Ep #59: How to Deal with The Parenting Police

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I know I say it every week, but I’m excited to be with you here today. As we head further into February of 2022, I want to stay on the roll on the path that we’re on in working to becoming a better parent, right. This is our dedication this year. 2022 is the year of becoming a better parent.

Today I want to talk about what our parenting looks like to other people. Many of us have rules in our head about how our kids should present and how our parenting should look to the outside world. So let’s dig into today’s episode. I’m going to begin by asking you a question.

Have you got some rules in your head, whether they’re conscious or unconscious? Do you have rules about what is the right kind of behavior for a responsible parent who’s bringing up a good kid? Do you have rules? Can you picture how a good parent, a responsible parent would deal with their kid when the kid is acting up, when the kid is not listening, when the kid won’t get off Xbox, when the kid talks back?

You probably do. Most of us do. We have a fantasy or a picture of what a “responsible parent” or “responsible parenting” looks like. Maybe you have beliefs about the expectations you need to have. Or if you don’t have these expectations and your kid isn’t getting it right then you’re letting them off the hook. Things are off the rails. Things are out of control. You’re not doing it right. Yeah?

If you ask them about what’s going on for them instead of yelling at them or grounding them or punishing them. You might say to yourself if I let them off the hook or if I ask them about what’s going on instead of grounding them or punishing them then I’m an irresponsible parent or I’m too soft or I’m letting them get away with something. Sometimes we think this and sometimes other people think this, and sometimes other people “tell us” this.

In our own mind, it’s as though you’ve got the parenting cops running around checking that you’re not letting your kids get away with anything or get away with it, right. Sometimes we’re triggered because we want to parent one way, the real world peaceful parenting way, but we’re afraid.

There are these parenting cops, these fictitious parenting cops or maybe real ones running around telling us that if we ask our kids what’s going on, we scuba dive down to the feelings and needs instead of addressing the behavior with yelling, threatening, punishing then we’re letting our kids get away with something. The parenting cops are going to judge us.

Oh I don’t know. You’re being too soft. You’re letting them get away with something. You’re being irresponsible. you’re not telling them like it is. You’re not handling it. It makes us want to control the behavior or expect outward behaviors so that we can get a thumbs up from the parenting cops. Hey look, I’m a good parent. My kid’s asking nice.

Let me give you some examples. You’re at the playground and all of a sudden a little boy next to your little girl is crying, and you demand your kid immediately go and apologize and march them across the playground to say they’re sorry. Maybe you didn’t notice that your little one is hurt. Maybe they hurt their ankle and every step is agony.

Another example is you say, “Look, if we have any more of this behavior then I’m never going to.” Fill in the blank. Bring you back here, come swimming again, go to the beach, bring you to Target. Maybe you find out that your child had a rough day at school because they’ve been teased a school all day and didn’t know how to tell you because you were so mad at her.

Her friends were being mean to her, and this is the real reason she’s acting up. But you didn’t know that because you focused on the behavior and not scuba dive down to the feelings and needs because you’re afraid that the parenting police are going think you’re not a good parent because your kid’s acting up.

Maybe you get uncomfortable that you’re not the perfect family at a restaurant. The kind that colors pretty pictures quietly while sitting at full attention with the crayons rather than pouring out sugar packets to make a sugar loaf mountain. So you immediately with a harsh tone cut off the creativity that inspired the sugar loaf mountain. Now listen I’m not saying that you do let them pour sugar everywhere. Just that you appreciate the artistry and you appreciate what might be going on underneath like boredom while they’re waiting for the adults to finish their dinner.

Another example might be when your kids storm in the store and you get angry and speak to them in a very stern, harsh voice to show the other adults presents that you’re in control and that you’re not a pushover. When instead you could help your kid learn to control his emotions by reestablishing the connection and finding out what’s really going on for him.

Sure maybe shouting at your kid in the parking lot does make it look like you mean business and you’re not going to take any crap, but what is your child really learning from all this? Maybe he’s learning that my parent doesn’t care that I’m hurting. My parent doesn’t understand I’m speaking the language of help. My parent doesn’t care that I’m being teased. My parent doesn’t care about what was going on right before the tears started.

Maybe your child is learning that I’m a bad kid when I play and create something that I’m bored and don’t know what to do with myself while the adults are eating dinner. Maybe your child is learning my parent doesn’t help me when I’m tired, hungry, and find things overwhelming.

The idea of what a good parent does or doesn’t do isn’t helping you. It’s all about what’s happening on the surface, and it’s not really about what’s going on for your kid. Sometimes this means you do look like a pushover to the parenting police. You do look like you’re being soft. You do look like your kid’s getting away with something.

You look like the parenting police, who might be your mother. The parenting police might be a parent at the playground who’s giving you the side eye. An elderly lady at church who’s staring at you while your kid is melting down. It might be the sighs under the breath or your mother-in-law or the strangers at the airport while your anxious child is having a meltdown waiting to board the flight because they’re unsure of what’s happening.

You can be the parent who helps your daughter with a warm hug after she’s calmed down from a storm of huge emotions in the middle of Target with everyone watching. You can be the parent that ignores the sighs or the looks or the judgment from the parenting police and realize that she’s had a tough day and she’s tired and hungry. You can be the parent who realizes her storm doesn’t mean she’s disrespecting you.

It doesn’t mean you’re not parenting well. It means she’s having a hard time not giving you a hard time. You can use the clues to find out what’s really going on because you’re not being triggered by the parenting police. You’re not proving that you’re a good parent with your stern behavior. Rather you’re connecting with your child.

The reward for that is that you’ll be able to deal with the situation in a way that is respectful to your child and their feelings and needs. They’ll realize that you are listening to what’s going on for them. You are playing detective. You are scuba diving down to the feelings and needs even while the old parenting police is watching. You’re signaling, you’re showing, you’re modeling that you value the relationship with the child over the behavior. From that comes deep, deep, deep connection. It’s something worth having, right? Yes.

Are you going to get a round of applause from the demand your kids behave all the time and punish or yell at them if they don’t parenting police? Not so much. You’re not. But that’s okay. That’s okay. Mel Robbins says how other people show up and treat you is a reflection of them. How you react is a reflection of you.

So if you can overlook, ignore, block out the parenting police no matter who they are, you can avoid the trigger. You can understand your kid is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. You can show up to dig down, scuba dive down to the feelings and needs instead of getting stuck in the behavior. The result of that deep, deep, deep connection. I want that for you. I want that for every single one of you. Yes you. I want it for you. Do you? Let’s fire the parenting police. Let’s learn to ignore them. Let’s block them out no matter who they are.

If you’re still thinking, “But Lisa, the behavior is so awful. You don’t understand. I need to do something. I need help.” Okay. I got you because I want you to know that the clencher is that the deeper the connection you have with your kids, the deeper the connection, the sooner the behaviors you’re struggling with sort themselves out. That’s what peaceful parenting is.

It works by getting you on the same page, on the same team as your child rather than being lined up on opposite sides, opposing teams.  You work on valuing the relationship over the behavior. That’s what we’re working on this year in 2022. Valuing the relationship over the behavior.

If you like the sound of this but you’re not sure what to do, I have a free masterclass coming up where I’m going to teach all of this to you and then some. I’m going to guide on how to find the clues as to what’s going on. I’m going to show you exactly how to scuba dive down to the feelings and needs. I want you to join me. Consider this your personal invitation to my upcoming masterclass.

So if you’re ready, if you want to know more, if you want to strengthen the skill or the muscle of ignoring the parenting police so that you can create that deep connection, so you can scuba dive down to the feelings and needs then I want you to go to thepeacefulparent.com/workshop and sign up for my upcoming masterclass.

I cannot wait to work with you. Thepeacefulparent.com/workshop or click on the link in the show notes and get yourself signed up. Grab a seat. Come and join me. I cannot wait to work with you. It’s gonna be a good time, and you’re not gonna want to miss it. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.