Ep #119: Discover the Power of Peaceful Parenting: What’s Possible for Your Family?

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in. 

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I have a very special treat for you today. Today we’re going to talk about the road to peaceful parenting. As you know, 2023 is the year of up leveling our parenting. Each week, I’m trying to bring you an episode where I show you that small changes can have a big impact on your parenting. In you and your kids and your relationship with your children, as well as the level of cooperation you get from them when there’s connection.

Today, I’m joined by a very special guest. Deena is joining us today. Deena is a Hive member who’s been in The Hive for a while now, and she’s had a massive transformation. Deena is eager to share with you all what’s possible. That’s really the theme of today’s podcast. I want you to look through the lens as you listen to Deena today of what’s possible. 

Small efforts can have a big impact. Something as simple as joining a community of like-minded parents and getting coaching on the regular in as little as an hour a week can have a massive impact on your family. Deena is going to share some of her insights with us today. So let’s dig in and enjoy.

Lisa: Welcome, Deena. Welcome. I’m so, so happy to have you here today. 

Deena: Thank you, Lisa. I’m really excited to be here today, and I’m really excited to talk about this topic. I have so much bursting out of me from the time that I first joined The Hive that I really believe in giving back. When I attend each one of those calls that I can get to, there’s always oh, I can relate to that. Oh, I’ve got something to add. Oh, this worked for me. So I’m really excited to be able to talk to you today. 

Lisa: This is so good. Yeah. You’re amazing. The level of support and participation you have in The Hive, you’re like the rising tide that lifts all boats. But before we dig into that, let’s go backwards. First of all, I want to say I admire and appreciate your willingness to pay it forward to other parents because I have no doubt there’s someone right now who’s driving on the way to work that is going to be inspired by what you have to say today and is going to have the courage based on you coming and doing this with me today. 

That parent or parents are going to have the courage to get the help they desperately want to be a generation breaker, cycle breaker. To point their family in a new trajectory, and to learn new tools to show up differently in their family. 

So let me just say, from the bottom of my heart and everyone who’s listening, thank you. Thank you for being willing to do this. Thank you. So let’s talk about where you started. What was life like? What was parenting like for you before The Hive? 

Deena: Before The Hive, I have a few simple words to put that into. It was chaos. There was screaming, and I felt totally alone. 

Lisa: Okay. Chaos. Screaming, I would imagine on both parts, parent and child. Result of that, you felt alone and probably like you were the only one who wasn’t getting it right. Yeah?

Deena: Yeah, definitely did not feel like I was getting it right. There was no manual. Like, I would talk to other people, but it just didn’t seem to fit. It’s like I was looking for the direct answer on how to fix this or deal with that, and nothing was just resonating with me. 

Lisa: Yeah, that’s painful. Especially that alone part. You’re looking for resources and can’t find them. Do you remember how did you find me? I’m just curious. 

Deena: My husband’s a big podcast listener, and I was like I have time. I need to enhance my listening skills, and this is when I have time. It’s when I’m driving or when I’m sitting and waiting. I was like let me see if I can start listening to a podcast and find one. I started looking around because I had read a book about strong willed children, but the book wasn’t helping me. So I wanted to get more examples and something real. So I said well, let me find some podcasts. That’s actually how I found you. 

Lisa: Oh, that’s fantastic. Here we are, full circle moment. Now you’re on the podcast talking about the transformation you had from finding the podcast. Oh, that warms my heart. 

Deena: Yeah, it’s kind of amazing. 

Lisa: Yeah. You guys can’t see, right? But Deena and I can see each other, and we’re both grinning at each other ear to ear. It’s a full circle moment, which I just think in life those are some of the best moments ever, those full circle moments. 

Deena: Yes, I agree with you totally. That’s part of the reason why I wanted to give back. It just seemed so just to the point to bring this full circle. 

Lisa: Yeah, I love it. Okay, so you found the podcast. You started listening. Then what was the moment you jumped from… Was there something you can recall that pushed you or motivated you to go from just being a passive listener of the podcast, which is great. Right? That’s a win in and of itself.

 

But then you decided to jump into The Hive, which is my community of like-minded parents where we’re working on the road to peaceful parenting. Where you show up to live calls and get coaching from me, or you listen to the recordings and we do workshops, and we transform your parenting, right? Listening is information, and coaching is transformation. So what was it that motivated you to take the next step and join The Hive? 

Deena: Well, I’ve actually listened to all your podcasts available. I almost did them back to back because they’re so small and informative with the tools. I was like this is great. I got through a lot of them. Then I saw one of the three day challenges. I said okay, that’s my next thing. I want to really, actually have a conversation or hear you one on one. I said I’m so eager to meet this person more live than the podcast. 

So I did the three day challenge. I don’t know if you remember. I won the challenge to get a free I think it was a month. I was like, okay. Perfect. Because I loved all the podcasts, but at the end of some of them, your examples are fantastic. But I was like, oh, but can I tweak that because this is my situation. So I was eager to do, like I said, three day challenge, and then that’s when I got into The Hive from there. 

Lisa: That’s perfect. Ironically, this episode is going to air right in the middle of the three day challenge, the next one that we’re having. So if you’re listening right now and you’re like oh, I need that. I want to meet that girl, and I want to ask her specific questions. Well, then go to thepeacefulparent.com/challenge and join the challenge because you can have that exact experience right now when this podcast airs. 

All right, so you come to the three day challenge. You like what you see, you like what you hear. Because really, I do a lot of coaching in the three day challenge, and that is the difference maker. I will say I’ve been doing for 15 years now. When we can dig into you and your family and figure out what’s going on, that’s where the transformation really takes off.

All right, so fast forward. Now you’re a member of The Hive for a few months, and you’re loving it. Talk to us about what did you learn, just generally, what are some of the things that you’ve been able to learn and apply real time in your parenting? 

Deena: The first real time thing that I applied because I took it very step by step. I was like wow, this is a lot of information, but I know who I am and I can’t do it all at once. So I said I’m really going to try to focus. The first thing for me was the pause. The pause just made things so much more calm for me. I was always just jumping into the next thing with my daughter or just not even giving myself a breathing room, or her for that matter. 

So, for me, just being able to pause just gave the degrees in the room, or whatever was going on, the ability for it to come down a bit. So, for me, that was really the biggest one that I started out with. The next thing for me was more about reflection and thought work. How did I get to that place? What triggered me to get to that place? It was doing the reflection in myself and of the entire situation. 

Lisa: Yeah, those are two of the staples that we definitely work on inside The Hive. I am a big fan. I say it all the time, but we have to babysit our way to change, right? There is a lot of information, but I work with you to break it down into bite sized pieces and really find the one or two tools that really resonate with you and then put them into practice. Right?

One of the things that we work on that I firmly believe in is progress, not perfection. There’s no perfect parent. I lose my shiz. You lose your shiz. Once in a while, it’s going to happen. These are human to human relationships with growing and developing humans. So there’s new twists and turns around every corner. 

But I love that. I love that you use the pause to gather yourself, to bring down the temperature, to not rush from thing to thing, really to break that busy overwhelm cycle. It sounds like that was really your first win, Deena. Is that a great way to say it? Breaking that busy and overwhelmed cycle to just bring the temperature down. 

Deena: Yes, absolutely. I know for sure that definitely brought the whole temperature and just made me be able to be calmer and not so nervous or so anxious or trying to find a way to fix this or do that. It just gave me a minute to breathe. The breather helped her and I get a little bit of separation but connection too because I wasn’t coming directly at her with something and she wasn’t coming directly at me. We could hear each other. It gave us the pause to then be able to decide how we were going to approach it next. 

Lisa: So great. Can you give us an example of it was this way and now it’s this way. Something just really simple or something that comes to mind.  

Deena: So one example of definitely where we brought down the temperature was when I would pick her up from car line. When I would pick her up from car line, she’d jump in the car, and she would just start unloading at me. Then I would react to whatever was going on so quickly. Meanwhile, I’m trying to drive, get out of car line, pay attention to what’s going on, and react to her. It was like a perfect storm. 

So what I’ve learned to do is pause and say, I need five minutes. We’re in car line. Let’s move out of car line then pick one thing, and then we can discuss that. So I really broke it down because what I would be is so anxious to get her in the car because she’s just all over the place. I’m like oh my God, I can’t do this. 

So by taking that pause and just doing one thing and just giving direction. Hey honey, I’m glad you have a lot to tell me. Can you just give me a minute to get out of car line, get down the road a little bit, and then we can talk? 

Lisa: So good. Then here’s the beauty. As you’re doing that, taking the pause, wait till we’re out of the car line, pick one thing, you’re modeling regulation by coregulating with her. Because before prior to this, you were modeling frenetic energy in the car. Get in the car. She’s like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you’re like ah. So it’s all this freneticness just washing around inside the car. Many of you listening right now can relate. You’re like preach, girl. That is me. I’m in the car line right now. 

Then the pause, hit pause. give her some direction. Tell her what I want. One thing. Give her a minute to regulate herself while she’s thinking of the one thing, get out of the car line, and then give her compassionate listening and connect through that. Then you’re modeling that. My guess is now that probably happens on autopilot because now we’ve built a habit of regulating when we get in the car instead of dysregulating. 

Deena: Oh, yeah, and that’s what I was going to say. It’s a transformation. She now gets in the car. She just puts her back down. She buckles in. She says hi mom, and that’s it. She knows that we get out of school around, and then she hears me. I take a breath, because, again, car line to me is just stressful in general. But I take a deep breath, and I’m like hey okay, how was your day? Then we can connect. Then she picks one thing, we talk about that, and then we’re able to move to the next thing. It’s a much more calm ride home or wherever we’re going next.

Lisa: So great. I can just feel that. I can visualize it. I’m sure everyone listening can hear the pride and the confidence in your voice. I can just envision the two of you connecting through this. Now this is how she goes throughout her day connecting with people. It’s modeling. Kids don’t do what we say, they do what we do. Right? Okay, let’s talk about the second transformation you worked on, which was reflecting on how did we get here? Do you have an example of that that you can share with us? 

Deena: Yes. So, from a reflection perspective, when I first joined The Hive, one of my things that I was really struggling with was mornings. I’m sure some of these parents are sitting out there going me too. Right? Well, one of my things was struggling with is I was very scheduled and very planned. Everything had to be done in a certain order, in a certain way, at a certain time. I’m also a working parent. So I had to get some time in there in the morning too. It’s like any little deviation would send it into a tailspin, and I felt like it was completely out of control. 

So I really sat down and said to myself okay, I’ve got to give her space to work through these things. I’ve got to give her direction, and I’ve got to be able to do other things, but I can’t have it just my way. She’s her own person. So through The Hive call, we talked about a checklist, and I was like I can have her make the checklist. We can put the few things I need on it, and then we can go from there. 

So, needless to say, I think it was like 90 days’ worth of checklists that I did, and I had them all bundled for a really long time. She loved it. She gravitated to it. She felt successful when she did it. What helped me is I was just like oh, here’s your checklist. What’s next on the checklist? It wasn’t a big conversation. What I would see myself is when I would start to get anxious is I would just go take that pause and say what’s next on the checklist, honey? 

It took a while. I mean I did it for 90 straight days. Now I can successfully say here we are probably six months later, no longer have a checklist. It’s autopilot for her. She gets her few things done. We actually have a whole different morning routine now, but it works for us. 

I also found that I had to stop stressing so much about being at work and my time being like from here to here where I just let it flow into the morning now our mornings just kind of click. We connect. She does her thing. We get the checklist done. She eats her breakfast. We get all these things done, and we leave on time, and it’s so much more relaxing and calm. 

Lisa: I love it. I love it. Yeah. I mean if we agree that every behavior communicates a need, right? When we first started coaching on the mornings, you had a need of less chaos, less words. I’m not a morning person. I remember you saying. She had a need of more structure in the morning, right? Because you were tending to sort of tell her each task one at a time. Then if you felt like you guys were behind, then all of that temperature would go up. You would get dysregulated. She would get dysregulated. 

So we figured out in the coaching call, what are your needs in the morning? What are her needs? Then we did a Venn diagram where do they overlap? The checklist became the obvious thing because she got the direction she needed and got to know what was expected of her and get prepared, and you got to deliver the information with less words, which is what suits you best in the morning. She really loved the checking the things off. 

If I remember correctly, then it sort of morphed into in the beginning, you were making the checklist. Then in the middle, you two were making it the night before together, like a fun little connection activity, right? She would write it out in her handwriting and make the little boxes and put stickers on it. So then you were also using that activity to not only prepare for the morning, but spend five minutes connecting the night before, which would then further set you guys up for success, right? 

Deena: Yes. Then, in fact, when she would add stuff to list. I remember there’s a few mornings I’m concentrating on teeth, hair, getting dressed. She goes but there’s I love you, and I need a hug. So those became two more things on the checklist. But, again, that’s the connection part. She put them on, and I get that great big hug, and I get the I love you, Mommy. Then we could move through.

Lisa: I don’t think that would have happened without the reflection. I think this is one of the beauties one of the beautiful things about a community like The Hive is you show up, and it forces you into some planned time of reflection because life is so busy today. The saying is the urgent crowds the important. Right? 

So it’s easy to think as a parent our job is laundry and signing up for soccer and figuring out what we’re doing this summer. Yes, those things are important. Working out and making dinner and signing permission slips. But those are the urgent things. One of the things I really love about The Hive is it’s an hour a week to show up and work on the important, not the urgent.

Deena: For sure, for sure. 

Lisa: So good. Okay, Deena, so share with us this. I asked you at the beginning. What was it like for you as a parent before joining The Hive and doing this work? You said chaos. There was screaming. I felt alone. I didn’t have a manual. You’ve been in The Hive over a year now. Give us the words you would use now today to describe your parenting. 

Deena: Calm, peaceful, empowered. Empowered is the biggest one for me because now I feel I have the tools, and I can come to The Hive if need to be and get additional coaching. The other really important one is even when I lose my shiz, which I still do, I don’t get down on myself. I don’t feel like I have made a mistake. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go to The Hive. I can’t admit my mistakes. I can’t reflect on it. 

No, what I feel is empowered now that I can take that and say okay, let’s have an after action plan. What went on? What got me to this place? How do I do it differently? The other thing that’s really empowering there is I’ve also normalized apologizing and talking to my daughter about it. She now understands that when I lose my shiz, I turn around and said okay, mom had a moment here. I am sorry. Take responsibility for whatever I did. I’m going to work on this and I love you. I just leave it really simple. 

She’s very receptive of that she’s like it’s okay, Mommy. I’m like well, I said I have work to do. I don’t beat myself up because not a perfect parent. To me, there is no perfect parent. I’m trying my best every day, but I know where I am now is so much better than where I was before. I’m going to have slip ups, like anything in life. There’s bumps, there’s roads. It’s not perfect. 

Lisa: So good. So from chaos and screaming and alone to calm, peaceful, and empowered. I mean, mic drop right there. The look on your face, I know you mean every word of it, Deena. The Hive is my greatest accomplishment other than being a mom to Malcolm. It is my greatest accomplishment and contribution to the world. 

Because to help a parent go from chaos and alone to feeling calm, peaceful and empowered, it just makes my heart smile. I don’t know how else to say it, but my cheeks hurt sometimes from smiling over the transformation that I get to help families have. 

Let me say, Deena, I’m just so proud of you. You’ve showed up. You did the work, right? I can’t do the work for people. I meet you halfway. I hold space. I show your blind spots, and I teach you the tools. In return, you met me halfway by showing up and baby stepping your way with the work into creating calm, peace, and empowerment as a parent. Your daughter benefits from that. Everyone she will come in contact with and the adult she will be. You make the world a better place simply by doing the work to be a calm, peaceful, and empowered parent. The world benefits. 

I always say my mission, the reason I’m a parent coach, is because I believe I can change the world one family at a time. When we take a parent from chaos, screaming, and alone and in a very short period of time with as little as one hour a week help them become a calm, peaceful, empowered parent, the world shifts to a better place. I really believe that to the core of who I am. Thoughts on that?

Deena: Oh yeah. Absolutely. I’m proof. I will say it to the world and to all of you listening. I am proof. I couldn’t have done it without you, Lisa, without the podcast, without The Hive. That is part of why I am here today wanting to give back. 

So if I had to say anything to anybody out there listening. If something’s just not right and not clicking with you and you’ve talked to other parents or you’ve tried other resources, you got nothing to lose. Just try the three day challenge. Listen to one of the podcasts. Try one of the tools. Lisa gives wonderful examples in each one of the podcasts. There’s always a way to relate it back. Then jump into a Hive, try it. Try it. There’s nothing to lose. 

It’s amazing week over week. I don’t always get coaching in The Hive calls, but I sit there. There’s always a piece of every single person that talks that I can relate back to my situation and go oh, I’ve got to try that. Or oh, that’s a really good idea. Or, oh, I see what she’s saying. I have to reflect on that a little bit more. 

Lisa: That’s beautiful. Yes. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you. There is no obligation. So if this speaks to you, come join us. You go to thehivecoaching.com to join. You can join for a month, and if it’s not for you, you can say no thank you. There’s no obligation. You can cancel at any time. 

But I would really love for everyone listening to just step into it and get a taste of it to see if it’s for you. I promise you won’t be disappointed. It’s an amazing community. There’s tons of support. No matter where you live, no matter what your family looks like, no matter what you’re doing. There’s no judgment. Everybody’s welcome. I personally think it’s an amazing place, and I hope you’ll take Deena’s invitation to come and see what it’s all about and join The Hive. Okay. Anything else you want to share? 

Deena: I just want to say thank you, and I really do want to say it one more time. If you’re listening to this and anything stuck with you, please just come, like Lisa said, and give it a try. Just anything. Listen to a podcast, any one of those tools. Come to The Hive. Do the three day challenge. You won’t regret it. I really hope that this brings in at least one person, and it resonates. 

Lisa: Thank you so much, Deena. You paid it forward beautifully. I know that you really wanted to do this. I know you’re a big champion of it, and I’m just so grateful for you. I know that people listening, it’s so beautiful when we get a taste of what success could look like. There’s someone listening right now who’s identifying with chaos, screaming, and alone. They might be driving down the road or walking around the block with tears streaming down their face right now because they feel like you’re telling their story.

If you want to be able to come on this podcast down the road and tell your story of success where you have transformed into that calm, peaceful, and empowered parent, I have lots of tools for you. Lots of tools, as Deena said. Join the three day challenge. We’re halfway through, or jump into The Hive if you’re listening to this episode later. Again, you won’t be sorry. 

All right. Deena, I couldn’t love you more. I love you with my whole heart, and I’m so proud of you. I’m so grateful for you coming and talking and sharing your story with us today. So thank you. Thank you, thank you. 

Deena: Thank you, Lisa. 

Okay, that’s today’s episode. The goal today was to move you into action. Do something. Do something small. Remember, 2023 is the year of up leveling our parenting where small, tiny, little changes, like jumping into a challenge or joining a membership, can have a massive impact on you, your parenting, and your relationship with your kids. So consider today’s episode my personal invitation to you to do something small that is guaranteed to have a big impact. Okay. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. 

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.