Ep #261: The Most Important Parenting Skill No One Teaches You: How to Repair After You Lose It (And Restore Connection)

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. I’m so grateful to be with you here today. You know it’s January, fresh calendar, new Year, and maybe as you’re listening to this, you’re feeling a mixture of hope and dread. Hope, because this is the year you’re going to stop yelling. This is the year you’re going to become the calm, peaceful parent you wanna be.

And maybe dread because you’ve been here before. You’ve made that promise to yourself last January and maybe the January before that too. And if you’re standing here in 2026, thinking I blew it again. I yelled at my kids over the holidays, Lisa, I lost it on Christmas Eve when they wouldn’t stop fighting or I snapped at them on New Year’s Day when they were being whiny and loud.

I said things I regret, and now I feel terrible. If that’s you. If you’re starting this year with a pit in your stomach because of how you showed up during the holidays, this episode is for you because here’s what I want you to know right from the start. You don’t need to be perfect. What you need is to know how to repair.

And today I’m gonna show you exactly how to do that without drowning in shame, without overexplaining, and without making it worse, let me paint a picture for you. It’s January 2nd. The decorations are still up. There’s leftover pie in the fridge. Your kids are back to their normal routine and you’re replaying everything in your head.

The moment you yelled at your 8-year-old for spilling juice all over the floor, right before the guests arrived, the time you snapped at your teenager for having an attitude. When grandma asked them about school the morning, you completely lost it because nobody was cooperating and you were just done.

Now you’re lying in bed at night thinking I’m supposed to be a peaceful parent. I’m supposed to know better what is wrong with me? Here’s what I see happening with so many parents. Right now, you’re caught in one of three failed repair patterns. Maybe you’re the over explainer. You sit your child down and launch into a 15 minute apology where you’re trying to convince yourself more than them.

I’m so sorry I yelled. You see, I was just stressed because we had company coming and I hadn’t cleaned and I was worried about every, what everyone would think. And I know it’s your not your fault, and I know you’re just being a kid, and I should have my end into my stress better. And, and, and, and your child is sitting there thinking, can I go now?

Here’s the light bulb moment. If you’re the over explainer, you’re not repairing, you’re performing your guilt. I know that may be hard to hear, but it’s what’s going on now. Maybe you’re not the over explainer, maybe you’re the avoider. You feel terrible about what happened, so you become extra nice, extra patient.

You let things slide that you normally wouldn’t. You’re hoping that if you just sweet enough, your child will forget about the yelling and then you won’t have to actually address it. But here’s a light bulb moment. Here’s what’s happening. Your child is confused. Your kid is confused, the relationship feels off.

There’s this weird tension that nobody’s talking about. Like an elephant in the room and the guilt is still eating at you. Yeah. Okay. Or maybe your pattern number three, the defensive apologizer. You say, listen, I’m sorry I yell, but. You were pushing my buttons, but you weren’t moving fast enough, but fill in the blank.

And then you say, if you had just listened the first time, I wouldn’t have gotten so upset. This isn’t repair. This is blame with an apology wrapper, your child ears, I’m sorry, but actually this is your fault, right? Here’s the truth. Repair isn’t about performing your guilt. It’s about restoring the connection.

Let me say that again. Repair isn’t about performing your guilt. It’s about restoring the connection. And when you, the parent give repair, right? Something beautiful happens. You teach your child that relationships can survive conflict, that adults make mistakes and take responsibility. The connection is stronger than perfection.

Let me tell you why repair is so powerful and why it’s actually more important than never messing up in the first place. Research on attachment and child development shows us five things happen when we repair effectively. Number one, your kid learns that relationships can survive conflict, and this is really important.

When you mess up and then repair your child’s brain learns. Mom yelled, and I was scared, but then she came back and made it right and we’re okay. Relationships can handle hard things. That’s what your kids learn, and this is huge because this becomes the template for every relationship they’ll have for the rest of their life.

Number two, you model accountability without blame. When you repair your teaching, adults make mistakes. Adults take responsibility. Adults don’t make excuses or blame others for their behavior. Your kid is watching. They’re learning how to handle their own mistakes by watching how you handle yours. I feel like I need to say that again.

Your kids are learning how to handle their own mistakes by watching how you handle yours. Number three, you break your own shame cycle. Every time you mess up and don’t repair the shame builds. And then you start believing something like, I’m a terrible parent. I can’t do this. I’m damaging my kid. But when you repair, you prove to yourself, I messed up and I made it right.

I’m human, not broken. Repair is as much for you as it is for your kids. Number four, you settle your kid’s nervous system. When you yell or lose it, your kid’s nervous system goes into threat mode. Their brain is asking, am I safe? Is my parent okay? Is our relationship okay? And here’s the thing, repair answers those questions.

Yes, you’re safe. Yes, I’m okay. And yes, we’re okay. And their nervous system can finally relax. Number five, you strengthen the relationship through rupture and repair. Now, this is counterintuitive, but research shows the relationships that go through rupture and repair can actually become stronger than relationships that never rupture at all.

Why? Because your kid learns that even when things get hard, we come back together. My parent doesn’t abandon me emotionally when things are messy. That my friend is secure attachment. Lemme tell you a story that really illustrates this. When Malcolm was about 10, we were getting ready to leave for a family trip and I was stressed about packing and getting out the door on time, you know, all of the getting ready to go somewhere and Malcolm was being 10.

He was dragging his feet, not packing his stuff. Asking me the same questions over and over and over again, which he used to do when he got nervous or anxious. And after about 20 minutes of this, you know, it’s hard to admit, but I lost it. I yelled, I said something about him never listening and making things harder.

The look on his face, I mean, listen, I can still see it hurt, confused, shutting down. We got in the car. There was silence and I knew I had to repair. Actually, let me say, I knew I wanted to repair and not later, and not when we got home from the trip, but now, so I pulled over. I turned around and I looked at him and I said, Malcolm, I yelled at you, and that was not okay.

You were just being a kid. And I yelled. You deserve better than that, and I’m gonna work on not doing that again. And I’m sorry. He was quiet for a moment and then he said, it’s okay, mom. And I said, no, it’s not okay that I yelled, but thank you for accepting my apology. My plan is next time I’m gonna take a breath before I talk to you, even when I’m stressed.

And he looked at me and he said, okay. And that was it. The whole thing took maybe 60 seconds. And you know what Malcolm told me years later when he was like 19, he said, mom, I remember that moment. That moment in the car taught me more about relationships than anything else you showed me That people can mess up and still be good people.

That saying, sorry, actually means something. That simple repair became one of his most formative memories. That’s the power of repair. Study after study shows us that children with secure attachments to their caregivers have better emotional regulation throughout their lives. They’re more resilient when facing stress and trauma and repair.

Repair is how you maintain that secure attachment, even when you’re imperfect. Alright, so how do you actually do repair in real life? Let me give you the framework, four steps, simple, powerful, and something you can use today. Step one is probably not gonna be a surprise to you if you’ve been listening to my podcast for a while.

Step one is drum roll. Please

regulate yourself first. You cannot repair from a dysregulated state if you’re still angry, defensive, worked up, frustrated, stressed, wait. Take a walk. Take five deep breaths, drink some water. Do whatever you need to do to get your nervous system calm, repair that comes from a regulated place. Lands completely differently than repair.

That comes from guilt or shame. Step two, keep it short and specific. This is where most of us parents go wrong. We overexplain, we over apologize. We turn repair into a therapy session. Don’t, please don’t. Here’s the template when insert specific behavior. I impact on child. That’s not okay. You deserve better.

I’m sorry. Here’s some examples. When I yelled at you about the juice, I scared you and that wasn’t okay. You deserve me to stay calm even when I’m stressed and I’m sorry. Here’s another example. When I said, you never listen. I imagine I hurt your feelings and that wasn’t okay. You deserve kindness from me, and I’m sorry.

Here’s another example. When I slammed the door, I’m sure you felt unsafe. That wasn’t okay. You deserve a parent who manages their anger better. I’m sorry. Now notice what’s not. Also in these repairs, there’s no, but you were also, there’s no long explanations about your stress and there’s no making your child comfort you.

Just, here’s what I did. Here’s what I think the impact was. It wasn’t okay. You deserve better. And I’m sorry. And that’s it. And then step number three, stop talking after you’ve said the repair stop. Don’t fill the silence. Don’t explain more. Don’t ask. If they forgive you, don’t ask for an apology from them.

You just stop. You let them process you let them respond if they want to, or you just let them sit with it. Repair is a gift and you give it freely and you don’t require anything back. And then step four is you change your behavior going forward. This is the part that actually matters most. Repair without change behavior is manipulation.

If you keep yelling and keep apologizing, your apologies become meaningless. Your kid learns. Dad’s apologies, don’t actually mean anything. He’s gonna yell again tomorrow. So after you repair, you need to do the work to figure it out. What triggered me? What do I need to change? What support do I need? Hint, join the hive.

Maybe you need more sleep. Maybe you need to work on your own regulation. Maybe you need some new tools in your house and join the hive. Maybe you need better systems. Maybe you need coaching support. Whatever it is, commit to actually doing things differently. Let me give you some common repair mistakes to avoid.

Don’t ask your child to forgive you. Don’t say, I’m sorry, do you forgive me? This puts pressure on your kid to manage your emotions. They might not be ready to forgive you yet, and that’s okay. Your job is to do the repair and their job is to receive it however they need to or are capable of in that moment.

Okay, next mistake, and this is an important one. Don’t add a teaching moment about their repair. Don’t say, I’m sorry I yelled at you, but or, and you also need to work on listening the first time. No. No, no, no. This is not the moment. Repair is about your behavior in this moment, not theirs. If their behavior needs addressing you, do that later, separately when you’re both calm.

Okay? Next mistake to avoid. Do not bring up your own childhood drama. Do not say, I’m sorry, I yelled. My parents yelled at me constantly and I swore I’d never do that, and now here I am doing it. Your child doesn’t need your own backstory right now. They need a clean, simple repair that’s about you and them in that moment.

Okay, the next one, and this is a big one, don’t cry in a way that requires them to comfort you. It’s okay to have tears, but it’s not okay to fall apart so much. Your child feels responsible for making you feel better. They need you to be the adult holding the emotional space, not the other way around.

Don’t expect them to accept your apology immediately. Some kids will say, it’s okay, mom or dad, right away. Others need time. Others might still be mad, and all of that is valid. Your repair does not require their immediate acceptance. Give them space to have their feelings. Okay, but what about when you’re not repairing just one incident?

What if yelling has been a pattern and you’re apologizing every day? Here’s what I would add to your repair. I’ve noticed I keep losing my temper. I’m working on figuring out why and learning better tools. You deserve a parent who stays calm and I’m committed to getting there. Then you actually get support, like you come and join the Hive.

Where we work on our own nervous system regulation. We work on it every single week. We figure out what’s underneath the yelling because your child doesn’t need you to be perfect, but they do need you to be actively working on yourself. When Mom in The Hive recently told me, I used to apologize every night for yelling.

Nothing changed, and then I joined the hive and actually learned how to regulate myself. And now I rarely need to repair for yelling because I’m not yelling as much. And when I do repair, it means something because my child sees me actually doing the work. That’s the goal. Repair is powerful and it’s not a substitute for actually changing your behavior.

Yeah. Yeah. Here’s your homework for this week. Assignment number one, repair one. Holiday moment. Think back to the holidays. Is there one moment You’re still caring guilt about one time you yelled or snapped or said something you regret? If so, I want you to use the repair framework today. Keep it short and specific and don’t over explain.

It’s just, Hey, when I yelled, I’m sure it didn’t feel good to you. That wasn’t okay. You deserve better. I’m sorry. You’re just practicing. Okay. You’re just thinking about something, even if you’re not ready or you don’t wanna repair with your kid, get a pillow or stuffed animal or look in the mirror and just practice using this framework.

And then assignment number two, write out your next repair script in the notes section of your phone or on a post-it note. Or in your journal or on a posted note and attach it to your computer. Think about that situation that triggers you most often. Morning routine, bedtime, homework, and then write out your repair script.

Now, before you need it, like I said, save it in your phone, put it on a note card, make it easily accessible so the next time you lose it, you don’t have to think about what to say. You’re already prepared. This might even actually help you regulate faster and get onto the repair portion of your day. Okay, so in closing, you know what I want you to take home from today?

You’re gonna mess up, you’re gonna yell, you’re gonna say things you regret. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human. What makes you a real world peaceful parent is what you do next. Repair isn’t weakness, it’s strength. Repair isn’t failure. It’s love. Every time you repair with your kid, you’re teaching them something profound.

Relationships are stronger than mistakes. Connection is more important than perfection, and families can come back together after they fall apart. That’s the gift you’re giving your kids. So start this year with compassion for yourself. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to know how to make things right.

Next week, I’m gonna share something that will completely change how you see your kids’ behavior. You are not gonna want to miss it. Until then, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com.

See you soon.