Ep #37: A Look at What’s Possible: Peaceful Parenting Success

Welcome to Real World Peaceful Parenting, a podcast for parents that are tired of yelling, threatening, and punishing their kids. Join mom and master certified parent coach Lisa Smith as she gives you actionable step-by-step strategies that’ll help you transform your household from chaos to cooperation. Let’s dive in.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to today’s episode. Today’s episode is really a look at what’s possible. I know I say this every week, but it’s so true. I love being here with you each week. I wanted to take a second as we dig in to just tell you that I’m so proud of you for investing this time in yourself, in your parenting, in your kids, and in your family. Well done, well done.

As I mentioned, today I really want to show you what’s possible by sharing with you some success stories of parents who just like you are on the path to peaceful parenting, and who have really embraced the mantra of progress over perfection. These are parents who, just like you, found me and have been working on connecting with their kids and increasing the cooperation in their families.

I thought what I would do today is share some stories, some success stories with you. As I share each story with you, I encourage you to listen to where each parent is using the different tools that we talked about here on the different episodes from week to week and where they’re putting the tools to use. Then what I want you to do is think about where you can apply these lessons and tools in your own parenting with your kids at any age, at any stage no matter how many kids you have. Sound good?

My real intention, I want to be completely transparent here. My real intention with today’s episode is to inspire you, to motivate you to keep going, and to show you what is possible for you, for your kids, for your family with your parenting. Yeah? All right. Let’s dig into story number one.

Story number one is Stephanie, who is a member of my membership community called The Hive. Stephanie has a four year old. She said, “Lisa, my four year old is having big feelings about going to school tomorrow. It’s his very first day of preschool. We’ve been doing a lot of listening while he tells us his worries. He asks a lot of questions, and we’ve been talking about what school will be like. He was worried that his daddy wouldn’t know where the school is because daddy had to work and didn’t make it to the open house with us. Or that he needed us, the teacher wouldn’t know how to get ahold of us.

“We talked about the papers that I filled out while he played at the open house. I told him that his teachers know daddy’s name and phone number. Also, his teacher has my number as well. We packed his fuzzy blanket and stuffed animal to go to school with him for rest time. So if he needs them, they’ll be right there. He seemed to have settled down and liked those answers. He got lots of hugs and snuggles at bedtime to help ease his anxiety about school the next day.”

Stephanie said, “Tomorrow after school Lisa, I plan to have a snack ready for him in the car to be chowed down along with water. I know he’s going to have a lot of needs after school. So I plan to come straight home and offer lots of snuggles while he decompresses. Maybe offer a nap once he’s gotten the snuggles in. Dinner will be in the crock pot so I can give him my full attention. Who knows what afterschool will look like, but we’ll weather it together as I scuba dive down to his feelings and needs.”

Right? So Stephanie sent that the day before school. Then the morning of school, I got this report. Stephanie said, “My four year old did beautifully at drop off this morning. He was nervous when he got up. Oh Lisa, he was nervous. I came up with the idea to write him a little note that I showed him what it said. It had my name and my phone number on it, and I tucked it in his pocket and told him if he needed me, he could always reach me by sharing the little note with his teacher.

“When we turned the corner to park at school, he got really excited. He unbuckled his seatbelt and grabbed his backpack. When we got to the door, he gave me a big hug and scuttled inside. Mission accomplished.” Right?

Stephanie’s doing a great job. She’s really paying attention to the feelings and needs, and really trying to make sure that she’s answering all of her son’s questions. She’s also getting uncomfortable with being uncomfortable. I’m sure she was equally as nervous, but she wasn’t uncomfortable with her son’s big emotions. He had a lot of questions, and he was nervous. It’s a big deal to be four years old and go to your first day of preschool, right? Do you remember it? Probably not. But it’s a big deal. She just really dug deep to be there for him and scuba dive down.

Okay. So then this was the next message I got. Stephanie said, “Lisa, we made it. We made it. My four year old was famished when he hit the car. He sucked down 20 ounces of water and ate his sandwich so fast I had to remind him to chew. We spent the afternoon cuddling, playing Legos, and watching Scooby Doo. I asked him what he liked about school today and let me tell you. He did not want to talk about it. Okay cool. I know he had a good day, and that was all he would share. I didn’t push him further.

“He went to bed an hour early and was totally wiped out. In his little four year old voice, he said, ‘Mama, can you lay down with me?’ I was exhausted and really didn’t want to, but I knew that’s what he needed at the moment. So I said, ‘You bet your cute boots I can.’ He was passed out hard within five minutes. He snuggled up to me so tight that I had to extract myself from the bed after he fell asleep.”

Okay then a couple days later, I got this message from Stephanie. She said, “Thank you so much Lisa for the Whaaatteeeverrrrrr! podcast. I listened to it this morning while Mr. Four was still in bed. We’re on week two of school, and it’s going fairly well. Although we had a quiet evening last night, and I could feel a storm trying to roll in.

“As Mr. Four was being a bit grumpy this morning, I kept making sure to regulate and harness my thoughts. He would snap at me, and I would reword it in my mind making it mean, ‘Mama, this is really hard. Thank you for loving me through it.’ He currently is behind the couch hanging out. Earlier I asked him a question, and he snapped at me again. ‘I’m not answering you. I’m ignoring you today.’” Stephanie thought okay cool. So then she asked Mr. Four are you hungry, and he snapped no. So she went and made him lunch and got him a bottle of water. She wrote she set it where he could see it and just walked away.

Then she reported, “Pretty soon there was an empty plate in my view. Every now and then I go back into his room and snuggle with him then leave him be. It’s a very interesting dance happening here at our house today. I have no idea how long he will be behind the couch, but I am totally fine with it as he’s getting his needs met. I’m remembering what he really means is, ‘Mama this is really hard. Thank you for loving me through it.’”

Awesome job Stephanie, right. Well done. Let’s give Stephanie a round of applause. She did a really great job here. What did you notice? So let me ask you. What did you notice? I certainly noticed that she’s aware that his behavior comes from unmet feelings and needs, and that he probably has a ton of anxiety or nervousness or uncertainty around starting school. He needed a lot of empathy and understanding and attention and appreciation and acceptance, right? She did such a great job. It didn’t go perfect. He had some snarkiness. He had a meltdown. She stayed regulated while he was speaking the language of help. Oh I love it so much I can’t stand it.

Okay here’s another story. Another success story I want to share with you. Now remember, we’re looking for where the parents are using the tools that we’ve talked about in previous episodes, right. Think of these as like case studies where we get to peer in and look at what and how parents are putting the tools to use. All right. This one is from Susan.

Susan said, “Lisa, I had a win last night. Last week I got coaching about my daughter hitting me and her brother.” As you can tell, Susan is in my membership community called The Hive. So she reported, “I’ve been working with my daughter on the hitting, and showed her that if she’s mad, she can hit her bed or stuffed animal instead of hitting me or her brother.

“Last night she was mad and had her arms up and fists balled like she was going to hit me. I said to her, ‘It looks like you’re mad and want to hit something. What could you hit instead of me?’ She ran out of the room and came back with a stuffed animal that she threw on the floor and started hitting. Oh my gosh Lisa. What a victory for all of us. I was so happy. We are slowly going down the right path of helping her redirect her dysregulation to something safe and acceptable.”

Good job Susan. Good job. Well done. Well done. Okay, our third success story is with Debra. Debra is a recently divorced parent. Debra is moving into a new house with her two boys, Cole and Josh, who are 12 and 11. She is currently living in her original home with her home on the market and trying to move into a new place while going through a divorce. So Debra’s got a lot on her plate. She joined The Hive a few months ago. After working much like you all are doing on progress not perfection, she shared this success story with me.

She said, “Lisa, I’m so thankful and full of hope today. I’ve had a wonderful last couple of days with my boys Cole, who is 12, and Josh, who’s 11. I had scheduled a surprise stay at a local hotel for the boys this past Friday night. Then I planned for friends to join us for a relaxing day at the pool on Saturday. I picked the boys up from baseball practice on Friday night. Once they were in the car and we started leaving the parking lot, I happily and excitedly announced the plan to them of going to this hotel. I was so pleased with myself and so excited to bring them this surprise.

“After announcing it to them, they both immediately freaked out and not in a good way. Both of them complained and started storming right there in the car. Oh my goodness Lisa. I was completely caught off guard. This is not what I was expecting. The old me would have yelled back at them at how ungrateful they were, and how they never appreciate anything I try to do for them. After working with you, I took a deep breath and I remembered not to take their behavior personally.

“So I worked to regulate myself. I waited until they both stopped yelling. Then I calmly said, ‘Boys, mom wants to spend the night with you before you go back to school. The house is being shown tonight, and tomorrow is an open house. So we can’t be in our house tonight, and we can’t be there tomorrow. So I thought you would enjoy a fun night roasting marshmallows on the beach and then a day playing in the pool. I know this is difficult for the two of you, but what part of the next 24 hours is something you don’t like?’

“Then I paused, and I made myself be quiet and listen. They both immediately stopped and said, ‘No mom. We like that. We want to spend time with you, and we’re excited to go to the hotel. But we told our friends we were going to play online tonight when we got home.’ Then Cole said, ‘And I don’t have any of my stuff.’

“So I calmly, because I was regulated, was able to say to him, ‘Well, what would you want to bring?’ He listed off a bunch of things, and I told him that I had packed every one of them that was on his list. He immediately got excited and said, ‘Sorry mom. Thanks for thinking of all of that.’ Then Josh said, ‘Mom, do you have all of my stuff too?’ I asked, ‘Okay Josh. Give me the list. What items do you want?’ He listed off a few, and fortunately I was able to say, ‘Yep, I have them all.’ He said, ‘Okay mom. I’m good to go. Let’s get to the hotel.’

“Lisa, the next 24 hours were amazing. We enjoyed a wonderful dinner. We walked on the beach. We had fun by the pool and some great quality time. It was the best 24 hours of the last six months. As I reflect back, it could have gone so differently. I could have yelled at them about being disrespectful and unappreciative, and then we would have all been storming and crying and yelling the whole night. Potentially the whole weekend would have been ruined as this has been our pattern in the past. Not this time because I didn’t take it personally. I gave them space to storm and express their feelings, and we got through it. Thank you, Lisa. Thank you.”

Cool huh? So excited for Debra. She’s had such an amazing transformation with just applying the tools and just working at things like not taking it personally and staying regulated and making sure her kids feel seen, heard, and valued. Oh so good. So, so, so good. Okay. Our next success story is from Beth.

Beth wrote, “I just want to say thank you Lisa. I’ve implemented a couple of the things that you’ve taught me, and I’m seeing changes in my toddler already. First, I’m working on not storming with him. We started a word this morning, and we practiced it when we’re both calm. He loves it. When we say fire pickle, he stops and takes a deep breath. He picked the word, and he really likes the word fire pickle.

“He’s had a lot of changes the last couple of months. Recently we got a new puppy. Then a month later his baby brother arrived. He’s been storming a ton, and I can see now it’s because he’s feeling like he needs some extra attention. Fire pickle seems to be working so well for us, and I’m excited to keep working with him and work through the cycle of yelling and storming.” Well done, Beth. Well done. Well done.

Okay. Lastly, I want to share one more story with you from Mary. Mary wrote, “Lisa in just a few short days, I already see the difference in my boys. I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but for the first time I have hope that things will get easier instead of harder. I’ve honestly seen the look of surprise on my youngest son’s face when he yells no at me. Instead of yelling back like I used to, I say tell me more. The love I see radiating out of his eyes is truly amazing. The calmness I feel when I say tell me more, I feel like a completely different parent, and it inspires me to keep going.” Well done, Mary. Well done.

These are amazing stories, right? I share them with you today because I want you, yes you, you to know what’s possible. This is all possible for you and your kids and your family. I don’t care where you’re starting. I don’t care what you’ve done up until now. You can get on the path to peaceful parenting just like Mary, just like Beth, just like Debra, just like Susan. You can get on the path to peaceful parenting.

I work with parents just like you to sift through their emotions, their parenting, and their stories. I guide you through the process of healing so you can show up and be fully present as parents. I teach you the tools that puts you in connection with your kids and on the path to peaceful parenting. What I know for sure is that when we invest in ourselves and our families in this way, magic happens. Magic, I tell you.

Thank you so much for listening today. I want to personally invite you to head over to thepeacefulparent.com/welcome and sign up for my free peaceful parenting minicourse. You’ll find everything you need to get started on the path to peaceful parenting just waiting for you over there at www.thepeacefulparent.com/welcome. I can’t wait for you to get started.

Thanks for listening to Real World Peaceful Parenting. If you want more info on how you can transform your parenting, visit thepeacefulparent.com. See you soon.