Ep #263: When Your No Leads to Their Meltdown: Language That Works

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.
Let’s dive in.
Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. I am so honored to be with you here today. And we made it. This is episode three, the final episode of our January boundary series, and if you’ve been following along, you now have an incredible foundation. Episode one. You learn to repair without shame, that you don’t need to be perfect, that you just need to know how to make things right.
Episode two, you understand why your child tests you specifically. It’s not a failure. It’s secure attachment. They saved their hardest moments for their safest person. A weird compliment, I know, but a testament to the work you’ve done. And today, today I’m giving you the language, the actual words to say when your kid is pushing back, melting down, or arguing with your boundaries.
Here’s what I hear all the time from parents, Lisa. I know I need to hold boundaries. I get that testing means trust. I know how to repair when I mess up, but when my kid is standing in front of me crying or yelling or telling me I’m the worst person ever, my mind goes blank. I don’t know what to say. Can you relate to that?
I know I could. Then I also hear, I feel like all I do is say, no. No you can’t. More screen time. No bedtime is now. No, we’re not buying that. I feel like the bad guy all day long. Maybe that’s you. Are you in that camp or maybe you’re in both at different times or with different kids or at different times of the day?
Well, here’s what I want you to know. You listening, I want you to know this. You can, yes, I’m talking to you. You can hold firm boundaries and maintain connection. You can be the leader and be the safe person. It’s not one or the other. It’s both and, and today. I’m going to give you the exact scripts word for word phrases you can use to do this, and by the end of this episode, you’ll have language you can use.
Not just concepts. Not just theory, actual sentences. You can say tonight at bedtime or tomorrow morning when your kid refuses to put their shoes on. This is the practical, real world application of everything we’ve been building in the last couple of episodes. So if you’re ready, let’s dive in. Let me start by naming something.
You’re probably feeling you’re exhausted from being the no parent. Yeah. Every request from your kid feels like you have to choose. Do I say yes and keep the peace, or do I say no and deal with the fallout? Maybe you’re in a situation where your partner gets to be the fun one and grandma gets to spoil your kids and the teacher gets the compliant cooperative version.
You. Oh my gosh. You’re the one there every day, hour after hour, enforcing bedtime, limiting screen time, making them do the homework and holding the boundaries. Right, and it probably feels heavy. One mom in the hive told me recently, I literally, Lisa, dread when my kids ask me for things because I know I’m going to have to say no, and then I’m gonna be the bad guy again.
Again. Can you relate? Okay, well here’s what’s happening. You think holding boundaries means you have to be harsh, cold, or disconnected? You probably think if you’re honest, no, in connection can’t exist in the same sentence. Think about that. Let me say that again. Your brain may think no and connection cannot exist in the same sense.
So you either fall into one of a couple different categories. You say yes, when you should say no to avoid being the bad guy, or you say no, but inside you feel guilty and terrible. Or you say no in a harsh way because you’re so frustrated that you have to be the enforcer. But here’s the truth, the problem isn’t that you’re setting boundaries.
The problem is how you’re delivering them. Let me say that again. The problem isn’t that you’re setting boundaries. The problem is how you’re delivering the boundaries or the limits. When you learn to set limits with connection, everything changes everything. You’re not the bad guy anymore. You’re the safe, steady, connected leader and your kid.
They might not like the boundaries and limits. Most of us don’t, but your kid is going to feel. Loved seen and secure while you’re holding the limits. Yeah. Lemme tell you a story that really illustrates this. When Malcolm was about 11, there was a phase where he asked for things constantly every single day.
Can I have a friend over? Can we go get ice cream? Can I stay up late? Can we go to the store? And every time I felt this internal groan, oh, here we go again. I have to be the bad guy. I was saying no a lot, and I started to feel like that’s all. I was the person who says no. One day after I’d said no to something.
Honestly, I don’t remember what it was. Malcolm looked at me and said, mom, you never let me do anything fun. And I became immediately defensive. That’s not true. We went to the park yesterday. I let you have screen time. I’m not some quarrel parent, but here’s what I realized later. The issue wasn’t how often I was saying no.
The issue was how I was saying it. I was saying no with frustration, with edge, with a tone that communicated. I’m annoyed. You’re even asking, you know that, you know that tone in that edge. I think even when I said yes to things, if I’m being honest with you, Malcolm was picking up on my emotional energy of You’re such a burden.
That was a wake up call. A total wake up call. And after that realization, I started practicing something different. I started saying no with warmth, with connection, with validation, and you know, what happened? Well, the frequency of him asking didn’t change that much. I still said no plenty of times, but the feeling in our relationship completely changed.
Because he felt seen when I said no, he felt loved. Even when the answer was no. And that’s what you and I are building for you today. So how did I get there? Well, here’s the framework that changes everything. And this is what I teach in the Hive, and it’s what’s transformed my relationship with Malcolm, even during those setting and holding the limits moments.
It’s the I know and formula, and here’s how it works. You say, I know, and you insert something that validates their experience and, and then you insert holding the boundary. Let me break this down for you. The first part I know this is where you see your kid, you validate their experience, you acknowledge their feelings without agreeing or removing the boundary.
And then the second part, the, and notice I said and not, but, but erases everything before it. I know you’re disappointed, but the answer’s still no. Which is the equivalent of I don’t really care that you’re disappointed the, and holds both truths. I know you’re disappointed and the answer is no, which is the equivalent of your feelings matter and the limit stance.
Let me show you what this looks like in real life across different scenarios. Let’s say we’re talking about screen time and your kid says, five more minutes. Five more minutes. Please, please, please, please. Just five more minutes. Your old response might have been, no. Screen time is over. Stop asking. The new response could be, I know you wanna keep playing.
It’s so hard to stop when you’re having fun and screen time’s over for today. Let’s say we’re talking about bedtime and your kid says, I’m not tired. I don’t want to go to bed. Maybe your old response would be too bad. It’s bedtime. Get in bed right now. Your new response could be, Ugh. Gosh, I know, I, I hear you, that you’re not feeling tired yet and you wanna keep playing.
I get it and it’s eight o’clock, which is bedtime in our family. Let’s go get ready together and then you stop talking. Let’s say we’re talking about snacks. Can I have a snack? I’m hungry. Maybe you, the old you would’ve said, dinner is 20 minutes. You can wait. Your kid says, but I’m starving right now. And then you up the tone.
You can wait 20 minutes. You’re not gonna die. Your new response might be, oh my gosh, I can tell you’re totally hungry right now. That uncomfortable feeling in your body is telling you that it’s almost dinner time. We’re going to eat in 20 minutes. You can have some water or a piece of fruit if you need something right now, but we’re not gonna have chips or candy.
Let’s say your teen wants to do a sleepover and they tell you, everyone, mom, everyone is sleeping at Maya’s house on Friday. Why can’t I go? And you get really triggered by this. So your old response was, we’ve talked about this. The answer is still no. Your new response might be, I know you really wanna go.
I know, and it feels so hard when all your friends are getting together and our family rule is that I need to know Maya’s parents before you sleep over there. Let’s see if we can range a time for me to meet them. Let’s work on that. Do you see the pattern? You’re acknowledging the feeling, you’re validating their experience, and you’re holding the limit.
You’re not being mean, you’re not being cold, you’re not being dismissive. You’re being both firm and kind. Soft heart, strong spine. What this does is this allows your kid to feel seen. It allows them to feel heard, and the outcome is they feel loved and cared for. Even when you’re holding the limit and the limit, it stays exactly where you said it would be.
That’s peaceful parenting. Kids need limits. Let me tell you about a mom in the hive named Michelle, who completely transformed her relationship with her 9-year-old daughter using this formula. Michelle’s daughter was constantly asking for things and every time Michelle said no, her daughter would have a category five meltdown, crying, yelling, telling Michelle she was the worst mom ever.
Michelle was exhausted. She dreaded every request because she knew what was coming and frankly, she wasn’t enjoying parenting and didn’t like her daughter very much. So once Michelle got inside the hive, we started working on the I Know and Formula. The first time Michelle tried it, her daughter asked for ice cream before dinner.
Michelle took a deep breath, made sure she was as calm and responsive as she could be. She said, I hear you that you really want ice cream right now. Ice cream sounds delicious, and we’re having dinner first and after dinner if you’d like, we can have a small dessert. Her daughter started to wind up for the meltdown, but then she paused and she literally said, you understand that I want ice cream?
And the mom said, yes, of course I do. Ice cream is yummy. We love ice cream. You and I both. And Michelle’s daughter said, okay, and she walked away. Michelle was shocked. She was like, what just happened? Well, what happened is Michelle’s daughter felt seen for the first time. The no didn’t feel like a rejection.
It felt like mom sees me and there’s still a boundary. Over the next few weeks, Michelle reported. The meltdowns decreased by 70% and it wasn’t because Michelle was saying yes more. It was because the delivery changed. Connection and boundaries equal cooperation. Yes. Yes. Okay. Let me give you some specific scripts you can start using today.
I’ll organize these by age so you can find exactly what you need for your kid refusing to leave the park. Ugh, I know you don’t wanna leave. The park is so much fun and it’s time to go home for dinner Now, do you wanna walk to the car or should I carry you wanting a snack before a meal? I know your tummy is feeling hungry and dinner will be ready in a few minutes.
Do you wanna help me set the table tantrum over the wrong cup? I know you wanted and love that blue cup. Oh my gosh. That one is your favorite, huh? Yes, mommy. And it’s in the dishwasher right now. You can use the red cup and the blue cup will be clean tomorrow, and then you pause and say nothing. Let’s talk about elementary age kits, homework resistance.
I know homework feels hard right now and you really don’t wanna do it, and math is frustrating for you. And the homework needs to be finished before screen time. Do you wanna take a five minute break or should we work through it together? Morning routine battles. I know you’re feeling rushed. Mornings are hard and we need to leave in 10 minutes.
Let’s focus on getting shoes and backpack ready, wanting to quit an activity. Midseason, you might say, oh my gosh, I hear you. That soccer isn’t as much fun as you thought it would be. And you’re not enjoying practice. I get it. And in our family, we finish what we commit to. So after the season ends, we can decide if you wanna sign up again, let’s talk about teenagers.
Let’s start with the curfew pushback. You might say, oh my gosh, I know 11:00 PM feels really early to you and some of your friends get to stay out later. And this is the curfew in our family. If you wanna discuss changing your curfew in the future, we can talk about what that would look like. But tonight, it’s staying put at 11:00 PM Let’s say you have a teenager that’s wanting more independence, you might say, I hear you, that you want more freedom to make your own decisions.
That makes me so happy, because that’s developmentally appropriate. You’re working towards adulthood and right now. This is a decision I need to make as your parent and as you show me you can handle more responsibility, we’ll adjust. This is one that comes up a lot with teenagers not wanting to participate in family events.
So you might say, Hey, I totally get that. You’d rather go out with friends than come to grandma’s birthday party. I get that. And family gatherings are important to us. You don’t have to stay the whole time. But I require you to be there for at least the first two hours with your phone put away. Let’s say that your teenager and you are discussing risky behavior like vaping drinking or excessive speeding.
You might say, I know all your friends are doing this, and I can tell, or you’ve shared with me that you feel like I’m being overly protective, and this is a non-negotiable. This affects your health and safety, and I love you too much to be flexible about this. Can you see how these scripts hold the line while maintaining connection?
You’re not backing down, you’re not being permissive, you’re not being dominant. You’re being firm and kind at the same time. Okay? Now maybe you’re thinking, Lisa, that sounds great, and I love that you shared that, but what about. When my kid keeps pushing back, what do I then do with the I know and formula?
So basically, you’re asking me what you should do on round two, round three, and round 15. Well, here are your advanced scripts for when they won’t let it go. Okay? After you’ve validated once and reinforce the limit, you might say, I’ve given you my answer. The limit is staying where it is. Then, as we’ve talked about in other episodes, then stop talking.
You don’t need to re-explain. You don’t need to defend. You just hold the line quietly. When they tell you that you’re being unfair, you can say, I hear you, that this feels unfair to you and this is what’s right for our family. And then you stop talking. You don’t defend. You just hold the line quietly.
With a connected, peaceful energy. When they’re comparing you to other parents, you can say other family’s, other limits. This is the choice I’m making for us. When they’re having a full meltdown, you can say, oh my gosh, I see you’re really upset about this and you get to be upset, and I’m right here with you.
I’m right here with you, and the answer isn’t changing. And then you stay physically close if they let you, or nearby if they need space, because your calm presence is what regulates them. Now, let’s say that your kid won’t stop negotiating. You might say, asked and answered. I’m not gonna keep discussing this right now.
We’ve gone over this. I love you, and this conversation is done. Now maybe the dysregulation is on you and you’re about to lose your cool. You might say, I need to take a break. I’m incredibly dysregulated. I’m gonna step away for a few seconds or minutes, depending on their age, and then we can talk more calmly about this.
Yeah. Okay. Here’s what one parent told me. After learning these advanced scripts, I used to think that if my child was really still upset after I explained the limit. I needed to explain it better or more or differently. Maybe you can relate to this, but I finally realized sometimes they’re just gonna be upset, and that’s okay.
My job isn’t to make them happy about the limit. My job is to hold the limit while they’re having big feelings about it. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. That’s exactly it. Sometimes your kid is just going to be upset. Your job isn’t to make them happy about it. Your job is to hold the boundary or the limit while they’re having big feelings about it.
Your child’s disappointment is not a sign. You’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign they’re human. Hopefully a light bulb is going off right now in your head, and here’s how this all ties back into episode one. What about. When you don’t use these scripts, when you lose it or yell or say something harsh, well, here’s the repair script that I want you to remember.
I didn’t handle that well. When you yelled or stormed or told me you hate me, I got frustrated and I yelled back. I was unkind, I was harsh. That wasn’t okay. You deserve better from me. I’m sorry, and I’m gonna work on not yelling. When you get really dysregulated, I love you, period. That’s all you say. Let me give you an example.
You might go up to your kid and say, Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t handle that well. When you kept asking for more screen time, I got really frustrated and I yelled at you and that wasn’t okay. You deserve better from me. Even when you’re pushing boundaries, I’m sorry. Next time I’m gonna try to take a deep breath and calmly hold the limit.
I love you when you do this. You’re teaching your kids parents make mistakes and humans repair and relationships are more important than being right. Yeah. Okay. Here’s your homework to wrap up today’s episode, assignment number one. Write your top three scripts. Choose three scripts from today that fit your biggest daily battles.
Write ’em down. Put ’em in the notes section of your phone. Put ’em on a sticky note on your fridge where you’ll see them or on your bathroom mirror and practice them out loud. When your kid isn’t around, make them familiar in your mouth. Get used to hearing yourself saying them. Visualize. The moment where your kid is pushing back and practice saying the scripts out loud.
Assignment number two, the connection. Check-in this week after you hold a boundary using these scripts, check in with yourself. Did my kid feel seen? Even though they didn’t get what they wanted? If yes, that’s success. Even if they were upset, even if they cried, because remember, feeling seen and limit held.
Equals cooperation and peaceful parenting assignment Number three, track the pattern. Notice what happens over the next week when you use, I know, and instead of just no. Does the intensity of the pushback decrease? Does the battle resolve faster? Does your child come back to connection quicker after disappointment?
I want you to track this because I think you’ll be amazed. I really do. This formula works. I use it all the time with people, with my kid in my relationships, and I teach it to everyone I work with. I know. And, okay, let’s recap what we’ve built together over these last three weeks. Episode one, you learn to repair without drowning in shame.
You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to know how to make things right when you mess up. That was episode 2 61. In episode 2 62, we focused on the idea that that testing equals trust. Your kid acting their worst with you means you’re their safest person. This is secure attachment, not failure. In today’s episode, you learn to hold boundaries with connection.
The I know and formula lets you be firm and kind at the same time. You’re now on the path to becoming the clear, connected, confident parent. You can hold limits because you love your child, not because you’re trying to control them. You can validate feelings and hold limits. You can be firm and kind.
Which I like to call is the redwood tree. And here’s what I know. This isn’t easy. This is some of the hardest work you’ll ever do, especially if you’re breaking cycles. I also know that some days all of us nail it and some days we mess up and we have to repair. And some days we feel like we’re starting over and that’s okay.
That’s normal, and that’s the work. Thank you so much. For these three weeks with me, thank you for doing this work. Thank you for showing up for your kids even when it’s hard because you’re not just changing your parenting, you’re changing your child’s entire internal world. That matters a lot. Okay, until next time, I’m wishing you Peaceful Parenting.
Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.