Ep #61: Healing Your Childhood Wounds

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to today’s episode. I know I say it every week, but I am so excited to be with you’re here today. As you know, 2022 is the official year of becoming a better parent. I love that you’re joining me here on this journey throughout 2022. I want you to know that each week I’m committed to bringing you tools to bring you further down the path to peaceful parenting.

So today I want to broach the subject of healing our childhood wounds. One of the reasons I think parenting is so hard is that your child is often reflecting back to you what you haven’t healed within yourself. This is also known as our own childhood wounds. We all have them, all of us. No matter what kind of childhood you had, no matter what you went through, chances are there are childhood wounds waiting to be healed.

Now for some of us, the wounds are big and open. Think about big, gaping holes with pus coming out of the wounds that haven’t been tended to for a long time. I know, very graphic, but it gets the job done. Right? So some of us have these big open gaping wounds that haven’t been tended to for a long time, if ever. Some of us have wounds that might be smaller and a bit more healed. For some of us, the wounds might be sitting dormant way, way, way deep down inside of us, but they’re there. Unfortunately they show up a lot when we’re parenting our kids. Yeah?

Now what I do know is that many of us spend a lot of time and energy trying to give our kids what we didn’t have, what we didn’t get, what we needed and no one noticed. This is the genesis for many of us of our childhood wounds. We work really hard at this only to realize that we’re giving our kids what we need rather than what they need, and this can lead to disconnection and storming on our part.

So let me ask you what did you need growing up that you didn’t get? Take a moment and think about it. I know, it’s a vulnerable question that requires some honesty, but this is you to you admitting what did you need that you didn’t get?

Now let me be clear. This doesn’t mean that your parents didn’t do your best or that they didn’t love you. They did the best with what they could. They did the best with what they had. When you take the time and think about it, this also doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or being disrespectful to your parents when you take a minute to think about what did you need that you didn’t get? You’re just doing an honest assessment about any and all childhood wounds that you might have.

Did you need a mom or dad who was gentle? Who was wise, protective? Did you need someone that was fair or good character? Did you need a parent who would run to you when you fell down and cradle you in their arms and make you feel safe and loved and let you know everything was going to be okay instead of telling you quit your crying, get over it?

Did you need a parent that you could run to in the middle of a thunderstorm, and they would just hold you and talk you through it until your fear of the storm was gone? Did you need a parent who would fight and advocate for you? Defending you against evil and harm, standing by your side when you made big mistakes.

Did you need a parent who was a good listener? Who was open minded and willing to really hear you and maybe even learn something from you? Did you need a parent that took time to listen to your hopes and dreams and your fears and mistakes and make sure that you knew that they loved you the same regardless? Did you need a parent who would encourage you to do what you wanted and be there to pick up the pieces when you failed?

Did you need a parent who normalized you and assured you that your struggles, your dreams, your desires were normal and all would be well? I know I sure did. I also needed parents who didn’t show love and teasing me and poking at my weaknesses. I needed a parent who didn’t call me names and put me down when I was failing or messing up because I was already down on myself. I needed a parent that would work to reassure me that nothing I could do would take their love away, and that I was perfect just as I was.

Can you relate to that? Maybe you’re still wishing for it now. Maybe the wounds are still laying there, open and big and gashing or dormant and deep down.

When you had a child or your own kids, did you swear to yourself that you would be the parent that you always wish you had? I sure did. Did you swear you’d learn every wrong way to parent and then go out of your way not to parent your kid that way? Like maybe you swore you wouldn’t be a yeller.

Or you would address sibling fighting differently than your parent did because as the oldest you were always blamed and expected to be the bigger person or take the high road. Yeah?

No matter how determined you were to do it differently and no matter how hard you try now, do you find yourself slipping back into old patterns? I promise you, you’re not alone. If you answered yes to any of these questions then today’s podcast is for you, yes you, and for me to because I’ve been there myself.

I know this kind of longing to overcome childhood wounds. I know the frustration and guilt. I know how the childhood wounds can get in the way of showing up and being fully present in your current parenting, but I also know it’s never too late to heal, to learn, to grow, and to be the parent you’ve always wanted to be. I want that for you, right now, today.

In 2022 as we work on the year of being the better parent, this can often be one of the critical components to improving our parenting no matter how old your kids are. No matter the patterns that you’ve been repeating over and over again. Change is possible. I know because I’ve done a lot of personal work in this area over many years.

I mean honestly I could teach a whole week in person, conference, workshop, or seminar on this. But for right now today I want to just give you some tools that help you, that keep you tuning, keep you doing the work, and change the trajectory of your parenting in 2022, in the year of being a better parent.

So my goal today is to send you away with a couple tools that are going to get you started on the path to healing your childhood wounds. Sound good? All right, let’s dive in.

So the first tool that I want to share with you is an homage to Oprah, our wise sage. Oprah says, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope or desire that things would have been any different.” Let me say that again. Oprah defines forgiveness as giving up the hope or desire that things would have been any different.

Forgiveness is not about letting your parents off the hook for the pain they caused. It’s not about wishing the pain never happened. It happened. There’s nothing we can do about it. Maybe it still happens. What I know is that pain is woven into the human condition and there’s no avoiding it, but it doesn’t have to define who you are.

Forgiveness is not about giving your mom or dad anything that they need. That is not what I’m talking about here today. It’s all about giving you what you needed and didn’t get. Forgiveness removes the power the pain has over you, and it gives you the freedom to move forward in your own parenting, in your own life.

Forgiveness begins by acknowledging the pain is real, and it did have a cost. Think about it as a debt that’s owed to you by your parents. Maybe you could even write it down on a post-it notes, the IOU you wish your mom or dad or someone else had written for you. IOU a thousand hugs. IOU a thousand do overs on calling you names. IOU to take back teasing of you. IOU two hours of my undivided and uninterrupted attention to actively listen and hear everything you’ve always wanted to tell me but never could. IOU the same respect I always commanded from you. IOU an apology for all the ugly things I called you.

Whatever it is, whatever it is you most want from your mom or your dad to pay up on, write it down on a post-it note with IOU at the top. Keep it short and simple. Think of it like a promissory note, and try to write it without embellishment or emotion. Just what is owed to you. What do you wish you would have gotten? What did you need that you didn’t get?

Then I want you to close your eyes and picture your parent handing it to you. It could be with love, humility, sincerity in their eyes, or it could be with all the anger and brokenness they still cling to. It doesn’t really matter. Read the note to yourself. Take a moment, take a deep breath, look your parent in the eye, and then rip up the IOU.

Rip it up. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Just tear it into a few pieces of paper. Rip it all the way through. Then tell yourself that the debt has been paid in full by someone else. They no longer owe you anything, and you’re free to carry on with your life. Then you work to let it go.

Now I mentioned the debt has been paid in full by someone else. Well, who paid it? If my parents didn’t pay it Lisa, who paid it? You did. You did. You’re paying it forward to your children by making an effort to heal your childhood wounds. Your parent’s debt no longer has a grip on you. It’s no longer a triangle when you’re parenting your kids of you, your needs that didn’t get met, and your kid’s needs. The debt is paid, which allows us to show up and be fully present with our kids. Said another way, your childhood wounds are no longer running the show.

Try it. You’re going to find it so liberating and freeing, I promise you. I love it. How about you? Give it a shot. The IOU. If you need to write multiple IOUs, do it. You’re gonna find it so freeing.

The second tool is to recognize and love yourself, the little child in you along with loving your own children. I want you to hear this. You do not need to earn love from anybody. You’re already worthy of it, all of you. Even that little child within you who’s needs didn’t get met. You are worthy of love. I am worthy of love because I exist, and you are worthy of love because you exist. I can love myself, including the little child in me, along with loving my own children, flaws and all.

I can be the parent to my own inner child that I always needed. When my inner child hurts, I can comfort her. When my inner child fears, I can protect her. When my inner child is full of joy, I can be happy with her and for her. I am all grown up now, and I have a fully developed brain. I can choose how I want to use it. I choose to love the adult me, and I choose to love the inner child in me. The scared little boy or girl who didn’t get what they needed. I choose the parent in me just as much as I love my kids.

Healing your childhood wounds isn’t easy, but it’s work worth doing. When you heal your childhood wounds, you’re less triggered when you’re parenting your own kids. The saying goes we often find intolerable in our kids that which we cannot tolerate in ourselves. It’s also known as projecting. Projecting our disgust, our disappointment, our frustration, our wounds our feelings of inadequacy. We often times project those onto our kids.

When we work to heal our childhood wounds, we let go of the intolerables in ourselves. We work to heal our wounds, and it clears space for us. As a result, we’re much less likely to project our wounds onto our kids. When you heal your childhood wounds, you’re able to meet your kids where they’re at because you’re not clouded by your own wounds and intolerance. When we heal our childhood wounds, we’re able to see our kids more clearly for who they are and not an extension of our wounds.

When we heal our childhood wounds, we will get less triggered when our kids repeat our mistakes and show similar flaws. When we heal our childhood wounds, we’re less likely to go to fear and anger when parenting because events of our own childhood sometimes trigger us into parenting from a place of fear and anger. When we heal our childhood wounds, we’re able to let go of the parenting patterns and habits we were exposed to as kids and consciously decide how we want to parent our kids.

I like to say this is the part where we point our family in a new trajectory. I want to say this again because I think it’s so important. When we heal our childhood wounds, we let go of the parenting patterns and habits we were exposed to as kids. That frees us up to consciously decide how we want to parent our kids, which points our family for generations to come in a new trajectory. Ah I want that for every single one of you. You. I want it for you. I want it for your kids. I want it for your grandkids. Ah.

When we heal our childhood wounds, we’re more likely to stay calm and regulated when parenting and be fully present with our kids, which, as we know, leads to more connection and more cooperation, which feels amazing. Yeah? When we heal our childhood wounds, our kids will feel more seen, heard, and valued because our own childhood won’t be in the room taking up energy and space.

Finally when we heal our childhood wounds, we become more aware, more healthy, and more present. Our brain practices regulation and empathy, which increases our emotional intelligence and ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, we model all of that for our kids. More aware, more healthy, more present, more regulation, more empathy, which ultimately points our family in a new trajectory. I want that for you, don’t you?

It increases our emotional intelligence. Let me say that again. When you heal your childhood wounds, you increase your emotional intelligence and you model that for your children. It’s a beautiful gift we give our kids. Beautiful. So good, right? Ah.

So listen if this episode really spoke to you today and you want to dive deeper into this, you want to know more, you want to help heal your wounds so you can show up and be fully present then I want you to come check out the Hive. The Hive is a one of its kind community that serves parents who want ongoing support with parenting. It’s designed to help you take small steps in your peaceful parenting journey to bring you exponentially closer to the connection you’ve always wanted with your child. One of the ways we do that in The Hive is we heal our childhood wounds.

If that speaks to you and you’re interested, I want you to go check it out and get all the details at thehivecoaching.com. I want to close today by honoring you and the work you’re doing. Whether it’s figuring out how to stay regulated, getting comfortable being uncomfortable, or healing your childhood wounds, the work you’re doing makes a difference for you, for your kids, for your family.

The work you’re doing puts you on the path to peaceful parenting and creates connection between you and your kids. I am so proud of you for doing this work and truly honored to be your guide on this journey. I love it and I love you. Until we meet again, I’m wishing you peaceful parenting.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.