Ep #152: Seeing Your Blind Spots as a Parent: A Real-World Success Story with Felice

Real World Peaceful Parenting with Lisa Smith | Seeing Your Blind Spots as a Parent: A Real-World Success Story with Felice

As your dedicated parent coach, helping you identify blind spots in your parenting is a huge part of my work. I am here to hold space for you, equip you with essential tools for creating connection with your kids, and reveal the things that could be holding you back that you may not even see.

Blind spots often masquerade as limiting beliefs or thoughts that leave your potential untapped. When you have them, you struggle to see reality as it is and for what it can become. They cloud your judgment, but once you can identify and understand them, you can start showing up as the parent you really want to be.

Tune in this week for a conversation with Hive member and coach Felice about our blind spots as parents. We’re discussing the impact of not acknowledging our blind spots, how they dysregulate us and stop us from creating real connection with our kids, and most importantly, what you can do about them. 


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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • Why, even as a coach herself, Felice needed help identifying her blind spots.
  • The blind spots Felice and many other parents out there struggle with.
  • How a coach helps you see your own blind spots.
  • Two fundamental parenting challenges that are a result of blind spots.
  • Why blind spots leave you dysregulated as a parent.
  • How to begin meeting your child the way they want and need to be met.


Listen to the Full Episode:


Featured on the Show:

  • Click here to sign up for my free Peaceful Parenting mini-course! You’ll find everything you need to continue on the path to peaceful parenting over there just waiting for you. 
  • Send us an email!
  • Message me on Instagram and tell me how you felt after 10 minutes of undivided attention with your child.
  • Click here to join The Hive!
  • The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks
  • Peggy O’Mara


Full Episode Transcript:

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in.

Lisa Smith: Welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode, I have a special treat for you today. Today, we’re going to delve into the elusive realm of blind spots. Ah, this is going to be so good. As your dedicated parent coach, my role extends beyond conventional guidance. If you ask me what I do, I say I hold space for you. I unveil those hidden blind spots, and I equip you with essential tools to create connection and cooperation with your kids.

These blind spots often masquerade as limiting beliefs, notions that fail to serve our greater purpose. Renowned author Gay Hendricks, who I really love, aptly terms this the upper limit in The Big Leap. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend you give it a shot. Blind spots lurk just beyond our periphery, obstructing our path to realizing untapped potential, just like the blind spot in our car.

These thoughts hinder our ability to perceive reality as it is and what it can become. Let me say that again, because I need you, yes you while driving and looking in your blind spot, I need you to hear this. Blind spots are really dangerous because they hinder our ability to perceive reality as it is, especially with our kids, and what it can become, especially with our kids.

Blind spots stealthily, try saying that three times, influence our judgments leading us to believe in the objectivity of our thoughts and decisions despite acknowledging biases in our thinking process. This is such an important topic to me. We talk about this all the time in The Hive. In fact, I would argue it’s the backbone of the calls that we have each week.

Recently, one of The Hive members, Felice, who is a coach herself and an amazing woman, an amazing human, the mother of two teenage boys, and super involved in the coaching world. Felice and I were having this incredible coaching moment and conversation and realization about blind spots. Then it’s like a ton of bricks fall on my head, and I invited her to the podcast today to come and allow us to have a robust conversation for you, the listener, about blind spots. So with no further ado, let me welcome. Let me just lovingly welcome Felice to today’s podcast. Welcome, Felice.

Felice: Hi, Lisa, thank you so much for having me.

Lisa: So excited to have you here. So give us a little background. You’re a coach, and you have two teenage sons, one super strong willed, right?

Felice: One of them is 15, and one of them is 13. Yeah, the younger one, they’re Jackson and Gavin, is super strong willed, like you said. Really, the main reason why I joined The Hive was because I was really having problems, even as a coach, navigating myself through my relationship with my son, and I needed somebody else to come in and help me shift my perspective on what was going on in my house.

Lisa: Wonderful. Yes. That happens on the regular, right? You show up. You ask a question. We find your blind spot first. Then we talk about the tool that you’re going to use to create the connection and cooperation. But I would say, and you can add to this, it always starts with recognizing, as the parent, our own blind spot, yes?

Felice: Oh, absolutely. When you and I were having calls, and when you’re getting coached, it is really incredible sometimes when somebody points out a blind spot for you because you don’t really recognize that that is an example of a blind spot that’s probably pervasive in your relationship with your child. So one of the things that you had pointed out to me was why do I ask questions that I know the answer to? I had to take a pause.

When you said that, it was like 10,000 instances of when I do that, and I invite conflict or power struggle into my relationship with my son. I couldn’t see that I was doing that. So I think one blind spot is typically it’s almost like a little virus in your relationship with your child. But it does take somebody lifting up the hood and helping you see that where I’m doing something in one area, I’m probably doing it in multiple areas.

Lisa: Yeah. I want to say this to all of us, and I remind myself of this on the regular. Every human being has blind spots. It’s part of the human experience. No one escapes humaneness without having blind spots. Some of us have it in our romantic relationships, some of us have it with our parents, some of us have it with our job. Some of us have it with our hobbies. Some of us have with our bodies, and many of us have it with our children.

But rest in the knowledge, listener, that every single human has blind spots, which is why I’m a big advocate of coaching in general and why I believe the coaching industry exists. Because whether you have a fitness coach, a discipline coach, a career coach, a parent coach, a life coach. If that coach is doing his or her job, one of the main responsibilities they have is to help you see your own blind spots. Wouldn’t you agree, Felice?

Felice: Yeah, absolutely. I think one of the most incredible things about getting coached is let me put you this way. One time, I had somebody actually say something to me that resonated with me. Hopefully, it does resonate with your listeners. She was explaining to me that it is your brain that is creating the problem. so one of the issues is you’re going to your same brain to solve a problem that it’s creating. So it’s like you’re giving your brain a task that brain that’s creating the problem, please also diagnose and course correct.

Lisa: Yes, perspective. We need help seeing around the blind spot, which is why it’s called that. We need help sorting out the thoughts from the facts. that’s what I think a good coach does is they help you sort out what are the facts here. My kid won’t put their shoes on in the morning. My son doesn’t want to do his homework from all the thoughts that we pile onto the facts, right.

A blind spot or limiting beliefs, let’s define this for a second, is a thought that we think over and over again that becomes a belief. That’s what beliefs are. They’re thoughts that we’ve thought over and over again. A limiting belief is a belief that does not serve us. That’s all it is. we all have them. We all have beliefs that do not serve us, do not serve the relationship, do not serve our child.

so I just want you to know if this is your first, as the listener, entree into blind spots, one of the things I want you to know is that you’re not broken. Nothing’s gone wrong. You’re not a bad parent because you have blind spots. You’re not a bad human being. You’re not flawed. It is fundamental to the human experience. everyone who has thoughts has blind spots. So rest in that knowledge, that is a normal part of the process.

Now, I love Maya Angelou saying once you know better, you do better. Right? So once you know that you have blind spots, that they happen as part of the brain, like Felice said, then it’s what are you going to do about it? Are you going to let them sit there and fester? Or are you going to try to, as Felice called it, like a virus. Are you going to let the virus fester? Or are you going to eradicate it by identifying the blind spots?

So let’s talk about the two fundamental challenges I believe that are posed in parenting from blind spots. First, they complicate matters unnecessarily causing us to lose focus or perspective when it’s most critical. They see doubt in ourselves and our children suggesting we might be down the wrong path.

This is something I see a lot in parents I work with. 99.9% of us doubt our parenting. We doubt it. I realized the reason that we doubt it is because of blind spots, which is so fascinating to me. There are facts. My child is developmentally capable of X. My child has an interest in Y. My child struggles with this. There are core basic facts. then there are all these thoughts that get surrounded by the facts, compounded, and they see doubt in ourselves and in our children, and that confuses us. Right?

I think this is kind of what we talked about last week, Felice, with you. It’s easy with a strong willed, difficult child who’s been through a lot and is entering the teen years, right. He’s 13. having had a 13 year old boy, I can totally relate to the struggle that is for the boy and the parents. on top of it, he’s strong willed. there’s a lot of limiting beliefs for you right now with your son, especially given your older child is more compliant, affable, easygoing. Right. so a lot of doubt creeps in for you. that’s what we work on each week is kind of sorting all that out.

Felice: Yeah. I think for me, one of the things that you just said then. Well, when you were talking, I wanted to just comment on one thing. I think without coaching, sometimes it’s very hard to identify your blind spots, because we ingest a lot of blind spots from our society, right? So it’s like we just accept this notion of how a typical kid should behave.

you never question that standard. it comes in, like you said, like a limiting belief that if my child doesn’t perform X, Y, and Z, then they will never be able to, or that there’s something broken with you as a parent that you can’t get your child to this certain level.

So I think a blind spot too is very hard to identify by yourself because a lot of times, it’s not even your own thinking. It’s thinking that’s ingrained to you from people who are supposedly experts. so I do think that’s number one is some of your blind spots are so ingrained in your brain, you can’t even identify them. that’s what you helped me identify was is this a thought that’s serving me and even a thought that I want to have?

When we talk about my son, Jackson, and his ability, his strong will, I never approach parenting the way that you have coached me to where I let be him. I think one of the things that we have coached on is that if it’s not going according to socialized norms then it’s not going right. I think that might be the biggest blind spot for a lot of parents is that this notion of there’s one way to parent your child, and that is they should fit into the box. if they don’t fit into the box, then there’s really no way for you to progress or to see growth or to let your child be themselves.

So amazing thing that you have shown me when we were talking yesterday is the ability to just let your child be themselves without piling on these limiting beliefs, which really, I think, is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that your child is not mainstream, you manifest that in your parenting.

Lisa: I couldn’t agree more. That is brilliant, everything you just said. People want to dump their thoughts on us, whether it’s society, our parents, a teacher, a coach. They want to dump their thoughts on us about our kid, which sometimes becomes our limiting belief, whether it’s society or maybe our mother comes over and kind of gives us a look like ah. Then we externalize those limiting beliefs onto our children. they live into those thoughts, which is a whole other podcast I’m working on bringing to you listener.

Because if we repeat something out loud enough times over and over again, our kids will take on that identity. that will become their belief about themselves. They will live into that belief. So if you have a kid and you say all the time, you’re disorganized, or you’re a liar, or you’re not responsible, or you’re not coordinated, or you’re too loud, or you’re too big. You say it enough times.

Peggy O’ Mara coined that phrase that our outer voice becomes their inner voice. once something becomes our inner voice, we live into that. We take that on as our identity, which is why I think it’s so important as parents, back to the limiting beliefs, that we identify them. We identify the blind spot, and here’s why.

Blind spots dysregulate us as parents. Remember, it’s a belief that doesn’t serve you. So we’re not here today to talk about all the beliefs that do serve us. We’re talking about the limiting beliefs or the blind spots. So the problem with the blind spots are they dysregulate us, often leading to emotional upheavals like anger, fear, worry, anxiety, which then causes us to reach for control and compliance.

they become barriers to solving problems and maintaining a clear perspective on our child’s developmental capabilities, emotional capabilities. This, I think, is one of the biggest dangers of blind spots is that we lose perspective.

So for example, sometimes it’s easy to lose perspective on what a 13 year old boy is capable of based on brain development. At 13, and I remind Felice of this all the time, her son is still at least 12 years away from a fully developed brain, right? He doesn’t have executive function fully developed yet, throw some ADHD in there on top of it and post pandemic. We have to stay grounded in a clear perspective in what our children are capable of. I think the problem with blind spots, one of the biggest ones, is it skews all of that. It takes us off the path.

Felice: Yeah, I would agree. 100%. I would actually tell you before I was coaching with you, I was parenting from a place of fear. definitely from a, like you said, that belief that does not serve me. So I think when you parent from a place of fear, you get into this fixit mode where you do lose perspective of what the actual experiences is for your child.

I love how you coach and connection. that is the fastest way to disconnection is to parent from a place of I need to fix you. I’m afraid of what other people may think. I’m afraid that you’re falling behind. I’m afraid that you will never get there. Those types of beliefs that you have underlying in your parenting style, you’re not even aware of it, but it’s coming out.

So your child is sensing I don’t have self confidence in you to be able to do this. that they receive. They see that. They respond to that. They get anxious. They shut down. I didn’t realize that was a lot of my parenting style until you brought it out to me. Like I was approaching my son with fear instead of curiosity. Instead of trying to settle into what’s happening here, I had, like you said, my whole set of limiting beliefs is this shouldn’t be happening. you should be more developed than you are now. I need to fix this immediately. that was like I was like spoon feeding him all of my anxieties, and then he was playing them out in his behavior.

Lisa: Yes, yes. I love that you just shared that with us because here’s the thing I want to talk about is that when our blind spots dysregulate us, it creates a form of resistance between us and our child. It’s this angsty, power-struggling resistance. that keeps us from problem solving and really understanding what our kid is capable of. on the kid side, it feels like a form of you don’t accept me for how I am. You reject me.

The child, particularly if they’re strong willed. I know we both have experienced this, they want to resist that. So resistance is being met with resistance. it just makes this big ball of anxiety and control and dysregulation and power struggling, and none of it feels good.

Felice: No, it feels terrible. I honestly will tell you I think before I joined The Hive, I would describe my parenting as a boxing match. It was like him against me. when you have a strong willed child, that boxing match can go for rounds and rounds. I think when you have somebody come in and help you see your blind spots or your limiting beliefs about your child, you’re able to drop your own rope and let this child go.

for me, one of the things that we will continue to coach on together is to self-trust that he will figure it out. I think that the opposite of this blind spot limiting belief around not doing it right, or having doubts about your child’s ability is resting in the insurance in the confidence that this child will figure it out and showing your child that they are 100% safe and capable as they are, which I have seen massive differences in Jackson when I show up in that energy.

But I didn’t realize how much of my parenting was coming from a source of I have to show you. You’re not doing it right. You can’t do it. Let me take the reins. that was always like we were in a tug of war. There was no connection. We were never on the same side. I never really even got to see how he may solve problems. I was always ahead of the fact. So I definitely agree 100%, especially if you have a strong willed child. Basically, it’s like adding gasoline to a fire when you go in with that type of energy.

Lisa: Exactly. Totally. Yeah. that’s been my experience. Whenever I fall back into the trap of power struggling with my son, it’s a boxing match. I mean, I think you well described it. When I hold space that my kid is perfect as he is and that he will figure it out, you can just feel all the stressors instantly relax.

Now I want to be clear with the listener as we let it go and trust our children and trust ourselves and trust our kids to figure it out, we’re also setting limits, right? Felice is not turning into a permissive parent where Jackson at 13 gets to set all the rules and do whatever he wants. Felice is still the peaceful leader of the household. I’m careful to always say this because this is not real world permissive parenting. This is real world peaceful parenting.

But I want to talk about this for a minute because I think you bring a really great perspective, Felice. Isn’t it true that as you dropped the rope and trusted and accepted Jackson as he is, and really found that sweet spot where there was connection and cooperation, it was so much easier to set the limits as the peaceful leader of the household, and he was so much more willing to follow them. Yes?

Felice: Oh, yeah, absolutely. 110%. I think, like I said, I think the biggest aha if we’re going to talk about blind spots, like my biggest blind spot if I had to put it in neon lights is that I was the one who had to fix him. I didn’t realize that was in so much of my parenting. When I dropped the blind spot of real parenting is fixing your child and making them mainstream, it was so much easier for me to shift into self-confidence. now my new thought is what you share with all of your listeners and has been 100% impactful is I have the self-confidence that he will figure it out.

Now, the other part is I’ve never actually invited him into cooperation when we are setting limits. So I think that’s another part of like, he has ideas. We meet halfway. Some of his ideas, I think, are appropriate. Some of them, I tell them they’re not. We’d go back to the drawing board. But I think the fact of the matter is now it’s way more of a partnership and less of a power struggle in terms of those types of consequences because he’s in awareness. We’ve had communication about it. He doesn’t love it sometimes.

One of the best coaching lines that you have given to me that I share with him is I know that when I enforce the limit, you may not be happy with me, but this is what we’ve agreed upon. it’s just a different communication. I don’t tell him these challenging. I don’t tell him he’s strong willed. I don’t tell him he’s defiant. Instead, I identify with this motion must be tough. It must be hard for you to experience living through the consequence that we both agreed on.

But it’s, again, trying to position myself that we’re still on the same team instead of a message like you knew this would happen. This is what we said. it’s almost like the way I used to deliver a consequence was punitive, and that would fire him up.

now I’m just more like these are the terms and conditions that you and I agreed upon. I’m reminding you that when we set them, I also reminded you that you may struggle while we go through this together, but we’ll come out the other side. So even through the really tough parts when I dropped this he needs to be fixed, and I shifted more into he’s a human who needs to be supported. My experience of holding the limit is so different.

Rather than here we go again, he screwed it up again reliving the same scenario again. I’m in a different headspace with him where I’m like yeah, this is probably pretty challenging for him. I don’t view it as he’s never gonna get it. I view it as we’re just not there yet. The lesson hasn’t been absorbed yet. It’s just a different way of thinking about it.

Lisa: Oh, my gosh Felice. Just listening to you talk and how far you and Jackson have come, it makes me just want to weep tears of joy for the two of you. For the relationship that’s being formed, the connection, the trust. Your son must feel so seen and heard and respected and valued while you’re setting these limits, right?

I mean, this is the thing is that limits allow our children to feel safe, loved, and know what’s expected. when you’re setting these limits and enforcing the consequences of the limit while accepting him and giving him space to feel his feelings. There’s a part of him that is resisting it and not liking it and being mad at himself, but there’s also a part of him that’s feeling wholly accepted in his mistake in how he’s showing up right now. that turns on the internal compass within our children.

Being punitive does not turn on the internal compass. Being punitive has our kids either turn into people pleasers. I need to be good so I don’t get hurt physically, emotionally, or I need to hide my mistakes so I don’t get caught. It does not turn on the internal compass.

Felice: Yeah. I think for us together, it has helped with his emotional maturity and growth for me to help him identify that he’s actually angry that this is happening, but that anger is normal and natural and is part of the human experience, and also something that he signed up for. That we were in agreement.

But I want to say another story which I was waiting to tell you this story, and it is definitely 110% massive growth from your program. I can’t recommend it enough. Like I was telling Lisa, I would be shooting it from the rooftops if I can. I think the blind spot that Lisa and I were talking about was I really used to come into my parenting with fear, control, anxiety. I was parenting from that place literally in every area, and just creating so much disconnection. It was an awful experience as a parent.

So I would even say, for you listener, if you’re thinking about it, just you getting to experience in parenthood is so much more peaceful and enjoyable. I mean, your kid is getting so many benefits. That’s awesome. But for me myself, like I’m just enjoying parenting.

But the story I wanted to share with you was on Saturday, we had made an agreement that he would do his homework because Sunday was really busy. Saturday comes along, he doesn’t want to do it. I hold the limit. It’s a very tense time, but I’m okay with it in my mind because instead of making it about me or about him that he’s bad, I’m just making it about the human experience, letting him have his emotions.

On Sunday, he came to me and said, “You know, mom, sometimes I get very angry with you when you,” in his words, “you keep me accountable. But deep down inside, I know that’s what it should be. It comes out like anger, but I love you for always keeping me accountable.”

It’s almost like they’re aware of the amount of love it takes to parent in that way. he has never spoken to me like that ever, you know. the truth of the matter is we had two wins. He did his homework on Saturday. He expressed himself just out of nowhere on Sunday. I’m sorry about yesterday in the way that I showed up. I pointed out to him that you also created a win Jackson because here on Sunday, you’re tired and you don’t have to do your homework.

It was just, my husband, I thought, was going to fall out of his chair when he was telling me about how he’s angry, but he’s appreciative that I hold him accountable. It was wild. I never even, without us being able to connect and some ways feel on the same team, would he ever feel safe enough to tell me I don’t love it when you hold me accountable? But I think it speaks to that safety thing. He didn’t have the language, but what I heard from him was, and I feel safe when you do.

Lisa: What a beautiful story. that’s an example, Felice, of so many things. That story culminates in connection, setting limits on his behalf, calmly holding space to them. He borrowed your regulation while he was dysregulated. Keep letting him feel his feelings while holding the limit.

then really turning on the internal compass. He’s getting a chance to see that when you hold him accountable. That’s a form of love, and great things happen for him. So as he gets older, he’ll be able to hold himself accountable for things.

I was with my son this weekend. we had such a great visit together. there wasn’t a ton of time, but the time that we were face to face, because I went for his first basketball game. they’re just busy before games, before, during, and after. So we got a little time one on one. he said, “ You know, mom.” He said, “We’re halfway through the semester, and I’ve been to every class. I haven’t cut class yet once.” I can see all the connection while holding limits that we’ve had over the years and recognizing blind spots has led to now, as a freshman in college, he’s holding himself accountable in a way that feels like showing up for himself. it was beautiful to see. He’s so proud of it.

I think when you get to college, you have a lot of freedom. You have a lot of liberties that you can take for the first time ever. No one’s going to know if you don’t go to class. he’s really holding himself to that standard. then he’s able to reflect it back or share it with me as a source of pride. also I felt like a source of connection because we’ve talked about this a lot in preparation for going off to school. How important it is to go to every single class, go to class, turn in the homework, interact with the teachers. You’re 70% of the way there.

My kid, he’s a non-traditional learner. He doesn’t love studying. So really setting the expectation go to class, do all the work, show up with the teachers, get to know them. You’re 70% of the way there. So, like you, I felt that connection when he said I’m holding myself accountable here. I felt like what he was also saying is you taught me how to do this.

Felice: Totally. I think getting back to our idea of blind spots and limiting beliefs. I don’t think that experience would have been that way for him if I would have held the limit from a place of fear. Like you’re never going to, like and here you are against screwing up. here we are again fighting.

Instead, my mindset was like he’s allowed to have his feelings. I’m sure he’s really angry. I keep reminding him about how we came up with this together. it was so much easier for me to stay regulated when I wasn’t thinking I need to fix you. He felt that too.

so I think when we go back to that blind spot, my biggest blind spot, like I said if I had to summarize it, was I need to fix you. when I dropped that into, I don’t need to fix you. all I need to do is connect with you, support you, do these things that help you, like you said, mature into the next level and develop the skill sets that you’re going to need to have self-mastery in your life.

It feels different. It feels like a gift I’m giving him and not like a consequence, punishment, suffering, pain. here I am in this place of inadequacy, and here my mom and I go round and round again. I think because of the fact that like one, I dropped the I need to fix you narrative, which was everywhere. Like I said, it was my blind spot. It was everywhere. It was like I was parenting him like that in every aspect of our life from how you eat at the dinner table to it was everywhere.

But now it’s more like, let’s get curious. Let’s see what’s going on with you. let me just rest in that you are going to be 110% okay, but my only job is, like you said,  to hold the boundary. I think that, like you said, it’s definitely not permissive parenting. In fact, it’s the complete opposite of that. It’s holding the space for your child to stay where they’re going to be experiencing progress and momentum and also being allowed to be themselves at the same time.

Lisa: That’s beautiful. Thank you so much for paying that forward and sharing that Felice. Let me explain to the listener why I need to fix him was showing up in every aspect of Felice’s parenting. I want to talk about this for a second and then we’ll wrap up.

Here’s what happens to the brain, and this is confirmation bias at its best. Okay? So here’s what’s happening. I know you know this Felice. When we have a belief, whether it’s a belief that serves us, or limiting belief, a thought that doesn’t serve us, i.e. a blind spot. When we have a belief, it is an assignment to our brain. You are telling your brain I believe X. Now go find me evidence to support this. the brain finds it 100% of the time.

if it can’t find evidence, it skews or makes things up or twists it around to support your belief. Your brain never ever says. Really? Do we really want to believe that? Is that good for you? The part of the brain that does this, the part of the brain that is involved in limiting beliefs doesn’t question them. It takes it as a homework assignment.

I believe I’m pretty. Silly example. But then all day long, my brain shows me evidence that I’m pretty. A guy smiles at me and holds the door open for me. The girl at Starbucks tells me that my outfit is cute. My friend say oh my gosh, you’re looking good, Lisa. My husband comes home and says wow, you look great. That’s all evidence to support I’m pretty. I think I’m pretty.

If I think I’m not pretty, all day long, my brain finds evidence. I look in the mirror, and I see my makeup’s not done right. I read an article that says that skinny jeans are out, and I should be wearing a different kind of jean. my brain takes that as evidence that I don’t know how to dress and therefore I don’t look good. Whatever you believe, your brain will find evidence.

So when Felice believed I need to fix him, her brain looked for evidence all day. it probably found it in how he slurped his milk at the breakfast table, how he dressed, his shirt wasn’t completely tucked in, or he didn’t have the right socks on. How he slammed the door in the car, how he sits in the seat, how he doesn’t want to do his homework.

All day long her brain was validating the belief I need to fix my kid. that puts us in fight or flight all day long. Right? So this is why it’s so important to identify these blind spots so that you can break the cycle of your brain looking for evidence to believe it or to support it, I should say.

this is what happened. Felice came into The Hive. She said something to me. That was very matter of fact. I said well, wait a minute. Let’s back up to this. we discovered this limiting belief, I need to fix him. We questioned that. Does that serve Felice? These are my three questions. Does it serve the parent? Does it serve the kid? Does it serve the relationship?

So we dug into that. It didn’t serve her. It certainly didn’t serve Jackson. it definitely didn’t serve the relationship as she’s described for us. So we came up with, you know she questioned it. Do you want to believe that? She was like no, I don’t want to believe that. When we talk about it, it doesn’t feel good.

We came up with a new belief, which is he’s perfect the way he is. He just needs guidance and help and support in getting on the right path. He needs guidance, support, and help doing his homework. We need to have a conversation about it. We set some limits around it. But I don’t believe anymore I need to fix him.

then our brain started looking for evidence that he’s perfect the way he is, he just needs guidance. She felt a shift in the relationship, and it opened it all up. It opened up connection. It opened up cooperation. It opened up turning on the internal compass.

So the other thing I want you to know about limiting beliefs is they’re super, quote, dangerous, not just because we have them, but because then we give our brain an assignment to find proof, and it’s going to find it 100% of the time. I want you to have a lightbulb moment about this. Whatever you believe, your brain is going to find evidence.

Felice: I’m like, again, getting my mind blown for like the 100th time. It’s 100% true. I could not tell you that was 100% my experience. it is not fun being a parent when you’re on the hunt for why your kid needs to be fixed. it is way more enjoyable. you’re able to fill your cup up so much more when you’re like my kid is perfect. I just need to show them guidance. They’re find exactly the way they are.

another belief that I really adopted is I’m 100% confidence that he can figure it out. without me having to fix him and shifting it to him, I’m confident in your ability to figure it out. I mean, the pressure temperature was like one of those InstaPots, I just let it out.

now I’m so different because I’m like, guess what kid? You can figure it out. I’m just going to be here as that like lighthouse to help find the way. But when it took 110% responsibility of me, the parent, on to like this is actually his responsibility with some loving guidance. that, like you said, opened up the relationship so much more. I think he felt my shift in I’m not bringing you nervous, frantic, panic energy anymore. Not all because he’s strong willed, but a big portion of the power struggle.

it’s a work in progress. I’m still always working on it, and so is he. But like the boxing match relationship has definitely downgraded to like something completely manageable. But that could not be without, like you said, an outside person coming in and helping you see my brain. I could have never gotten there by myself.

Lisa: I love it. I love it. Well, thank you. Thank you so much Felice for coming and sharing your story. I know that so many people are going to benefit. So many people can relate, and they’re like wow, are you in my house? Do you have a camera? You’re telling my story. So thank you so much for doing it. I really, on behalf of all the listeners, we appreciate you.

Felice: Yeah, absolutely. Thank you Lisa for having me. It was a great conversation.

Lisa: Wonderful. Okay, listener. Listen, today we explored the tricky world of blind spots in parenting. These sneaky thoughts can make us doubt ourselves and our kids, causing worry and making things really complicated. Remember, these blind spots often stop us from seeing how truly amazing our kids are. They can make us feel scared or angry, making it tough to see things clearly.

But the good news is we can tackle these tricky thoughts together. that’s where The Hive comes in. It’s my membership community where we dig into all things parenting. In The Hive, just like Felice, you can learn how to spot these sneaky thoughts and deal with them in a positive way. End boxing match permanently and find that connection and cooperation that you’re looking for.

So if you want to be part of a supportive group where we can work on understanding and handling these tricky blind spots, come join us in The Hive. We’re waiting for you. Together we’ll make parenting easier and more enjoyable. Go to thehivecoaching.com to join, and I’ll see you there. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

Thank you so much for listening today. I want to personally invite you to head over to thepeacefulparent.com/welcome and sign up for my free peaceful parenting minicourse. You’ll find everything you need to get started on the path to peaceful parenting just waiting for you over there at www.thepeacefulparent.com/welcome. I can’t wait for you to get started.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.


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Lisa Smith

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