Ep #203: From Fear to Cheer: Transform Your Holiday Parenting

Welcome to real world, peaceful parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith, as she gives you actionable step by step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation.

Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. I am so excited to be with you here today. And you know what? As we’re heading into the holiday season around the world, I felt called to share with you one of our most important episodes again. This message is so timely and so crucial for peaceful parenting during the holidays, whichever holiday you celebrate, that I knew in my heart it needed to be heard now.

Whether you’re a longtime listener who could use this reminder, I know I certainly can, or whether you’re new. To the real world, peaceful parenting community. Today’s episode contains powerful insights about how we might unknowingly use fear in our parenting during this festive season. Now, a quick parent to parent heads up.

This episode contains some holiday related content that’s best kept between us adults. So if you have little ears nearby, hit pause and come back to this episode when you can listen privately. I originally recorded this when I noticed a concerning trend in the holiday parenting that really needed to be addressed.

And you know what? It’s just as relevant today as it was then. So let’s dive in. As I record this, we’re at the start of December and the holiday season is actually upon us. I can’t believe it, can you? Now there are many things about December and the holidays that I love, love, love, love. The chance to cozy up by the fire or watch a great football game, preferably quarterbacked by Tom Brady.

I love the sense of the occasion and the feeling that it’s a special time of the year. But here’s one thing that I don’t really love, and you may not even realize you’re doing it. And it’s fear based parenting during the holidays. I remember the first time I realized this was going on. One day, waiting for Malcolm at basketball practice, a mom was telling me that she really loved December.

She really loved it with her younger kids. She said it was so much easier to parent in December. I was like, what? I was puzzled. How could this be? As generally, there’s so much going on over the holidays, and there’s extra pressure and tension and frayed nerves, and kids tend to melt down or storm even more over the holidays.

So I asked her, tell me more, and she said, oh, You see, Lisa, we’ve got an elf on the shelf and the kids know that Santa won’t bring them any presents at all. If the elf sees them misbehaving. Oh no. I thought, Oh no. So I took a deep breath and I walked away. You see, I don’t like these parenting games or tools.

or tactics. I don’t like when parents use fear based parenting around the holidays to control their kids behavior. What we’re saying is, if you behave, son, daughter, kids, you get rewarded with gifts and things. And what we’re also saying is, if you’re having a hard time or you’re storming, which is really code for expressing your feelings for meant unmet needs, then you’re threatened to have your gifts or things taken away or withheld from you.

Let me say that again. When we engage in fear based parenting around the holidays, what we are saying to our children is, if you behave, if you do what I tell you, if you act as I expect you to act, if you obey my commands, then you get rewarded with gifts and things. And if you don’t quote behave because you’re having a hard time, because you’re storming, you’re threatened to have your gifts or things taken away or withheld from you.

Oh, maybe you’re having a big aha moment right now. Maybe you’re thinking, Oh, wow, Lisa. I didn’t even know I was doing that. It’s okay, remember, when we know better, we do better. So let me give you an example. People buy the elf on a shelf, they get it out of the box, and they put it on the shelf, and then they tell their kids that the elf is watching them to see if they’re behaving.

And then they tell their kids, if you don’t behave, the elf will tell Santa who then crosses presents off the list of things that he was going to bring you. Sometimes there’s even the threat of no presence. That my friends is fear based parenting and it makes your kids feel insecure. Now I’ve seen the elf in a shelf used in a fun way where the elf gets up into antics in the house and each morning the kids have to search out the elf and find out the mischief that he’s been up to.

And I love that. I think the pictures and the creativity and the connection that you can experience with your kids when you’re doing it in a fun way is absolutely amazing. But using the elf on the shelf as a surveillance? Using it in fear based parenting to get your kids to behave? I don’t love that. I definitely don’t love using it as surveillance.

Because I ask you, would you like if your boss instilled a security camera in your office? to watch you all the time, and if you didn’t behave the way he or she wanted you to, your pay would get slashed? Nope, I don’t think so. So why do we do this to our kids? Sure, you can try to justify and say it’s just a bit of fun, but what does it feel like to the child?

Does it feel nice to know that your every move is being watched? And then if you mess up, no presents are going to come your way. Yeah, I don’t think that feels nice or fun. Here’s the other thing, parents. Okay. Now I’m on a soapbox. I know, but hear me out for a moment. Even if the elf could see the child and judge their behavior, the elf would only see the outward behavior of the child.

It would never see what was really going on for them down underneath the behavior because the elf isn’t scuba diving down to the feelings and needs. So if the elf sees the kid act out and sees them having a storm of emotion and the elf emails Santa or elf mails Santa. To tell him to cross presence off the list.

But the thing is the elf has no idea what’s going on for the child, right? The elf doesn’t understand scuba diving down. Like we talked about in episode after episode here to scuba dive down to the unmet feelings and needs. So the elf is just judging the storming on the surface. And the elf has no idea about the child’s feelings and needs, which is why I encourage parents.

That I work with to get curious, not furious. Don’t snorkel. Don’t focus on the behavior at the top. Scuba dive down to the unmet feelings and needs. Figure out when a child acts up or misbehaves, what’s really going on for them, right? This is our job as parents is to scuba dive down to the feelings and needs.

And December. can often bring on extra stress, extra excitement, extra intensity, extra anxiety. And all the elf is doing is watching the behavior. He doesn’t have a chance to understand the storm of emotions going on. So when your child acts up, what’s really going on for them? Are they tired? Are they hungry?

Did they have a tough day at school when they didn’t get picked for the team or they got picked last or they didn’t get on the team they want? Did your child have to spend recess on their own? Is your child anxious about the pending holiday and all the talk about a wish list and what they want? Is your child worried they won’t get what they asked for?

The elf can’t ask these questions. It just sees what it sees, and then it punishes by taking things away in a punitive way, in a fear based way. But you, you as the parent, can see what’s really going on for your child. You can scuba dive down to the feelings and needs. And when you do, you open the door To the real world of understanding and connection.

Those kinds of feelings feel a whole lot cozier than judgments and threats. Getting curious, not furious, feels a whole lot better. than judging and threatening and using fear based parenting. Maybe it feels like it works well to use Elf on the Shelf and it feels like you need this during the stressful time, but come on real world peaceful parent.

I need you to know that threats and punishments are not the answer. Fear based parenting is not the answer. We don’t want our kids to think That they’re not worthy of gifts unless they comply with our requests and demands. And what I know for sure is that often these tactics just backfire as they decrease our kids confidence and increase the stress and anxiety they’re feeling, which ironically just leads to more and more storming.

Building connection works a whole lot better and is much more sustainable. Maybe you’ve already bought an elf on the shelf. Can you have the elf get up to mischief and laugh about the behavior together? How can you use the ELF to connect with your kids, to connect with them, to be interested in the mischief that the elf gets up to each day?

You know, elf with empty chocolate wrappers and a plate with biscuit crumbs or your elf hanging from the Christmas tree tied upside down. Or your elf with muddy prints or snow prints made of sugar, or your elf playing on the gaming equipment, or your elf in the doll house or in the doll bed, or your elf wearing an item of your children’s clothing, like a sock or a shoe.

That’s a fun idea that leads to connection. Here’s another great idea. Another way to use your elf to lead to connection with your kids. Share a letter from the elf saying the great things that he or she has noticed about your kid. Over the last year, share a letter from the elf about a time. The elf noticed your kids being kind or showing determination or putting in the effort.

Another great way to increase the connection with your kid. Is a letter from the elf that the elf has written to Santa about why it’s enjoyed being in your home. What’s magical about your home? Why does your elf love living in your home? Yeah, that sounds amazing. You get to choose. You, yes you, get to choose to make the holidays a time of connection and cooperation or a time of compliance and fear based parenting.

And what I know is that connection leads to cooperation. So I want to encourage you to pay attention and to avoid saying things to your kids like Santa’s watching. You better be good or Santa won’t come. You better be nice, because you know naughty kids don’t get gifts. And my least favorite of all.

That’s it. I’m calling Santa, which is all fear based parenting and leads to a decrease in our kids confidence and an increase in stress and anxiety. So pay attention. And when you hear yourself saying these things, work to correct it. Move away from fear-based parenting during the holidays. You’ve got this.

I know you do. Okay. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you Peaceful parenting. Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com. See you soon.