Ep #149: Parent Coaching Transformations: A Dad’s Perspective

Real World Peaceful Parenting with Lisa Smith | Parent Coaching Transformations: A Dad’s Perspective

If you’ve been considering parent coaching but wonder what the experience is like and whether you really need it, you’re in luck. My guest today is a client from inside The Hive, and he’s joining us to share the specific ways parent coaching has changed his relationship to fatherhood.

Neil is a stay-at-home dad of two adorable boys who is based in the Midwest. Neil joined The Hive to learn how to become a better parent but found coaching has helped him become a better person as a result. His experience is the perfect example of how transformative parent coaching can be, and Neil is paying it forward by sharing his lessons learned.

Join us on this episode as Neil generously shares how parent coaching has changed his life and the way he relates to his children. We’re exploring the key coaching concepts that changed his parenting experience, and his journey of healing old wounds, breaking the people-pleasing cycle, and learning to trust himself.


If you’re interested in working with me and want to know more about coaching, I want to personally invite you to sign up for a free coaching session I’m running on Thursday, November 16th, 2023, at 9am Pacific. Click here to sign up!

If you want to take the next step to become a better parent, come and check out The Hive. It’s a one-of-a-kind community that serves parents who want ongoing support with their peaceful parenting journey and gives you everything you need to move along the path to peaceful parenting. Ready to become the parent you’ve always wanted to be? Click here to join The Hive now, I cannot wait to welcome you to the community.


What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • The biggest revelations Neil experienced in The Hive.
  • Neil’s journey of learning how to listen to and trust himself.
  • What happens when you stop seeking external validation.
  • How to use anger as a beacon instead of a weapon.
  • The power of validating your thoughts and feelings.
  • What surprised Neil most about being in The Hive.


Listen to the Full Episode:


Featured on the Show:


Full Episode Transcript:

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in.

Lisa: Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I know I say it every week, but every week it’s true. I am super-duper, duper, official wording there, excited to be with you all here this week. this week my excitement is double because we have a very special guest today. super excited to introduce you to Neil.

Neil lives in the Midwestern part of the United States. he is a stay at home dad of two adorable little boys. Neil’s wife works outside the home. they have a beautiful family. Neil is a member of our Hive. I’m super excited to talk with Neil today about parent coaching and some of the growth he’s experienced from a dad’s perspective.

You’re in for a real treat because Neil is incredibly smart, and thoughtful. he’s had quite the transformation. he’s willing to come here today and pay it forward and share his thoughts with all of us. So Neil, welcome. Thanks for joining us.

Neil: Thank you, Lisa. I really appreciate the opportunity to be here on the call. also, it’s been a dream of mine to be on the podcast with you. So as I’ve been listening, so I’m really happy and excited to finally do it.

Lisa: Yay. Oh, that makes me so happy. I love that. I love that. Neil, what I appreciate is when Hive members, yourself included, come on and pay it forward to other parents and share a message. I have no doubt that there’s at least one but I’m sure many, many, many people that are going to hear this conversation today and are going to learn something and be inspired and get a new perspective. So I’m always really grateful when you’re willing to pay it forward like you are.

Neil: Thank you. I’m going to start off, and I was nervous about how this would go. something you taught me during the wound seminar was, I think you said it multiple times, and certain things have really hit a chord with me. one, I think one part of the seminar, I think at the end, you had asked everybody to start validating themselves.

Maybe it was a response to one of the questions I had, but one of the members, I think Archana, said that she was the greatest of all time mom. so I thought instead of being nervous about this podcast, I’m just going to put it out there that this podcast is going to be the greatest of all time.

Lisa: Oh I love it. I love it. Yes, yes. Yes. Yeah, so what Neil’s referring to is when you come and join The Hive, I do special workshops once a month for Hive members only. we dig deep into a topic. We spend about 90 minutes to two hours going deep on something. our most recent workshop was about healing childhood wounds.

one of the things that we talked about in how to heal childhood wounds is to give ourselves what we didn’t get as a child. Most of us are trying to give it to our children what we didn’t get as a kid. What we needed, what we didn’t get, what was overlooked. I think the real secret is to give our children what they need and then give ourselves what we didn’t get.

for a lot of us, and this is going to plunge us right into the topic we’re here to talk about today. For a lot of us what we didn’t get as children, what we needed, was validation, affirmation, telling ourselves that we’re good enough and that we’re good at things and really fighting, for many of us, that character attack that we had as children. You’re not enough. You’re not quiet enough. You’re not loud enough. You’re not athletic enough. You’re not skinny enough.

I think that many years ago, that was the way parents parented. They constantly pointed out what we weren’t doing well or right or weren’t good enough that. We’ve learned a lot since then. one of the things we know is that we all need validation, connection. Feeling seen, heard, and valued comes through validation. one of the things that we talk a lot about in The Hive as adults is just validating ourselves.

Neil: Yeah, I think you hit it on the nail. I think that one of the things that has kind of evolved for me as I’ve been listening to your podcast and been part of The Hive community is first of all like recognizing, I’ve a kind of written this down, but some things in myself I’ve realized that when I need validation. Then I want to talk about or just mention some things that I’ve learned from your podcast in The Hive that have really helped me to start validating myself.

these are things that I I’ve been reflecting on is that you need validation when you’re not connected with people who see, hear, and believe what you say matters. Your close loved ones aren’t able to empathically listen to sit with you when you have big emotions and to understand what you’re feeling and what you’re telling them. You don’t know what you’re good at because somebody else’s voice was louder than your own. But you weren’t taught to self-reflect or encouraged to take calculated risks and fail.

You ask a lot of questions because you’re afraid of not doing something right. You care more about people who don’t like you and their opinion of you than those who do and support you. You’re sensitive to feedback. You’re too afraid of failure. You’re a perfectionist or obsessed about details when they don’t matter.

It’s just been interesting kind of looking at that and how validation is connected to all these. I want to point out specific things that were like aha moments for me that I always thought the goal, as a human being, was to never get angry.

as someone who myself has struggled with depression for many years and also who has had issues at work with getting angry in specific situations. I think to stop demonizing anger and realize that it’s a natural emotion, it’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to express anger in a specific way.

just being like those two things alone were big changes. Because I’d always had this idea within myself that I have to not get angry. first, recognizing that anger is, like you mentioned, it’s a cover emotion. it’s something that is telling you something. If you dig deeper, you can allow both to help you connect with yourself and also help your kids connect. Both by when you get angry, showing them how to repair and sincerely apologizing and using that as a way to connect.

then number two, really uncovering what it is that you’re valuing and using that value to connect with your kids. That’s one of the first aha moments I had.

The second was a kind of a really small thing you did when in coaching when I’m almost crying just thinking about it. But there’s one parent who said that I think you said you’re a great parent. the parent said, at the end of the call, was like I’m trying. I’m trying to be a great parent. then you said no, you’re a great parent.

I felt like there was like a ripple effect across everybody who was on that call. I started crying. I don’t think we realize that in the process of trying to get better at something we’re actually great. that greatness really involves, it’s not that you’ve reached a certain plateau. It’s that you’re continuously trying to work. You’re accepting of who you are. that part of getting better is actually greatness.

Like all the great people in this world, they’ve always had a consistent drive to do better. so even if you’re lacking and even knowing that you’re lacking, it’s very empowering to just embrace that and say that that’s okay. I might not have all the tools as a parent. I might not be the best at my job. I might not be the best pickleball player, as I’ve mentioned to you before in some of the coaching calls, and embracing that has really helped.

There’s a couple other things that so this was a really important practice I really love that you talked about how when you do something well for Malcolm, your son, that you don’t wait for his approval or his compliments to validate that what you’ve done was good. there’s something really freeing about that. That when you attach yourself so much to what other people say or think of your actions, it’s very controlling on your life. That you live and breathe by what someone else thinks of you.

when you start, even just internally start developing that inner voice saying that hey, what I did was good. That thing I did for somebody, even if that person doesn’t appreciate it, that’s really important that I did it. I’m really proud of myself for doing that. In the fear of being too proud, we forget to do that for ourselves. we put too much emphasis, like you mentioned. We put too much emphasis on other people to do that for us. it’s unfair to them. We can’t expect that everybody’s going to react the way we want them to. I think that was really freeing.

I love this part in a recent workshop when I mentioned to you that I have a susceptibility to get upset when I’m triggered by certain things. when you stopped the meeting, you said like how many people also are oversensitive to criticism? you mentioned how 70% of the people on the call felt the same way. That was really big for me that realizing I’m not alone.

then one of the other practices that you taught me was, I would say, life changing. That I think for the first time when I got upset about something, using the feelings we all to actually think through all the things that I am experiencing right now and how that made me feel has really helped me to validate myself and actually regulate myself rather than relying on third party to talk about my feelings and tell them how I’m feeling. It actually gave me a tool that I could use myself to regulate myself.

Lisa: I love it. I love it. Okay. Thank you, Neil. That’s very enlightening, heartfelt, sharing. I though lots of people want to know more about each of these areas. So I took some notes. let’s dig into a couple of things here that I think people, the listener, is going to want to know more about.

So you mentioned that someone else’s voice was louder than yours, and you’ve had to work on overcoming that. I think that that is such an important skill. Many of us are recovering people pleasers, right. so we’re used to validating the other voice over ours. especially if it’s loud and negative, and especially if we grew up in with a loud, negative voice. we’re trying to break the cycle now with our children. So talk to us a little bit about the process that you’ve gone through where someone else’s loud voice isn’t taking center stage, and you’re listening to your own voice now.

Neil: Yeah, and it’s a funny example. But we’ve done several coaching sessions on this, but I was experiencing something where Lisa and I previously shared our love, our joint love of pickleball. for me, it’s just something that’s really enthusing, a really fun activity. I realized that as I was starting to kind of get better, I wanted to play with a more advanced group of people.

that more advanced group of people, there were a couple people in particular. One person who had completely snubbed me from playing the first time I wanted to play with the higher level group. then another person who had really doubled down and said that I really wasn’t good enough to play. this isn’t like a league. It’s not like a private membership. This is just an open gym activity where people can come and play and have fun.

so I think the first thing was realizing that there was a wound of not being included that was kind of shrouding everything about this interaction. it really kind of went first recognizing that and being able to isolate that from what was really happening helped me to kind of make the reaction less and to validate that, okay. This is something that I’ve experienced. This external situation has triggered that. But even just validating that I have this wound from the past, and that’s what’s causing you to overreact to the rejection. That was really helpful.

I think the second thing was feeling the feelings. I was at an at home dad conference, and we were in a mental health seminar. even just saying that I was at an at home dad conference is like an exercise in validation right there. Because it’s sometimes even just embracing that and being okay with that label has been a big thing.

But what I’ll say is I was sharing about this experience, I hadn’t cried so hard with this other group of men about this situation that I had in almost many things in the last decade or so. I realized that this wound of not being included was a real big part of that.

so I think the thought work, also, that there’s a podcast of bonus content on thought work. We’re just digging deeper into some of the thoughts that surround it. one of the first questions that was really a validating question is that the thought that I had that I’m not good enough to play with these people. Then saying but that’s okay. just saying that, taking a negative thought and saying that’s okay. I think that right there is like a very freeing. For me, at least, was a very freeing, validating thing.

then I think the last part was just I shared this podcast. I know I’m referencing all these podcasts. That’s how much I love everything I’m receiving. There’s a podcast you have on effort based praise versus results based praise.

I realized in doing that, there was something extremely validating about that. that is that when you are focused on results based praise, whether you win or lose, whether you get the A, you are dependent on somebody else’s reaction. So whether you’re playing somebody else in a game, you still have to play that other person, like how good or bad that other team is, that is what goes into the result.

But when you’re praising effort, it doesn’t matter what that other person does. What matters is that you’re trying your best. I noticed that when you start leaning into that, when you start leaning into just learning and not being so focused on failing or what other people think of you, something magical starts to happen where those two people that I mentioned to you, the one person who was really harsh to me said the other day you’re getting really good.

I said to myself I don’t really need that because I know myself, but something I wrote in my notes for just this call is that when you start validating yourself, people will start validating you.

Lisa: 100%. Let me say that again. When you start validating yourself, other people will start validating you. that’s confirmation bias at its best, right? When I start validating myself and I know I’m worthy, or I’m a good parent, or I’m doing the right thing, your brain will find evidence to validate I’m doing the right thing. That’s the way the brain is hardwired. Yes, yes, yes.

the beauty is then when that person says you’re getting better, and you don’t mean that. It’s nice to have, but it’s not a need to have. Then it can just land where it needs to land. Right? It doesn’t have all of this energy when you’re dependent on it. When you’ve got this needy, graspy relationship of I need you to validate me. I’m validating myself. if you want to add on, that’s bonus, but I no longer need that validation. It really changes the energy between two human beings.

Neil: Yeah. You’ve coached me on also something that was another trigger about being late. what’s funny is that just accepting yourself and the things that cause you to be late. I no longer get triggered in that situation. Somebody actually told me the other day hey, you’re late. I said I know. I had a bunch of things I had to do before I got here. that is exactly right. I was actually very comfortable with that rather than getting strung out about somebody saying something and that dysregulating me.

Lisa: Yeah, again, that’s confirmation bias. You’re late. I know. Thank you. Versus you imagining that they’re mad at you because you’re late, right? These are the things we do is we make a story up about it. Oh, my gosh, I’m late, and they’re not going to like me. Or I’m late, and they’re mad at me. Or I’m late, and I’m a horrible person.

no, the facts are that I’m late. I said I would be or two o’clock, and it’s 2:15. I was late for this podcast today. I needed a little moment to get something to drink. So I texted Neil and said can we start 15 minutes later? it’s interesting because technically, I was late. We were going to start at two. We started at 2:15 my time. I didn’t have a story about it other than I needed to move my legs around and grab some fresh air before we started recording because I’ve had a whole morning of coaching calls.

so let’s talk about this for a moment. I think that, and I’m really interested in your perspective on this Neil, because I think you’ve grown a lot in this area. Let’s just take the example of being late. So often, as humans and as parents, we build stories around things that our brain imagines, right? So, again, back to the example. You’re supposed to be somewhere at two, and you get there at 2:15. someone says you’re late.

Rarely is the other person saying you’re late, and I no longer like you. Or you’re late, and I think you’re a horrible person. They typically don’t verbalize anything past you’re late. Maybe they have a little tone or a little grumbling. But we build an entire narrative around it that often is just our own thoughts about ourselves that we’re projecting onto them.

Neil: Yeah. To give the listener a little bit more context, it was so every time  I’d come to a Zumba class, which somehow all these conflicts revolve around the gym. But every time I come to a Zumba class, there was a lady who would point to her wristwatch and show me or tell me I was late. one time, I even left the class. I just couldn’t handle it.

to give more context, for those of you who are parents to small kids, jeez, it’s almost I call it like a military excursion just to get the kids out of the house just to be somewhere. it’s crazy how many things that you have to do in order to get kids there. I was just telling myself I’m never going to be on time.

this is something I’ve always struggled with. I continue to struggle with. on top of everything I’m dealing with, this person has to remind me when I come here that I’m late. That was just really dysregulating. it took, I’m not saying that I’m completely cured, but I would say that something interesting happened is that back to validation.

I think the other part of validation is being assertive, not aggressive or passive, but being assertive. letting somebody else know how what they say, how it makes you feel. so I actually approached that woman, and I said hey, I just want to let that when you tell me that I’m late, it doesn’t really help me. Because I’m really trying to get here on time. It’s something I’ve been working on.

she said to me you know I’m just teasing, right? I said yeah, I know. I someone was really trying to lose weight, and they’re at the gym and you keep telling them hey, you’re fat. When I said that, and I’ve got two small kids and it’s something I’m really working on. she said good for you. she heard me. I think just being able to have the courage to just validate yourself and also express that to somebody else was something that really helped me change from getting dysregulated about something versus accepting that.

Lisa: Yes. Okay. So I want to bring this up because I have a little different spin on what you just said. I want you to tell me your thoughts on this. So you said, I’m going to reflect back, you said being assertive was the secret to getting her to stop pointing to her watch. I would say in addition to that you spoke about you have stopped demonizing anger. I want to talk about anger for a moment.

I would argue or propose that what happened is, as we have talked about, anger is a beacon for unmet needs. I would propose that what happened is after getting triggered a couple of times, getting angry and triggered over her pointing to her watch, you leaned into what is my unmet need here? My need is I need her to stop doing it. I need to let her know that when she does it, I don’t feel connected. I don’t feel connected to the class. I don’t feel connected to her. I’d like her to stop.

even if she had never stopped pointing at her watch, the mere fact that you spoke up and said your truth. You’re not helping me. She said I’m kidding, right. You may be, but it’s not helpful. I want to discourage you from continuing to do this, right. We can’t control people. But it sounds like what you did is you discouraged her from continuing to do it if, in fact, she was kidding because you didn’t really find it funny.

I think that when we’re validating ourselves, when we’re learning to listen to our internal voice, again, back to the people pleasing, the recovering people pleasers. Many of us grew up in households where our voice didn’t matter. Anger was not a beacon for anything other than go to your room and come out when you can behave.

now you’re learning that anger actually serves a purpose. It teaches me something about myself if I’m willing to pause and listen and find out what my anger is trying to teach me. It doesn’t mean the anger is going to go away. It doesn’t mean people are always going to comply. None of that is as important as just understanding anger is a beacon for a need. we talk about this a lot in the Hive.

A parent will get very upset with a kid, a young kid, a middle aged kid, a teenager. it’s always the first step, I’m saying this to the listener if you experience a lot of anger is to take a step back and ask yourself okay, what’s really going on here? What do I need to do? Maybe, in your example, and let me just ramble here for a second.

But maybe in your example, Neil, what would have happened is someone in your situation might have said I need to allow more time to get ready to go so I can be on time. Right? Maybe someone else would have said, I don’t. I’m comfortable being late. I need her to stop calling me out in the class and pointing to her watch that I’m late.

But the point of this is, the thing I want the listener to hear, is anger is always a beacon. So rather than running from it or shoving it down or avoiding it or just pushing it aside for the next time like a beach ball that we’re holding underwater, I always want us to look at anger as what is really going on here? What is it trying to point out to me? Number one. Number two, do I want to do anything about it? If so, what?

Neil: Yes, definitely. I think one of the things that you really helped me to see with the thought work is that it’s okay to, even though that thoughts are the foundation for our feelings. It’s okay to have feelings of anger, of sadness, of despair, of feeling like something was unfair. Even though there are other thoughts that if we hung on to them could, in our higher brain, help us to think and feel differently, it’s perfectly fine to have thoughts that are irrational but just to realize that those thoughts are what are the foundation for our feelings.

I think just validating that has really helped me to regulate. Because just accepting even my own irrational thoughts and understanding that okay, this is why I feel a certain way rather than I shouldn’t be sad. I’m going to Zumba. I should be able to just laugh it off and say hey, yeah, I’m late. I’m always late. But just accepting that no, this is really the thought that has caused me to feel angry. that’s okay. What’s not okay is if I’m passive aggressive, if I’m cursing somebody out in order to express how upset I am.

Lisa: Or shutting it down. Or tolerating it, ignoring it every time, right? On the flip side, someone could say to themselves I’m trying not to care. Who cares? She’s just pointing at her watch, but it bothered you. We talked about it. there’s no judgment on whether it bothers someone or not. It bothered you. There was an unmet need there.

you felt like you advocated for yourself when you had a conversation with her. because you were able to understand what you needed, I think, tell me where I’m wrong here, but when you went to have a conversation with her, you were not dysregulated. You were not overly aggressive. You were not passive aggressive. You were able to gather your thoughts and say hey, why do you point to your watch every time? Oh, I’m kidding. I don’t find it funny. I’d like you to stop. I’m doing the best I can to get here. I don’t need you pointing it out to me.

But you were able to do it in a very empowering, as Marshall Rosenberg would say, you had a nonviolent communication conversation with her. That even if she continued to point out her watch afterwards, you were different because you calmly, rationally, and in an emotionally intelligent way spoke up for yourself.

Neil: Yeah, and I want to underscore what you said there because that was like angels shining, sunlight coming down moment for me because I was so used to being passive aggressive. To holding things inside and finally blowing up about my feelings. That I actually told my wife that was the first time I was able to assert myself, tell someone how and feeling without shouting and yelling or doing something passive aggressive. that felt so amazing.

Lisa: I love it. now you’re in the midst of breaking a cycle. You’re the generation that is going to break that cycle for your boys. you’re going to model for them showing up in that calm, regulated way because you’re using anger as a beacon, not as a weapon against other people. Oh, that’s good, isn’t it?

Neil: Definitely, definitely. Oh, I want to say one other thing that it did take me a couple of weeks to get to that point. I was really angry. it’s a process. It’s not you’re just going to be able to slip into nonviolent communication. Like all the things, it takes a lot of work to get to a point where you’re actually calm, and you can address something with somebody.

I think all the tools that you’re talking about just really help to just be accepting of that process, using the tools to, I love what you said about motion changes emotion. It was the first time that I always thought either breathing or talking to somebody. sometimes it’s hit or miss.

Sometimes you get a person who will reflect your feelings, and what you’re saying. again, sometimes you don’t. sometimes I don’t feel like writing things down. But it’s really easy just to go outside and go for a walk. some of these simple things can really get you from a dysregulated space to a regulated space where you can have nonviolent communication.

Lisa: Awesome. Okay, that brings me to the last thing that you mentioned in your intro that I want to touch on. It dovetails nicely. Talk to us, Neil. You’re uniquely qualified to share with the listener how stepping into The Hive has helped you feel not alone, come in community, be able to learn and share and rinse and repeat and really master these skills.

As a human, as a dad, as someone who stays, and is the primary caregiver of the boys, talk about what that experience has been like for you, Neil. Because I think there are lots of people out there listening that are curious about joining a community like The Hive or The Hive, but they don’t think they’re going to find the acceptance. Maybe because they’re in so much pain with their thoughts, with their feelings, with their parenting. I want them to have a sense of what’s possible through your eyes.

Neil: Yeah, I think there’s several things that I think would still address your question, but I think that one, I think you personally are very invested in wholehearted listening. I think having that experience with somebody who is not only listening to what you’re saying, but how you’re feeling is something that has been really helpful in getting parent coaching.

That the fact that you’re not trying to throw a generic instruction at each person’s individual situation or problem but that you’re really listening to people. I think it’s something that has helped me grow within the eyes and just feel like I would say connection. I think getting back to your point that when you’re connected with your coach and also with other community members who are also feeling connected, it leads to transformation.

Because when somebody actually sees and hears you and values what you say, I think it’s really the part where you can start to work on things. I’d say in terms of I’ll say something a little bit revealing. then I would say that a lot of times, I could be wrong, but I feel like oftentimes I might be the only guy on Hive calls. Or I might be the only Indian American on these calls.

I would say something that even though sometimes it feels like I’m in a minority in that respect, I would say that because we’re all committed to the shared goal of being better parents and breaking cycles for our kids within ourselves that that is just reinforced my own commitment and excitement to be part of the community. so if you are feeling like, I don’t know. I’ve done parent coaching before. I don’t know if I’m fit for that. I don’t know if I need it.

This was a conversation I had with my wife. I said, there’s a lot of coaching you can do. There’s pickleball coaching. There’s coaching on time management. But I was talking to my wife how cool would it be to get coaching on such a dramatic, relevant, like impactful topic on parenting. Something that leaves an imprint on my kids, and that they’ll carry with them for their whole lives.

I think that, in particular, and the surprise for me, which is really surprise that you join thinking that you’re getting coaching to be a better parent to your kids. But I found, particularly myself, that it’s really been to become a better person. because I myself have become a better person, I’m able to model to my kids what it feels to deal with big emotions, how to apologize and be confident and be okay with that, how to question those negative thoughts, and be just myself even when it’s uncomfortable.

Lisa: I love that. I love that. We do stay in The Hive a rising tide lifts all boats. Coming and getting coaching, which is transformational, is the tide that lifts all the boats in your life. I think most Hive members would say as we’re working on the subject is parenting, right?

As we’re talking about the relationship with our children and how we’re raising them and how we’re connecting with them, that then bleeds out in the best of ways into our relationship with our co-parent and/or our partner, our boss, the neighbor whose dog barks all day, the pickleball people, the lady at Zumba, the sister-in-law, the mother-in-law, the friends. It really is the rising tide that lifts all boats.

then as we develop these skills, whether it’s, like you said, feeling big emotions, apologizing, repair and recovery, understanding anger as a beacon, giving ourself validation. As we acquire the skills and improve them, then we model that for our children. that’s the magic because kids don’t do what we say. They do what we do.

So Neil, as you’re learning and growing and all these areas, you’re modeling that for the boys. They’re a sponge. They’re soaking in dad feeling his big feelings, dad apologizing, dad saying what he needs, dad staying calm, dad healing childhood wounds, dad understanding that his feelings come from his thoughts.

You are teaching them that not by lecturing them or punishing them or telling them what to do but by modeling that. That is the greatest gift we give our children is when we model with an awareness. I am all about this. Because listen listener, whether you are consciously modeling or subconsciously modeling for your children, they’re watching what you do, and they are doing what you do, not what you say.

that is the thing that I am the most proud of is that I get to work with people all around the world day in and day out and bring this awareness of working on ourselves so that we can model something better for our kids every day.

Neil: That’s been wholeheartedly. I think that that aspect of accepting your child’s feelings as they are and realizing that they’re having a hard time versus they’re not giving you a hard time, that’s been really freeing. Just allowing them to feel their feelings. I think something you said also that it’s okay for you to feel a certain way about something and for your child to feel differently.

I think when you start realizing that feelings are okay, you start allowing your kids to grow in their feelings. I think that that’s something that is really lacking. I think we’re so used to our parents reacting a certain way when we had feelings or saying it’s disrespectful. That to give your kids the freedom to have feelings is just something that’s revolutionary, and I think it’s going to change the world for the better. Yeah.

Lisa: I agree. I agree. Yeah, feelings are never in conflict. I get to be happy that you’re putting the dishes away, and you can be angry that you’re putting the dishes away. Feelings are never in conflict, right? We did a whole episode on that. So people can go and listen to that. We’ll link in the show notes.

All right, Neil. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I know every listener enjoyed our conversation today and got a lot out of your input, your sage advice, sharing your transformation. So thank you so much for paying it forward. Very generous of you. I’m grateful for your willingness to be here. I gotta tell you, I think it’s the best podcast episode ever.

Neil: I agree. Thank you, Lisa.

Lisa: My pleasure. I’m sure you’re going to be back. No doubt. All right, everybody. Listen, if you love that as much as I loved it, and you want to know more about coaching, you’re interested in working with me and asking me questions, and taking a dry run of The Hive or figuring out what it’s all about, I want to personally invite you to sign up for a free coaching session that I’m having on Thursday, November 16.

It’s happening over on Zoom at 9:00 a.m. Pacific, 10 Mountain, 11 Central, and 12. Eastern. That’s 5:00 p.m. GMT. It’s completely free. There’s no obligation. Neil’s going to be there. Some other Hive members are going to be there. Hannah and Viv and other people you’ve met over time. We’re going to jump on Zoom. you are more than welcome. In fact, it would be my honor if you would come and join us.

You can ask me anything you want over on Zoom on Thursday, November 16 9:00 a.m. Pacific. You can ask me about you, your kids, something going on in your family. We’re going to dig deep into anything that’s going on. Sleepless nights, endless battles, overwhelming guilt, sibling fighting, how do I get my kids off of technology? How do I get my kids to stop fighting? What is the thing you talk about, feelings are never in conflict? How do I get my kids to listen?

Whatever you got going on, I’m going to meet you over on Zoom on Thursday, November 16, at 9:00 a.m. Pacific Time. There’s a link in the show notes where you can join us. Sign up and join us. You’ll get the Zoom link. Once you sign up, you can bring your friends. You can bring your family everybody’s welcome. We have room for absolutely everybody to join us for this free parent coaching session on Thursday, November 16. I can’t wait to work with you and see you there. until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

Thanks for listening to real world peaceful parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit the peaceful parent.com See you soon

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.


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Lisa Smith

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