Ep #13: How to Hit Rewind on Your Parenting

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Thank you so much for joining me today. I want to begin today’s episode by expressing my gratitude for all who have rated and reviewed the podcast. I appreciate the feedback, but more importantly I want you to know that when you rate and review the podcast what you’re really doing is paying it forward.

When you leave a review on Apple Podcast or other podcast sites, that service is much more likely to recommend the podcast when people are looking for a parenting resource. So when you take the time to subscribe, rate, and review, you’re paying it forward to other children who really need their parents to hear this information. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for helping to change the world one family at a time.

Speaking of reviews, today is the day we announce our first five lucky listeners who kindly subscribed, rated, and reviewed the show on Apple Podcasts. They will each win a $50 gift card to one of my peaceful parenting courses. The lucky winners are Lauren S., congratulations; Vane414, well done; Todd 25, awesome job; WorkingToBeAPeacefulParent…, woo; and wvhaymaker. Well done. We will reach out to you via email to provide more details on how to claim your prize. Congratulations to you all.

Next week we’ll announce the remaining five lucky winners. So there’s still time to enter the drawing. To enter, just follow the instructions at the end of the podcast.

Okay. On today’s episode, we’re going to talk about one of my favorite tools that I teach clients called the do over. The do over is a game changer. It allows everyone to save face, start over, and get back on track. Consider it your rewind tool just like the rewind button on your DVR.

Okay, real talk here for a moment. Have you ever said something to your kids like, “Don’t talk to me like that. Or stop yelling at me. Or stop disrespecting me right now.” I know I sure have. Well, for your own good I want you to consider moving away from saying these statements to your kids.

Why you ask? Because when you use phrases like this, you’re making yourself the victim in your mind. You’re saying that your kid is doing something to you, and you are the victim. This puts you and your child in even more opposition to each other. So what we want to say is something like, “Honey, don’t talk like that. We don’t speak to people like that.” What is even more powerful is go straight to suggesting a do over. What’s a do over? I’m so glad you asked.

A do over is when you go back to the point just before things went crazy and act it out the way you wish it would have gone. Let me say that again because I really want you to hear it. A do over is when you go back to the point just before things went crazy and you act it out the way you wish it would have gone. A do over doesn’t need to be perfect. It just gets you and your child going in the right direction. Having fun and a bit of humor in a do over is also totally allowed and encouraged. And can be just the ice breaker needed to get everybody back on track.

You could go straight to telling your kid, “All right. We’re going to have a do over.” Say this in a very calm and matter of fact voice. 50% of the do over is to get your kids back on track, and 50% of the do over is for you, the parent.

You’re practicing the habit of thinking, “My kid is not doing this to me. He/she/they are just doing it.” If you think they’re doing it to you, you’re just going to end up feeling more and more like a bad parent. Because you’re thinking your kid is always disrespecting you. That’s not going to help the situation. Your kid or kids are not doing anything to you. They’re just doing what they’re doing.

Your kid didn’t wake up this morning and say to himself, “I’m going to yell at my mom today. I’m going to give my dad a hard time. I’m going to really treat him poorly. I’m going to show her some serious disrespect today.” That requires motive. Motive requires executive function.

We’ve talked about this before, but I want to remind you that your executive function is housed in your prefrontal cortex, which is located in the top front of your brain. What we know scientifically is that the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until the age of 25. 25 I tell you. 25. You need executive function for motive. Therefore kids don’t have motive. So they can’t knowingly disrespect you, give you a hard time, do something to you. You with me?

Let me say it again. Part of the do over is for yourself. Yes, you the parent. You’re practicing the habit of thinking, “My kid is not doing this to me. He or she or they are just doing it.” If you think they’re doing it to you, you will end up feeling more and more triggered and more and more like a bad parent because you’re doing to believe that your child is doing something to you. They’re disrespecting you. They’re giving you a hard time. It doesn’t help the situation.

This is how we play mind games with ourselves unknowingly. We wear ourselves down with thoughts like, “Oh my goodness. My kid is always doing this to me. He’s always so disrespectful. She doesn’t listen.” Then we start judging them. “He’s out of control. She’s being bad. They’re this kind of kid.” Your kid is just yelling. Your kid is not yelling at you. That’s going to help you feel calmer, and like you are in control and your child is less out of control with his behavior.

This change of perspective along with using the do over tool can create a massive transformation in your home. When we stay calm, we model calm. When we model calm, our kids learn calm. The do over can be just the tool that instigates the transformation to calmness. When we use the do over and stay calm, our kids also learn that mistakes are made and can be fixed. They learn to try again.

The other exciting part of a do over is that you are literally training their brain as to the right way to ask for something or the right way to say no. Or the right way to communicate. Or the right way to discuss. Or the right way to argue. Or the right way to negotiate. You are literally training your brain with a do over. Eventually their brain says, “Oh, this is the way we do X in this family.” Right? Hopefully, a light bulb is going off right now for you.

To further illustrate the point, I want to share a success story from a recent client who used the do over to shift the interaction with their five-year-old son. She said to me, “My son was fighting with me this morning because he didn’t want me to comb his hair before school. We were already running late, and he was screaming at me that he didn’t want his hair sprayed with a bottle because it scared him. He was crying and storming and yelling and melting down.

“In the past, I would have just sprayed his hair with the bottle and combed his hair while he was screaming at me. Today I took a deep breath and I asked both of us to have a do over. He calmly said, ‘No mommy. I don’t like when you spray that bottle. I’m scared.’ Then I asked him. Why the spray bottle scared him. He said he doesn’t like the feeling of the spray on his face.”

The mom said, “I had no idea all the other times he was screaming and melting down that he was scared. Wow.” Then the mom said, “So I told him I hear you buddy. I told him I would spray the water on my hand and run it through his hair. It was that simple. No fight. He let me do it again. Put the gel in his hair too. I was literally shocked and pleased at how effective the do over was.”

So let me ask you. Can you see how the do over allowed the mom to regulate herself and not take her son’s words personally? Instead she regrouped and scuba dived down below the behavior to the feelings and needs. Her son was scared. Once she understood that, she could ask for a do over and go back to the point before the meltdown happened and come up with a new solution. Try something different. The do over allowed her to go into the problem-solving mode. Once she solved her son’s needs, the behavior took care of itself. Awesome, right? I love this example.

Let me say. This can be you too. Just bring the do over tool into your parenting. In the Real World Peaceful Parenting community, which you’re a part of because you’re listening to this episode. Our mantra is progress over perfection. A do over epitomizes this mantra.

Here’s another example from a different client. She said, “If one of my five kids stomps up the stairs or is complaining or being ‘disrespectful’ in their tone, I have them come back down the stairs and do it over by saying it again.” She went on to say, “I think what I like about the do over is that I don’t have to yell or lecture them about being disrespectful or even correct their behavior. They just know after practicing it over and over and over again that they need to do it again and that’s okay.”

She said, “And my favorite thing is once they do it again, how quickly we can move on to the next thing without drama or lecturing or yelling or me getting completely triggered and dysregulated.”

Here’s the great news. The do over tool isn’t unidirectional. You can use it too to call a time out, regroup, or start again on your parenting. Let’s say you ask your kids to get ready for bed. You go in your bedroom to brush your teeth while they’re getting ready or supposed to be getting ready. Out you come a few minutes later and no one has moved an inch. Suddenly you find yourself upset, triggered, and yelling not nice things to your kids. Your volume is increasing by the minute.

Suddenly you realize this isn’t working. They aren’t moving from their spot. You’re yelling, which you promised yourself you wouldn’t do. To make matters worse, you hate ending the evening yelling at your kids. It makes for much parent guilt and a restless night’s sleep. But you have no idea how to crawl your way out of the storm you created.

Well, my friend, the solution is pretty simple. You use the do over tool. You simply take a deep breath and say, “Hey, I’m sorry. That isn’t how I want to show up and respond. Let’s try a do over. I’m going to go back in the bedroom and pretend I’m brushing my teeth again. When I come out, you stay where you are, and I will try again to talk to you in a much calmer voice.” You literally go back in your bedroom, come out, recreate the scene. This time while staying calm and regulated.

What I know for sure is that if you bring the do over into your family as a two-way street where both you the parent and your kids can ask to try again, regulation and connection will happen for all of you. I promise. You are much more likely to get cooperation once the connection has occurred.

Here’s one final example of how to use the do over tool. Let’s say it’s been a frantic morning. You realize you and your child have been engaged in a power struggle all morning. Nothing is working. She’s melting down every five seconds. You suddenly realize what she really needs is some connection. You remember hearing me say connection leads to cooperation. You realize it’s been a frantic morning. You’re behind and busy yourself. You’ve just been barking orders at her all morning.

So you say to her, “Hey, let’s have a do over. You go jump back in bed with your clothes on. I’ll come in and pretend I’m waking you up again.” This time you walk in her bedroom and you’re both giggling because, let’s be honest, she thinks it’s funny to get back in bed with her clothes on. For you, the do over feels a bit silly but in a good way. So you go in and you wake her up and you snuggle with her for five minutes. It creates the connection that she needs and suddenly the cooperation is flowing.

The do over worked. It got you both back on track and completely recreated the scene and allowed you to correct the mistake of connection without drama, yelling, or wasting a bunch of time. I promise you the do over is an amazing tool, totally worth trying.

So your homework assignment this week is to introduce the do over to your family. Introduce it while everyone is calm and regulation. Then talk about it and use it as needed. Offer it up to your kids if they’re struggling, storming, or stuck. Likewise if you get stuck, pull out the do over and model for them how the do over can be useful. It might feel a bit awkward at first, but you’ll get the hang of it in no time. I guarantee it.

I want to close today by taking a moment to honor you for your commitment towards building cooperation and connection with your kids. Most people talk about wanting to make changes, but you’re here actually doing it. Even if you haven’t put anything into practice yet. Just showing up each week and listening to the podcast and allowing your mind to consider a new and different path than what has been modeling for you in the past is a massive step in the right direction. So well done, great job.

All right. The do over is now officially in your Real World Peaceful Parenting toolbox. Go forth and use it. Try it. Introduce it. Get used to it. Use it. I can’t wait to hear how it’s going for you. Until next time, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

To celebrate the launch of the Real World Peaceful Parenting podcast, I’m going to be giving away a $50 gift card to one of my many Peaceful Parent courses. I’m going to be giving away one gift card to 10 lucky listeners who subscribe, rate, and review the show on Apple podcasts. It doesn’t have to be a five-star review, although I sure hope you loved the show. I want your honest feedback so that I can create an awesome show that provides tons of value.

Visit www.thepeacefulparent.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the contest and how to enter. That’s www.thepeacefulparent.com/podcastlaunch. I’ll be announcing the winners on the show in an upcoming episode. So stay tuned.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.