Listen, I know this is hard work. Changing how we parent means changing patterns. We learned in our own childhood. It means doing things differently than how we were raised.

But here’s what I also know. You’re here, you’re listening, you’re trying. That means you are exactly the kind of parent. Yes, you. You are exactly the kind of parent who can make this shift. You don’t have to keep living in the yelling, guilt, repeat cycle. There is a better way. And your kids, they’re counting on you to find it, not because they need you to be perfect, but because they need you to be the calm, confident leader who guides them through their mistakes with love and clarity.

That’s what discipline without damage looks like, and that’s what I’m teaching you on October 16th. So go [email protected] slash class. And until next time, I’m wishing you Peaceful Parenting.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.