Ep #201: Get Curious, Not Furious: Understanding Your Child’s Anger

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I am so excited to be with you here today because today we’re diving deeper into a topic that touched many of your hearts in the last episode. And it’s understanding what’s really happening when our children are showing us their big feelings through anger.

After last week’s episode about understanding anger and pain, my DMs were flooded with messages from parents saying, thank you, I loved what you shared, but what do I actually say in those moments, Lisa? How do I become a detective and figure out? What’s really going on. So today I’m going to get super practical with you with five live scenarios that I know you’re facing every single day.

Let me share with you, as we get started a story that happened just last week with one of my clients, let’s call her Kate. She reached out to me completely overwhelmed because every morning had become a battlefield with her 11 year old son. Maybe you can relate to this. You know, the dawdling, the ignoring, the chaos that seems to take over no matter how early they start their day.

Now, here’s what was happening on the surface or at the top of the iceberg above the water. Her son would ignore every instruction, take forever to get dressed, and eventually end up in tears, frustrated, and honestly pretty hopeless and helpless. But here’s where it gets interesting. When we dug deeper in our coaching session, we discovered something profound.

Her son wasn’t just being difficult. He was carrying some big worries. about a new seating arrangement at school that was making him anxious about the school day and his friendships. This is exactly what I mean when I talk about scuba diving or looking below the surface. What looks like defiance is often a cry for help, for understanding, and for connection.

So let’s look at some scenarios that I see every day in my coaching practice. And I’ll give you specific phrases you can use. Real words that work in real moments. Sound good? Okay, scenario number one, the homework meltdown. Picture this. Books are flying across the room, and you hear those words we all dread, I’m not gonna do it.

You as the parents, heart race increases, and you feel the urge to do it. to either fix or fight back. But wait, dun dun dun, what’s happening on the surface isn’t the whole story. Your child might be feeling overwhelmed by expectations, battling a fear of failure, confused about the material, comparing themselves to siblings or peers, lacking executive function, or simply exhausted from a long school day.

So instead of jumping to consequences and bribes, Try this. I see this is feeling really hard right now. Sometimes when things feel impossible, It helps to break them down together. Would you like to tell me which part feels the most overwhelming? That’s scuba diving down to what’s going on underneath the anger.

Alright, let’s look at scenario number two. The social media explosion. We’ve all been there. Your teen storms off, slamming the door after you’ve set limits on phone time. But here’s what might really be going on. Fear of missing out, deep social anxiety, a crucial need for peer connection, identity exploration, or fear of social rejection.

So once you’ve regulated yourself, because we all know that’s critical, you can approach your teen and say something like, Hey, I noticed this seems really important to you. I’m wondering if you’re worried about staying connected with your friends. Can we talk about this? Now by the way, these scenarios in no way mean that we’re just going to become permissive parents and give our kids whatever they want.

This is an exercise in helping you and your child go underneath the reactive anger to figure out what’s really going on. down below to be able to address that while you’re both regulated and make plans for guiding and coaching. All right, let’s look at scenario number three, you know, the sports team drama.

It’s when your child suddenly refuses to go to practice and claims to hate the sport they once loved. You might be thinking, Oh my gosh, I paid for this. What are we doing? How could this be? Right? I don’t know about you, but I’ve been there. My own anger might be from a fear of my child not getting exercise, or my child wasting money, or not being capable of following through on a commitment.

And my own brain might get cooking with this situation. But as we take a deeper dive to what’s going on underneath, We realize there might be performance anxiety. There might be peer relationship issues. There might be painful comparisons with teammates. There might be physical exhaustion. There might be fear of disappointing you, the parent.

Any one of these could be going on. So here’s a connection building response that will help you scuba dive down. Sounds like something about practice isn’t feeling good lately. I’m here to listen if you want to tell me what’s making it hard. Scenario number four, the morning rush resistance. Oh, come on. I mean this one, like you’ve been waiting for this, haven’t you?

This is such a common struggle when your child is dawdling and creating chaos. Consider these pain points. Maybe there’s anxiety about school, sensory overwhelm, a need for connection, a desire for control and autonomy. Maybe it stems from sleep issues. So in order to offer the bridge to go underneath the anger, to what’s really going on underneath, try this.

Hey, I noticed mornings have been tough lately. Sometimes when we’re rushing, we miss chances to connect. What would an ideal morning look like for you? What are you thinking about when you’re having trouble getting dressed? What might be going on here for you? Any one of those offers the bridge to diving underneath the morning rush resistance.

And scenario number five, the sibling conflict. When you’re dealing with constant fighting and complaints between siblings, remember there’s anger at the top. But there’s unmet needs underneath. And your job as the parent is to address the unmet needs underneath. So the sibling fighting and complaining and irritating each other can go away.

So what might those underlying fears be? What might be going on underneath the surface? Could be fear of losing your love. Could be competition for attention. Could be feeling misunderstood. Could be resentment. Could be power dynamics. Could be the need for individual identity and acceptance. So, a response you might use in this situation is, It seems like sharing space with your sibling right now is really hard.

Tell me more about what’s frustrating you. Tell me what was happening right before you hit your sister. Tell me what you’re thinking about when you’re interacting with your sibling. Now, let me give you some powerful phrases you can use in different situations. Think of these as your peaceful parenting toolkit.

For angrier moments, you could say, I see this is really important to you or something about this feels really hard. Yes. Or, I’m here to understand, help me. Or, tell me more about what’s frustrating you. Or, it’s okay to feel angry and we can find a better way to show it. Let’s figure that out. For pain recognition, you could use these phrases.

That must be really disappointing. I hear how hurt you are. Boy, it’s really scary when things feel out of control, isn’t it? Everyone, including me, feels overwhelmed sometimes. That’s normal. And my favorite, your feelings make sense to me. If you’re looking for connection, you can use these phrases. Hey, I’m on your team.

Even when it doesn’t feel like I am. Another great one is, we’ll figure this out together. One of my favorites is, I’m here to help, not judge. And then there’s, you can tell me anything. And my ultimate favorite of all favorites, your feelings are always safe with me. You know, parents often tell me they wish they had a map to navigate these challenging moments.

Well, today I’m going to give you exactly that. Think of it as your diving guide to understanding your child’s behavior. I want you to imagine that parenting is like exploring an ocean. Most of us start out snorkeling at the surface. Just barely dunking our head in the water. And when we do this, we’re only seeing the behaviors that are visible above water.

We see the backtalk, the resistance, the meltdown, this fighting with siblings. But just like an ocean, there’s so much more happening beneath those waves. Let me paint this picture for you. At the surface, you might see backtalk and resistance that makes your blood pressure rise. Ignoring and disrespect that triggers your own emotions.

Physical reactions like hitting or kicking. Fighting with siblings that feels constant. Persistent complaining that drains your energy. Taking things that don’t belong to them. Yelling and explosive reactions that shock us. Meltdowns and tantrums that feel overwhelming. Or telling lies that worry us. But here, my friend, is where it gets interesting.

When we put on our scuba gear and dive deeper, when we get curious, not furious, but curious. Do you know what we discover? We find whole worlds of emotional states. Overwhelmed, it feels like drowning. Nervousness, the bubbles under the surface. Hurt feelings, hiding in the depths. Embarrassment, masquerading as defiance.

Sadness and grief, disguised as anger. Loneliness, calling out for connection. Insecurity, seeking reassurance. Exhaustion showing up as resistance. Boredom looking for engagement. Anxiety, fear, and worry lurking below. But we, as real world peaceful parents, we can dive even deeper. To understand the situational factors.

Stress from changes they’re trying to navigate. Transitions that feel like choppy waters. Confusion about expectations that clouds their vision. Lack of control making them feel adrift. Uncertainty about what’s ahead. Disconnection leaving them feeling lost. Unmet sensory needs creating turbulence. And remember, every child is developing at their own pace.

So I ask you to consider lagging skills they’re still building, their individual temperament, which is their unique way of swimming through life, processing past experiences that left ripples, and learning to navigate emotions in their own time. Suffice all that to say that here’s what I want you to remember.

Stop snorkeling at the surface of behavior. Put on your scuba gear. Get curious, not furious. Dive deep to the feelings and needs underneath. When you do this consistently, something magical happens. The behavior takes care of itself. Let me say that again when you put on your scuba gear and get curious not furious When you dive deep into the feelings and needs underneath the behavior Something magical happens the behavior takes care of itself.

I’ve seen it with my own child now adult and Thousands of parents who’ve used this technique It works, it works, you just have to put on the scuba gear and take the first step. So here’s your homework for this week. I want you to try something I call pause and probe, which sounds weird, but it’s really not.

All right. Pause and probe is number one. When your child shows big emotions, pause for three full breaths. And ask yourself, get curious. What might be hurting right now? What might be going on? What’s underneath the surface? And then I want you to choose one phrase from our toolkit that fits the moment.

And apply it. Say it out loud to your kid. And then notice what happens. And just keep going. Keep practicing this. Three deep breaths and ask yourself, what is happening under the surface? Choose a phrase from the toolkit and put it to work. Now, if you’re thinking, this sounds great, but I need more support.

I got you. I promise. In the Hive, we dive so much deeper into these strategies. We work together to create personalized scripts. For your specific situation and I guide you through implementing these tools in real time right now We’re focusing on emotional intelligence and connection skills, and i’d love to have you join our amazing community of growing parents So if right now feels like the time go to thehivecoaching.

com Where you can learn even more about the hive and sign up. Don’t wait go there right now and join Okay, let’s recap today’s key points You Every behavior signals a feeling in need. Every behavior. Connection phrases open the doors to understanding, both for you and your kid. Different situations need different approaches.

A key takeaway, your response can transform the moment. And practice makes progress, not perfection. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Every parent in our community is learning and growing together. I love it. Don’t you? Okay. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting.

If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit ThePeacefulParent. com. See you soon.