Ep #51: 10 Things I Know for Sure About Real World Peaceful Parenting

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I want to share with you 10 things I know for sure. It’s not lost on me that I am sharing these 10 things with you right around the holiday season. If you are getting ready to celebrate something, anything from Christmas to the new year and anything in between that you might be celebrating in your family in your corner of the world.

What I know is these 10 things are going to be helpful. They’re going to be good reminders of how to show up as a real world peaceful parent, and they’re going to be good reminders of what we’re working towards. So let’s dig in, right. We’ll call this like the equivalent of the David Lettermen top 10 list. Remember David Lettermen? Oh I loved his show in the evenings, and I really loved his top 10 list. So let’s just dig in here.

Number one, one thing I know for sure. At the top of the list what I know for sure is that you are not alone. I want you to know that you are not alone. I see you. I hear you. I’m here for you. I have no judgement of how you’re parenting. If you’re ready to do something new or different, I’m here for you. It’s really important to me. Really important that you know you’re not alone. You’re not the only parent struggling with this.

I know when I was at the beginning or maybe I should say before I got on the path to peaceful parenting, this was one of my biggest roadblocks. I looked around. When I looked around, everyone else seemed to be doing it right and I couldn’t figure out how to get there. I felt so alone.

I would have given anything back then to have had a podcast and a community to go to. Someone that spoke to me each week that assured me that I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t broken, I wasn’t missing a parenting gene. I just needed some tools and that someone was there for me and understood what I was going through. So please let me be that person for you. Please understand that you are not alone. I see you and I’m here for you. Yeah? Awesome.

All right he number two thing that I know for sure, there is no perfect parent. No one. There is no perfect parent. Not me. Not Mr. Rogers. Not Eckhart Tolle, not Brené Brown. There is no perfect parent, no one. We all lose it once in a while. It’s part of the human experience. It’s what you make it mean for you and your kids once you lose it. It’s how you repair and recover that creates the setback or the step forward. Just know that. Everyone, everyone loses their shiz once in a while. Even Mr. Rogers. Yeah?

All right, number three. Progress not perfection is our mantra here at real world peaceful parenting. I’ve said this many times on podcasts before. My goal everyday is to be a better parent today than I was yesterday. My goal isn’t to be perfect. My goal isn’t to always get it right. My goal isn’t to be better than someone else that I see or that I think is perfect.

My goal, and I want this to be your goal too, so I’m giving it to you as a gift. I want your goal everyday to be today I’m going to be a little bit better of a parent than I was yesterday. My mantra is progress, not perfection. So good, right? Drop the expectation of perfection.

All right number four. Number four is a big one. Your kids want to know that you love them no matter what. Your kids want to know that you love them the exact same when they make a mistake or mess up or show you their shadow side as when they show you their “good side”, their perfect side, their strengths. The things that you admire about them. They want to know that you love them the exact same. So good, right. So good.

Think about the tone, the language, the approach. The emotion you emote when you’re praising them for what they do well as when you’re getting on them for their mistakes. Make sure that you’re communicating to them that you love them no matter what. So important.

Okay number five. One the top 10 list of things I know for sure, number five is the connection is when the other person feels seen, heard, and valued. I love Brené Brown’s definition. Feels seen, heard, and valued. Connection is when the other person feels seen, heard, and valued.

What I know for sure is that when you create connection with your kids, cooperation will follow. You cannot mandate cooperation. You can mandate compliance, but you can’t mandate cooperation. If you want cooperation, make sure there’s connection. Make sure the other person feels seen, heard, and valued. So important.

If you need more on this, you can dig back through some of the other episodes we’ve done. I did an entire episode on connection. So go have a listen to that to deepen your understanding, especially if you’re new here as to what I’m talking about there.

Okay number six. Number six of the 10 things I know for sure is, drumroll please. It is never, never, never, never, never, never too late to get on the path to peaceful parenting. Never. I don’t care how old your kids are. I don’t care how dysregulated your home’s been. I don’t care how dominantly you’ve parented.

It’s never too late to get on the path to peaceful parenting. I have worked with parents of all ages, including parents of adult children. It is never too late to get on the path to peaceful parenting. You’re doing it just by being here, just by showing up every week and listening to the podcast. So well done.

Please, I beg you. I beg you please. Please don’t ever think something like, “I’ve already screwed them up. Or it’s too late. Or there’s no turning back. Or this won’t work.” Please do not allow your brain to indulge in those thoughts. It is never too late to get on the path to peaceful parenting. Got it? Awesome.

All right number seven. Number seven is slip, stray, or screw up, just begin again. Just bring yourself back to center. Just start where you’re at. Take a deep breath. Regulate yourself. Forgive yourself and just begin again. I love that so much. Just begin again. Can you commit to that? It’s so helpful, especially this time of the year. Because times are stressful and intense and there’s going to be storming by your kids.

So if you accidentally slip or stray or join in the storming or you lose your shiz or you get dysregulated, just begin again. Take a pause. Gather yourself. Regulate. Take a timeout. Come back and begin again. You can start on the path again over and over and over again. That doesn’t make you a failure. That makes you someone committed to the practice of peaceful parenting. Let me say that again.

If you have to begin again because you’ve slipped, strayed, or screwed up over and over and over again, it doesn’t make you failure or not good at it or not capable of peaceful parenting. It just means you’re on the path and you’re working at the practice of being a peaceful parent. Just like you’d be working at the practice of yoga or walking or exercising or playing the guitar. You just begin again. Ah I love that so much. I remind myself of that on the regular. Lisa, just begin again.

All right number eight in the 10 things I know for sure. Number eight is definitely one of my favorites. It’s that mistakes are normal. Mistakes are about a process problem, not a character problem. I have a coach. A few years ago she taught me that mistakes in life can be boiled down to a process problem or a character problem. What I know for sure is that the mistakes your kids are making is just a process problem.

We’ve talked about this before. They’re not giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. They’re having trouble expressing their emotions. They’re having trouble processing their emotions. They’re not having trouble putting their shoes on because they’re of poor character or they’re trying to give you a hard time or they’re trying to disrespect you. Maybe they’re not good at putting their shoes on yet.

Maybe they’re not 10,000 hours in. Maybe there’s a process problem in the order that you’re getting ready in the morning. Maybe there’s a process problem for getting their needs met, and as a result there’s a lot of sibling fighting going on in your family. I encourage you. I really, really, really strongly encourage you to look at your kids, all of them, mistakes as a process problem, not a character problem. Why, you ask. Let me tell you.

When you think about something as a process problem, you just think about how am I going to solve this? What’s going on here? What’s wrong with the operation or the process that we have going on, right?

Maybe you’re having trouble getting dinner on the table at night, and you think to yourself, “Okay, what do I need to do here? Do I need to food shop once a week? Do I need to prep? Do I need to make a menu? What do I need to do to create a situation where dinner gets on the table with ease?” Right? That’s a process problem. There’s no moral or character problem there. I just need a system or a process that allows me to get dinner on the table at night with ease. Right?

Okay. Well, the mistakes, can you see that? Yes, I know you can. So the mistakes your kids are making are a process problem. When we think about it that way, we think about how do I solve this problem? What is really going on here? How do I scuba dive down to what’s really going on and solve the problem?

When you think about your kid’s mistakes as a character problem, you’re judging them. Oh he’s being so disrespectful. He’s giving me a hard time. He’s being difficult. When we start judging our kids, we’re going to get triggered. When we get triggered, we’re going to start storming alongside our kids. Then nothing gets solved. When there’s a storming parent and a storming child, there’s an explosion 100% of the time.

So I want to encourage you to not think about your kid’s mistakes as character problems. There’s not a character problem. There’s a process problem here. I can come at it from a curious not furious mindset. I can wonder what’s going on. I can wonder what problem needs to be solved and how do we set about to solve it? Completely different than judging and getting triggered and storming.

So one thing I know for sure is that it’s easier to stay calm and peaceful and regulated when you approach your kid’s mistakes as a process problem rather than a character problem. I use this mantra, “process problem not a character problem” in every aspect of my life.

I will share with you that since I incorporated this language in and started looking at challenges and problems and mistakes through that lens, I’ve had a complete transformation. It’s changed how I see everything, everything. It sets my brain up in a way that it just wants to solve the problems, not go down the black hole of judgement and trigger and storming.

So, again, my gift to you at the end of the year, my gift to you is to incorporate the mantra process problem, not character problem. Ah you’re so welcome. You’re so welcome.

All right the number nine thing I know for sure is that conflict is growth trying to happen. Whoo, I know. I know girl. Your socks just flew across the room. I know. Conflict is growth trying to happen. When someone shared this with me, I’ll never forget where I was, what I was wearing. Exactly what I was thinking when this person said, “You know Lisa, conflict is just growth trying to happen.” Total gamechanger. Rewired my entire brain. I kid you not.

So when you and your kids are having conflict, it’s growth trying to happen. It’s growth expanding. It’s like the egg is cracking open. That doesn’t mean we have to be excited or jump up and down or be thrilled that we’re having conflict in our personal relationships.

But when I do remind myself when my son is pushing back against something, when he’s pushing back against bedtime or curfew or trying to understand something, I remind myself that he is growing. His brain is expanding. Our relationship is growing. I’m learning. He’s learning. Conflict is growth trying to happen. It softens me just enough to be empathetic and understanding. To listen deeply. To wonder what’s really going on here. It sets me up to scuba dive down to the feelings and needs.

It’s such a beautiful way to think about conflict. That it’s growth trying to happen. I use this in all relationships in my life. All relationships. I try my best to remind myself that conflict is growth trying to happen. Oh, I love it.

The number 10 thing I know for sure is that underneath all of our kid’s big behavior is unmet feelings and needs. All humans at all times are just trying to get their needs met. Let me say that again. All humans at all times are just trying to get their needs met. When our needs are met, one set of feelings bubble up. When our needs go unmet, another set of feelings, usually negative, bubble up. The volcano starts to fill with lava. When the volcano fills up, what spews out the top is “bad behavior”.

If you can remember this and you can remember to scuba dive down to the feelings and needs, total gamechanger on your path to peaceful parenting. I promise you. When I work with parents to scuba dive down past the behavior to the feels and needs and solve for the feelings and needs, the behavior takes care of itself.

So as we begin to turn our attention to 2022, please join me in becoming a scuba diver. I want to encourage you to leave behind the habit of snorkeling at the top focusing on the “bad behavior”. Scuba dive down, become a scuba diver where you get curious not furious. You scuba dive down to the unmet feelings and needs.

Because what I know absolutely 100% with no doubt for sure is that if you scuba dive down and solve for the feelings and needs, the behavior will take care of itself. I promise you. So are you ready to join me in becoming a scuba diver? Because this is one of the most important things we’re going to work on next year is becoming a scuba diver who goes underneath the behavior down to the feelings and needs and works with their kids to solve the feelings and needs so that the behavior can fall away rather than focusing on the behavior. Yeah? Awesome.

So let me just recap here for you the 10 things that I know for sure. Number one, you’re not alone. I see you and I’m here for you. Number two, there is no perfect parent. No one. We all lose it once in a while. It’s what you make it mean for you and your kids that creates the set back or the step forward. Number three, progress not perfection is our mantra here at real world peaceful parenting. Our goal is to be a better parent today than yesterday.

Number four, your kids want to know you love them no matter what. Your kids want to know you love them the exact same when they show you their strengths as when they show you their weakness. Number five, connection is when the other person feels seen, heard, and valued. Number six, it is never ever, ever too late to get on the path to peaceful parenting.

Number seven, slip, stray, or screwup, just begin again. Bring yourself back to the practice of peaceful parenting and begin again. Number eight, mistakes are normal. We think about mistakes as process problems, not character problems. Number nine, conflict is growth trying to happen. Number ten, underneath all “bad behavior” is unmet feelings and needs. When we scuba dive down to the feelings and needs and take care of them, the behavior will take care of itself.

I love this list so much. I really hope you do too. We’ve made a downloadable worksheet of this available to you in the show notes. So if you want to print this out and share it with your coparent, you want to print it out and put it on the fridge. You want to print it out and talk to your kids about it. You want to print it out and put it on your bathroom mirror so you can look at it every morning while you’re getting ready? I encourage you to do that.

That is worthwhile to remember these, to review them on the regular. It will help set your intention for the day as you’re parenting your kids. I love it. I love you. I hope you have an amazing last couple of weeks of the year. Thank you for being here with me through 50 episodes. I promise you at least 50 more. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

Thank you so much for listening today. I want to personally invite you to head over to thepeacefulparent.com/welcome and sign up for my free peaceful parenting minicourse. You’ll find everything you need to get started on the path to peaceful parenting just waiting for you over there at www.thepeacefulparent.com/welcome. I can’t wait for you to get started.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.